JessicaNAJ

I was posting in another thread and this Topic came to mind. I realize this is a big problem for me with my AH and wanted to see if I could get some suggestions from you wonderful people on how to get over that need to protect my AH.

Financially, I'm backing off and not helping him. That's on him. I'm having trouble with, it seems, circumstances that could really hurt his self esteem. (Such as getting another DUI)

Peaches04

I think that must be the hardest thing for codies, like us, to overcome. I think that's where we really have to just tell ourselves "let go, let go, let go, let go". We have to understand that maybe that is what our AH has to go through, in order to hit his rock bottom. I try to view it as "am I really helping? or am I just prolonging the inevitable and allowing it to take me down along the way?". It takes a lot of practice, and I'm not there yet - to truly let go. Some days I do great - and I LOVE those days - I live for me and my 2 kids and nothing interferes with my happiness. Then AH does something (quits job, whatever) that sucks me back into the "poor guy..this is going to break him". Ofcourse, then i get pissed off about something he says or does, and that stops. Then I think "why did I waste my time worrying about that for him". It's a cycle...I've been through it - oh, at least 200 times now. I'm working really hard to STOP it!
In order to do that - I have to LET GO...

JessicaNAJ

I think I need to read that book.

Peaches04

Which book? Is there a book about this...if so, I need to read it too (or are you just talking about the Melody beattie books?)

raebaby6

So I am new here....but have the same story. Married young was happy and had no idea that he was an achololic. Over the last ten years I have repeatedly put myself out for him, somehow assuming the blame was mine for not being what he needed. He left two days ago...just said I had ruined his life and he wanted nothing more to do with me. We have six kids and one on the way....My heart is breaking and yet I am angry. I am lost...I feel as I have been a single mom for the last five years anyway, but it hurts because you just don't feel like you are worth it.

JessicaNAJ

Peaches - I think my AH is reading a book called the "Language of Letting Go". That's the one I'm thinking of.

JessicaNAJ

Rae - you are worth it / and so much more.

Peaches04

Oh Rae - you ARE worth it! Your AH left because he has coping problems and can not deal with life...it's not you. If you were perfect, he would still blame you because he can not cope with himself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this - AND with six kids! But, you said it - you've been raising them by yourself more or less anyway.
I think I am finally starting to understand that it's NOT me, just like it's NOT you. You are worth it and most definately your six kids are... let him go (I promise, it's not as hard as it sounds - can be very enlightening if you can really let go) - focus on YOU and your kids and what YOU can do to make this a great life for you guys! Hang in there!