Deckard1997

Yes I still drink sometimes. When I am dry I type google on the old keyboard and then log in to soberrecovery. I am jealous of those who can go very long Sahara desert times of not getting a little drunk. You are better than any superhero I know almost supernatural if I may add. But for me I can only go for 5 days of not drinking I don't know why.

LIfe is very hard without alcohol . I been robbed stabbed raped you name it it has all happen to me. Except death,

So it has become a medicine for myself . Yes life is nice, you look at the sky or grass it's all beautiful to look at yes of course. To think the only thing that kind of understands me that is a chemical or substanes named alcohol and to never drink it again makes my feel negative.

For Anyone who reads this far I am glad you are bettering you life and those you love.

Dee74

Its the kind of medicine that makes our ailments worse.

Why not commit to another day one, use this place for support and get some ideas on how you can move from periodic sobriety to full recovery?

I'm sorry for your pain but alcohols actually stopping you from healing.

We all understand you. BTDT.
D

Deckard1997

Yes I know Dee. I been to psycologist and they all say it is not my fault I even went one day in rehab and didn't like it . You are right I need days of zero alcohol. THanks for the reply Dee.

PhoenixJ

Alcohol just MAKES bad stuff feel worse. I should know. There is hope- why post? Go to a meeting, feel crap around people instead of by yourself. Might actually help you feel just a little better. Obvious one for me- professional support,.
Support to you.

Deckard1997

Well PhoenixJ I post because I felt like it. Putting things in writing does wonders. Makes one realise the reality more.

JustTony

Hi Deckard,

Bad things have happened to me too. Some would say the worst thing that could happen to a person - even worse than their own death.

I have used alcohol because I'm an alcoholic. I've also used alcohol deliberately (albeit perhaps I now understand more subconsciously) to kill myself. I tricked myself into believing that I was self medicating at times too.

In the end the throbbing torso, swollen liver, broken wife and miserable existence made me question if I wanted to sink any lower or not. I asked myself a simple question:

"Do you want to die?"

I told myself 18 days ago that I didn't. That I wanted to live.

I'm not sure if my experience helps you or not?

One last observation about what you wrote if I may? You said that you can't go more than 5 days without alcohol? One thing I have learnt in life (I teach it at work) is as follows:

If you say you can then you can. If you say that you can't then you're right.

You're making the 5 day limit a self fulfilling prophecy in my opinion.

Tony

Dee74

I drank to blot out some terrible things too Deckard - the sad thing was I could never blot things out completely and drinking became a way to tolerate the pain.

Before long I was constantly in pain and constantly needing my 'medicine'.

I thought for a long time I had to fix my pain before I could sort out my drinking...but it worked the other way around for me - the only way I could bring about any kind of real change was to stay sober.

It's not easy but noone says you need to do this alone - there's a ton of support here - we want to help

D

Berrybean

I've never been stabbed, but life has had plenty of painful experiences and memories that I have needed to learn to accept and heal from. Like Dee says, alcohol just stops us healing. It numbed my feelings and stopped me learning to deal with emotions so I ended up emotionally immature.

You know, people that stay sober do so through acceptance and willingness. Working a program of recovery to make sobriety bearable, sustainable and eventually preferable to drinking. That recovery process is what helps us to accept life on life's terms. No superhuman strength required.

Why not make yourself a plan for recovery? Those painful feelings and memories that you're a slave to at the moment, you can be free of them if you choose. Not instantly, and it would require work. But, from one who knows, it is so, so worth it. We CAN drop those rocks, and slip out of the shackles. But we need to stay sober and work on our recovery. One day at a time.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

You see, that medicine you're taking doesn't really work does it. It actually makes thing slowly and steadily worse. It makes our lives unmanageable and isolates us.

I had a counsellor once. I told her everything that everyone else ever did wrong to me. And a few bits about myself that troubled me (but not too much - after all I wouldn't have wanted her to think badly of me lol). She told me it wasn't surprising I felt bad, and that it was okay to feel like I did. She didn't have any suggestions about what I could change to make things better (maybe if I'd have been properly honest about my part in things she could have made some suggestions, but I couldn't do that.) Anyway. I the end I decided that, actually, you know what, it is NOT okay to feel as I did. Sure, perhaps my resentments towards some people who had harmed me were justified, but me carrying on dragging that pain around like a sack of spanners day in day out, and laying awake remembering things and going over and over what I could have said or done different etc - that was not any way to live. Eventually I decided to take advise and work on my recovery. I got an AA sponsor and did the 12-step program of recovery. It changed my life (on the inside) completely. No superhero stunts involved. It's free and available to anyone who wants it and has the willingness to change. Change their thinking and way of dealing with life. We have to do that, because as they say, if nothing changes nothing changes. And boy, do most of us need some changes for us to find some peace with ourselves and the rest of the world.

Praying that you will give yourself the chance to change things and find some serenity. BB

SnazzyDresser

You're framing the issue by making drinking seem natural, your medicine, your friend, the way you have of coping with life. Also that sobriety is this impossibly difficult thing that only special people can achieve. Neither is correct.

Alcohol is a lousy medicine, it being a poison that would gladly kill you. Sobriety is within everyone's grasp, Deckard. It's within your grasp if you want it, however unlikely that may seem to you now. One of the things your medicine is doing for you with long-term drinking is damaging your brain and clouding your judgment.

ScottFromWI

In once sense, alcohol is a "medicine" in that it chemically alters the function of your mind and body. But like a lot of medicine, it is toxic and will do much more damage than good when used inappropriately.

And that's really the crux of the issue - alcoholics cannot use alcohol appropriate - ever. Accepting that fact is the only way to move forward.

tomsteve

another one here that drank to TRY and blot out all the crap.
didn't realize until I got sober that it didn't work for crap- if it did I wouldn't have kept coming back and id drink again- the viscious cycle.

getting sober and facing everything helped me tremendously- it wasn't easy facing, completely sober, being responsible for the death of another human, something I tried to drink away for years.
but I was able to find peace with it eventually.

MarkTwain

You've given yourself some good reasons for drinking, but you don't seem convinced drinking works well.