timetothrive14

Well not sure exactly where to begin but I'll start with the basics. First off, I've not been in a relationship with an addict (was married to an emotionally draining vampire/narcissistic - which has a lot of similarities) and so I'm not really sure what I'm dealing with here. I absolutely have co-dependent behaviors at times and really try to work on them - and I know I've been a contributor big time in where I am now.

I have BF of over two years - we met right after I got divorced. Clicked immediately and things were great. I have three kids from my previous marriage of 13 years - he has not been married and no kids. Within 6 months there were "red flags" I guess that I did a pretty good job of not paying attention to. Here's what I know today:
1) he has changed jobs roughly 6 times that we've been together,
2) he takes Kratom about 3-4 times a day and spends about $120 bucks a week just on that alone,
3) he uses chewing tobacco
4) he has been diagnosed ADD but is not consistent with his medical plan
5) he has admitted he has "an addictive personality"
6) he drinks pretty much every day, some more some less. Never gets noticeably drunk - pretty sure he can hide it really well.
7) went through a heavy use of Xanax awhile ago but has stopped that (as far as I know)
8) his brother was a massive drug addict but got clean and is thriving in life. but my BF took the brunt of that and a very dysfunctional family growing up.
9) i have this weird suspicion that his family thinks he doesn't drink as he has NEVER had a drink around them when I've been with him. But he always tells me to go ahead and have a glass of wine or whatever.
10) he watches a TON of Tv, has crazy sleep habits and I've just got a gut sense that all isn't what it seems
11) I've never ever asked him if he is addicted to alcohol. Confrontation is not easy for me but it's getting better.
12) he used to go to this head shop that sold kratom but it weird baggies that he now admits he would buy 2-4 a day at $20 a pop and thinks they had more than just kratom in them.
13) he will smoke weed - just one hit - to go to sleep he says. he also tries Kava Kava and other things to help with anxiety. Again, no formal doctor or therapy plan - just trying whatever he has read might work.
14) He talks to me more than anyone in his life - has opened up and shared a lot - but again, I think there's more.

So, my naive question that I'm sure is laughable but I need to hear some real life answers to - is what am I dealing with here? He functions along in life but it feels like there are all these substances that he depends on - nothing illegal as far as I can tell - but still....he literally can't function without the kratom. And he has stopped drinking for 5-6 days at a time and talks about how the "whites of eyes" look better and his skin is better etc. I drink alcohol - not regularly but I've never felt like my system is messed up because of how much I consume.

Anyways, this is a lot... and I could tell you how much I love him, how well we get along together, etc etc. But something tells me that there's an issue here... We don't live together - so I only see him 15-20 days per month but I don't know...something feels off. Am I paranoid? Over reacting? Being dramatic and looking for trouble when there isn't any?

I appreciate the support and I really just can't figure out what's going on but there must be something if I got this far to find these boards. Thank you!

AnvilheadII

you could have stopped after 1 and 2.

not one thing you listed about this person sounded healthy or like someone you'd want around kids. i think what you might be "missing" is this guy is BAD NEWS top to bottom.

you say he "functions" - if you mean eats, sleeps, breathes and takes drugs, then yeah i guess that is a form of functioning. he can't hold a job, he takes drugs and drinks every day, zones out on tv and sleeps a lot.

to be blunt, let this one go.

dandylion

I agree with every word that Anvil just said. Especially the part about him not being fit to be around kids.

Maudcat

H, timetothrive. Welcome to SR.
You are trusting your gut. Something feels wrong with your SO.
That's because there is.
He is an addict. If not kratom, then weed, then Xanax, and maybe alcohol.
Yikes! That is quite a potpourri of substances.
Maybe not taken simultaneously, but still.
You are right to see red flags with this relationship. Only you can decide your way forward, but...
I don't see a promising partner in this person.

LexieCat

There's not "an issue" here--this is Dysfunction Junction.

I'm assuming there is something about him you find attractive, but whatever it is, it isn't worth the pain you (and potentially your kids) will experience if you stay with this guy.

I'd cut my losses sooner rather than later.

PinkPetuna

I'm not really sure what I'm dealing with here. I absolutely have co-dependent behaviors at times and really try to work on them - and I know I've been a contributor big time in where I am now.

I am just learning about co-dependency myself. I'm not sure you are giving yourself enough credit, you know what you are dealing with, you have identified 14 red flags. Trust your gut.

Am I paranoid? Over reacting? Being dramatic and looking for trouble when there isn't any?

No, you have been given an opportunity to see who he is and make a change. I agree with the others, protect yourself and your kids.

PuzzledHeart

1 and 2 are dealbreakers. Just 1 alone raises a giant red flag. I don't think I would have the stomach for that. I did date somebody who was unemployed for two months, and I felt cruel breaking up with him "just because"... But he was too unstable. And also a jerk.

13 is a just a bad idea all around.

14, if I was experiencing it, would be extremely flattering at first. But then after a while it would become extremely tiresome. You cannot be his sole go to human crutch. It's simply not sustainable, and it really isn't fair.

What makes you stay?

timetothrive14

Why do I stay? We enjoy a lot of the same things - movies, golf, laughing, going for long walks, so some healthy stuff together. He is a great listener - and has great emotional intelligence. He is an incredibly kind-hearted person - it's like there is this amazing soul underneath all these demons that I wish he would let lead him to a better place. Unfortunately, he's just numbed himself out of dealing with his past family stuff with all these substances. And I know now it's not my job to fix him - I thought for a long time that my positive influence could help but really it's hurt me...especially financially - which is another huge red flag that I've contributed to in a big way... So much enabling when I look back.

He's tried to stop Kratom several times - tapering...cold turkey...I supported him as much as I could. I know there are people out there who depend on Kratom as it helps overcome addiction to harder drugs - and those that say it's no worse than coffee - so this one is confusing for me. It just seems like it's truly an addiction for him...he has to make sure he has some at specific times of the day or he can't get by.

Note - he has only met my kids two times - both in casual situations. But it's come to the point now where if he's not going to be in their lives, then the relationship is pointless because they are part of me. And my intuition is telling me it's not a good idea.

LexieCat

Look at it this way--you don't have to decide he's a worthless human being to decide he's not right for you. It's easy (especially when we know how it feels to feel "rejected") to avoid hurting the other person at all costs--even when it comes at substantial cost to us.

You don't have to "straighten him out" or feel responsible for what happens to him if you're not around. There are tons of places he can turn to for help if he decides he's sick of living this way.

All you have to say is that your lives seem headed in different directions right now, and that you've decided that it's best not to continue the relationship. You don't have to explain it or justify it further than that. It's about as kind a let-down as there is. If you get into a lengthy debate or discussion about it, you're likely to hear a lot of promises to change, a lot about how he doesn't know how he'll get along without you, yadayada, and you may find yourself re-upping for another tour of duty.

Best to end it kindly and quickly, before the resentments build up.

AnvilheadII

yeah, it might be time to up your "standards" and hit the brake pedal when you see the FIRST red flag.

when we have been dating someone for TWO years and have only "let" them meet our own children twice in casual settings, we are telling ourselves something is very wrong.

when we can list no less than four different drugs they are taking or have taken, something is very wrong.

when we somehow see them as "improve-able" and we are certain we can "guide them to their better selves", something is very wrong.

timetothrive14

Thank you for all this honesty..unfortunately it's also a bit more complex as I've been contributing financially to him. The reasons why I am and how I've gotten here are frankly embarrassing for a woman who is educated, has a good job, and three kids to take care of. But it is what it is, and I've believed every promise about how great the next job will be and how he will easily be able to afford everything. And just wait a little longer... Anyways, I have to untangle this - I have to become unemotional and deal with this like a business issue. I deserve someone who contributes emotionally and financially to a relationship, right? I just started out small helping here and there and suddenly here I am paying for way too much... I can barely look at myself. I've ignored so much in the hopes of things suddenly getting better and what I'm gathering is that they don't - instead I'm spiraling down along with him. I worry all the time about where he is, what he's doing, what drug he might be taking...the anxiety gets overwhelming at times. I often hand it over to God to worry about as I literally get paralyzed worrying about what I don't know. It's not healthy...it's just not and I am living in denial. Flat out.

He told me once that an old girlfriend called him a wolf in sheep's clothing... I kind of laughed. But now I'm not laughing. At all.

Ok, baby steps. Thank you for giving me a place to open up.

dandylion

timetothrive....I think, that , sometimes, we so yearn to be loved like we want to be loved, or are so co-dependent that even when we see a wolf in wolf's clothing...we think "All he needs is a bit more hair conditioner".....

LexieCat

One important suggestion--that I REALLY urge you to heed--Do NOT stay with him for the sake of getting any part of your "investment" back. Trust me--you won't get it, and staying will ultimately cost you much more--financially, emotionally, and in terms of sheer ongoing disruption to your life.

My last two relationships (one involving marriage, the other a 5-year relationship) both involved deadbeats. One lost his job due to his drinking, and he preferred drinking to taking what he considered a "doofus job." I was supporting us both for the vast majority of our relationship--and by the end was looking for a second job. The other guy had a business, which I financially supported, because he had no credit due to a bankruptcy. He worked hard, but was a terrible businessman, and the only way I got my financial investment back was that I was able to sell property we owned together and keep what he owed me out of his share. If it weren't for the property, I would never have seen a penny. In both instances, it was MUCH healthier for me to write off whatever money I was owed as a bad investment rather than continuing to deal with the individual for the sake of trying to recover any of it.

atalose

Baby steps is not how you untangle yourself from a wolf! You have to cut and run quickly begin with the money! Cut that off and most likely he'll be the one running.

honeypig

ttt, regarding your concerns about his inability to survive w/o your financial help, I had similar concerns about XAH. XAH almost always held a job during our 20+ years together. We had only joint bank accounts, so what was mine was his, too. Now that I am the only one handling my finances, I am seeing how much $$ was being diverted to finance his drinking and cigarette smoking (also concealed). It appears to have been the majority of what he was earning, and yes, I worked a 2nd job during many of those years. Oh, and did I mention that he would refuse overtime at work unless it was mandatory? He needed "time for himself", is what he always said...

With all that said, I was certain when he moved out that he'd crash and burn financially in no time. After all, he could never have afforded to live like he did w/o my income to pay for the necessities. It's about a year and a half since he moved out and surprise, surprise, he has managed to pay rent as well as buy a different vehicle during that time. Apparently he IS capable of handling money and making it cover what it needs to cover; it was just a lot more convenient to secretly raid our savings, let me work a 2nd job b/c we just never seemed to get very far ahead and I couldn't understand it, and then accuse me of being "money hungry."

One of the things you'll read regularly here are stories where the spouse/partner/sibling/parent/child/whomever is convinced the A absolutely cannot make it w/o help from him or her. What you'll read after that is an SR member saying A's are incredibly resourceful when it comes to their addiction, and that that same resourcefulness can be used to figure out a place to stay, to find a rehab or AA meeting, whatever the A decides he/she needs. You may have slid slowly down the slippery slope to supporting, or mostly supporting, him, and yeah, he's gonna be PEEVED when the gravy train stops rolling in, but is he going to starve? Not very likely...

PhoenixJ

SUPPORT AND EMPATHY to you.

Hummer

He really doesn't sound worthy of your time, support or finances.
So sorry you have found yourself in so deep - creeps up on all of us.
You will find the strength to do the right thing for you and your children.

Maudcat

Well, the financial piece does complicate things. It also clarifies things, at least to me. He is not a mixed up guy with a beautiful soul who self medicates with a variety of substances.
He is an addict, and he is using you financially.
It's not personal. It's what addicts do.
And they are darn good at it.
When my alcoholic sib was married, long ago, he had no problem with his wife working two jobs while he played all day, drank, drugged, and fooled around.
Ironically, it was at one of her second jobs as a bartender where she became friendly with some women working there who, upon learning of her unequal marital situation, told her to wise up and get the heck out of her cruddy marriage.
She did. Never looked back.
My sib, now 62, lives with my mother. Still drinks. A lot. He is a wreck of a human being.
I would extricate myself from this relationship, recognizing that it will be painful.
You deserve better.

TimeForMe

This sentence speaks volumes. Listen to your intuition. If your intuition is saying not to have a person around your kids, why would you want that person around you?