kellyrally

Hey guys,

This Saturday coming will be day 30 for me which is the longest period of time I think I've ever had without alcohol since my early 20's, so will give myself a pat on the back for that.

However...I'm a school teacher here in NZ and we now have a two week break for end of term 1. It's Thursday evening here right now, not even on the first day of my holiday and I'm already freaking out about the temptation to drink whilst on holiday but especially because I will be going home to my parents place to stay for a few days which I am dreading to be honest.

I am close with my parents (only child here), but I don't know how to explain this without it being an essay...BUT I have always felt a lot of pressure from them to make something of myself and you know...be an upstanding citizen that has a great career, and has all the friends, and the boyfriend etc. They have always pushed me to be the best I can be which I KNOW comes from a good place, but I think it often comes across as them being really hard on me right? And I am also incredibly hard on myself - always have been - I guess because I learned it from them!

So I find it hard to be honest with them about what's going on with me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a looooong time and have gone through some very hard lows with that which my parents have never really handled that well. My Mum tends to worry a lot and she doesn't really understand people who get depression - she just soldiers on through anything. She seems to view it as a weakness I guess, and I don't believe it is that, so I don't really feel like she gets me. We are very different and butt heads in a lot of ways.

Over and above all of that, I hate the idea that I am disappointing them and I feel like I do so very frequently. My most recent blunder was just last year they had to bail me out of quite a bit of debt, so I currently owe them a lot of money and am paying them back fortnightly, so that's put extra strain on our relationship too. It was really ugly.

So I feel like I can't be honest with what's going on with me, but then I go inward and don't know what to say at all, right?

AND I also know that there is going to be a lot of alcohol in the house because they are drinkers. Every time I have gone home in the past, I have drunk everyday because it was just there and I could without paying for it even.

So far, I've been all good about not drinking, simply because I just have not been around it. But I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be so in my face (though I did go to a BBQ sober a week or so ago which was fine). I'm also aware that on my recent visits to see my parents I drank a lot in order to numb out/escape from the awkwardness I feel about my relationship with my parents. So I'm nervous about going naked...

To sum it up, I'm not sure what I will be saying to my parents who expect so much of me (but do love me) about how I am doing and why I am not drinking etc, and therefore I am extremely anxious, and I'm also aware that I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands too.

I'm planning on making sure that I do exercise when I can, and I already try to journal/meditate every day and will be attempting to have some longer meditation sits (I want to build up to a 10 day silent retreat ahh...) and I also have plans to go to a couple of meet ups and meet some new people.

Any other advice on what to say/ease the angst??

Thanks and sorry for the looooong post but even if no one replies...it's been cathartic to write it out.

Cheers x (hmm...maybe I need to stop saying cheers now?)

Mountainmanbob

Tell them the truth.
You are working on a healthier you.
Which for now includes exercise and no booze.
Stick to your guns with this simple story.
Make no big deal out of it.

Remember -- the majority does not drink.

M-Bob

Lava256

Congrats on the 30 days. It looks like you've done a good job staying away from alcohol thus far. Have you developed a sobriety plan? If so, then you could add to it some techniques/tactics that will ensure you stay sober while on this very long holiday, surrounded by all these triggers (demanding parents, free booze...). It certainly won't be easy. My first thought was to advise you to cancel your plans with your parents and do something else instead. But if you really must go then go armed with a sure fire plan to maintain your sobriety. Good luck to you and happy holidays!

PhoenixJ

KRF- welcome. You cannot change them. You can change how you feel about yourself- with work and support. So - with the hols- an excellent time to go to AA meetings- see an addiction counsellor, go to a SMART meeting. Join online support communities- like Beyond Blue 9I do all of these btw). Sobriety and self esteem is something I could never achieve alone. I did not have the emotional maturity or the willpower necessary- many do not. Most, IMO do not. Perhaps join some of the threads here/ Class of April 2017, the 24 hour check in thread, Whiner's Anon...??
Empathy and support to you. Keep posting, PJ.

Dee74

Congrats on the 30 days kellyrally

I was well into my thirties when I quit. I told my parents about my alcoholism and my depression and worried them a lot at the time when really they had the least cause to be worried about me.

I've always regretted that.

I didn't actually need their support to get sober...and to be honest they had no idea of how to support me anyway.

so...if you feel like you have to tell them, then be honest.

But if you think it will worry them you don't have to tell them.

You can find support through many other avenues

D

August252015

This. Or - don't go see them. Right now, it is early days and your sobriety is the single most important thing. I probably wouldn't have put myself in the complicated emotional situation you describe (I can relate to a lot of it) and in fact, at 10 mo sober, did not go to the Christmas plans at our beach house for some specific reasons related to protecting my emotional sobriety first and utmost (keeping that is critical to making sure physical sobriety follows, for me).

Best to you.

FreeOwl

this is a fantastic opportunity.

the angst you're feeling is a form of your inner knowing, trying to call your attention to what needs to happen for YOU.

you asked for advice, so here's a thought that arose for me; print this post out. Share it with them. Tell them you love them and you know they love you. Tell them you don't want them to worry or to be concerned about or to feel anxious about you when you talk about depression. Tell them you see that alcohol is unhelpful to you and isn't aligned with your best interest and your full enjoyment of life. Tell them you've committed to sobriety because you're committed to living as full and abundant and joyful a life as you can.

Tell them about your plans for coping. Tell them that exercise and sober meetups and maybe a retreat are all important pieces of how you plan on embracing sobriety. Tell them you're OK, and you're doing all of this because you want to be more than OK..... you want to live your life with richness and gratitude.

Your parents love you. They want the best for you. I'm a parent - I know what I'm talking about.

Be authentic with them and even if they don't completely understand, they will at least be aware. And you'll have been honest and it will be an incredible strength for you to have done so.

Grymt

Kelly, wonderful idea. You will not regret the 10 day sit. Keep up with the meditation. Check out dhamma.org for nz centres and for mini anapanas you can do at home. I'm sitting again in a couple of weeks. I don't know about over there but booking ahead seems to be important these days. When I sat courses at dhamma bhumi in the blue mountains, nsw, there were always a lot of teachers sitting. Good luck.

ps. after I sat my first courses my mum became interested and ended up sitting too. I didn't have to persuade her. Did her a lot of good too.

Mizzuno

Is it imperative that you see them right now? Aside from feeling guilt and any guilt they may push your way, why put yourself in a very anxious situation?

Whatever you decide I know you can get through it alcohol free.

MarkTwain

Kelly, your clarity about your relationship with your parents simply astonishes me. You are insightful and wise beyond your years. My heart goes out to you.

Your understanding about the relationship is a good thing for your recovery from alcohol; account for it, take it into consideration.

Only you can tell if the stress of two weeks with them, added to the stress of two weeks of unstructured free time (holiday as you say in New Zealand!), will be too much for someone thirty days without a drink.

Thirty days is a fragile time usually. You may want to spend the next two weeks nurturing yourself in quiet, uneventful ways.

Big question: are you hanging out with people who know how to stay away from a drink? Do you have a community of people who don't drink you can stay in touch with over the next couple of weeks?

As far as being honest with your parents.....you've barely started a life without alcohol. Be as honest as you feel you can be, but, seriously now, really? There is plenty of time ahead to tell them more and more about yourself....plenty of time.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Anna

Kelly, I hope you can stop allowing your parents to make you feel 'less than'. That is not good for you as a person and especially as a person in recovery. I did not tell my parents what was going on with me because I was very low and I knew that I could not deal with their judgement at that time. I distanced myself emotionally and it saved the day. I learned that I was stronger than I ever believed and I learned for certain that my parents were wrong to make me feel 'less than'.

MarkTwain

What a beautiful thing to read. Thank you.

PurpleKnight

Day 30 is fantastic Kelly!!