TheHopeful

Hi all,

As I mentioned in my previous post, my boyfriend has finally admitted to being an alcoholic and is attempting to detox.

H tried once and drank again after a few days. Now he is trying again and we are on day three with no alcohol. He has seen a therapist a few times now, although he has not wanted to share anything they discussed. I told him it's fine, and we can talk about it when he feels ready.

He is on three different medications and when he isn't sleeping, he has been extremely emotional, crying a lot, talking about how his life is ruined and nothing will ever be okay again. I suppose it's normal at this stage?

The thing I don't know if I should address is that he has a few times mentioned how if he can go for three months without drinking, he'll be okay and can start drinking in moderation.

When he says things like this I just want to shake him and yell that he will never be able to drink again. I haven't though, because obviously I don't want to upset him when he is fragile like this. I just keep saying "let's just take this a day at a time."

But I'm wondering if I should say something? I assume this is something his therapist would have addressed, but I'm baffled how even after admitting there is a problem he still thinks he can eventually start drinking normally again.

So do I rock the boat or just keep my mouth shut?

TheHopeful

P.S. I'm working my way through the "Classic Reading" stickies. Whenever I have moment I'll come here and read a bit. It's been a bit of a safe place from all the craziness.

Tjunction

Hi,

What effect would doing either have. Stay quiet and he does things on his terms which from his history is not the best way.

Rock the boat and you are in a situation where the outcome is causing some distress.

I'm an not a professional but it sounds like some mental health issues that are coming to the fore that is part of a larger problem - not just alcohol. Perhaps as alcohol is no longer there to temper it. You are in the beginning stage and it's already a weight on your shoulders. I feel you some create space not involve yourself more. By a good measure not just here and there. Determine how much to stay involved by the level of work HE is putting towards sobriety and in this case his mental state.

You are starting to walk on eggshells not to derail his moods/stability. Be careful where this will end up.

I hope this helps you make a decision towards the best outcome for both of you.

honeypig

TH, your BF may have "admitted he is an A" verbally, but it sounds as if he is still in denial as far as actions go. It doesn't sound as if he has any real plan for long-term support for his sobriety, and I guess that's not shocking, since he doesn't plan on BEING sober in the long run. I would also say that the thinking of someone who is on their 3rd or 4th day w/o alcohol is FAR from clear, normal or healthy. I've seen it said here that it takes at least a year for any kind of normal thought process to return, and that's assuming the A is actually working some kind of recovery program, not just "not drinking."

It is not your place to know what he talks about w/his therapist. It is not your place to be his sole support and confidante during this time. You are not his rehab nurse, his sponsor, his doctor. The A has his/her alcohol addiction, and those of us w/codependent tendencies are just as addicted to being needed, being "the only one who understands, the only one who can help." It makes us feel special, rightly or wrongly.

He will enter recovery, or not, regardless of what you do or say or when you do or say it. Your focus needs to be on you now. Step away from HIS recovery, turn him over to HIS higher power, and turn your attention to your own situation. Who are you if you're not his nurse, doctor, sponsor, confidante, therapist?

dandylion

TheHopeful.....I actually don't think it matters, much, what you say or don't say...because it won't determine whether he reaches for genuine, long lasting recovery, or not.....
I don't think that the fact that "An alcoholic can't have one drink,,,ever" is a forbidden fact to let out of the bag. It is like saying that a fish neds water and gravity has pull....it ain't going to destroy him.
For one thing...his denial will not even allow him to "hear" it, if he isn't ready to face total abstainence.
When my son was drinking...I can't tell you how many times we argued over that point...with me shouting and crying...and him being angry that I was persistant....
LOL...one time I shouted at him..."You are intelligent...why in the world can't you get this simple fact through your head.?" He said back to me..."Because I am an alcoholic in denial....why can't you understand THAT, and , get off my back!?" He didn't get sober until he decided he wanted to...a long time, and lots of relapses later.....
So, my advice is to stop walking on eggshells around him....it is only stressing you out to feel so much responsibility....
Another fact....you don't know what is being said, or not in the therapist sessions. (he is, likely, seeing a psychiatrist, if he is getting prescriptions)...
Alcoholics are not always above misreporting or mishearing was was actually said....

This is what I think is really the most Important thing for you---that you do know the reality--that an alcoholic can't return to social or controlled drinking. that total abstainence is necessary...and that a diligent program is necessary...not just seeing a "therapist"...(although I think that therapy may be necessary, in addition...especially if there are other issues or diagnoses at play...which is often the case)...
What you know about alcoholism will help you to know how to make your plans...it will help you know what to expect and what realities you will be up against.
Knowledge is power.... not to control him...because you can't...but, to know what decisions to make and how to take care of yourself and your own welfare.

soberandhonest

I don't know anything about your situation, but I will say that, for the alcoholic, the concept of never drinking again is a really big one to come to accept. When I started recovery, I fully understood that I needed to stop drinking, but for a time, there was a part of me that hoped I could somehow return to normal drinking at some point in time. Grasping the idea of never drinking again is probably what kept me from seeking recovery for a very long time. Coming to an understanding that I cannot, and eventually embracing that, was a key part of my recovery, but it doesn't necessarily have to come right away and I don't think you should be overly concerned that it hasn't come yet. I would suggest that you give it a bit of time - perhaps a few weeks into recovery. It is, in my opinion, a valid conversation to have so that you can make your own decisions on your own life, but my guess is that your BF will reach this conclusion on his own if he is really committed to recovery.

Maudcat

Hi, TheHopeful, and welcome. Good for you for reading and learning as much as you can about alcohol-dependency. Knowledge is power.
I would suggest taking a step back from his recovery. It really is his journey, and no amount of support from you is going to change how it goes, though you may think that it will.
Instead, take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon. Keep reading, keep learning, and keep posting. You will find lots of support here. Peace.

atalose

More of this ^^^^^^^^ and way less focus of HIS attempt at detox and things you feel you need to say or not say because it just doesn't matter either way at this point in time.

Knowledge is power, self power for yourself in knowing and understanding alcoholism and addict behaviors.

Have you given any thought to seeking out al-anon recovery for yourself?

LexieCat

Every alcoholic's dream is to be able to take it or leave it, like a normal person. Accepting that they cannot is a HUGE obstacle in early attempts at sobriety. As dandy pointed out, the need for abstinence is not exactly a state secret. He just doesn't think he's "that bad." To him, the thought of never drinking again is UNFATHOMABLE.

When I finally faced that fact, for myself, you know what went through my mind? The fact that if I ever went to Amsterdam (then one of the few places where weed is legal), I couldn't get high. I'd spent my career in law enforcement, so drugs were always WAY off limits for me, but geeze, to be in a place where it was LEGAL...

Here's the insane part of that. First, I'd never been to Amsterdam, had no plans to go there, and no particular desire to go there. Second, I didn't even like weed very much when I was in college. I'd take a few hits if it was being passed around, but I can count on one hand the number of times I ever purchased any for myself.

So what was that all about? It was the idea that I wasn't normal. That I couldn't do what other people do. I have to sip water or sparkling cider at weddings for the toast. I have to order soda or iced tea when everyone around me at a restaurant is ordering cocktails or wine.

It actually has turned out not to be a big deal at all, and I don't feel left out of anything when those occasions arise. But in the beginning, yeah. It sure felt like a big deal.

Forward12

There is nothing you can say or do that will get him to see the light with his drinking, it all comes down to him and if he truly wants to get, and stay clean.
It sounds like he has no intentions of staying sober, and I would be shocked if he even made it to three months clean before this upcoming failed "moderation" phase happens.

AnvilheadII

Now he is trying again and we are on day three with no alcohol.

no - HE is on day three without HIM consuming any alcohol. this is not a WE thing. i know that sounds harsh but this is HIS problem. you don't have to babysit, or hand hold. as stated above you are not his nurse.

in fact it would be good for you to get out the house for a bit. YOU get some fresh air. go for a walk. remember you are a separate being.

TheHopeful

Hey all,

Thanks for your comments.

I guess I'm finding it hard to not get involved or say anything when there is someone so emotionally unstable in the house but I made an effort yesterday and told him I was tired of everything being about him and his feelings and that I need to detach for a bit. I went out and had lunch with a friend, got my nails done, basically just had a nice day and tried not to think about him.

I fully expected to find him drunk when I got home but he was fine and had cleaned the house and cooked dinner. So I guess my thinking he needs me to be around to stay sober isnt the reality.

I found it helpful hearing about how difficult it can be for an addict to think of giving up alcohol forever. I suppose even if I thought of never having a drink again I might struggle with the thought.

I'm not really comfortable with the idea of Alanon because I was raised in a religious cult and I think it would just rub me the wrong way or even make me angry. So for now I'm just going to stick to learning as much as I can about codependency/alcoholism.

Anyway happy Sunday everyone! Thanks for sharing.

honeypig

Can you explain the connection between growing up in a religious cult and not being willing to look into Alanon? If it's b/c you believe Alanon is a "religious cult", nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, one of the common sayings (which you may or may not have read here, too) is "take what you like and leave the rest." Does that sound like a cult?

I would urge you to get some facts and perhaps take a firsthand look for yourself. I promise, no one will be waiting to kidnap you, brainwash you, and force you to sign over all your assets at your first meeting. (They usually wait until at least the 4th or 5th to do that...)

Do you feel the same about AA, and is that why you have no expectations about your A having some kind of recovery plan other than the occasional therapist visit and your presence?

Seriously, while Alanon and AA are not for everyone, I do truly believe it's worth at least a look. Writing off these 2 programs b/c of fear they are part of a "religious cult"....well, I think you could be missing out on a tremendous resource.

Maudcat

Agree. Give Al-Anon a shot. The group has given me some wonderful tools for coping with everything life throws me.

atalose

Much like your thinking that he needed you to be around in order to get sober isn't reality. Your thinking that al-anon is a religious cult is also not reality.

How did it make you FEEL that he didn't need you in order to remain abstinent from drinking?

LexieCat

And just to add onto that. You CAN expect to hear a lot about "God" and your "Higher Power"--but it's totally up to each person how s/he conceives of that higher power. I know a lot of atheists and agnostics in AA and Al-Anon. They think of the Power of the Universe or something as their Higher Power. The point really is that YOU are not all-powerful. We can't control the weather, the laws of nature, or other people. We can control ourselves--our actions, speech and (to some extent, anyway) our thoughts, along with some aspects of our immediate environment, and that's about as far as it goes.

Al-Anon is very helpful for learning to sort out what is, and isn't, yours to own, and what is someone else's to own. It's great for learning to take responsibility for your part in human interactions, while not assuming everything that happens to someone else is your responsibility.

The other thing you can expect are certain practices that have become traditional at meetings--how they are run. It's up to each group how their own meeting is run (again--hardly cultish if each group is free to do its own thing). Meetings usually open with a prayer or a short reading or two. Only one person shares at a time, and usually only once during the meeting. There is no "cross-talk"--you don't respond directly to what someone else has shared or give advice (or expect advice)--members share their "experience, strength, and hope" with each other. At some point the basket is passed, but that is just for expenses. Most people put a dollar or two in. In some groups you raise your hand to speak, and in others they go around the room so everyone gets a chance to share. If you don't want to share, you just say, "Thanks, I'll pass." Or "Just listening today." Typically meetings end with a short prayer--the Lord's prayer or the Serenity Prayer--often while holding hands. The Twelve Steps of Al-Anon are the guiding principles, but nobody forces anyone to work them. They are just a tried-and-true program for recovery.

So that's pretty much it. Nobody puts any pressure on anyone to bring in new members (though of course if you find it helpful you'd want to recommend it to others), there's no membership roll, nobody mails anything to your house, how much of your own time is devoted to Al-Anon is completely up to the individual. Service work (helping set up the meeting room, serving on area committees, etc.) is encouraged but not required.

So it's pretty un-cultish. It has all the formality and pressure of a Girl Scouts meeting, lol.

Certainly worth giving it a try.

TheHopeful

Lol. That made me laugh.

Okay, I should apologise. I hope I didn't cause any offense to anyone who has/does go to Alanon and finds it helpful.

I'm not trying to imply that it IS a cult. I know that it isn't, and I'm sure it's a great place for many people . Just due to my own issues and history, I don't think it would be right for me as I know it would just rub me the wrong way.

Everything LexieCat described (sitting in a circle, holding hands, reading, praying, etc) would bother me and remind me of things in my past. So I'd rather just not open that can of worms.

TheHopeful

Quite a relief I think.

August252015

THIS. All of it. I say that as the alcoholic, as the adult daughter with many (MANY) interactions with my parents like the conversation shared above, as one who is a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.....the bottom line is you didn't cause his alcoholism, you cannot control it and you can't cure it. In addition to the excellent advice above - I would just suggest (or ask if) you go to a co-dep/Al Anon group to help YOU dealing with this relationship and LIFE.

If you choose to stay - you likely need support in how to do that best. If you choose to leave - again, both are your valid choices - you likely need support for what you went through as you go into future relationships and simply your own LIFE.

I echo what someone said about it taking a year or so to really heal - I am almost 14 mo sober (420 days) and saw major changes in all areas of my mind, emotions, and body - and THINKING- at about 100 days, six months, nine months and my stability and emotional sobriety continue to improve as I move into my second year of sobriety. I work a VERY diligent AA program, live in steps 1, 10 and 12, have a well supervised and VERY important drug regimen and relationship with my psych, among other things I do to maintain a strong recovery.

Good luck to you.

LexieCat

Unless you think it would trigger a severe traumatic reaction, I'd suggest still giving it a try. The "ritual" aspects are not the focal point of the meetings, and usually last maybe 5 minutes or so out of the whole meeting--right at the beginning and the end. And nobody has to participate in the hand-holding, prayers, etc., either. Some people just remain respectfully silent.

I just think the rest of the meeting could be sufficiently valuable that it might be worth trying. Unless, as I said, you think it would be actually harmful to you (as opposed to "rubbing you the wrong way"). Only you can judge that.