Support and advice needed
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Support and advice needed
Hey all,
Well this is my first time joining a forum like this and I'm not the most advanced person when it comes to literature, I figured that because everything else I've tried by myself to improve my relationship and this addiction hasn't worked, that I would ask you here for any advice you can help me with.
I've been thinking how to write this out a little before hand and there's so much that's happened in our relationship that I'm going to skip a great deal of the details and hopefully they will come out as the thread unfolds...
So any questions will be answered very appreciably
Well here goes... So me and my girlfriend have been together for two and a half years now and from the very start alcohol has been a big problem but countless tries of sobering up and living the normal healthy lifestyle has failed and we end up back in the same patterns of falling out splitting up then getting back together when sobar.
Let me explain both mine and my girlfriends backgrounds so hopefully it's easier to grasp the bigger picture.
Ill start with my self, ever since I was young I've been the quiet shy introvert guy and have never had a proper relationship until I met my girlfriend. Before I met her I didn't drink hardly ever nor took any drugs bar smoked some cannabis as my night time chill out time, then I met my girlfriend at probably the worst time I could of, as I will explain a little about her now.
So my girlfriend she's 34, 6years older than me so she's got a lot more experience in the relationship department, the time we met was a really bad time for her as she was going through social services in respects of her loosing her two children due to the use of anthetamines. We was seeing each other just before her two little girls got taken and from then till now 2years later. She has been an addict for 19years since she was around 15, since that age she has been taking anthetamines and pain killers etc but since her girls got took due to the anthetamines she has switched this addiction for alcohol which when she gets drunk she often gets aggressive and very confrontational. She has had a hard life which has made a high impression of how she is now, when she was younger she got beaten up by her mums boyfriends a few times and received a lot of neglect from her mum she would have fights with her sisters and her mum which sometimes with items being used as weapons which lead to her mum having to put her in care. And now with her having no one around her for support and nothing constructive to do with her being unable to work due to her mental health and physical health (she has bipolar and recently become diabetic needing to take insalin shots) she is left with guilt and plenty of time to be tempted by her addictions.
Now let me try and explain our relationship which like I said is a long story so I will skim over it, so after her children got taken is when we starting seeing each other a lot more and when the troubles began, at first there was no real big problems we would have a few beers each night and just watch films and stuff then not long at all into it the arguements started just over anything. It didn't take long for the black eyes and mind game comments to come, pritty regularly when she would get drunk she would get insucure and aggressive smashing things up and start hitting me over any comment she takes the wrong way, she's abit of a Tom boy so she knows how to throw punches. Right from that time I would leave her when this happens but she would always manage to lure me back in, after taking this behaviour for a very long time I started reacting too her, when we got drunk I would try to restrain her or push her away to stop me from receiving another black eye but when she's drunk she isn't going to stay still or calm for long which countless times lead to the police being called with us both being arrested.
I'm trying to speed this up now because it seems like our life story but there's so much more but I want to stay on the point of the addiction.
on a sperate occasion she got found guilty of gbh to another girl while up town drinking with a friend, so in August of 2016 she was sent to prison for 3months which she got out November 2016. Just before she went to prison was a really bad time with the alcohol and we was on the verge of finishing, when she got sent to prison I was wrighting to her and she seemed genually sorry for all that had happened and promised to stay off the alcohol for good. Which at first it was amazing I had stop drinking while she was in there as I was sick of all the things that come with it and she stayed clean too but then about a month and a half into it we was going to bingo and as we was stood outside she said do you fancy having a couple of drinks "we should be able to have a couple now and then" this phrase would become increasingly used and irriatable. So with a lot of haste I said yeah ok, deep down I knew that was the first step to open a can of worms. but I kidded myself into thinking it was possible to have a few now and then, that night went ok we had a couple of pints each which just made us tired and ready to go home to bed. But then on more and more occasions the do you fancy having a drink popped up with the other problems of "beer gives me a headache let's just get a "small bottle" of vodka". And as the old problems of the insecurity and aggression slowly came back I've steered away from the drink but been left with my girlfriend always wanting to drink again (most days). With me not drinking she will sneak of to the shop or a mates to get her dose then when we at home together after her demina and attitude towards me completely changes. Which makes me feed up and in fear of her upsetting the neighbours ( it's her flat and one more complaint and she loses the flat) also of smashing up my belongings which I constantly have to take with me when I leave for the night. It's got to the point it happens that often I leave my belongings at my dads now so I don't have to take them the next time it happens even though we are supposed to be living together.
I've told her plenty of times she needs to clean up or I can't do this anymore then she will be clean for a few days then she either says she needs anthetamines to take her mind off things rather than using alcohol because she can "control that" and take it and stop it when she wants which sadly I thought was worth a try and it does keep her off the alcohol but when she's on her come down she starts fancying a drink anyway gets really irritated and scattery. So I tell her I need you off everything altogether that's the only way we will work and most of the time she agrees, and will try hard to stay of it but the sneaking thing keeps coming in to play anytime she has chance or any money she will be off to the shop buying that "little bottle of vodka", not saying anything to me drinking it in the other room or in the garden. Then when it hits her and I notice I question her which she dennies then still pretending she hasn't had a drink starts having ago at me getting all emotional about her mum, kids and everything else that's gone wrong in her life.
I really love the woman but each time this happens it's chipping away my patentience, trust and genuinely how affectionate I can be with her. I'm harbouring so many hard feels due to this it's making me distances myself which she is noticing which is making her do it even more to block out any feelings.
I just feel like I really have no hope on my own recorrecting this whole thing, I need some support as I still want to be with her it's just killing me inside and out as this is just carrying on no matter what.
Thanks for listening I feel better already just need some steps to put in place now..
Well this is my first time joining a forum like this and I'm not the most advanced person when it comes to literature, I figured that because everything else I've tried by myself to improve my relationship and this addiction hasn't worked, that I would ask you here for any advice you can help me with.
I've been thinking how to write this out a little before hand and there's so much that's happened in our relationship that I'm going to skip a great deal of the details and hopefully they will come out as the thread unfolds...
So any questions will be answered very appreciably
Well here goes... So me and my girlfriend have been together for two and a half years now and from the very start alcohol has been a big problem but countless tries of sobering up and living the normal healthy lifestyle has failed and we end up back in the same patterns of falling out splitting up then getting back together when sobar.
Let me explain both mine and my girlfriends backgrounds so hopefully it's easier to grasp the bigger picture.
Ill start with my self, ever since I was young I've been the quiet shy introvert guy and have never had a proper relationship until I met my girlfriend. Before I met her I didn't drink hardly ever nor took any drugs bar smoked some cannabis as my night time chill out time, then I met my girlfriend at probably the worst time I could of, as I will explain a little about her now.
So my girlfriend she's 34, 6years older than me so she's got a lot more experience in the relationship department, the time we met was a really bad time for her as she was going through social services in respects of her loosing her two children due to the use of anthetamines. We was seeing each other just before her two little girls got taken and from then till now 2years later. She has been an addict for 19years since she was around 15, since that age she has been taking anthetamines and pain killers etc but since her girls got took due to the anthetamines she has switched this addiction for alcohol which when she gets drunk she often gets aggressive and very confrontational. She has had a hard life which has made a high impression of how she is now, when she was younger she got beaten up by her mums boyfriends a few times and received a lot of neglect from her mum she would have fights with her sisters and her mum which sometimes with items being used as weapons which lead to her mum having to put her in care. And now with her having no one around her for support and nothing constructive to do with her being unable to work due to her mental health and physical health (she has bipolar and recently become diabetic needing to take insalin shots) she is left with guilt and plenty of time to be tempted by her addictions.
Now let me try and explain our relationship which like I said is a long story so I will skim over it, so after her children got taken is when we starting seeing each other a lot more and when the troubles began, at first there was no real big problems we would have a few beers each night and just watch films and stuff then not long at all into it the arguements started just over anything. It didn't take long for the black eyes and mind game comments to come, pritty regularly when she would get drunk she would get insucure and aggressive smashing things up and start hitting me over any comment she takes the wrong way, she's abit of a Tom boy so she knows how to throw punches. Right from that time I would leave her when this happens but she would always manage to lure me back in, after taking this behaviour for a very long time I started reacting too her, when we got drunk I would try to restrain her or push her away to stop me from receiving another black eye but when she's drunk she isn't going to stay still or calm for long which countless times lead to the police being called with us both being arrested.
I'm trying to speed this up now because it seems like our life story but there's so much more but I want to stay on the point of the addiction.
on a sperate occasion she got found guilty of gbh to another girl while up town drinking with a friend, so in August of 2016 she was sent to prison for 3months which she got out November 2016. Just before she went to prison was a really bad time with the alcohol and we was on the verge of finishing, when she got sent to prison I was wrighting to her and she seemed genually sorry for all that had happened and promised to stay off the alcohol for good. Which at first it was amazing I had stop drinking while she was in there as I was sick of all the things that come with it and she stayed clean too but then about a month and a half into it we was going to bingo and as we was stood outside she said do you fancy having a couple of drinks "we should be able to have a couple now and then" this phrase would become increasingly used and irriatable. So with a lot of haste I said yeah ok, deep down I knew that was the first step to open a can of worms. but I kidded myself into thinking it was possible to have a few now and then, that night went ok we had a couple of pints each which just made us tired and ready to go home to bed. But then on more and more occasions the do you fancy having a drink popped up with the other problems of "beer gives me a headache let's just get a "small bottle" of vodka". And as the old problems of the insecurity and aggression slowly came back I've steered away from the drink but been left with my girlfriend always wanting to drink again (most days). With me not drinking she will sneak of to the shop or a mates to get her dose then when we at home together after her demina and attitude towards me completely changes. Which makes me feed up and in fear of her upsetting the neighbours ( it's her flat and one more complaint and she loses the flat) also of smashing up my belongings which I constantly have to take with me when I leave for the night. It's got to the point it happens that often I leave my belongings at my dads now so I don't have to take them the next time it happens even though we are supposed to be living together.
I've told her plenty of times she needs to clean up or I can't do this anymore then she will be clean for a few days then she either says she needs anthetamines to take her mind off things rather than using alcohol because she can "control that" and take it and stop it when she wants which sadly I thought was worth a try and it does keep her off the alcohol but when she's on her come down she starts fancying a drink anyway gets really irritated and scattery. So I tell her I need you off everything altogether that's the only way we will work and most of the time she agrees, and will try hard to stay of it but the sneaking thing keeps coming in to play anytime she has chance or any money she will be off to the shop buying that "little bottle of vodka", not saying anything to me drinking it in the other room or in the garden. Then when it hits her and I notice I question her which she dennies then still pretending she hasn't had a drink starts having ago at me getting all emotional about her mum, kids and everything else that's gone wrong in her life.
I really love the woman but each time this happens it's chipping away my patentience, trust and genuinely how affectionate I can be with her. I'm harbouring so many hard feels due to this it's making me distances myself which she is noticing which is making her do it even more to block out any feelings.
I just feel like I really have no hope on my own recorrecting this whole thing, I need some support as I still want to be with her it's just killing me inside and out as this is just carrying on no matter what.
Thanks for listening I feel better already just need some steps to put in place now..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Hi there, I've had my fair share of experience as a co-dependent. I'm now struggling with my own problem with alcohol. So when I dated a crystal meth addict I tried to save him for 4 years. I didn't know what to do. All the controlling, ultimatums and anger and love didn't work. Thankfully I found Naranon the equivalent of Alanon and the nature of this forum for family and friends.
To make a long story short I highly recommend you pick up "Co-Dependent No More". It's how to deal with someone that has an issue and to maintain your sanity and possibly save your relationship.
A few things it taught me,
Detach with Love
Let Go and Let God (or whoever you choose, just let Go)
When my reactions to his actions changed he changed. It was insane. I just stopped participating in the madness. I didn't leave him, and he detoxed himself on his own and stopped doing the drugs. We went on to have a happy relationship for a good year, and then his demons returned. Well I was done at that point. Only you will know when you are done.
To make a long story short I highly recommend you pick up "Co-Dependent No More". It's how to deal with someone that has an issue and to maintain your sanity and possibly save your relationship.
A few things it taught me,
Detach with Love
Let Go and Let God (or whoever you choose, just let Go)
When my reactions to his actions changed he changed. It was insane. I just stopped participating in the madness. I didn't leave him, and he detoxed himself on his own and stopped doing the drugs. We went on to have a happy relationship for a good year, and then his demons returned. Well I was done at that point. Only you will know when you are done.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Muddled 
I just feel like I really have no hope on my own recorrecting this whole thing, I need some support as I still want to be with her it's just killing me inside and out as this is just carrying on no matter what.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but your girlfriend is a total mess, and she's dragging you down with her. She is physically and emotionally abusing you, and her intoxication/addiction is no excuse.
I understand that you care about her, but you CAN'T "recorrect this whole thing." The only one with the power to help your girlfriend is herself, and if she doesn't respect or care about herself or you enough to get help, there is nothing you can do to change that.
You're a young guy, and you are throwing your life away. I'd suggest letting go and moving on. This is not a safe or healthy situation for you--and it's not doing her any good, either.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Muddled, glad you found us. You may love this woman but her problems are far to complex and serious for you to fix. You have zero chance.
If she couldn't become sober for the sake of her poor children, what chance she will do it for you?
On top of her substance abuse, she is a violent person, who has inflicted enough damage to serve jail time. She has glimpses of where she wants to be, but isn't capable of acting on it.
Why are you staying? Maybe it's fear of being alone, but you deserve a much better relationship than this. You are capable of staying sober to support her and you no doubt would thrive in a normal happy partnership.
If you do decide to move on, she will be bound to come after you with promises of good behaviour, but they won't last. Don't get sucked back in.
There is so much better waiting for you if you can make the break.
If she couldn't become sober for the sake of her poor children, what chance she will do it for you?
On top of her substance abuse, she is a violent person, who has inflicted enough damage to serve jail time. She has glimpses of where she wants to be, but isn't capable of acting on it.
Why are you staying? Maybe it's fear of being alone, but you deserve a much better relationship than this. You are capable of staying sober to support her and you no doubt would thrive in a normal happy partnership.
If you do decide to move on, she will be bound to come after you with promises of good behaviour, but they won't last. Don't get sucked back in.
There is so much better waiting for you if you can make the break.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome, Muddled. Lots of support here.
As others have said and will say, you can't control your SO's drinking or her behavior.
Being with an addict is the hardest thing there is. It sounds from your post that she does not want to stop drinking at this point.
That is who she is. Only you can decide your way forward, but the relationship doesn't sound promising or particularly positive.
I hope you will stop drinking and stay stopped. That doesn't help anything.
As others have said and will say, you can't control your SO's drinking or her behavior.
Being with an addict is the hardest thing there is. It sounds from your post that she does not want to stop drinking at this point.
That is who she is. Only you can decide your way forward, but the relationship doesn't sound promising or particularly positive.
I hope you will stop drinking and stay stopped. That doesn't help anything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I wasted 34 years of my life waiting for my addict to get his shxt together, it never happened. I wish I knew 25 years ago, what I know now about addiction. It is a progressive disease, it will only get worse, if you actually can believe that.
I would run. Block her on your phone, email and all social media, and move on in your life. Sorry, but I lived with the pain and it hurts. You will be ok
I would run. Block her on your phone, email and all social media, and move on in your life. Sorry, but I lived with the pain and it hurts. You will be ok
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
When my reactions to his actions changed he changed. It was insane. I just stopped participating in the madness. I didn't leave him, and he detoxed himself on his own and stopped doing the drugs.
At the moment I'm just being quiet distant and quiet with her she's not had a drink since the other day when she came back from the shop drunk, she says it her "second day" day now and can I just be normal with her but I can't just switch back and betend like it doesn't happen, and second day of alcohol till when is the question.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
[QUOTE=LexieCat; I understand that you care about her, but you CAN'T "recorrect this whole thing." The only one with the power to help your girlfriend is herself, and if she doesn't respect or care about herself or you enough to get help, there is nothing you can do to change that.
You're a young guy, and you are throwing your life away. I'd suggest letting go and moving on. This is not a safe or healthy situation for you--and it's not doing her any good, either.[/QUOTE]
I really do think she tries but she is just so overwhealmed by everything that she falls back into those habits, I would say she has tried maybe not as much as I'd like her to have. And she I actually perfect for me when she can maintain her sobriety, I think we both just don't know how to get her that help now
You're a young guy, and you are throwing your life away. I'd suggest letting go and moving on. This is not a safe or healthy situation for you--and it's not doing her any good, either.[/QUOTE]
I really do think she tries but she is just so overwhealmed by everything that she falls back into those habits, I would say she has tried maybe not as much as I'd like her to have. And she I actually perfect for me when she can maintain her sobriety, I think we both just don't know how to get her that help now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Why are you staying? Maybe it's fear of being alone, but you deserve a much better relationship than this. You are capable of staying sober to support her and you no doubt would thrive in a normal happy partnership.
If you do decide to move on, she will be bound to come after you with promises of good behaviour, but they won't last. Don't get sucked back in.
There is so much better waiting for you if you can make the break.
If you do decide to move on, she will be bound to come after you with promises of good behaviour, but they won't last. Don't get sucked back in.
There is so much better waiting for you if you can make the break.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by maia1234
I wasted 34 years of my life waiting for my addict to get his shxt together, it never happened. I wish I knew 25 years ago, what I know now about addiction. It is a progressive disease, it will only get worse, if you actually can believe that.
I would run. Block her on your phone, email and all social media, and move on in your life. Sorry, but I lived with the pain and it hurts. You will be ok
I would run. Block her on your phone, email and all social media, and move on in your life. Sorry, but I lived with the pain and it hurts. You will be ok
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Welcome, Muddled. Lots of support here.
As others have said and will say, you can't control your SO's drinking or her behavior.
Being with an addict is the hardest thing there is. It sounds from your post that she does not want to stop drinking at this point.
That is who she is. Only you can decide your way forward, but the relationship doesn't sound promising or particularly positive.
I hope you will stop drinking and stay stopped. That doesn't help anything.
As others have said and will say, you can't control your SO's drinking or her behavior.
Being with an addict is the hardest thing there is. It sounds from your post that she does not want to stop drinking at this point.
That is who she is. Only you can decide your way forward, but the relationship doesn't sound promising or particularly positive.
I hope you will stop drinking and stay stopped. That doesn't help anything.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Muddled
I really do think she tries but she is just so overwhealmed by everything that she falls back into those habits, I would say she has tried maybe not as much as I'd like her to have. And she I actually perfect for me when she can maintain her sobriety, I think we both just don't know how to get her that help now
Help is as near as your nearest AA group. And YOU can't help her get sober. It takes the help of other people who GET what she's dealing with. Getting sober isn't a "together" thing--it's something she has to want for herself, and she has to navigate her recovery herself.
And Al-Anon would be a good plan for YOU to keep the focus off her and on your own life, instead. If you are going to stick around for a while, you're going to need all the help you can get.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
KEEP POSTING/READING/LOOKING- have you checked out any of the other support threads?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by LexieCat
"Just trying" doesn't cut it when you're an alcoholic. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I'm eight years sober, myself. For an alcoholic to get sober and STAY that way--happily--takes a tremendous amount of ongoing effort and a real plan. Because it's the "happy sobriety" that is the key. If sobriety sucks, why do it? That's what causes alcoholics to pick up again--sometimes even after a pretty long stretch of not drinking.
Help is as near as your nearest AA group. And YOU can't help her get sober. It takes the help of other people who GET what she's dealing with. Getting sober isn't a "together" thing--it's something she has to want for herself, and she has to navigate her recovery herself.
And Al-Anon would be a good plan for YOU to keep the focus off her and on your own life, instead. If you are going to stick around for a while, you're going to need all the help you can get.
Help is as near as your nearest AA group. And YOU can't help her get sober. It takes the help of other people who GET what she's dealing with. Getting sober isn't a "together" thing--it's something she has to want for herself, and she has to navigate her recovery herself.
And Al-Anon would be a good plan for YOU to keep the focus off her and on your own life, instead. If you are going to stick around for a while, you're going to need all the help you can get.
I don't know how she can expect me to act as everything all fine and all happy but she tries to say it's making her drink and I need to show her interest but I just can't find it in me to do that, maybe there is too much water under the bridge to bring this back.
What is al-anon? Is it a group or something? The thing is as soon as I leave the flat I'm getting messages saying all I care about is my self and so on which I can understand why she would feel like that because I barely make convosation with her for a couple days after she's gone and gave in to her temptation
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by Muddled
Can I ask how was he acting and how was you reacting and what did you change in how you reacted?
At the moment I'm just being quiet distant and quiet with her she's not had a drink since the other day when she came back from the shop drunk, she says it her "second day" day now and can I just be normal with her but I can't just switch back and betend like it doesn't happen, and second day of alcohol till when is the question.
At the moment I'm just being quiet distant and quiet with her she's not had a drink since the other day when she came back from the shop drunk, she says it her "second day" day now and can I just be normal with her but I can't just switch back and betend like it doesn't happen, and second day of alcohol till when is the question.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by Muddled
Well I just got home from the gym and she's pissed again and locked the door so I've left to go my dads, I was only gone 2hours. She's saying it's my fault she's had a drink because I've been distant with her and not really been touching her and she caught me watching porn this morning so took it pritty bad. What she always failing to realise is I'm distancing myself because of how all this making me feel.
I don't know how she can expect me to act as everything all fine and all happy but she tries to say it's making her drink and I need to show her interest but I just can't find it in me to do that, maybe there is too much water under the bridge to bring this back.
What is al-anon? Is it a group or something? The thing is as soon as I leave the flat I'm getting messages saying all I care about is my self and so on which I can understand why she would feel like that because I barely make convosation with her for a couple days after she's gone and gave in to her temptation
I don't know how she can expect me to act as everything all fine and all happy but she tries to say it's making her drink and I need to show her interest but I just can't find it in me to do that, maybe there is too much water under the bridge to bring this back.
What is al-anon? Is it a group or something? The thing is as soon as I leave the flat I'm getting messages saying all I care about is my self and so on which I can understand why she would feel like that because I barely make convosation with her for a couple days after she's gone and gave in to her temptation
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