Difficulty with connecting and sharing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 1
Difficulty with connecting and sharing
Hi all!
I am having some trouble with the openness and sharing that seems to be the hallmark of AA. Hoping that some of you have dealt with the same thing and can offer some advice.
By nature I am introverted and tend to pretty guarded. Even prior to my drinking days I rarely shared my feelings with even good friends - and the years of isolation imposed on me by alcoholism just exacerbated things.
My sponsor says that she is used to her sponsees calling her daily early in their recovery (I'm about 6 weeks in), and continuously reminds me that she is always there to listen whenever I want to talk. The problem is, I don't ever want to talk. Whether I am having a good day or bad, a craving or a victory, the thought of calling her (or anyone) to talk about it is the last thing in the world to appeal to me. I sense that she is growing frustrated with my reticence.
The same thing applies to meetings. I enjoy listening and occasionally speak up when I have something to say, but 90 percent of the time I pass. There is a man in the Saturday morning group I attend who told me two weeks ago that I need to start talking in meetings and then yesterday said he "expects" me to share next week. While I know he has the best of intentions, he makes me want to not go back to that meeting.
I truly feel that going to meetings and having that layer of accountability has been instrumental in getting me through the last 6 weeks...but I am getting increasingly frustrated with both others and myself as I find the culture of AA in conflict with my personality. I need to find a new sponsor soon and my lack of connection to the AA community is going to make that pretty difficult.
Have any other introverts successfully navigated this issue and learned how to force themselves to open up?
I am having some trouble with the openness and sharing that seems to be the hallmark of AA. Hoping that some of you have dealt with the same thing and can offer some advice.
By nature I am introverted and tend to pretty guarded. Even prior to my drinking days I rarely shared my feelings with even good friends - and the years of isolation imposed on me by alcoholism just exacerbated things.
My sponsor says that she is used to her sponsees calling her daily early in their recovery (I'm about 6 weeks in), and continuously reminds me that she is always there to listen whenever I want to talk. The problem is, I don't ever want to talk. Whether I am having a good day or bad, a craving or a victory, the thought of calling her (or anyone) to talk about it is the last thing in the world to appeal to me. I sense that she is growing frustrated with my reticence.
The same thing applies to meetings. I enjoy listening and occasionally speak up when I have something to say, but 90 percent of the time I pass. There is a man in the Saturday morning group I attend who told me two weeks ago that I need to start talking in meetings and then yesterday said he "expects" me to share next week. While I know he has the best of intentions, he makes me want to not go back to that meeting.
I truly feel that going to meetings and having that layer of accountability has been instrumental in getting me through the last 6 weeks...but I am getting increasingly frustrated with both others and myself as I find the culture of AA in conflict with my personality. I need to find a new sponsor soon and my lack of connection to the AA community is going to make that pretty difficult.
Have any other introverts successfully navigated this issue and learned how to force themselves to open up?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
It sounds like you're used to taking care of your own stuff but sharing what's going on with you with your sponsor is very important.
But, I do understand being an introvert at the meetings. I could never relate to some of the members that are so talkative, even some newcomers. But I did see other people never share, just listen. I really comes down to your comfort level. Everyone's different. When I used to go to meetings, some people call me out for not sharing and even where I sat (something about not being in the middle of the boat), so I know where you're coming from. The best advice I can give you is do what your comfortable with, but I would definitely try calling your sponsor from time to time. It will help you a lot. John
But, I do understand being an introvert at the meetings. I could never relate to some of the members that are so talkative, even some newcomers. But I did see other people never share, just listen. I really comes down to your comfort level. Everyone's different. When I used to go to meetings, some people call me out for not sharing and even where I sat (something about not being in the middle of the boat), so I know where you're coming from. The best advice I can give you is do what your comfortable with, but I would definitely try calling your sponsor from time to time. It will help you a lot. John
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello Rachel,
I have some thoughts to share (AA speak for rambling about what's running thru my head).
+ Isolation was a hallmark of my drinking/addiction. It took some very uncomfortable 'stretching out' to get to the place where I am just a little uncomfortable about 'opening up' (It's OK to be an introvert and feel uncomfortable)
+ The Traditions state that ANYONE is welcome to call themselves a Member of AA, just if they have a desire to stop drinking - and that actually extends to ANYONE that shows up at a meeting just because they think they might have a 'problem with alcohol'. So ... that means You and I are just as much a member as the person that is saying You 'have to' share at a meeting.
+ I can NOT let my 'feelings' drive my behavior. My 'feelings' want me to drink, because ... because ... because ... actually my feelings don't have to have a 'because', because if they drive my behavior, all I need is an uncomfortable feeling and I will drink (or think) myself into all kinds of bad consequences. I HAVE TO live my life, and force my own actions, to be in alignment with the Principals of the Program, the Steps, the Prayers, and the interaction of others that have gotten Freedom from working the AA Program.
+ If I 'share', and I think it may be just rambling and incoherent nonsense (which is VERY common in AA), I will wrap it up with ... "Thanks for letting me ramble about the insanity running thru my head" ... People understand, and if not and they are critical, then THEY are the ones NOT working the real program of AA.
+ If I just do NOT want to speak, or share, at a meeting, and I am called upon, I will say something like ... "No thanks for today, I would just prefer to listen, I'll Pass".
I drank (and drugged) for 40 years, then struggled real hard (face in the asphalt struggling - over and over) for a long time. When it got so bad on the inside, and I knew I couldn't go on living anymore ... I finally gave up completely and WORKED the 12 Step s of AA. It took some uncomfortable times, but the Miracle happened and I have been FREE for over 3 years now.
Hang in there Rachel.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW u can B 2
I have some thoughts to share (AA speak for rambling about what's running thru my head).
+ Isolation was a hallmark of my drinking/addiction. It took some very uncomfortable 'stretching out' to get to the place where I am just a little uncomfortable about 'opening up' (It's OK to be an introvert and feel uncomfortable)
+ The Traditions state that ANYONE is welcome to call themselves a Member of AA, just if they have a desire to stop drinking - and that actually extends to ANYONE that shows up at a meeting just because they think they might have a 'problem with alcohol'. So ... that means You and I are just as much a member as the person that is saying You 'have to' share at a meeting.
+ I can NOT let my 'feelings' drive my behavior. My 'feelings' want me to drink, because ... because ... because ... actually my feelings don't have to have a 'because', because if they drive my behavior, all I need is an uncomfortable feeling and I will drink (or think) myself into all kinds of bad consequences. I HAVE TO live my life, and force my own actions, to be in alignment with the Principals of the Program, the Steps, the Prayers, and the interaction of others that have gotten Freedom from working the AA Program.
+ If I 'share', and I think it may be just rambling and incoherent nonsense (which is VERY common in AA), I will wrap it up with ... "Thanks for letting me ramble about the insanity running thru my head" ... People understand, and if not and they are critical, then THEY are the ones NOT working the real program of AA.
+ If I just do NOT want to speak, or share, at a meeting, and I am called upon, I will say something like ... "No thanks for today, I would just prefer to listen, I'll Pass".
I drank (and drugged) for 40 years, then struggled real hard (face in the asphalt struggling - over and over) for a long time. When it got so bad on the inside, and I knew I couldn't go on living anymore ... I finally gave up completely and WORKED the 12 Step s of AA. It took some uncomfortable times, but the Miracle happened and I have been FREE for over 3 years now.
Hang in there Rachel.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW u can B 2
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
You may feel inhibited from expressing yourself openly in person, but as evidenced by your post, your writing is eloquent. That seems to be pretty common with us introverted types.
Please feel free to use SR to write out what you can't yet seem to say out loud in meetings. Perhaps the practice will serve to help you with speaking up when it's your turn to share in person.
Beyond that, as RDB suggested, part of recovery can involve a certain amount of pushing a bit outside your comfort zone. You may never become a true extrovert and win the Most Outgoing award, but "going against the grain" of your personality may help stretch and modify it away from the one which became accustomed to drinking in response to every challenge.
Please feel free to use SR to write out what you can't yet seem to say out loud in meetings. Perhaps the practice will serve to help you with speaking up when it's your turn to share in person.
Beyond that, as RDB suggested, part of recovery can involve a certain amount of pushing a bit outside your comfort zone. You may never become a true extrovert and win the Most Outgoing award, but "going against the grain" of your personality may help stretch and modify it away from the one which became accustomed to drinking in response to every challenge.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome, Rachel!
Congratulations on 6 weeks of recovery. I am also an introvert but, am not in AA so can't advise you on the sponsor issue. The most important thing is for you to continue with your recovery. Maybe you can find a sponsor who works for you, or you can look at other options of recovery. You will find quite a variety of recovery methods here. You are always welcome to come here and post and share if you wish, and/or read and learn:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Congratulations on 6 weeks of recovery. I am also an introvert but, am not in AA so can't advise you on the sponsor issue. The most important thing is for you to continue with your recovery. Maybe you can find a sponsor who works for you, or you can look at other options of recovery. You will find quite a variety of recovery methods here. You are always welcome to come here and post and share if you wish, and/or read and learn:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
No one has the right to 'expect' anything of you. As tyo sharing- my counsellor pushes that for me- growth only comes when I force MYSELF to go outside my comfort zone. That zone was historically drinking and isolation. Words cannot harm. Do not practice speeches- just talk a little, you might be surprised.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Although I'm not an introvert I can't think of one thing I liked about getting sober. I was forced out of my comfort zone on so many different levels I can't count them all. We only have to change one thing and that is everything because if we don't change we are condemned to stay the same
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
A lot of alcoholics, including myself, are introverted.
Don't worry about it, give it time.
I went from being afraid to be seen at a meeting, to not talking much because I was unsure of what to say.
After about 6 months I was talking a lot more because I found myself chairing meetings. You might be surprised with how much you grow in sobriety.
Don't worry about it, give it time.
I went from being afraid to be seen at a meeting, to not talking much because I was unsure of what to say.
After about 6 months I was talking a lot more because I found myself chairing meetings. You might be surprised with how much you grow in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes, had much the same trouble.
and realized that my personality was actually something that could really use pushing. changing. the way i was hadn't served me well. getting and staying sober has been in great part about changing. which i wanted.
don't know if that applies to you.
sharing at meetings....no requirement for that. just to mention, though, that sharing isn't really ultimately just for you...it is a giving, really, to the group. But perfectly okay to pass.
as far as daily contact with the sponsor....before i spoke with mine about it, i had disdainful assumptions about that, and hadn't given any thought to the beneficial aspects of it, the most crucial of which for me was that i simply didn't rech out, no matter what.
daily contact, which we did for a couple of months, was stilted at first and then became rwally natural, resulting in me actually picking up the phone a couple of times over the last couple of years when big stuff was going on.
pushing past the discomfort resulted in only positives.
and realized that my personality was actually something that could really use pushing. changing. the way i was hadn't served me well. getting and staying sober has been in great part about changing. which i wanted.
don't know if that applies to you.
sharing at meetings....no requirement for that. just to mention, though, that sharing isn't really ultimately just for you...it is a giving, really, to the group. But perfectly okay to pass.
as far as daily contact with the sponsor....before i spoke with mine about it, i had disdainful assumptions about that, and hadn't given any thought to the beneficial aspects of it, the most crucial of which for me was that i simply didn't rech out, no matter what.
daily contact, which we did for a couple of months, was stilted at first and then became rwally natural, resulting in me actually picking up the phone a couple of times over the last couple of years when big stuff was going on.
pushing past the discomfort resulted in only positives.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
It can be a bit intimidating in the beginning. My sponsor pushes to reach out to new comers which I don't have a problem with, but I'm not one to share all of the time. The meetings I attend usually ask you to share if you're celebrating a sobriety bday. I don't mind sharing during those times. I just focus on the fact that I'm working my program, and remember that everyone is their for the same issue. Nobody is judging me, and can speak freely. Realizing that before I actually begin sharing puts my nerves at ease. After numerous times doing it you'll end up not even thinking about it when you're asked to share.
Good luck though.
Good luck though.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Opening up to my sponsor and contacting her regularly was one of the harder things for me about the program. Thankfully she was happy with text messages which I felt more comfortable with. I have also made a friend of another lady in AA who doesn't have kids, and we meet for coffee and a chat 3 or 4 times a week, and now I've had my sponsor for longer I DO phone when I need to speak to her and ask her advise. Now she knows that I will contact on a bad day and that i have a support network in place my sponsor is more relaxed about things.
Once I'd done step 5 I think I did start to trust people more. Esp my sponsor. After all, she'd heard the worst about me and was still there.
I know people who never share in meetings. But they chat while helping to set up and clear up with trusted individuals. Not everyone is the same. And that's fine.
Just keep going. It takes time for us to become comfortable doing things we've never done before.
Once I'd done step 5 I think I did start to trust people more. Esp my sponsor. After all, she'd heard the worst about me and was still there.
I know people who never share in meetings. But they chat while helping to set up and clear up with trusted individuals. Not everyone is the same. And that's fine.
Just keep going. It takes time for us to become comfortable doing things we've never done before.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Stick to your guns as someone said earlier. It was a good six weeks before anyone could get a peep out of me. I sat at the back, head down, trying to keep out of sight of the chair. I became an expert in meeting room carpets.
When I did speak, a load of rubbish came out. It wasn't what you would call a contribution, it didn't help me, and it certainly didn't help anyone else. Strangely I found I got a lot more from listening. They told me, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and that is what I did. Like Berrybean said, step 5 was a turning point. After that I had more positive experience in common with the recovered members, and I felt much more a part of things.
There is a lot of wisdom behind the idea of calling your sponsor regularly. It is based in experience. We know that almost every newcomer is going to run into problems, flat spots, self pity, and resentment which, if left to fester, will eventually overwhelm them.
Talking to my sponsor each day gave hinm a picture of how I was travelling. He could see things that I could not. Because I was in the habit of calling, I would call on bad days as well as good. When I found myself in one of those binds from which I could see no way out, he lent me his reasoning power. He asked me the questions I should have been asking myself. He helped me identify causes, and understand effects, and find solutions to the silly little issues that life threw up and which I could not deal with, not to mention the problems my own behaviour caused. (decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt....).
He was a huge help in keeping the decks clear so I didn't get overwhelmed.
When I did speak, a load of rubbish came out. It wasn't what you would call a contribution, it didn't help me, and it certainly didn't help anyone else. Strangely I found I got a lot more from listening. They told me, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and that is what I did. Like Berrybean said, step 5 was a turning point. After that I had more positive experience in common with the recovered members, and I felt much more a part of things.
There is a lot of wisdom behind the idea of calling your sponsor regularly. It is based in experience. We know that almost every newcomer is going to run into problems, flat spots, self pity, and resentment which, if left to fester, will eventually overwhelm them.
Talking to my sponsor each day gave hinm a picture of how I was travelling. He could see things that I could not. Because I was in the habit of calling, I would call on bad days as well as good. When I found myself in one of those binds from which I could see no way out, he lent me his reasoning power. He asked me the questions I should have been asking myself. He helped me identify causes, and understand effects, and find solutions to the silly little issues that life threw up and which I could not deal with, not to mention the problems my own behaviour caused. (decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt....).
He was a huge help in keeping the decks clear so I didn't get overwhelmed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I also am someone that prefers to keep to themselves, and finds just reading/hearing others stories to be very helpful. I think they may be concerned as it is often times those that do seem distant, may not be following the plan, or have something to hide with slips.
I would keep in contact with your sponsor and just be honest with them. I wouldn't feel any pressure to speak at meetings and don't let anyone try to force you to do so, they are not in the right to do that.
I would keep in contact with your sponsor and just be honest with them. I wouldn't feel any pressure to speak at meetings and don't let anyone try to force you to do so, they are not in the right to do that.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Great job on your sober time, working an AA program, having a sponsor and going to meetings! All important- crucial- in my experience.
As an extrovert, I'll say that I too was slow to share in meetings at first. It took me quite awhile- maybe till around the time I got my first sponsor, which was at 97 days (I am 413 today), even. Now, I speak comfortably- when I want or need to, and feel I can contribute to the meeting (for myself or others). I was directed to both listen and share- they are equally important and both serve to help others as well as myself.
IMO there isn't a right way to do AA, besides the actual program which is key to work of course- and there isn't a pace you should follow other than your own, provided you are continuing to move forward into stronger sobriety.
As we say, keep coming back. You can do this.
As an extrovert, I'll say that I too was slow to share in meetings at first. It took me quite awhile- maybe till around the time I got my first sponsor, which was at 97 days (I am 413 today), even. Now, I speak comfortably- when I want or need to, and feel I can contribute to the meeting (for myself or others). I was directed to both listen and share- they are equally important and both serve to help others as well as myself.
IMO there isn't a right way to do AA, besides the actual program which is key to work of course- and there isn't a pace you should follow other than your own, provided you are continuing to move forward into stronger sobriety.
As we say, keep coming back. You can do this.
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