incomprehesible

Hello everyone

I continue to find reading posts on this forum so incredibly helpful and it's been a great relief to be able to share my story.

I posted a couple of weeks ago after I left my boyfriend who I strongly suspect is addicted to cocaine and other substances. This has never actually been confirmed, but all the evidence I discovered is confirmation enough.

I am well and am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, but there is something that I continue to find puzzling and, well, incomprehensible.

My ex boyfriend's behaviour was such that he gave me no other option than to end the relationship. Whilst it was me who did the breaking up and the walking away, this was really triggered by his ignorant, neglecting, hurtful and emotionally abusive behaviour, so essentially it was him who truly ended it, not me. I just saw the signs and took the action that I felt was right for both him and me.

After I have now really been gone for about 3 weeks, he is beginning to contact me again, with messages and emails that sound somewhat remorseful. I say somewhat because, whilst he declares regret, wanting to go back to the start, wanting to meet up with me to apologise and hoping to be able to salvage some kind of friendship, I can't help but see nothing but denial in them, as he's not directly addressing any of what really happened (he only alludes to it) or directly apologising. Either he doesn't remember, doesn't care, or is so much in denial he just doesn't see the full truth.

Whilst of course I haven't stopped loving him in the space of 3 weeks and I am incredibly concerned about him, I also know I unfortunately can't help him, so I continue to not respond.

However, I do wonder why, after everything that's happened, the fact that he pushed me away and clearly wanted me to leave, he's now trying to keep me in his life. This seems to be a bit of a pattern as far as I can see on this forum and I can't really make any sense of it at all, especially as we are completely independent of each other - he doesn't need my money, we have no children, he has a good job and a place to live, etc.

I am finding this all terribly confusing...

PhoenixJ

Inc- addiction is a jealous bugger. It takes no prisoners. So if what you say id true about him (and I do not doubt you) then manipulation, assurance of being in control, seeking an emotional crutch- through playing with your feelings is certainly on the cards. I destroyed my family by my drinking, leave them ber now and focus on my sobriety. Point being that when I was drinking my behaviour reflected my absurd thinking. The biggest lie could be justified as triuth- 'yes but', 'it is different this time' or the classic' I have made some phonecalls and I will go to a meeting/see a counsellor'. Keeping all the options open, just in case- that wasw me. You are doing well to keep your boundaries. There is little point in trying to understand addictive behaviour or thinking- because anything and everything comes second to that addiction, that instant reward. Empathy and support to you. I think you are strong and courageous.
and THANKS, EVERY TIME I READ STUFF LIKE YOURS, I learn and grow, just a little bit. Stay safe.

Maudcat

Hi, incomprehensible. Glad you found us, and glad you walked away from a bad situation. Good for you.
I believe that addicts like to keep loved ones and former loved ones in their orbits.
While they are not willng to do the one thing that might make a difference: stop drinking or drugging, they will do almost anything else to reel us back in.
I don't really know why this is so. They need a human crutch? It's hard wired into the addictive personality?
Dunno.
Stay strong. Block his calls/texts if you want to.
He owes you nothing.

dandylion

Incomprehensible......I think that most of us are caring, generous, compassionate and nurturing people....and we shower it on our loved ones/partners....
We make a nice place to fall....and, I think they really miss that "good stuff" about us.....
Alcoholics, who live in their own distorted world of denial and selfish behaviors aren't able/willing to live up to the mature responsibilities that a relationship requires.....the addiction distorts everything...

They want us back because we "feel good" to them....we make them more comfortable (we enable)......they count o our good natures, our"guilt", and our love for them to let them back in the door...even if they have been really, really bad to us.....

KES06

So sorry you are going through this.
I'd be very careful reaching back out to him, even tentatively. I mean, what would you really get out of a "friendship" with him? I keep picturing you taking his hand and him pulling you under water. You got out of the relationship for a reason; because it was toxic. No reason to even be friends with a toxic person, IMO. You can't fly if somebody wants to take you too close to the sun.
Good luck and stay strong. And try not to try and figure out other people's motives. That will drive you insane. Work on YOU.

dandylion

KESO6....LOL....true words--trying to figure out other people's motives....that can drive you absolutely bonkers!

incomprehesible

Thank you all for your supportive and helpful responses, everything you're all saying of course makes perfect sense.

I have just looked at all your profiles and your stories, you are all truly inspiring! I never thought that my experiences would lead me to communicating and sharing with people as inspiring and supportive as all of you, it's opened up a whole new perspective for me.

@KES06, I was very clear with him at the breakup that a "friendship" wasn't on the cards. I am lucky in that I have a fantastic network of friends and a supportive family, none of whom lie to me, overstep my boundaries or emotionally abuse me. We all make mistakes and I am a forgiving and supportive person, but my time is too precious for me to spend it on someone who isn't willing to accept that they need to make significant changes for themselves and doesn't see that their behaviour towards me (and very likely others) is not acceptable and is not a basis for any kind of relationship at this point. Thank you for the mental image of being pulled under water, it's a very powerful one!

@dandylion I am proud to be a loving, caring and nurturing person and I will continue to be one - but it's pointless to share these qualities with someone who simply doesn't appreciate and value them, thank you for reconfirming that for me.

@maudcat I love your deadpan "dunno" . You're so right, it's completely out of my control, so I might as well do and think about something I can control, such as what I can do with the rest of my Easter Monday!

@PhoenixJ - Thank you for taking the time to provide your insight and for helping me take yet another step into an even better future. I am happy you have been able to take some learning from my post, I have learnt a lot from your posts too, you truly rock!!!

I have decided that this afternoon I will be going to the gym and will mentally be sending all of you all the positive energy generated by the workout!

Lots of love and hugs to you all

PhoenixJ

INC- awesomeness on moving on. About the +ve energy, if it is with gym work- can you put in 23,495 hours a week?
Keep sharing and posting. Thanks.

incomprehesible

Ha @PhoenixJ - if you can find a way to add 23,327 hours to the week (I hope my maths is correct there!), then I can most certainly muster up the motivation to generate more gym related energy

hopeful4

He is doing this b/c addicts in the throes of their addiction use other people. That is what they do. I am sorry.

Keep moving forward.

Ariesagain

Well, there's always the chance that...

1) You'd have sex with him.

2) You'd give him money.

3) You'd let him live there for a while.

4) See number one.

In many ways, addiction removes all the layers of learned behaviors and civilities and what's left is pure id...survival and basic needs. Looking for higher-level reasons and logic is a waste of our brain cells.

Sending you a hug.

incomprehesible

Thank you Hopeful4 and Ariesagain for your blunt and insightful replies (an approach that works well with me )

On the basis of exclusion - he doesn't need 2 and 3, so that leaves 1 and 4, which makes perfect sense. All was good whilst we lived apart; it was from the point of moving in together that things between us started to deteriorate. Now we no longer live together, the words "have my cake and eat it" come to mind! I suppose living with me created an obstacle which has been removed with my departure.

Thank you again for all your support.
Biggest hugs back to you

zoso77

That's because you're attempting to view his behavior through the prism of normal adult behavior. And you can't.

The thing about addicts is they are chemically conditioned to think that anything they want, they should get without modulating their behavior or paying some kind of price. Viewed in this context, your AXBF's behavior makes perfect sense. What happens if you let him back in? Well, after you bang the snot out of each other, and the chemical rush of being back together wears off, you'd likely end up where you were when you dumped his arse: confused, hurt, etc.

The best thing you can do for yourself is also strangely the best thing you can do for him: remove him from your life. And the reason it's the best thing for him is because you're telling him that you cannot have such an unhealthy presence in your life, which is telling him the truth. If you let him back into your life, you'd be telling him he doesn't have to change anything. We know that's not true, but what is true is there's little evidence he wants to change.

So follow your moral compass, listen to your inner voice, and put as much distance between you and him as possible. Short term, it'll hurt. Long term, you'll be much better off.

incomprehesible

Thank you zoso for managing to make me laugh out loud here.

It truly is somewhat unbelievable. Messages have continued since last night, they include pet names, self deprecating humour - all under the pretext of logistics (he is till in the house we rented together for a couple of weeks, so there are some lose ends to tie up, although they don't actually require communication).

Someone sent me this (I would credit the author, but I don't know who it is), I found it so interesting and accurate!

1. Global Thinking
This is attempting to justify something with absolute terms like “always” or “never” or “whatsoever”. It also can be something along the lines of “every guy does this”.

2. Rationalization
This is justifying unacceptable behavior saying things like “I don’t have a problem, I’m just sexually liberated”, or “You’re crazy”, or “I can go months without this, so I don’t have a problem”. Rationalization is telling yourself Rational Lies.

3. Minimizing
This is trying to make behavior or consequences seem smaller or less important than they are saying things like “only a little”, or “only once in a while”, or “it’s no big deal”, or simply telling the story in a better light than it really should be.

4. Comparison
This is shifting focus to someone else to justify behaviors such as “I’m not as bad as…”.

5. Uniqueness
This is thinking you are different or special saying things like “My situation is different” or “I was hurt more” or “That’s fine for you, but I’m too busy”. This one can also be considered Entitlement.

6. Distraction (Avoiding by creating an uproar or distraction)
This is being a clown and getting everyone laughing, having angry outbursts meant to frighten or intimidate others, threats and posturing, and doing shocking behavior that may even be sexual. This can be when we simply blow up upon being confronted hoping that our explosion will draw attention rather than the actual issue.

7. Avoiding by Omission
This is trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that the lover is underage, or the person is a close friend of your spouse, or revealing enough information while keeping back the most “dangerous” information that will get you in more trouble.

8. Blaming
This is when you shift blame and responsibility from yourself to another person, and many times this is done unconsciously since in the depth of our being we really don’t want to be held responsible for something. I call this the Adam Syndrome as this is what Adam did in the Garden (Genesis 3) by wrongly blaming Eve for his rebellion. This includes, “Well, you would cruise all night, too, if you had my job”, or “If my spouse weren’t so cold…” or “I can’t help it, the baby cries day and night and makes me nervous”.

9. Intellectualizing
This is avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or by asking why. This person tries to explain everything getting lost in detail, rabbit trails, and/or storytelling. This often includes pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.

10. Victim Mentality (Hopelessness/Helplessness)
This is where a person says, “I’m a victim”, or “I can’t help it”, or “There is nothing I can do to get better” or “I’m the worst”.

11. Manipulative behavior
This usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets, or guilt to exploit others.

12. Compartmentalizing
This is something that almost every addict does. This is separating your life into compartments in which you do things that you keep separate from other parts of your life. This is like a Jekyll and Hyde or a separation of Public and Private life to the point where it is unhealthy driven by thoughts of “If they only knew, then…”.

13. Crazymaking
This occurs when we are confronted by others who DO have a correct perception… we simply tell them that they are totally wrong. We act indignantly toward them attempting to make them feel crazy by simply positing that they cannot trust their own perceptions.

14. Seduction
This is the use of charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insincerity.

PhoenixJ

Jeez- I think I had better go and live in a cave somewhere, Inc. Good list. If the bugger fronts up- study the list and tell him which one he is doing (a joke only).
When abnormal is the new normal. When any doubtful connection that leads to that sweet, sweet release called drink- nothing else matters. A bit like a person dressed up like a robot pretending to be a person.
Good for you. Keep posting.

Pajama62

I've come to think that the confusion bestowed upon us by our addicts is intended to keep us off guard, insecure, and vulnerable. As long as we are unsure about one thing or another, the door remains somewhat open for them to waltz in if they think the timing is right.

I just want to thank you for your post. It was very needed tonight.

incomprehesible

Hello Pajama

This is unbelievable timing and thank you for your post, you can't begin to understand how much I needed YOUR response today to keep me on the straight and narrow.
I have to see the ex this evening. He's been difficult about returning belongings to me after he has now moved out of the house we shared together.
We had arranged for him to send them to me in a taxi, but of course he didn't stick to that.
I have continued to not respond to any of his attempts of contact,
including light hearted jokes, a link to a love song, requests to remain friends, etc.
Two days ago, he messaged the one thing he hadn't done yet; he apologised. And accepted 100% responsibility. Asks me if I really think he doesn't love me/never loved me. Tells me he wants to let me know that he thinks so much more of me than the impression he gave me. Tells me he went through a dark phase, had no concept of how much pain he'd cause. Agrees that none of it is my fault. Tells me he wants to know what I think, he can't work out why he did what he did, and that he's suffering.

I am not really confused anymore.

I know he's keeping my belongings "hostage" until I agree to see him. Fine, I have agreed to see him tonight (unfortunately, they're not things I can just let go), I have to get through this so that I can finally move on fully with no more connection to him.

As much as I think he may actually mean everything he said and of course my heart breaks, I am clear enough to know that these are empty words. Accepting it and allowing him back in my life in any way (even as a "friend") just means I condone his behaviour which is not beneficial to anyone, in particular at this stage (or indeed, ever). I ended the relationship 3 months ago, and from what I have seen, he continued his "crazy phase" up until at least a month ago. One month is not enough time for recovery.

He's not actually asking for reconciliation in his messages, but essentially, that's what I think he's aiming for, now that we no longer live together and he may be a little more sober, going through the feelings of grief and loss I started dealing with long before he started thinking about it.

It's difficult, but I read something about "playing the tape" in another forum. A bit like a recovering addict, I am playing the tape forward to what would happen if I entered into a reconciliation process. And the end of the tape shows me that I'd be right back where I started; and I haven't worked this hard over the last 3 months to go through this again.

I have no idea why I am writing this! I suppose it may just be to vent a little and reconfirm my resolve to myself!

Thank you for your support and hugs to you

Whitewingeddove

Sharing feelings helps you process..........keep it up!

incomprehesible

Thank you - it's helping me remain resolved for this evening's meet up too! I have a feeling I may see the man I haven't seen for a few months. The sober one I fell in love with. Head wins over heart. He isn't that man anymore.

incomprehesible

Need some guidance from my friends here, or maybe I am just typing to get it out of my system?
So, I saw the ex last night, as per my previous post. I’ve not really spoken to him in 3 months. I wasn’t completely sure what to expect, but what I got was a humble man, who cried for an hour, took 100% responsibility for his actions, admitted that he had projected everything on to me, had blamed me for everything, had at time really felt that everything was my fault and now realises how it absolutely wasn't, apologised for his behaviour towards me, thanked me and asked me how I had experienced his behaviour as he couldn’t remember much of it. He did not ask for reconciliation, but asked for friendship and possible future contact. He was level headed and sober.
I was kind and answered his questions honestly, but remained firm and explained that it was difficult for me to believe anything he said, and that I questioned his motivation and agenda. I explained that I had no trust and no respect for the way he had dealt with things, and that trust and respect were the 2 most important things for me to allow people in my life. I told him that it wasn’t impossible to rebuild trust and respect, but that this takes time and visible actions and plans. One month of sobriety, some words and tears alone don’t bring that back. I explained that I felt that the drugs have a destructive and deadly impact, but that underneath them, there is still the person that chooses to take the drugs to overcome whatever it may be that leads to using them in the first place – without addressing this, the cycle is never ending.
I left it at that and drove off. Did I deal with this in a good way?
Oh, and then I cried. But today, I am ok.