Pray for my ex-GF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 2
Pray for my ex-GF
Until about 3-4 months ago, I was dating (for a little over a year) a crack & alcohol addict who had close to 4 years clean. Besides the addictions, she was sexually abused as a child by her brother and had definite chemical imbalance problems that often caused pretty serious depression. During our relationship, I was able to convince her to get medication and counselling. This really made her a lot more stable and calm most of the time. But, despite discussions about my feelings, I was finding that I was really putting a LOT more into the relationship than I was getting out of it. And it was quite a roller coaster ride, especially before the meds and counselling.
We briefly split up several times. But this last time, I told her that she shouldn't call me for at least a couple months. But we could perhaps be friends after that. (It was her choice to split up again btw - she pretty much decided that she just didn't have it in her to do her part in the relationship - she loved me, but just didn't have the energy/motivation to show it). She did love me though and I know that she thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. And, not to brag, but I was. I loved and supported (emotionally) her (and her 2 year old son) like no one else ever has. And I did (obviously) love her too. But I needed to feel loved. And though I knew she did love me, I didn't feel it. So, this last time when she came out with "This just isn't going to work," that was when I told her not to call for a couple months. And she didn't. Boy were those some difficult weeks for me.
After about a month and a half, her son accidentally hit autodial and called me while playing with the phone. I allowed that to be an ice breaker and began speaking with her occasionally again. She was also apparently having a rough time of it. But she was also getting out of good habits and making poor decisions. She hadn't been seeing her counsellor and had stopped taking her meds, including even her birth control pills.
An old friend from her drug days, who claimed to be clean for a couple years or so, popped back up in her life and brought her back suddenly face to face with a large quantity of crack again. The temptation was too great. $500 later, well, you know the story. I was the first person she told and I tried to console her, telling her that it was just a freak accident, that she wouldn't have done it if her 'friend' hadn't blind-sided her the way she did. I told her that she was still strong and could move past the incident and continue to have faith in herself, she should just stay away from that friend. Well, the one time was enough to do her in. I was still only speaking to her about once a week at that point.
Then, about 2-3 weeks ago, I got a message from her on my work phone saying that she was "going away for a while, probably 30 days or so." Freaking out at the vague message and thinking all kinds of horrible things had happened to her, I called her parents (who are also very fond of me) to find out what was going on. She had gone off on a several day binge and was at a rehab center that her parents had brought her to (she went in voluntarily). (There was lots of other bad stuff involved, but this is already too long.) She was put on meds that she complained made her feel jumpy, but was told to give it a few days. She then called her place of employment and found out that she'd lost her job, which she said put her over the edge. So she left the rehab and went out on another binge. Since I was still in contact with her parents as well, I found out about this binge while it was still going on.
After 5 days of worry and depression of my own, she called me (last Tuesday). At her request, I rushed out to retrieve her. She said she only wanted a break and wanted me to bring her back, but I couldn't see myself doing that. I brought her to my house, fed her, and let her crash out. She had called her sister from my house before falling asleep, and I called her back once she had fallen asleep. I knew I couldn't make her do anything or go anywhere, but I thought her family might be able to do so. Her sister arrived at my house and together we were able to convince her to just go talk to someone at one of the local hospitals. During her conversations with hospital staff, she let slip that she had hoped that the drugs would kill her, which they took to mean she was suicidal. So, they basically forced her to go to the nearby psychiatric center for evaluation. At 2 o'clock in the morning, they finally brought her over to the PC and told her that a doctor would talk to her probably by 8 a.m. So, her sister and I went home. At 2:30 a.m. I received a phone call from her saying that the doctor got to her already and they would release her on the condition that she check into one of the rehab places nearby the next day. So, I went out and got her again and brought her to my house.
Unfortunately, the rehab place that she wanted to go to currently had a wait of 1 week. Her sister and I both offered our places until a bed opened up for her at the rehab. She decided to stay with me. Though I don't know of any times that she's ever lied to me before, she did manage to manipulate events (and me) so that she had temporary food stamp card (w/$180 on it). I personally thought it was a bad idea that she had it. But, since she had been complaining about how everyone was treating her like she was a little child, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and made no comments.
I took Wednesday off from work to try to help get her into that rehab place and instead drove her around so that she could get warmer clothes, get that food stamp card, and see her parents and son and daughter (yes, she has an 11 year old daughter that her parents have custody of. This is like de-ja-vu all over again for them.). But I had to go back to work yesterday. After worrying all morning and screaming home for my lunch break, I was very happy to see that she seemed settled and stable on my couch watching TV. I let down my guard at about that point. I wasn't even worried when I came home from work at the end of the day. And she was there.
I had to go to band practice at 8:00 p.m. last night and I suggested that she hang out with her sister while I did, since her sister lives right around the corner from where I go to practice. But she said that she wanted to go to an NA meeting instead and had checked around for local places she could go. I was okay with that (sort of - just had a little wierd feeling). Her sister had given me $20 to use for her cigarrettes etc. $15 or so of it was still left yesterday. Saying that she'd use it to get a cab back to my house after the meeting, she asked me for the money. "It's not like I can get a bump for $15 anyway." I recalled the food stamp card she had, but again gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to trust her and treat her like an adult, as she wanted. I gave her the money.
At 7:45 p.m., I dropped her off where the meeting was supposed to be held before going to my band practice, completely trusting her and believing that she was back on the road to recovery. Upon my return at around 11 p.m., my heart and stomach just dropped when I found that she hadn't returned home. I had left a key outside for her to use to get in my house, but I've taken that in since. She's lied to me and manipulated me and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. And, while I'm really angry and hurt by that, I'm still sick with worry about her.
She'd told me horror stories about her last binge - seizures and passing out, coming closer than ever before to dying from the crack, a gang member holding a knife to her throat for kicks, stealing a credit card from someone and charging thousands of dollars on it. She doesn't want to deal with anything anymore, especially the huge mess of her life that she's just made. I'm so afraid that she's either going to die from an overdose or just commit suicide from all the guilt and self loathing that she's feeling. I know I did everything I could for her and that it's something that she has to want to do for herself. But (stops to wipe tears from his eyes) I'm afraid she'll decide she just doesn't want to. I'm freaking out and depressed as hell. But I guess all I really want is for all the prayers that you can offer for her. My prayers were answered once so far and she was brought back. But they're needed again.
Sorry for going on so long. But thanks for any who listened. It's probably a little theraputic for me to type all this out, though I'm not feeling it right now.
We briefly split up several times. But this last time, I told her that she shouldn't call me for at least a couple months. But we could perhaps be friends after that. (It was her choice to split up again btw - she pretty much decided that she just didn't have it in her to do her part in the relationship - she loved me, but just didn't have the energy/motivation to show it). She did love me though and I know that she thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. And, not to brag, but I was. I loved and supported (emotionally) her (and her 2 year old son) like no one else ever has. And I did (obviously) love her too. But I needed to feel loved. And though I knew she did love me, I didn't feel it. So, this last time when she came out with "This just isn't going to work," that was when I told her not to call for a couple months. And she didn't. Boy were those some difficult weeks for me.
After about a month and a half, her son accidentally hit autodial and called me while playing with the phone. I allowed that to be an ice breaker and began speaking with her occasionally again. She was also apparently having a rough time of it. But she was also getting out of good habits and making poor decisions. She hadn't been seeing her counsellor and had stopped taking her meds, including even her birth control pills.
An old friend from her drug days, who claimed to be clean for a couple years or so, popped back up in her life and brought her back suddenly face to face with a large quantity of crack again. The temptation was too great. $500 later, well, you know the story. I was the first person she told and I tried to console her, telling her that it was just a freak accident, that she wouldn't have done it if her 'friend' hadn't blind-sided her the way she did. I told her that she was still strong and could move past the incident and continue to have faith in herself, she should just stay away from that friend. Well, the one time was enough to do her in. I was still only speaking to her about once a week at that point.
Then, about 2-3 weeks ago, I got a message from her on my work phone saying that she was "going away for a while, probably 30 days or so." Freaking out at the vague message and thinking all kinds of horrible things had happened to her, I called her parents (who are also very fond of me) to find out what was going on. She had gone off on a several day binge and was at a rehab center that her parents had brought her to (she went in voluntarily). (There was lots of other bad stuff involved, but this is already too long.) She was put on meds that she complained made her feel jumpy, but was told to give it a few days. She then called her place of employment and found out that she'd lost her job, which she said put her over the edge. So she left the rehab and went out on another binge. Since I was still in contact with her parents as well, I found out about this binge while it was still going on.
After 5 days of worry and depression of my own, she called me (last Tuesday). At her request, I rushed out to retrieve her. She said she only wanted a break and wanted me to bring her back, but I couldn't see myself doing that. I brought her to my house, fed her, and let her crash out. She had called her sister from my house before falling asleep, and I called her back once she had fallen asleep. I knew I couldn't make her do anything or go anywhere, but I thought her family might be able to do so. Her sister arrived at my house and together we were able to convince her to just go talk to someone at one of the local hospitals. During her conversations with hospital staff, she let slip that she had hoped that the drugs would kill her, which they took to mean she was suicidal. So, they basically forced her to go to the nearby psychiatric center for evaluation. At 2 o'clock in the morning, they finally brought her over to the PC and told her that a doctor would talk to her probably by 8 a.m. So, her sister and I went home. At 2:30 a.m. I received a phone call from her saying that the doctor got to her already and they would release her on the condition that she check into one of the rehab places nearby the next day. So, I went out and got her again and brought her to my house.
Unfortunately, the rehab place that she wanted to go to currently had a wait of 1 week. Her sister and I both offered our places until a bed opened up for her at the rehab. She decided to stay with me. Though I don't know of any times that she's ever lied to me before, she did manage to manipulate events (and me) so that she had temporary food stamp card (w/$180 on it). I personally thought it was a bad idea that she had it. But, since she had been complaining about how everyone was treating her like she was a little child, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and made no comments.
I took Wednesday off from work to try to help get her into that rehab place and instead drove her around so that she could get warmer clothes, get that food stamp card, and see her parents and son and daughter (yes, she has an 11 year old daughter that her parents have custody of. This is like de-ja-vu all over again for them.). But I had to go back to work yesterday. After worrying all morning and screaming home for my lunch break, I was very happy to see that she seemed settled and stable on my couch watching TV. I let down my guard at about that point. I wasn't even worried when I came home from work at the end of the day. And she was there.
I had to go to band practice at 8:00 p.m. last night and I suggested that she hang out with her sister while I did, since her sister lives right around the corner from where I go to practice. But she said that she wanted to go to an NA meeting instead and had checked around for local places she could go. I was okay with that (sort of - just had a little wierd feeling). Her sister had given me $20 to use for her cigarrettes etc. $15 or so of it was still left yesterday. Saying that she'd use it to get a cab back to my house after the meeting, she asked me for the money. "It's not like I can get a bump for $15 anyway." I recalled the food stamp card she had, but again gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to trust her and treat her like an adult, as she wanted. I gave her the money.
At 7:45 p.m., I dropped her off where the meeting was supposed to be held before going to my band practice, completely trusting her and believing that she was back on the road to recovery. Upon my return at around 11 p.m., my heart and stomach just dropped when I found that she hadn't returned home. I had left a key outside for her to use to get in my house, but I've taken that in since. She's lied to me and manipulated me and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. And, while I'm really angry and hurt by that, I'm still sick with worry about her.
She'd told me horror stories about her last binge - seizures and passing out, coming closer than ever before to dying from the crack, a gang member holding a knife to her throat for kicks, stealing a credit card from someone and charging thousands of dollars on it. She doesn't want to deal with anything anymore, especially the huge mess of her life that she's just made. I'm so afraid that she's either going to die from an overdose or just commit suicide from all the guilt and self loathing that she's feeling. I know I did everything I could for her and that it's something that she has to want to do for herself. But (stops to wipe tears from his eyes) I'm afraid she'll decide she just doesn't want to. I'm freaking out and depressed as hell. But I guess all I really want is for all the prayers that you can offer for her. My prayers were answered once so far and she was brought back. But they're needed again.
Sorry for going on so long. But thanks for any who listened. It's probably a little theraputic for me to type all this out, though I'm not feeling it right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
BKC -
I am so sorry to hear this story. I feel for you, for her children and family, and also for her. Drugs and alcohol are like chains we wear voluntarily - it's insanity.
You have gone above and beyond for her - she is fortunate to have you in her life. I'm sorry that her disease is doing all the talking for her lately.
I certainly don't have any answers for you... and I guess you aren't really looking for answers... but it is good to talk these things out, especially with people like us who will most definitely understand and empathize. There isn't anything more that you can do for her; all any of us can do is say some prayers for her. I hope she comes in from the cold and takes advantage of the love and help that are so clearly there for her.
Meanwhile, try to take good care of yourself. You've done all that you can, now you have to look out for you. You are a very kind man, and I understand your sadness with all of my heart. Just take care of yourself.
Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry to hear this story. I feel for you, for her children and family, and also for her. Drugs and alcohol are like chains we wear voluntarily - it's insanity.
You have gone above and beyond for her - she is fortunate to have you in her life. I'm sorry that her disease is doing all the talking for her lately.
I certainly don't have any answers for you... and I guess you aren't really looking for answers... but it is good to talk these things out, especially with people like us who will most definitely understand and empathize. There isn't anything more that you can do for her; all any of us can do is say some prayers for her. I hope she comes in from the cold and takes advantage of the love and help that are so clearly there for her.
Meanwhile, try to take good care of yourself. You've done all that you can, now you have to look out for you. You are a very kind man, and I understand your sadness with all of my heart. Just take care of yourself.
Thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Bkc; My thoughts and prayers are with you and your g/f.
I know she has had a hard life and lots of issues, but you need to know that a lot of us addicts could tell you parallel stories, but yet, we stay clean one day at a time.
I will pray for her and hope for the best. I know it's hard when you love someone, and they continue to hurt themselves.
All the best
Diana
I know she has had a hard life and lots of issues, but you need to know that a lot of us addicts could tell you parallel stories, but yet, we stay clean one day at a time.
I will pray for her and hope for the best. I know it's hard when you love someone, and they continue to hurt themselves.
All the best
Diana
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