loonie2427

Hi all, first time poster but decently long reader!

My AH has seemingly finally come out of the denial fog, but so far actions don't seem to be entirely matching words.

"I need to quit, I need your support, I know you're hurting and that I'm the cause so I need to quit."
And yet...
Continues to drink at least the normal for him pint of whisky a day. Says he can't quit cold turkey (I get it, and I'd prefer for him to not have a withdrawal seizure either).

Went to a few AA mtgs, but says it'd be too much time away from the family (despite him acknowledging I told him it's more beneficial for him to get better than to be home for bedtime).

Reading up on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to use that to lead more mindful life and find meaning beyond the alcohol.

I guess just looking for the thoughts of other who have been in the trenches. Thanks in advance!

LexieCat

How much time has his DRINKING taken away from the family?

I don't know that I'd consider it quacking, necessarily. I think of "quacking" more as sheer nonsense coming out of an alcoholic's mouth.

Most alcoholics do not go directly from "I'm ready to admit I've got a problem" to "I'm going to AA and never drinking again." It took me four years to convince myself that nothing short of that was going to work. And I wasn't living with anyone for most of that time--I was fooling myself, not quacking.

It takes some people even longer than it took me; it takes others less. And some, of course, never actually launch--they stay in that, "Yeah, got a bit of a problem with the booze, but it's OK, I'm in control of it for the most part."

In short, I think where he's at right now is pretty typical, even for people who are serious about realizing they have a problem. Seems a little bit harsh to consider that a quack.

ETA: Welcome! Glad you're here.

Maudcat

Hi, loonie. Welcome. No advice.
Just welcome.

maia1234

Hi Looney,
Welcome and glad you came out of the "closet". I get what you are saying with the "quacking". To you this is a bunch of shxt. Same story, different day.

Good for you trying "acceptance" , it is truly the next step for an enabler. We always hope by us learning how to step away that things will get better. Things quiet down in the house, but things don't ever get better when you have active addiction in your home. For the addict, alcoholism is progressive, it will only get worse.

What are you doing for you? Alanon meetings, open aa meetings, therapist or counselor reading all over the SR forum? I thing you need to step back from dealing with him and start taking care of you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Its something to think about.

LadyinBC

Honestly it sounds to me like he isn't really ready to quit yet. I use to come up with all kinds of excuses. And can't quit cold turkey was one of them. Making up excuses not to go to meetings, had lots of them.

I quit drinking when I finally got to the point of wanting to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk. He doesn't sound like he is at this point yet.

Tjunction

Hi Loonie2427

My experience has been that actions don't match words for a reason even if it's a seemingly at the time minor reason. I realized later that for my own situation it was a continual red flag that I kept downplaying in the hopes I was reading to much in to things. I wasn't as I later learnt. We both remained in the same patterns and I wish I had made my own needs and wants more of a requirement than a request. Yes we would have broken up quicker which I feared but that also meant I could have started working on myself instead trying to fix other things I couldn't.

Forward12

I think most go through the "alcoholic purgatory" phase where they may finally admit they have a problem, but on the other hand will keep right on drinking the same as when they were in denial.
It sounds like he has no plan to stop and is just making up excuses. If he was set on getting sober, he would contact your doc to get into detox if he was worried about withdrawal, and AA would not be an issue at all.

FeelingGreat

Hi loony, concentrate on the actions, not the words. Try to decide how much of your life you want to devote to waiting for him to recover.

He can seek recovery any time he wants, but there's no guarantee it's going to suit your time frame.

loonie2427

Thanks, everyone. I hope I didn't offend anyone when asking if this is quacking. I should have said what Maia said-same shxt different day.

It's good to hear that my intuition isn't off and that I should be looking at actions rather than words. I keep hearing "just because my plan doesn't match your plan it doesn't mean I'm not serious"... but his plan has never seemed like a plan at all.

I've been reading the boards here and going to my first meeting today- it's been hard to find one because of work and the kids-don't trust leaving them in the evening with Dad since the meetings are all around bedtime, and he's several hours in by that time. I have lots of alcoholism in my family (grandparents, brother) so I've been aware of not enabling for a while. And maybe I'm naive, but I haven't been too dependent or focused on him other than to gauge his sincerity about recovery to help me make decisions for me and the kids. I know it's all in his court and that I don't need to make a decision NOW, but I am rapidly reaching the end of my rope and I'm not sure how much longer I want to stick around. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.

PS-alcoholic purgatory is exactly what it is! That should become a trademarked term!!

loonie2427

Ok, just read the sticky about the different types of enablers. So I am enabling because I provoke by not engaging (which pisses him off).

Question for folks with young kids who you are trying to protect: how on earth do you not enable your A while maintaining life as normal as possible for your kids?

firebolt

Quacking isn't offensive to us, we have pages and pages of threads of them...ones we've heard, and ones WE'VE said!

Listen to your gut, you are living your life, you know what's best for it!

Welcome!

LexieCat

That's not enabling. Not engaging in pointless arguments or discussions is good sense--we call it healthy detachment around here. If he feels "provoked" by your not responding to his pronouncements about his intentions, that's pretty much HIS problem, not yours.

Enabling really is about making it comfortable for someone to continue drinking--protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions, drinking with them, excusing their behavior, making excuses FOR them to others (calling in "sick" for them when hungover, for instance).

loonie2427

I thought that, but one of the stickies confused me by saying that provoking (either by raging at or withdrawing from) is a type of enabling because it gives the A a reason to drink. I don't withdraw in a "look at me, im withdrawing because you're drinking" kind of way (not that I blame anyone for doing that, and I'm sure I did that before I knew it'd have a bad reaction). I don't place myself in situations where I know the outcome is not in my favor. I'm glad to hear that maybe I'm not crazy or enabling, at least in that way. 😀 I know there are many other areas for improvement in my life-just happy to not necessarily have to add another to the list!

LexieCat

I think what the sticky was referring to was the "silent treatment" where you refuse to talk at all, just to "punish" the alcoholic.

Not engaging in arguments is a whole different thing. You can acknowledge someone by saying stuff like "Oh, really?" "Hmmm" "OK" or "I see." None of those implies agreement or disagreement--it's just a refusal to engage. If you need to walk away, just say you're not in a position to discuss it.

hopeful4

Well, the drinking will likely ruin his family so....

I will always say....it's actions, not words. Acceptance is the first step, and he is not there.

I'm sorry.

stjacques

My ABH used that same excuse about not being able to go cold turkey for fear of delirium tremens. He would get shakey and nauseated if he went longer than 24 hrs without a drink, so he milked the DTs excuse for all it was worth for years. It was just quacking. He went cold turkey once without medical assistance. No DTs that time. Then he relapsed, and the second time he went cold turkey, it was with medical detox at a rehab facility. No DTs that time either. If he really feels that scared about DTs, medical detox is always an option.

FeelingGreat

When I was drinking I was very resourceful in finding reasons to drink all by myself. Usually because it was evening.

abbccj03

Hi loonie- glad you found SR. I am currently separated from my AH. I was an enabler for nearly 14 yrs. I have 4 children- the youngest are 7 and 10. AH has been out of our home for nearly 3 weeks. Although he has never admitted to being an alcoholic- he knows alcohol is why he had to leave. He was becoming more emotionally and physically abusive over time. I always thought of abuse as punching, bloody faces, choking, etc. My AH would grab arms, squeeze, push, and raise a fist in anger but never follow through with an actual punch. When I finally accepted what he was (an abusive man AND alcoholic) I made the decision that I had to put me and kids first. He is also emotionally abusive. I don't know what our future will hold, but I know our home is amazingly peaceful now that he is out of the home. We are getting counseling (me and kids). I have not found an Al-anon group yet, but that's on my to do list. I cannot fix, change, help, or make my AH admit what he is or get help. This is all on him now. Just keep reading and posting here bc so many on here have succeeded in their own recovery or left an AH and started a new life. Good luck to you and your children.