Another weekend ended poorly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 66
Another weekend ended poorly
I was doing pretty well last week. I felt positive. Then, I didn't really move on the steps I should have taken - as in going to a meeting, getting rid of all alcohol in the house, journaling, meditating, etc. I basically got cocky and gave in.
My Easter daytime was wonderful, but after having wine with dinner, I had alone time and basically ended up drunk. Hubby was pissed, and I don't blame him. He was the only one to witness it, once again...
I broke down. Told him just how depressed I've been lately, and how I know I have been using alcohol to self-medicate. And that I have been looking into officially quitting. Even after everything, he still doesn't think I need to officially say I'm an alcoholic and go to meetings. I think it's because it will change our dynamic - we used to go out and hang at bars almost every weekend. It's much less often in recent years, but it will be a change, and just like I am scared, so is he. But, he is really worried about my mental health. Depression and anxiety attacks have become more frequent and i'm not hiding it as well as I used to.
I know the trick is to not hide, and to reach out for help. Just venting, saying hi, letting you guys know I'm back.
Why, oh why is this addiction SO damn difficult to kick? It is frustrating me and I just can't wait to get to a point where my mind is free again.
Thanks for listening.
My Easter daytime was wonderful, but after having wine with dinner, I had alone time and basically ended up drunk. Hubby was pissed, and I don't blame him. He was the only one to witness it, once again...
I broke down. Told him just how depressed I've been lately, and how I know I have been using alcohol to self-medicate. And that I have been looking into officially quitting. Even after everything, he still doesn't think I need to officially say I'm an alcoholic and go to meetings. I think it's because it will change our dynamic - we used to go out and hang at bars almost every weekend. It's much less often in recent years, but it will be a change, and just like I am scared, so is he. But, he is really worried about my mental health. Depression and anxiety attacks have become more frequent and i'm not hiding it as well as I used to.
I know the trick is to not hide, and to reach out for help. Just venting, saying hi, letting you guys know I'm back.
Why, oh why is this addiction SO damn difficult to kick? It is frustrating me and I just can't wait to get to a point where my mind is free again.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Hi, KM. Glad you are back. You can do this, but it will be a battle every single day. Some days will be easier than others and that's OK. That's what we all call "life." Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Have you spoken to your doctor about your depression, KM?
As badger mentioned, alcohol is a depressant and could fuel and contribute to your depression.
As badger suggested, abstaining from alcohol is likely a very good start.
Speaking to your doctor about both issues may be a very good thing.
Stay close; we are here for you.
As badger mentioned, alcohol is a depressant and could fuel and contribute to your depression.
As badger suggested, abstaining from alcohol is likely a very good start.
Speaking to your doctor about both issues may be a very good thing.
Stay close; we are here for you.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
For years I wanted it both ways - to drink, soberly. For alcoholics this is the big lie.
The book of Alcoholics Anonymous says it this way;
No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Earth people don't understand why we can't simply not drink as much. The thought their drinking pal - spouse, brother, friend etc.......may completely stop drinking scares them.
Alcoholism is impossible to kick if we drink. Reaching out is indeed important. Good job
The book of Alcoholics Anonymous says it this way;
No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Earth people don't understand why we can't simply not drink as much. The thought their drinking pal - spouse, brother, friend etc.......may completely stop drinking scares them.
Alcoholism is impossible to kick if we drink. Reaching out is indeed important. Good job
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 66
Thank you all. There is so much shame attached to this illness. Every time I mess up I feel like a failure and more depressed than before. I look in the mirror and can't recognize the person in it anymore. I don't like myself. If I don't like myself how can I expect others to like me? I know that I am sooo much better than what I have let myself become. I know that I have to get really serious now about a better life, or I will ruin all the great things going now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by KM0816 
Thank you all. There is so much shame attached to this illness. Every time I mess up I feel like a failure and more depressed than before. I look in the mirror and can't recognize the person in it anymore. I don't like myself. If I don't like myself how can I expect others to like me? I know that I am sooo much better than what I have let myself become. I know that I have to get really serious now about a better life, or I will ruin all the great things going now.
In any event, getting a handle on the anxiety is key. Get treatment. I am.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Originally Posted by KM0816
I just can't wait to get to a point where my mind is free again.
I wouldn't worry too much about what your husband thinks about your drinking. Others don't understand alcoholism and how it consumes and destroys us. You know what you need to do and that's the important thing. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Two observations:
a) Your husband needs to be consistent in his motivation. He cannot want to hang on to his 'good time girl' when it suits him and get annoyed when you drink and it doesn't. You're not a machine that can be switched off and on like that.
b) Don't be ashamed. As every day goes by I feel less ashamed. I told someone important at work last week in order to explain why I couldn;t attend a social event. To be honest he didn't bat an eyelid. There are so many people with drink problems in the UK that it is almost commonplace.
Tony
a) Your husband needs to be consistent in his motivation. He cannot want to hang on to his 'good time girl' when it suits him and get annoyed when you drink and it doesn't. You're not a machine that can be switched off and on like that.
b) Don't be ashamed. As every day goes by I feel less ashamed. I told someone important at work last week in order to explain why I couldn;t attend a social event. To be honest he didn't bat an eyelid. There are so many people with drink problems in the UK that it is almost commonplace.
Tony
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by KM0816
Thank you all. There is so much shame attached to this illness. Every time I mess up I feel like a failure and more depressed than before. I look in the mirror and can't recognize the person in it anymore. I don't like myself. If I don't like myself how can I expect others to like me? I know that I am sooo much better than what I have let myself become. I know that I have to get really serious now about a better life, or I will ruin all the great things going now.
The beauty of putting down the alcohol. Much support to you.
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