Tjunction

I had always believed only I alone had the power to impact the direction of my life regardless of who I associated with, addict or no addict, good or bad. With that mindset I allowed the addict to stay in my life. I later realized that this is not the case after looking long and hard at how the addict had really impacted me and it was a sad picture.

I thought about how I had to cover bills when he didn't making myself financially more in debt month after month. I thought my mental state impacted when I couldn't sleep for nights on end because I feared his return to my residence when he assaulted me in my own home on one occasion or the anxiety of what state my home would be in when I got home from work- would it even be locked at least? I thought about how I couldn't fetch my child or get to work when he wrecked the only car we had and we couldn't afford a new one because the little we had was wasted. . All the debt collectors that phoned me, not him because I was coherent. The embarrassment of my loved ones seeing the lengths he went to while drunk. All the miles I walked alone when I had no other choice but had to get to places. I thought about struggling to find my own place and get to my minimum wage work after leaving him having a bad credit record because all our accounts were mine and I couldn't cover everything alone. Being mommy and daddy when the upset little one couldn't understand why daddy didn't respond to her calls when daddy was passed out cold on the kitchen floor. The list goes on and on and on. Constant rollercoaster of bad events, struggle and false hope. Over and over.

"But no one can impact your life if you don't let them" I beg to differ from my experience.

If he wasn't in my life how much of that would I have experienced? If I had a caring, consistent provider in his place.

I do not place all the blame on him alone but as a recovering codependent if I was with better choice person for myself then the picture would have been way different today for the better.

Switch on the tv and watch the news - that drunk driver that put someone in a wheelchair or robbery gone wrong leaving behind a deceased loved one. Tell that victim who you encounter can't impact your life without your say. It can and it will.

LexieCat

I think where recovery comes in is where we recognize that we, too had a part to play in what the alcoholic "does to us." Certainly there is zero responsibility for some things--being assaulted or stolen from, for instance.

I know I put up with WAY more than I should have for the sake of holding onto a dream, not wanting others to know what a bad choice I had made, wanting to be the heroic partner who stands by and supports when others don't. And yeah, I paid the price for that. Many times. In lost money, lost self-respect, lost opportunities to focus on anything else in my life. Nobody forced me to stay. Yes, there are situations where someone quite literally is forced to, but that wasn't my situation. Most of the obstacles to leaving were in my own head, not a product of reality.

Tjunction

Hi Lexiecat

Yes, we have people around by choice at times but don't mistake being the decision maker to have that person around puts you in a power position. It can be the opposite. You are choosing to allow your life to regress.

Choose your company wisely is the moral.

I have noticed many newcomers struggling with an addict in their life fail to realize what an addict is capable of when things hit rock bottom because they feel they choose to have the person there therefore they can choose not too. You can't always uninvite someone so easily as you invite them. And when you reach damage control its too late.

I hope someone reads this post and thinks about where they heading keeping an addict hanging around when there's a better choices. It saddens me when they are capable of moving on easily (outside of emotions of course) but keep digging deeper.

LexieCat

Very true. It does become progressively more difficult to leave as one "invests" more and more of oneself in the relationship. Money, emotional energy, time. I think people do tend to rationalize that if/when things get "too bad" they will leave, but the boundaries keep moving, and the bar keeps being lowered.

I definitely see your point, there.

FeelingGreat

T, there are some people who are stuck through circumstances as well, like no family support, lack of money, lack of transport. I have so much compassion for them.

shiftinglife

I think we also need to acknowledge that our investment in the people in our lives grows with time spent and experiences shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and few of us started a relationship with a full blown addict. It creeps subtley and slowly into your life. The person you were connected to slowly slips away, and yet provides just enough moments of normalcy to keep you engaged and hoping. I don't think we actually allow them to hurt us, but we justify and coverin hopes of finding the person we started with. We feel responsible to care for, help, manage our lives and the lives of the people inthe addicts range. Our actions, if we were with a healthy person would be admirable, because a healthy person would accept the support, learn grow and move forward with us. We would hold one another up in turn, but an addict becomes someone that is only capable of being held up. They feel ashamed,angry with themselves and we are the target because we hold them together, and therefore represent their own inadequacies.
The strength to walk away comes at different times and is impacted by different circumstances for each of us. However we move through our journey is acceptable. Our only real choice appears when we have left and that is the choice to return to madness or truly move on.

Sending you empathy and strength.