VIRGINIAUSA

It’s taken me a while to put my feelings in type. I don’t know if I am looking for guidance, support, validation or all three. The following story might take a while but then again I could write a book about all the CRAP I have had to put up with during the past 16 years.

I met my boyfriend when I was just 14yrs, he was 15. After years (10) of living with his family, we bought our own home (6 years ago). His parents have helped to support us and even bought us a “Family Vehicle” (it’s in both our names). Never married but always together, along with his addictive personality. If it wasn’t pot, it was meth, or alcohol, or pills, you name it he had it.

After his surgery a year ago to fix a foot problem the pill taking got worse – Vicodin up to 40 pills a day!! Not to mention the baggie I found in his wallet. His parents have made up their minds that “It was just salt”, yeah right that’s why he had to come over and borrow $40.00, for salt – talk about inflation!! My breaking point was his phone call to me a work demanding pills that I didn’t have. I put my foot down, STOP or move out!! I thought at this point I had his parents support – he needs help. Back to his parent’s house he goes. His parents are the type of people you never want to meet. Nice to you to your face and then stabbing you in the back the second you turn away (my therapist says that they are CRAZY – a medical term I’m sure). It didn’t take long for them (his parents) to turn on me – after all – I MADE them have to deal with his problem by sending him out on his ASS. It’s as if all these years they have been paying me to care for him and his problems. I thought they were just being nice by asking if we needed money for food/gas/bills. Nope. All his life his parents have had to do everything for him from make his doctors appointments, to going out and getting him dinner every night. He won't/can't do anything for himself. As soon as I came along they saw their OUT. Pawn him off onto her!! He is a big boy and has always pushed his way around – that is if he didn’t get everything his way. He did it with his parents and now he does it to me as well. We got into an argument on Sunday, I told him that I missed him but not enough to have him back – this sent him over the edge and he had his father drop him off and he took our truck leaving me with no form of transportation. I had to promise to take him back and give his parents the pink slip just to be able to get to work on Monday. They (him along with his parents) have threatened to sell the house and that would make me have to live in an apartment, then they would file for custody and because they live in a better place they would get custody of our daughter. I know this is not true – I won’t tell them that – let them believe that they have the upper hand. I don’t have a problem with drugs/ drinking. His is on several medications right now for being Bi-Polar and Schoprenic (sorry can’t spell it). His mother is on several medications for being depressed and Bi-Polar, and his father is an alcoholic. Not that I would ever stop him from seeing our daughter, I just have a more stable environment for her. RIGHT?

I might be rambling but I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head all at the same time. He promises never to use again, but this is a trust that has been broken before. I feel sorry for him, don’t know why. It’s his problem and I feel that if I distance myself and our 3yr old daughter it is better than having him in the house. Of course he is back in the house now – how long it will last – I don’t know.

My therapist says that being apart is the best thing. I don’t have a problem with it – In fact I enjoyed the peace and quiet very much. But I had to pick up our daughter every day from his parent house, and then he starts crying and wants to come home. He was gone for two weeks, that it!

We have an appointment with a couple’s counselor on Monday. No holds barred. I will no longer lie to anyone about his problems – no matter how mad he gets at me. Just so that I was prepared for the meeting, I wrote down a few things that were bothering me – 4 PAGES LONG!!!!!

Sometimes I just want it to all go away – make everyone happy. After all that is my personality. I think that was the reason for letting him back in the house – to make him happy, not me, to stop him from calling and coming into the house when I was not there. The drugs make him paranoid and he thinks that I am cheating on him – his dad says the same thing that I am cheating on him. They even took all the old phone bills and have called everyone listed (most of them ended up being his dealers. His mother says he doesn’t have a drug problem and he just takes pain pills – like they are not drugs. – don’t forget about the baggie mentioned earlier. Give me a break. Am I the only sane person left or are they slowly trying to manipulate me and brainwash me to thinking their way?

Prayers advise and anything else you can think of is needed and well appreciated. I was told to get the book called “Co-Dependant No More”. I think I will do that this afternoon. This is my first time to the site and I can’t believe I have found people who will understand – at least I hope so.

Peaches04

Hi Virginia!! Welcome to SR - you will LOVE it here - we can all relate to your pain and frustration. You sound like you have a really good grasp on things, and are not one to be easily intimidated or manipulated - in that alone, you are way ahead of the game, so to speak. Definately read "Codependent NO More"...if nothing else, it will confirm alot of what you seem to already know and maybe help you with other things.
I think it's GREAT that you are not letting his parents intimidate you with threats. They sound like they are as sick, as him - and very well could be, after living with this for a long time. I hate to hear they are threatening the welfare of you and your daughter because they are unable to face reality - but, we are smart enough to face reality and do what's best for US. Just in reading your post, I can sense determination and strength and I am so glad for your daughter that she has someone like you, who is prepared to do the best thing. You hang in there honey.... lots of people with better advise than me will come along!

WHYOWHY

Welcome & WOW...you have alot on your plate..

Here is my advice ...take what you want & leave the rest.....

First....one word comes to mind after reading your story...... "LAWYER"
With all the folks on his side...threatening & accusing & in TOTAL denial , If I were you......I'd find out about the "Common Law" marriage laws in your state.

You may be entitled 'legally' to the same things a wife would be.......1/2 the house ....at the very least.

You need to protect yourself & at least find out what "belongs" to you.

Once youv'e established what is what....you can start dealing with all the other problems that come with loving an addict/alcoholic/ salt-aholic(smile)

Keep posting & considering what advice others here have to offer.
You know what is best for you & your situation...be it Legal action , emotional support ...or just venting.
I wish you all that I wish for myself.........peace & happiness

Dust Bunny

"It’s as if all these years they have been paying me to care for him and his problems. I thought they were just being nice by asking if we needed money for food/gas/bills. Nope."

That's exactly what has been going on. I agree with Why ... before you do ANYTHING, see a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and what you may be entitled to. Don't move until you are served with an eviction notice. Even then you may be able to fight it as long as you are paying the bills. One more thing ... try to find some way to detatch from all this.

You are stronger than even you realize. I know this is rough! Take care of YOU.

StandingStrong

I remember when people would tell me to get a lawyer, it seemed like the most impossible thing to do. For one, I did not have the money to do so!!! And for another, that just seemed like such a huge step to take. I couldn't do that!!!!!!!
But you know what....I've came a long long way since then and I have to say that I agree you need a lawyer. Some offer a free first consultation and there is absolutely no obligation for anything if you go just to find out your options.
I took my AH back many times when I don't think I should have. I was not ready, he was not ready, etc. And it always led to the same old thing. AH's parents have turned on me recently (after 16 years of marriage) so I understand how you feel.
Please do what you have to do to protect yourself and your child. Lawyer, financially, etc. It's really important to be prepared with a plan.
Good luck to you!