Serendipitous

Hi all. I hope that you're all having a wonderful Easter and thank you in advance for reading this post.

It's going to be kind of long...

I was a shy only child and discovered at the age of 15 that alcohol could make me the kind of person who didn't feel self conscious under the influence. Due to a good family upbringing, I never really took up full scale with alcohol until I was 26, but I have gone to hell and back with the substance ever since. I recently turned 47, and I am a loving, working mum. Yet something happened to my child, and I missed the signs, probably because I was drinking diluted wine while I wasn't drinking.

I kidded myself because I was only drinking diluted wine these days (to get to my job an to pass random breath tests the next day).

I told myself that it was OK when it really wasn't...

Now I risk losing my child.

I am also scared because I haven't seen a doctor in many years and am having many symptoms.

In this past week, I have been meditating every single night and have listened to so many AA speaker tapes. I have done so many meditations and feel that I am at least in a good place when it comes to connecting with mindfulness.

In the last week, I have had 4 completely sober nights, with only 2 controlled drinking episodes (4 drinks each) and 1 drunken night (no child with me).

Tonight I went to my first AA meeting in years. I was ready to go back, got something from the shares, and yet managed to find my way to a bottle shop after many detours to have that last drink.

I'm scared.

It's my health. My bottom teeth are rotten, parts of my lower gum are turning grey, and my lower lip keeps peeling. My urine is not healthy.

I have to keep functioning but I am scared to stay sober because I am ...well...I am scared.

I can't go to AA meetings with no teeth.

I am scared to go to doctors.

So I keep drinking.

I really want to stop.

My daughter needs me. This is scary.

RetiredGuy

Welcome to the SR forums, Serendipitous! You have come to a great place for support. The people who post here have helped me to stop drinking for about two months. More importantly, they have also convinced me that returning to drinking is not an option. I am sure others will be along to offer you support. The first days of not drinking are tough, but believe me, the longer you stay away from booze the easier it gets. Good Luck!

MarkTwain

Well, I can see you are in a tough spot. You're managing to find a way to the bottle store, but you're not happy with the results. So, you have conflicting interests. You're struggling to continue drinking and keep your daughter and your health at the same time.

I can understand why you would find the situation scary.

kenton

Well done for posting Serendipitous. That takes courage. You deserve to get well and your daughter definitely deserves her mum to get well so please do whatever you need to do to stop drinking. Go to a meeting, see your doctor, post here....just stop drinking. That fear of yours, it won't get any better until you do. Sending tons of positive vibes your way

PippoRossi

We are here for you, Serendipitous. Keep on reading. Keep on posting. We are here.

Mizzuno

Being scared is a normal feeling but letting your feelings control you will not produce results. It sounds like you may need to see a physician. Bite the bullet ( fear) and make an appointment.

Serendipitous

Thanks to all of you for the support.

Mizzuno, I have a goal of seeing a doctor after 1 month sober. Tomorrow has to be day one again after daughter being at her dad's for the school holidays
Marking this and AA meetings in my diary in the meantime. .
Thanks. xx

Mizzuno

Maybe your symptoms will improve but it sounds like you need medical attention. Just for peace of mind and to know your on the right track.

Anna

I'm glad you posted and that you know you need to stop drinking. It sounds to me like there are major problems involving your daughter and I hope that you are able to fully focus on that and help your daughter in any way that you can. She needs you and is depending on you.

Lava256

Why not see the doctor tomorrow on your day one? My day one (the first attempt at least - I lasted 18 days) I dragged myself to an alcohol and drug centre and just off loaded to the doctor there. Doctors are not to be afraid of or make you feel embarrassed. Whatever it is, most likely they've seen worse. And, the results of such a visit may very well be the wake up call you need (though looks like you've gotten that already) to quit. I found out I have elevated liver values and that surprised and woke me up to the reality of what I was doing to my body with alcohol. Plus, I too have a child and your post has woken me up some more and strengthened my resolve to stay quit.

Soberwolf

Welcome Serendipitous

MsCooterBrown

Serendipitous

Anna, a man who we trusted interfered with my daughter while caring for her as I was working. I should have seen the signs but I put it all down to adolescence!
The problem is that I pay big rent to keep us safe and therefore work huge hours.
Trying so hard to balance this for my beautiful girl

Serendipitous

Lava, if I saw a doctor tomorrow, he/she would probably tell me to get my affairs into order. Not ready to die. ..

Forward12

Welcome to the forum, this does sound like a rough situation. I agree with above I think getting to your doc ASAP would be the best plan of action, instead of putting it off. You can let them know about your alcoholism, and perhaps put a plan of action into place.
The alcoholism seems to really be taking it's toll on you and your child. If you want to be there for her, you need to put the bottle down now and do everything it takes to stay sober.

Mizzuno

If this is really the case for you make a doctors appointment or go to the ER.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Serendipitous. So very glad that you found us.

This sounds dire; seeing your doctor now (rather than later) would very likely be prudent. I hope very much that you can find a way to do that.

As you mentioned, your daughter needs you.

Again, welcome; we are here for you.

Serendipitous

I appreciate the advice. I haven't been to a doctor in over 5 years - such is my medical phobia!
I will talk to my daughter's father until I sort this out. He loves her just as much as I do.
Still so scared. I apparently shouldn't feel this way, but finding courage to see a doctor is so hard. I have never even suicidal in my life but can't bear the thought of someone giving me death news.
I just want to be there for my girl.

Serendipitous

The problem is that the gum problem is periodontal disease. It is not covered by Medicare in Australia, so I have to keep working to save up for tooth extraction/periodontal treatment anyhow.

SoberLeigh

I do understand your fear. The news may not be as bad as you suspect though, Serendipitous, but only your doctor can make that determination. Try to think of your doctor as your partner in health; confide in him/her and be very honest.

Together you get on the road to better health.

I've read stories here of alcoholics turning some very bad health around by giving up the poison. Let your doctor help you get started. A medically supervised detox could be in order; let the healing begin, sweetheart.