quercusalba

I wear myself out. I drank last night, putting myself back at day one for the second time this month. Hopefully there won't be a third time. I hate myself for relapsing - I feel like such an incredible failure. However, I've been reading so much good stuff from you all here that I feel more sure now than I've ever felt that I will beat this demon Alcohol. I can't understand why I can feel so good for a few weeks, knowing I feel that way because I am not drinking, then go ahead and convince myself that it's ok "one last time." I KNOW that it's not ok!! I CANNOT DRINK. Someone in here recently said that I need to surrender myself to a higher power - I guess I really haven't done that yet. I am ready to do so now. I can't stand what I am doing to myself - and to my relationship. I hate the hiding and deception because that is NOT who I am, and that is not what he deserves. He deserves the sober me. I have to get to a meeting, get a sponsor, and give in - this is not something that I can do alone. Thanks to all of you for listening, and for all of your sharing and your wisdom.

One more thing - I am scared of the possibility of withdrawal. I have actually cut way down on my drinking - down to once or twice a week - but is it still possible to have terrible withdrawal symptoms?

I'm so tired of this stupid, horrible disease. So tired.

thanxNA_f_ny

quercusalba....

It sounds like you have not fully surrendered. I relapsed after having 14 months clean...however i didnt have a sponsor or a support group to help me when i needed help. Do you have a sponsor and a support group?

Christine

quercusalba

You're right... I haven't completely surrendered. I think that is one of the keys to my failure. It's so hard to "let go" entirely... it's scary. But what I'm doing to my body and my mind is scarier, so I have to surrender. I have to. I know that. It's going to be hard for me, but it has to be done.

I don't have a sponsor yet... I've only been to three AA meetings so far and I haven't met anyone who I feel comfortable asking to be my sponsor. I just moved two weeks ago and am getting settled into a new house, so I have been very busy... which isn't a good excuse, I know. I desperately need support right now.

In memory of miracle

I am sorry you are struggling right now .I too grappled with the guilt and remorse of relapse many times . I am here to tell you it was a waste of precious time.Today is a new day and you are here to try again,we cant bring back yesterday no matter how much we want to .I had to surrender to win and pick up the phone instead of picking up a drink . You dont haveto do this alone,a day at a time WE do recover.My heart and my prayers go out to you.Keep the faith . Trish

3legacy

(((((Quercusalba)))))))
Sounds like a wonderful surrender!

NO MORE beating yourself up or :Flush: !

I've got some time to chat live if your available?

Three Legs
:tri

DesertEyes

Hi there Q, and congratulations on not giving up on sobriety :-)

The reason why is because it's a _disease_. If you shape a chemical called "lead" into a bullet and fire it into your brain you will die. The lead will affect your brain in way that you cannot control. Alchohol is no different, it affects your brain in ways you cannont control.

Wow! Well no wonder you can't stay sober. Here's what you can do.

You don't drink at meetings, so stay at a meeting as long as you can. Get there early and help set up. Stay late and help clean up.

The danger time is _between_ meetings, so get to another meeting as soon as you can. Some places have meetings three times a day. So go three times a day.

When you go to a meeting tonite, get the phone number list from the "secretary" of the meeting. When you get home from the meeting, and during the time before the next meeting, call the people on the list. That's _why_ they put their numbers on the list, so that new people like you can call them. Start at the top of the list and call them and ask them how _they_ are doing. When you get to the bottom of the list start at the top again. Keep doing that until the next meeting.

When you go to a meeting tonite, ask the "secretary" of the meeting to introduce you to somebody who can be your _temporary sponsor_ for the next few weeks until you get settled.

We're all praying for you Q

Mike :-)

thanxNA_f_ny

Hi Mike...................Great suggestion, I think this is the most important suggestion anyone can take, I know I couldnt stay sober or clean by THINKING i could do this ALONE! I mean...MY BEST THINKING landed me a seat in the rooms!!!!! I had to ask for help. I had to pick up the phone. And even though it was hard to pick up the phone and it scared me to let people in my life , its was such a wonderful feeling when i did do it. Now its a no brainer to pick up the phone...to talk about the good, the bad, my feelings, or just to say hi....i wouldnt have it any other way.....its so simple, but we as addicts make everything so difficult!!! Please take mikes suggestion..... I am greatful to my higher power and the rooms of NA for another day clean!


Christine

LOST ANGEL

Mike, I'am also new and keep relapsing, and what you said was so awesome. I actually have a sponsor but wont call her because I'm aftraid it might me a bad time for her or whatever, plus she's always at work I feel I cant call her there. I did get one of those list from a womans meeting that I went to but havent used it of fear of letting people into my life, just like Christine mentioned. Its really hard for me to ask for help because "I'm such a strong person". Someone said this to me from a meeting that "Tina, I dont think your done" I of course asked why do you say that and she said "because your not asking for help" WOW