Frenchboy

Hi,

After months of scrolling anonymously through this forum I decided that I need to post because I need help

First time I drank, I ended up in the hospital. I was 15.
I dismissed it thinking it was because I didn't know anything about alcohol and was gonna be fine next time. And I was, alcohol gave me the opportunity to go from this shy kid playing video games to this cool kid partying every week-end, hooking up with countless girls, making many friends etc...

But of course it went worse. First time when you blackout you laugh it off when friends tell you what happened, like being the main character of a story you never heard about

Then it happened again and again, until I lost count, to the point I was ashamed, lying about it, pretending I knew what happened.

I even developed skills to try to measure the gravity of my blackout. Checking how much I spent, at what time I woke up, the amount of cigarettes I had left compared to my last memory of that night when I was smoking, to try to evaluate the importance of the blackout

I made a fool of myself many times, pissing myself and so on, I guess people here know too much the kind of stories I'm talking about, when you wake up with a massive hangover, a huge blackout and a feeling of shame and guilt crippling on you.

When I reached 19 and 2nd year of college things went terrible for me, I was binge drinking 5 days a week, always to the point of blacking out/barely remembering anything/making a fool of myself. Got a bad reputation at my school because of what I was doing. Was arrested for public intoxication twice in one year, went to the hospital another time. The shame led to more drinking, leading to more shame, then to more drinking, a nasty vicious circle

I'm a "social drinker", which means I go out every week end, get ****** up and regret the next day

I'm from France but in the US this year, as an exchange student (going back home in June). First thing I did here was getting a fake ID

Here I discovered cocaine. God I ******* loved it. Made me able to carry on drinking insane amounts of alcohol, but the coke makes me able to still control myself a minimum, less blacking out and less stupid **** I don't remember about, but while paying the price of huge horrible comedowns and stupid parties where you spend $100 and do lines until 12am

I managed to stay away from the blow lately, but kept my drinking habit, and got back to those huge blackouts that the coke prevented from happening

I need help, I know I'm an alcoholic, it's pretty obvious, when you blackout for 5 hours straight and wake up with bruises you gotta know something is wrong with you

I'm posting here because I feel lost and desperate, everybody around me go out and drink, I made attempts at quitting but I just get bored and go out again and everything starts again.

I don't know what to do, who to talk to, I feel really alone. I read many stories here but I feel it's different from me, because here it's mostly stories about adults drinking daily, while I mostly am a binge drinker on weekends in a "social setting" as a student. If you have/used to have the same drinking pattern as I do, please reach out to me

I plan to see a psychologist when I go back home, to talk about my problem

Until then I just wanted to share my story,

Thanks for reading me and please forget my English mistakes (not my first language)

If you have any advice please feel free to share it with me. RIght now, I don't feel ready to stop even though I know alcohol is killing me slowly

JustTony

That's how a lot of us started out. I'm afraid you're no different at all.

Read the stories of misery on here. That's your future unless you quit, No ifs buts or maybes in my opinion. Your drinking seems to have been really bad right from the beginning. I sincerely worry for you unless you seek help.

Tony

Hopefulone01

Frenchboy, I started drinking at age 19, in college, My story then could easily have been a quote from you. I managed to make that "work" for 20 years. Not sure how looking back at 4 DUI's public intox arrests, across 4 different states. My last blackout ended in a smashed up car in my driveway. Took a couple days and visits from the police to piece that night back together somewhat.

Your best option is to quit while you are still young, before you have done too much damage to yourself or others to come back from. Make the choice to be sober.

PhoenixJ

empathy and compassion offered. You are awesome at having an awareness of booze (and drugs) being a problem and wanting to do something about it now. Most do not. Can you get to both AA and NA meetings? That is a dual addiction. Keep posting.
Support to you. Also perhaps see of doc about your health- DO NOT SELF MEDICATE.

Berrybean

Welcome. Glad you're here and posting. There are plenty here who weren't daily drinkers, but drank alcoholically when we did. Binging and caving to the compulsion to the detriment of everything in our lives. The unmanageability builds up for us just as for the daily drinker, but we fool ourselves that we have control of things. That we are functioning. That's nonsense. I have experienced myself the difference that sobriety makes to my life and know without a shadow of a doubt that my alcoholic drinking and thinking damaged so so much that I didn't realise at the time.

I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Mountainmanbob

Frenchboy
I didn't start to black out while drinking until my later drinking years.
Blackouts have proven to be very dangerous for me and the ones around me.
Jails and hospital visits, restraining orders, cars and motor homes wrecked etc..
Seems once one starts blacking out -- our normal drinking days are gone.

There was also a time that I would mix coke with booze.
Spending a weekly paycheck for a weekend -- gets old.
Plus -- in time it will make for a duel addiction.

Study sobriety and gather your Sober Toolbelt.
For -- the good life that you always wanted.

Good luck,
M-Bob

mns1

Frenchboy you yourself are an adult. A very young one, but an adult nonetheless. I'm glad you posted here because getting a jump on this problem now is the best decision you could make. I started out like you as a "social" drinker in my early twenties, going out every night and getting obliterated. Before long it progressed to me blacking out at home by myself every night of the week. I am now 30 and I still struggle to get this under control.

There are other young people on here who could identify with you. I hope you can get this under control and enjoy your twenties. There's so much more to being young than getting drunk.

Fly N Buy

Keep coming back !

Mattq2

French boy,
Just get involved here pal. Post what ever your feeling and just get involved here. Your very young and can beat this now and completely change the course of your life. We all understand and will not judge you.

By the way your english writing skills are better then mine and it is my first language😀

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Frenchboy!!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Frenchboy; very glad you found this supportive, understanding and encouraging site.

I would suggest that you garner as much support as possible - a real-life support group such as AA, NA, SMART Recovery, Celebrate Recovery (find the one that is good fit for you), medical support from your doctor, and support from the psychologist you mentioned.

SR is a fantastic place for support and I hope that you make us a part of your recovery plan.

A fantastic life awaits you; do whatever it takes to get and stay clean and sober so that you enjoy and live that fantastic life.

Again, welcome.

SoberLeigh

And speaking of a plan, here is a link to a fantastic SR thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=Psst

mejorando

Millions of kudos for understanding that this is a problem. What works for me is ?AA and NA meetings but I´ve also purchased the SMART Recovery book-the program works for me so I haven´t gotten around to it but I always keep it because someday someone will need it.

Regardless, keep posting and sharing-I´m 4 years sober and you inspire me, dude

tomsteve

keep reading. you will find quite a few younger people here than you perceive.
then theres quite a few old farts- old farts that weren't old farts when they got sober. they got sober at a young age and became old farts because they stopped drinking.

"everybody around me go out and drink."
IF youre serious about stopping drinking, youre probably going to have to get away from wet places and wet faces- change play places and play faces.

might want to check out AA in your area to find f2f support from people that have been in your shoes.

alcoholism isn't about how much we drink and at what age.
remove that alcohol,look at the thinking, and there are similarities that cross every age range.

Eastcoaster20

Welcome Frenchboy! Kudos for recognizing your problem with coke and alcohol at this stage in your life. There is nothing worse than waking up with a massive hangover and having to piece the night before together and having to pretend to others that you somehow remember. I'm on day 32 now and though there have been a few social events that I missed drinking, I feel like a new person physically and can remember ever little second of the last month. No guilt. No shame. You can do it too!

Dee74

I'm late to the thread but welcome Frenchboy - hope to see you post some more.

SR helped me turn my life around.
There's amazing wisdom and support here

D