Late night conversation with my youngest dtr 2nite
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Late night conversation with my youngest dtr 2nite
I just want to say that I learned a lot from this forum. Mostly what I learned is that I cannot blame my actions on someone else, that I need to take responsibility for myself.
My youngest daughter and I have had a strained relationship for years. She called me tonight, really for no reason, she just wanted to talk to me. We were having a pleasant conversation, then she wanted to talk about the past. Then she said she didn't want to talk about the past, she just wanted to embrace what we had now, and let the past go.
I told her that I can understand that and that I respect that, but if at anytime she wanted to talk about the past, I was willing to do that.
She then hesitantly started to open up to me about the things that were bothering her. I told her that probably for a long time I was looking to put the blame of my actions onto someone else, (her father), I didn't mention her father, I told her that I have learned a lot over the years and that I am accountable for my own actions, that I own them and that I am sorry for that. I told her that I grew up a lot in the last few years, and that I know that I wasn't the mother she needed or deserved at the time, that I was locked into my own self pitying, that I know now that it was selfish, it was just that at the time I didn't know how to handle things. I told her how I regretted all the lost years we had , because I couldn't pull myself together, and that I realize now that she needed a mother that could be there for her, and I just wasn't.
She was only about 8 when things started to get really crazy. She asked me one question that I didn't know how to answer without bringing her father into it. She asked why after I went through my cancer treatment, why I wasn't just happy to be alive. She was 13 at the time. I really didn't know what to say. I told her the truth. I told her that 3 months after my treatments ended, that her father and I was having a really good conversation, when out of the blue, he said to me, I see that you are stronger now, you are back to you're old b!tchy self. I was just floored with that. After that, the relationship just went back to where it was pre-cancer, but it got worse. I never used the word "abuse". I apologized for bringing the ex into it, but that I couldn't describe it any other way. I told her that my actions, my words were always my responsibility. She told me that she appreciated me talking about this and for taking responsibility.
She then asked me to talk to her about some of the happy times, so we did. I think all in all, it went pretty well.
She had also called me the night before, and we talked for about 2 hours, she told me that she had always loved me, but there was a few years that she could not talk to me. I told her that I understood that, that I needed time also to grow up. She told me that she missed talking to her mom.
Thank you SR
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
My youngest daughter and I have had a strained relationship for years. She called me tonight, really for no reason, she just wanted to talk to me. We were having a pleasant conversation, then she wanted to talk about the past. Then she said she didn't want to talk about the past, she just wanted to embrace what we had now, and let the past go.
I told her that I can understand that and that I respect that, but if at anytime she wanted to talk about the past, I was willing to do that.
She then hesitantly started to open up to me about the things that were bothering her. I told her that probably for a long time I was looking to put the blame of my actions onto someone else, (her father), I didn't mention her father, I told her that I have learned a lot over the years and that I am accountable for my own actions, that I own them and that I am sorry for that. I told her that I grew up a lot in the last few years, and that I know that I wasn't the mother she needed or deserved at the time, that I was locked into my own self pitying, that I know now that it was selfish, it was just that at the time I didn't know how to handle things. I told her how I regretted all the lost years we had , because I couldn't pull myself together, and that I realize now that she needed a mother that could be there for her, and I just wasn't.
She was only about 8 when things started to get really crazy. She asked me one question that I didn't know how to answer without bringing her father into it. She asked why after I went through my cancer treatment, why I wasn't just happy to be alive. She was 13 at the time. I really didn't know what to say. I told her the truth. I told her that 3 months after my treatments ended, that her father and I was having a really good conversation, when out of the blue, he said to me, I see that you are stronger now, you are back to you're old b!tchy self. I was just floored with that. After that, the relationship just went back to where it was pre-cancer, but it got worse. I never used the word "abuse". I apologized for bringing the ex into it, but that I couldn't describe it any other way. I told her that my actions, my words were always my responsibility. She told me that she appreciated me talking about this and for taking responsibility.
She then asked me to talk to her about some of the happy times, so we did. I think all in all, it went pretty well.
She had also called me the night before, and we talked for about 2 hours, she told me that she had always loved me, but there was a few years that she could not talk to me. I told her that I understood that, that I needed time also to grow up. She told me that she missed talking to her mom.
Thank you SR
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thanks again SR,
I really have to say this, if it wasn't for this group, I would probably still be self-centered and trying to have everyone else believe that I was abused, and that wasn't my fault, it was all my ex's fault. I'm in no way contradicting here that it isn't your fault if you are abused. It was the way that I dealt with things that was my fault.
For all these years I was looking at the abuse from my point of view or my perception, I wasn't seeing it through the eyes of my children.
I had no coping skills to deal with what I was going through, I leaned on the only thing that I knew. It was drinking. There were so many times that I didn't want the kids to know that we were fighting, that I hid myself away in the garage and just drank. I also slept in the car in the garage because I didn't want it to get loud in the house.
It was cathartic for me last night to finally open up my eyes to see how my children saw me at that time. They needed a mother, and I was hiding in the garage, drinking. I was in the house a lot but only when my ex wasn't home. I would talk to my kids, and their friends and we would have a lot of good times, but it seemed the moment my ex came home, I just went quiet, and retreated to my safety place. I never consider till recently how this affected them.
My daughter also told me last night that sometimes she gets so angry that she just wants to call me up and scream at me. I told her that I wish that she would, and we can talk about things, that I do want to know how she felt then and feels now. She thanked me for that. I told her that I wasn't strong then, but I am strong now, and that I am there for her.
So, my DD and DS are both buying a house in Maryland this month. One in Baltimore, one in Frederick. They are both extending multiple invitations for me to visit them and for my expertise on doing household repairs. It really feels good.
For anyone who knows about my oldest DD, the drama queen, well, I'm still on "vacation", from that one.
Thanks again SR, you really did help me to heal a lot.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
I really have to say this, if it wasn't for this group, I would probably still be self-centered and trying to have everyone else believe that I was abused, and that wasn't my fault, it was all my ex's fault. I'm in no way contradicting here that it isn't your fault if you are abused. It was the way that I dealt with things that was my fault.
For all these years I was looking at the abuse from my point of view or my perception, I wasn't seeing it through the eyes of my children.
I had no coping skills to deal with what I was going through, I leaned on the only thing that I knew. It was drinking. There were so many times that I didn't want the kids to know that we were fighting, that I hid myself away in the garage and just drank. I also slept in the car in the garage because I didn't want it to get loud in the house.
It was cathartic for me last night to finally open up my eyes to see how my children saw me at that time. They needed a mother, and I was hiding in the garage, drinking. I was in the house a lot but only when my ex wasn't home. I would talk to my kids, and their friends and we would have a lot of good times, but it seemed the moment my ex came home, I just went quiet, and retreated to my safety place. I never consider till recently how this affected them.
My daughter also told me last night that sometimes she gets so angry that she just wants to call me up and scream at me. I told her that I wish that she would, and we can talk about things, that I do want to know how she felt then and feels now. She thanked me for that. I told her that I wasn't strong then, but I am strong now, and that I am there for her.
So, my DD and DS are both buying a house in Maryland this month. One in Baltimore, one in Frederick. They are both extending multiple invitations for me to visit them and for my expertise on doing household repairs. It really feels good.
For anyone who knows about my oldest DD, the drama queen, well, I'm still on "vacation", from that one.
Thanks again SR, you really did help me to heal a lot.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Amy, thanks for sharing this. I hope that it's seen by members who are worried about their children "hating" them for "tearing the family apart." Even though I don't think I've ever posted with direct questions about or discussion of my relationship w/my own mother, I have learned a LOT at SR and it has changed things so much for me. Actually, it has changed a lot about my relationships w/ALL of my family members, and I'm very grateful for that.
Again, I'm so happy that you had this talk and that the door to further communication has been opened. I wish you both continued growth, love, patience, and understanding!
Again, I'm so happy that you had this talk and that the door to further communication has been opened. I wish you both continued growth, love, patience, and understanding!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
