shiftinglife

My husband of 25 years entered a detox and then in patient rehab about 10 weeks ago. He has been in active addiction for about 12 years and the past 5 have been really difficult. He has certainly had peaks and valleys in his addiction and managed to stop drinking completely for a few months at a time. This allowed me just enough normalcy to keep trying.


However, the past few years have worn me down, we are facing significant financial issues due to his drinking, in addition to severe health issues for him. His treatment of our children has become increasingly emotionally aggressive and neglectful. The children ages 12,17 and 24 currently want no contact with their father. His treatment of me was emotionally aggressive, full of lies and manipulations.

He chose to enter rehab because I told him I was leaving. When he was gone, my children and I entered counseling and began to experience some peace and stability. I felt like I could breathe again.

He has been back for about 3 weeks. I requested that he not return to our home and he made arrangements to stay at a Sober Living House. This is apparently to uncomfortable and he has now checked into a hotel. I have not filed any legal papers yet, as I thought I should let him settle first. He has requested that I attend counseling with him. I agreed but made it clear that my goal was to ease our separation and get help so we can co parent when he is firmer in his recovery.

He wants very much to save the marriage and be one big happy family. I know that that is not the right decision for me or my children. I feel a need to build a stable life for myself and my kids that is not dependent on him in anyway. I do not want to be part of the one day at a time, recovery life he will need to lead for a long time. There is so much water under the bridge for us that I do not feel I could ever trust or respect him again. I deserve better and frankly if he gets well so does he. He deserves someone that will see him as he is and not as he was. I just do not think that person could ever be me.

I feel terribly guilty, that I am not willing to be his partner anymore after he has finally made an actual effort towards recovery, but I just do not have anything left to take another chance on him. I am struggling with these feelings.

Smarie78

I will let the myriad of others who have actually done this successfully and have much more experience under their belt, respond with the right things to say. But I just want you to know your pain and exhaustion resonate with me and all others who have been there in some way, with a partner that slowly sucks the life out of you with their addiction. I have only been through the cycle for two years with my Alcoholic partner. On one hand it's hard to imagine anyone can go longer than I have (2 years of this has felt like 50!) because in my mind it seems unfathomable to keep going through it even once more versus 23 years more. I guess it puts into perspective how much we hang on and for how long when we are barely hanging on as it is.
I'm not married to my alcoholic mate and we have only been together 2 years so you might think my decision is a no-brainer (especially given a host other reasons that aside from alcohol most women would leave because of), but I can tell you, as many people at SR have told me, the alcoholic will continue to take you down with them. the only way they might not is if they have proven a sustained period of sobriety, working the program or some other treatment vigorously and tirelessly, and even then there is just a drink away from a relapse no matter if sober for 1 year of 30 years. In other words, you get to a point where you ask yourself "can I accept today as the rest of my life?". Its all you know. Sure it's great he went for help but getting a hotel because SL made him uncomfortable tells me he may not be ready to truly commit to recovery, and even then....it sounds it is too little too late. And no not because you feel you are punishing him, but because your mind body and spirit are actually telling you, it is too late. You literally can't do it anymore. Any longer and you may lose your own self.
I know for me that moment is coming. I see it in my behaviors that my body is too tired to keep going into the ring for another round. I'm flailing. I'm weary, but more than anything I'm full of guilt for it which you are struggling with and will do so on a much grander scale. These good people here will tell you that there is a way to move past that for the sake of your own self. Guilt isn't real when you have done your best (though I know this I still struggle so do as I say not as I do!)

As someone here at SR once told me, God didn't give you life to donate to another. Someday I hope to be strong enough to take those words and act. I hope you can today.

Smarie78

Sorry....just to clarify I'm not saying bc he's at a hotel now and not SL he's not committed, but I think someone who leaves a treatment and goes through the steps of making actual SL arrangements then cancels, and goes to hotel due to comfort, is likely still in denial of the problem and not quite ready to get sober.
My partner always wants to "plug back in" to a one big happy couple mentality after each relapse, but it doesn't work for us does it. We actually, I believe, can become traumatized and become unable to "start fresh" living through it any longer because the pain becomes too great. We lose trust, respect, faith, all of it. So what else is left for the relationship? Those lost feelings that are actually relationship bedrocks end up manifesting into behavior and before you know it you can barely look at your partner, even if you stay.
There's a reason addiction causes the addict to lose everything. And this is why.

LexieCat

You were already planning to leave when he embarked on this undertaking. Go. As planned, as you've told him you were. If he sticks with it, he can have a great new life. He can heal his relationship with the kids and be a responsible parent. Your leaving will NOT jeopardize his recovery. If his only interest in getting sober was to get you to stay it wouldn't last anyway. If he wants sobriety for its own sake, to be the man he can be, your leaving won't derail that.

Seren

Hello shiftinglife, Welcome to this side of the board.

I understand the guilt you are feeling. It's OK to feel guilt, but please don't let it derail you from doing what you know to be in the best interest of you and your children. I hope and pray that your husband will truly seek recovery and go on to be a wonderful father for your children. But right now, it sounds as though he has a lot of work to do.

From what you have said in your other thread in Newcomers, his controlling and self-centered attitude does not bode well for him at this stage. He "gives you permission to feel anger"? He has 'commanded' you to keep an open mind? *Sigh*

You see, to my way of thinking, the hallmarks of true recovery are humility, honesty, and transparency.

You seem to have a great deal of clarity here. I really do wish you, your children, and your husband much peace as you move forward! You will all be in my prayers.

dandylion

If you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong...it is a false guilt....
Taking proper care of your children and yourself is not wrong......

Maudcat

Hi, shifting. My sib didn't like sober living either.
Because he couldn't call the shots and manipulate things his way, as he was used to doing all of his life.
There is nothing in this world tougher than a sober living house manager, bless them.
You sound crystal clear and strong regarding your way forward.
Stay with it. Your guilt feelings are reflexive of your life with your spouse.
They will pass., especially as you gain time out of his orbit.

shiftinglife

Thank you for all your sage advice and allowing me to process 'out loud.' I am having another therapy session with him this week and needed to get some clarity.

abbccj03

Shiftinglife- hey....it stinks to be going thru all of this. I can tell you that the more experienced posters on here know what they are talking about. The information they have provided about their own situations have helped me stay strong. SR is an awesome place for those of us dealing with life with an alcoholic. I agree with the others. He has to want to get better for his own sake. If he is doing it for you and the kids, he might fall back into the same after he has his life back. I wish you and the kids the best. I know my own household has been so peaceful with AH out of the house. My younger kids miss their dad tons- but the older ones love not having to walk on eggshells. It just sucks when you love someone and they have an addiction.

Westexy

One thing to add to what Lexie said above. The fact that you are divorcing and separating households now, doesn't prevent you from coming together as a family in the future - either married or not married. Nothing is forever. My AH vowed to work on his problem when I left but I felt that I couldn't postpone healthy decision making for my child and me based on his promise, when he had a history of breaking promises and lying. If he gets his stuff together, we can all make changes, but it also might be too late. Our lives are no longer on hold for him.

Sasha1972

I'm not sure what you have to feel guilty about. You didn't cause him to drink, and you aren't doing anything to undermine his recovery. Is it sadness that you feel? The end of a long-term relationship is always sad, even if it's for very good reasons.

It sounds like you've come to the end of the road with this person and now is the time to close it off and move on. I think you probably made your original decision to leave for very good reasons, and those haven't changed just because he went to rehab.

totfit

We only have one life to live, at least of which I am aware. We should do our best to make it a good one and it that small aspect deserve to be a bit selfish. You have no reason to feel guilty. I was in his shoes. While I thought it was the end of the world not to have my daughter with me etc. at that time, the divorce over the long run was the best thing that ever happened to me and likely both of us. Your insight about it might be best for him is a good one. Whether or not he decides to stay sober is entirely up to him also. As far as the "one day at a time recovery type of life" you mention really is not the way it works for all though. In any event, just take care of yourself and children and I wish the best for all.

shiftinglife

Thank you for this. It is exactly what I am feeling.

LadyinBC

Speaking as an alcoholic you shouldn't. We love it when you feel guilty cause it lets us manipulate you. Which it sounds like he is trying to do. Sometimes we want our family to forget what we have done and you know it is not easy to do. And sometimes there is no going back for the other person and the alcoholic will have to live with this because we had choices and made ****** ones and these choices have consequences.

He is only 10 weeks and that really is not that long in recovery. And as someone else pointed out he left the recovery house cause it was to "uncomfortable" which really speaks volumes. Recovery is uncomfortable. I was willing to do anything that was uncomfortable in recovery because I was that desperate to stay sober.

He needs to do this on his own and for himself.

You also need to recover from this and you need to do what is best for YOU and your children. Don't let his recovery interfere in what you need to do for yourself.

This of course is just my thoughts and opinions as an alcoholic looking in.

grayghost1965

He is only 10 weeks and that really is not that long in recovery. And as someone else pointed out he left the recovery house cause it was to "uncomfortable" which really speaks volumes. Recovery is uncomfortable. I was willing to do anything that was uncomfortable in recovery because I was that desperate to stay sober.


I agree with everyone about the "uncomfortable" issue - recovery is not about "comfort" - your partner reminds me a great deal of my soon to be ex son in law. He did the treatments, and gave lip service and recited the Big Book like a good drunk, but never really put any effort into it unless he felt there was some other benefit besides sobriety.

Moving to the hotel is something that the SIL would have done, mostly so he didn't have anyone to be accountable to, and he could drink/drug if he wanted and no one would be the wiser. EXCEPT - in his case, when he drinks and drugs, he becomes Mr. Social and calls everyone in his phone and babbles incoherently about his big plans.

It sounds like you are on the right path - stay strong and stay connected !

Tjunction

Hi shifting

I have put myself in your shoes for a moment and think to myself how could not feel how you do. I think someone else might even have more negative emotions. I think it reasonable and expected in your situation. 12 years in itself is a long time to live daily in the shadows of addiction. He has not given you the best (or even maybe good at a minimum) of himself and sounds like he deteriorated even more at times. Financial stress just adds more weight to a difficult situation. I asked myself when I was in a similar dilemma with the alcoholic in my past if that person would make an effort for me every day equal to the amount of days they spent on their addiction. The sad truth for me was no, not even close by a long shot. That was how much I put up with and how much I got back. I'm glad for you if you choose too, that you can move on without the pull of the addict on you. That is a gift I never had. I struggled. Sadly he did way too little way way too late. Damage done. That's his struggle as an addict not yours. You did enough. You need to free you.

shiftinglife

I went to a seminar this week for my job and the presenter mentioned that for every negative interaction a person experiences, it can take 5-15 positive interactions to repair the damage done in that relationship. When I read all of the advice and shared experiences here, I feel strongly that 10 weeks of sobriety is not enough for me to jump in and he should not expect that from me. The work he is doing must be for himself and I must do my own work towards my own and my children's peace. Thank you all for sharing your insights.

hopeful4

Addicts so many times cannot wrap their minds around the YEARS of damage they have done to those who love them. The trauma. They want to fix that in a very short amount of time, and expect you to trust them again. They don't understand that it can take YEARS to earn trust. I understand they want to fix it, but the underlying trust that is required in all relationships is just not there.

Hugs to you.

AnvilheadII

if you read around, you will see many times that the alcoholic, sober for six weeks, will be frustrated with the loved one for not being OVER IT yet. after 15 or 20 years of increasing excessive drinking, with drawing from the family, anger, hostility, stumbling embarrassing drunkenness, broken promises, they want the QUICK FIX. therefore the math works for them - 42 days of sobriety negates 7,300 days of inebriated living.

shiftinglife

I attended a counseling session with my husband today. He spoke of being lonely and tired. of not being given a chance to prove he has changed. I felt terrible, but also manipulated.
The counselor advised that we pursue counseling separately, because we seem to have different goals for the sessions. She stated that she felt these couple sessions were further traumatizing me and that my husband was having difficulties respecting my boundaries. The therapist spoke with us both seperately to explain why she felt we should not continue. When we were leaving I mentioned to my husband that I needed space and time and I no longer wanted to put my life on hold, waiting for him to change. Within a heart beat he accused me of being involved with someone else.
It was as if I can not exist for him unless I am orbiting him or someone else, as if I can not possibly want to steer my own course. I exist only as his or someone else's supporting cast. I am so angry and afraid of what will come next.