How do you detach and maintain a marriage?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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How do you detach and maintain a marriage?
I believe I get what detaching is and why it's important, but man is it hard when your own life circumstances depend on someone else's choices. He had a 2 week relapse on crack after 8 years and has now been clean again for 4 weeks. I'm proud of him for that, though it concerns me that he doesn't seem to be working any kind of program. I don't mention that to him. His recovery is on him, not on me. I don't think that I display a lot of codependent/enabling characteristics, but to be fair I only had 2 weeks of this to screw me up. I don't check up on him or go through his phone or anything like that.
We do talk a lot about our feelings some days and other days just relax around each other. No, that's a lie. I mostly fake relaxing more than I actually relax. I have a constant low-grade anxiety. It's not just about him relapsing, it's about everything that goes with that. Yes, I could survive without him and I know that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I would get through it. That is still quite a pain to have hovering in the air like a dark cloud on the horizon. I'm pretty sure that I'd lose my house as that would be challenging to afford on my own. My kids have been really happy with where we live and with him as a stepdad, so they would be hurt emotionally and lower their standard of living.
This is awfulizing or something, right? I'm supposed to do one day at a time, right? I think this is so challenging for me because I was a single mom for a decade and even when it was hard, I handled it. I had it under control because I had to. I had to make the money, budget everything, and be in control and responsible because they had no one else to do it for them. It was scary for me to mingle my life with my husband because I was trusting someone else to be a part of my and my kids' stability. Whew. If this doesn't work out, I may never be able to do that again.
Maybe I'm a control freak? How do you truly detach when that person's actions affect the very bedrock of your life?
We do talk a lot about our feelings some days and other days just relax around each other. No, that's a lie. I mostly fake relaxing more than I actually relax. I have a constant low-grade anxiety. It's not just about him relapsing, it's about everything that goes with that. Yes, I could survive without him and I know that no matter how horrible the heartbreak, I would get through it. That is still quite a pain to have hovering in the air like a dark cloud on the horizon. I'm pretty sure that I'd lose my house as that would be challenging to afford on my own. My kids have been really happy with where we live and with him as a stepdad, so they would be hurt emotionally and lower their standard of living.
This is awfulizing or something, right? I'm supposed to do one day at a time, right? I think this is so challenging for me because I was a single mom for a decade and even when it was hard, I handled it. I had it under control because I had to. I had to make the money, budget everything, and be in control and responsible because they had no one else to do it for them. It was scary for me to mingle my life with my husband because I was trusting someone else to be a part of my and my kids' stability. Whew. If this doesn't work out, I may never be able to do that again.
Maybe I'm a control freak? How do you truly detach when that person's actions affect the very bedrock of your life?
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
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Just wanted to peak in and say I totally get this. I struggle with this all the time, sometimes more than others. Right now is hard, but I was honest with my AH over the last couple of years (ugh that's disgusting to think about) since he started trying to get sober - I've told him I don't know how many starts and stops I have in me and that I feel like everytime I have to "check out" it pushes us farther apart.
It just plain sucks, and I wish it was easier.
It just plain sucks, and I wish it was easier.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Wheresmyunicorn 
Just wanted to peak in and say I totally get this. I struggle with this all the time, sometimes more than others. Right now is hard, but I was honest with my AH over the last couple of years (ugh that's disgusting to think about) since he started trying to get sober - I've told him I don't know how many starts and stops I have in me and that I feel like everytime I have to "check out" it pushes us farther apart.
It just plain sucks, and I wish it was easier.
It just plain sucks, and I wish it was easier.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
even tho it is unpleasant to think about, developing a plan B can really help ease the stress. plus you get to feel like you are doing something positive and proactive. and it's a good exercise for our financial well being.
so you fire up Excel and start building a budget. or dust one off. update all the figures, list all the bills, estimate recurring needs like food, gas, soccer fees, etc. it's the only way to truly know what is needed to make ends meet.
can any of those expenses be reduced? do we need the 1000 megagig phone plan? do we need every channel broadcast on the planet? are we shopping wisely? do we plan menus and shop for the week ahead? is our credit under control?
is refinancing an option? if it comes to pass that you two split, you need to get him off the mortgage and refinance is one way to do it. would you gain at least a full 1% on the rate?
i could go on....this can become quite the adventure!
so you fire up Excel and start building a budget. or dust one off. update all the figures, list all the bills, estimate recurring needs like food, gas, soccer fees, etc. it's the only way to truly know what is needed to make ends meet.
can any of those expenses be reduced? do we need the 1000 megagig phone plan? do we need every channel broadcast on the planet? are we shopping wisely? do we plan menus and shop for the week ahead? is our credit under control?
is refinancing an option? if it comes to pass that you two split, you need to get him off the mortgage and refinance is one way to do it. would you gain at least a full 1% on the rate?
i could go on....this can become quite the adventure!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Deelilah.....Maybe, it would help to know the "odds".
Odds are, that it won't last the lifetime that you want, if he isn't in some kind of program and working it diligently as a priority.....like, become a part of his lifestyle....
Doesn't mean that you have to push him there, and monitor him, etc...
But you will KNOW what you have to do and plan on...you will have that knowledge....
Then, you can proceed with what Anvill suggests...whether you stay or have to go....
Living, waiting for the next shoe to drop is no way to live, in my opinion.....
By the way...I think that the quality of living is more important that the standard of living......
Odds are, that it won't last the lifetime that you want, if he isn't in some kind of program and working it diligently as a priority.....like, become a part of his lifestyle....
Doesn't mean that you have to push him there, and monitor him, etc...
But you will KNOW what you have to do and plan on...you will have that knowledge....
Then, you can proceed with what Anvill suggests...whether you stay or have to go....
Living, waiting for the next shoe to drop is no way to live, in my opinion.....
By the way...I think that the quality of living is more important that the standard of living......
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Anvil too, having a Plan B in place will help you relax.
Also, now is the time to protect your accounts and your credit...put your money and cards in your name, and he can have his own without your name attached to it.
After 8 years of sobriety, he knows it's the better choice and I hope this was just one slip and not the beginning of more to come.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Hugs
Also, now is the time to protect your accounts and your credit...put your money and cards in your name, and he can have his own without your name attached to it.
After 8 years of sobriety, he knows it's the better choice and I hope this was just one slip and not the beginning of more to come.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
even tho it is unpleasant to think about, developing a plan B can really help ease the stress. plus you get to feel like you are doing something positive and proactive. and it's a good exercise for our financial well being.
so you fire up Excel and start building a budget. or dust one off. update all the figures, list all the bills, estimate recurring needs like food, gas, soccer fees, etc. it's the only way to truly know what is needed to make ends meet.
can any of those expenses be reduced? do we need the 1000 megagig phone plan? do we need every channel broadcast on the planet? are we shopping wisely? do we plan menus and shop for the week ahead? is our credit under control?
is refinancing an option? if it comes to pass that you two split, you need to get him off the mortgage and refinance is one way to do it. would you gain at least a full 1% on the rate?
i could go on....this can become quite the adventure!
so you fire up Excel and start building a budget. or dust one off. update all the figures, list all the bills, estimate recurring needs like food, gas, soccer fees, etc. it's the only way to truly know what is needed to make ends meet.
can any of those expenses be reduced? do we need the 1000 megagig phone plan? do we need every channel broadcast on the planet? are we shopping wisely? do we plan menus and shop for the week ahead? is our credit under control?
is refinancing an option? if it comes to pass that you two split, you need to get him off the mortgage and refinance is one way to do it. would you gain at least a full 1% on the rate?
i could go on....this can become quite the adventure!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Ann
I agree with Anvil too, having a Plan B in place will help you relax.
Also, now is the time to protect your accounts and your credit...put your money and cards in your name, and he can have his own without your name attached to it.
After 8 years of sobriety, he knows it's the better choice and I hope this was just one slip and not the beginning of more to come.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Hugs
Also, now is the time to protect your accounts and your credit...put your money and cards in your name, and he can have his own without your name attached to it.
After 8 years of sobriety, he knows it's the better choice and I hope this was just one slip and not the beginning of more to come.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by dandylion
Deelilah.....Maybe, it would help to know the "odds".
Odds are, that it won't last the lifetime that you want, if he isn't in some kind of program and working it diligently as a priority.....like, become a part of his lifestyle....
Doesn't mean that you have to push him there, and monitor him, etc...
But you will KNOW what you have to do and plan on...you will have that knowledge....
Then, you can proceed with what Anvill suggests...whether you stay or have to go....
Living, waiting for the next shoe to drop is no way to live, in my opinion.....
By the way...I think that the quality of living is more important that the standard of living......
Odds are, that it won't last the lifetime that you want, if he isn't in some kind of program and working it diligently as a priority.....like, become a part of his lifestyle....
Doesn't mean that you have to push him there, and monitor him, etc...
But you will KNOW what you have to do and plan on...you will have that knowledge....
Then, you can proceed with what Anvill suggests...whether you stay or have to go....
Living, waiting for the next shoe to drop is no way to live, in my opinion.....
By the way...I think that the quality of living is more important that the standard of living......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you weren't living in a tent under an overpass, were you?
you make it sound like the difference between a castle and a mud hut!!
remember the saying - home is where the HEART is.
you make it sound like the difference between a castle and a mud hut!!
remember the saying - home is where the HEART is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Deelilah
If I lose it all again, I'll build it back up again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Chino
NOT a boo boo!!! That demonstrates strength, courage, and determination and your kids will always remember that it's possible to overcome life's obstacles
I'll re-read your post a bunch if Plan B becomes a reality, though. Thank you for that!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
on Monday my 34 yr old daughter and I went to the Home Opener for the Mariners, something we do every year. along with the Mom's Day game, if they are playing at home.
my daughter had just gone to the first weekend of the horse races at Emerald Downs.....on our drive to the game she "reminded" me of the time when she was 12 and we were at the track as a family and she wanted to place a bet on a horse that had the same name as her best friend's CAT. i said no. because the betting windows were CLOSED for that race, it was too close to post time.
all SHE knew at 12 was that mom had said NO. and she remembers this "offense" of mine, on the LIST of offenses she has against me 22 years later.
she doesn't HATE me for it. but she remembers. as she remembers when we sold the house with the POOL. she doesn't HATE me as a mother....she loves and respects me today.....but lord does she recall my transgressions!
my daughter had just gone to the first weekend of the horse races at Emerald Downs.....on our drive to the game she "reminded" me of the time when she was 12 and we were at the track as a family and she wanted to place a bet on a horse that had the same name as her best friend's CAT. i said no. because the betting windows were CLOSED for that race, it was too close to post time.
all SHE knew at 12 was that mom had said NO. and she remembers this "offense" of mine, on the LIST of offenses she has against me 22 years later.
she doesn't HATE me for it. but she remembers. as she remembers when we sold the house with the POOL. she doesn't HATE me as a mother....she loves and respects me today.....but lord does she recall my transgressions!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
on Monday my 34 yr old daughter and I went to the Home Opener for the Mariners, something we do every year. along with the Mom's Day game, if they are playing at home.
my daughter had just gone to the first weekend of the horse races at Emerald Downs.....on our drive to the game she "reminded" me of the time when she was 12 and we were at the track as a family and she wanted to place a bet on a horse that had the same name as her best friend's CAT. i said no. because the betting windows were CLOSED for that race, it was too close to post time.
all SHE knew at 12 was that mom had said NO. and she remembers this "offense" of mine, on the LIST of offenses she has against me 22 years later.
she doesn't HATE me for it. but she remembers. as she remembers when we sold the house with the POOL. she doesn't HATE me as a mother....she loves and respects me today.....but lord does she recall my transgressions!
my daughter had just gone to the first weekend of the horse races at Emerald Downs.....on our drive to the game she "reminded" me of the time when she was 12 and we were at the track as a family and she wanted to place a bet on a horse that had the same name as her best friend's CAT. i said no. because the betting windows were CLOSED for that race, it was too close to post time.
all SHE knew at 12 was that mom had said NO. and she remembers this "offense" of mine, on the LIST of offenses she has against me 22 years later.
she doesn't HATE me for it. but she remembers. as she remembers when we sold the house with the POOL. she doesn't HATE me as a mother....she loves and respects me today.....but lord does she recall my transgressions!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Hello Deelilah
Your story starts as mine when I was married to my 'problem drinker'. Life became molded around us as a family. I eventually went to Alanon, to gain my own perspective and learn how to manage my life. I realized that I was preparing for the day when we were no longer together. It was sad but I had two children that are so much more important than any other living person. It took years but I made it. The stresses in my life switched but definitely saved me. I no longer worked around him. He didn't command my constant devotion. I lightened the load that I carried around. It was exhausting.
I came here years ago, because I had to learn about addiction and how to free myself from a man who was using heroin. The sanity I gained, saved me again.
Do not spend too much time being afraid to make a new start. The wasted energy is daunting. It steals time and love from your child/children. From your today and your tomorrows. Their tomorrows.
Older and hopefully wiser ... I will remind myself, that there is no one like our parents or our children. They make this life of ours soooo worth it. I wish you peace and strength as you walk this path. You will survive. Show your children how it's done. Hugs to you, Joie
Your story starts as mine when I was married to my 'problem drinker'. Life became molded around us as a family. I eventually went to Alanon, to gain my own perspective and learn how to manage my life. I realized that I was preparing for the day when we were no longer together. It was sad but I had two children that are so much more important than any other living person. It took years but I made it. The stresses in my life switched but definitely saved me. I no longer worked around him. He didn't command my constant devotion. I lightened the load that I carried around. It was exhausting.
I came here years ago, because I had to learn about addiction and how to free myself from a man who was using heroin. The sanity I gained, saved me again.
Do not spend too much time being afraid to make a new start. The wasted energy is daunting. It steals time and love from your child/children. From your today and your tomorrows. Their tomorrows.
Older and hopefully wiser ... I will remind myself, that there is no one like our parents or our children. They make this life of ours soooo worth it. I wish you peace and strength as you walk this path. You will survive. Show your children how it's done. Hugs to you, Joie
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