Message to Enablers-with love
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 1
Message to Enablers-with love
Its wild how I can always find a way to find an excuse for the addict im an addict for in all direct hard truth with the intend to love. I know this is true to the core, overall, the focus, a very significant reason to not enable, to pay attention to your own well being and role you play in addiction. I am filled with so much knowledge, do's and dont's, real-life experiences, strong in recovery, yet still find myself lost with this in some way. This is only the breakdown from my personal experience, please understand I would never, EVER, have been able to express this while using & I never would have realized the importance of defining enabling til I loved an addict myself.
Yes, I lied, manipulateed schemes, had the best negotiations, stole from anybody, everybody, everychance, spoke w a confidence & constant smile when high that I never thought I could (Recovery & determination deemed that extremely wrong; there is hope!), lost moral I never thought I would compromise, broke hearts not because I didnt love the person but because I incapable of expressing it, it was not a priority.
Because...
1. The individual would never have my attention over my drug, if I am withdrawaling you are non-exsistant, arguing with me, talking to me, getting through to me, was never, ever going to work, when the person would cry its not that I don't care, when the individual brokedown and reminded me of the damaged hearts, the tremendous hurt I am putting on my child, sometimes even trapping me in a corner demanding a response, a answer, my brain would be so scattered, all I would be thinking is digging deeper and deeper in my drug, shooting up so everything would shut up, when I would say to them "let me figure this out, leave me alone, then I will talk" I meant it, I had absolutely no idea how to cope, there were times I would just explode in angry, the only true emotion I knew, times that desperately at that very moment wanted my dealer to magically appear and inject me til I pass out, and pls don't DARE take that to heart and give me money to use then "talk", when I was high, I was focused on my high, If I loved the person I believed in the false fantasy of "this is love, we are in this together, I am nothing w out you" we ate it all up together, then my high started to go down, I realized I had no money, started to think about withdrawal, my next high, the cycle continued, the person again became non-existant
2. The biggest error was the person held on to my potential like reality when I was high, set expectations off that, and made excuses for my behavior, as if somehow I was magically going to get better, NOTHING ever was going to change, NOTHING but my own driven efforts in recovery would, and that was NEVER going to be a task I followed through on no matter how tired I was of it at any given moment
Most significant advice I wish my loved ones, my enabler's knew, that you need to know as a loved one dealing with an addict:
Recognize you need help for yourself now & stop enabling in every way, NOW, rather than later. YOU WILL not change the addict, they WILL break you, there is NOT ONE H addict unique in this world that will recover and love you back if these cycles continue. The more loved ones who understand this the more souls have a chance. Specifically I know for H addicts we would be NOTHING without you enabling us, not just money, everything; attention, resources to be better us as addicts, postive reinforcement as if we can manage living a happy life as an addict or as a family, place to live and destroy, clothes, way to work, little jobs to make money here and there, even doing all this negotiating ways I can get help, detox, rehab, therapy, ect ect, I won't, I will lie, try and find a scheme to get out of it, pretend I am there when I am not, I am too comfortable.....Write me a letter I may or may not care about, read it to me, email it to me, let me know my options to get clean, but let me go, without outrage of hate and constant messages reminding me of that hate, use support groups such as this but what ever yu do don't pick me back up, find healing for yourself....This is the one true and sure way to help our loved one's who are addicts.
Yes, I lied, manipulateed schemes, had the best negotiations, stole from anybody, everybody, everychance, spoke w a confidence & constant smile when high that I never thought I could (Recovery & determination deemed that extremely wrong; there is hope!), lost moral I never thought I would compromise, broke hearts not because I didnt love the person but because I incapable of expressing it, it was not a priority.
Because...
1. The individual would never have my attention over my drug, if I am withdrawaling you are non-exsistant, arguing with me, talking to me, getting through to me, was never, ever going to work, when the person would cry its not that I don't care, when the individual brokedown and reminded me of the damaged hearts, the tremendous hurt I am putting on my child, sometimes even trapping me in a corner demanding a response, a answer, my brain would be so scattered, all I would be thinking is digging deeper and deeper in my drug, shooting up so everything would shut up, when I would say to them "let me figure this out, leave me alone, then I will talk" I meant it, I had absolutely no idea how to cope, there were times I would just explode in angry, the only true emotion I knew, times that desperately at that very moment wanted my dealer to magically appear and inject me til I pass out, and pls don't DARE take that to heart and give me money to use then "talk", when I was high, I was focused on my high, If I loved the person I believed in the false fantasy of "this is love, we are in this together, I am nothing w out you" we ate it all up together, then my high started to go down, I realized I had no money, started to think about withdrawal, my next high, the cycle continued, the person again became non-existant
2. The biggest error was the person held on to my potential like reality when I was high, set expectations off that, and made excuses for my behavior, as if somehow I was magically going to get better, NOTHING ever was going to change, NOTHING but my own driven efforts in recovery would, and that was NEVER going to be a task I followed through on no matter how tired I was of it at any given moment
Most significant advice I wish my loved ones, my enabler's knew, that you need to know as a loved one dealing with an addict:
Recognize you need help for yourself now & stop enabling in every way, NOW, rather than later. YOU WILL not change the addict, they WILL break you, there is NOT ONE H addict unique in this world that will recover and love you back if these cycles continue. The more loved ones who understand this the more souls have a chance. Specifically I know for H addicts we would be NOTHING without you enabling us, not just money, everything; attention, resources to be better us as addicts, postive reinforcement as if we can manage living a happy life as an addict or as a family, place to live and destroy, clothes, way to work, little jobs to make money here and there, even doing all this negotiating ways I can get help, detox, rehab, therapy, ect ect, I won't, I will lie, try and find a scheme to get out of it, pretend I am there when I am not, I am too comfortable.....Write me a letter I may or may not care about, read it to me, email it to me, let me know my options to get clean, but let me go, without outrage of hate and constant messages reminding me of that hate, use support groups such as this but what ever yu do don't pick me back up, find healing for yourself....This is the one true and sure way to help our loved one's who are addicts.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Recognize you need help for yourself now & stop enabling in every way, NOW, rather than later. YOU WILL not change the addict, they WILL break you, there is NOT ONE H addict unique in this world that will recover and love you back if these cycles continue. The more loved ones who understand this the more souls have a chance.
In my early codependency recovery people told me this, I believed it was probably true but as I was addicted to saving my son from his addiction as he was to his drug. In a way it was like him understanding the harm that doing drugs does, and knowing his future was jails, institutions or death, unless a better that was taken...and yet he continued to use.
Our mental and emotional condition may prevent us from accepting and acting on the "truth", but sooner or later most of us, like me, are just too exhausted to keep going and that's when we surrender to finding our own recovery. We reach our "enough" moment, and our lives take a turn to a better path.
Thank you for posting this, and for sharing yourself here.
Hugs
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