Says he's going to kill himself if I go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Says he's going to kill himself if I go.
Hi,
I have a situation here, been dating this guy for about a year now, and expecting a baby on the 11th of this month.
He's gotten two DUI's one when he's been with me and the other before I meet him.
He stopped drinking because the law forced him too, for about 3 months, since he didn't have any slip ups I thought he really didn't have a problem, but it seems he does. We argue every time he does because I don't want to be in a relationship like this and he know this, and says he will stop, but it seems like every time I'm not around him babysitting him, he does it. Even tho with the baby coming I thought he would stop more than ever since she's suppose to be due here any minute now.
I have threaten him with leaving before, and it worked for a week or so, but then again he does it again and apologizes. But now I finally stopped seeing him for a week unless it was for my Dr. appointment. Other than that I just txt him or call him (im trying to punish him to see if that would do anything) but I decided to go see him this morning because I had a feeling that he did it again, and I needed proof for myself if he has done it again.
Sure enough, he drank the night before. He tried to deny it, but I knew. So I'm already emotionally stressed with this pregnancy, so I'm already hurt.
Now here comes the "reasons" why he did it.
I think he needs help, not with just the drinking but psychologically, he lost his brother to Cancer, a few years back maybe 8, and then his mother about 4 years ago due to over dose, and he found her on the ground already passed away.
He was crying and said he doesn't have anyone left but me, and if I leave him he's going to die. So I need to stay with him to help him go through this, of course I love him and this just makes me want to help him even more. But I seen that even if I'm around it didn't change anything! He still did what he wanted to do. But suicide is something I think I need to take serious, it could of been the alcohol but I don't know. And he doesn't "believe" in therapist or counseling because he thinks he doesn't need it.
I told him that drinking doesn't solve anything, it just makes the matter worse. I don't know what to do. He needs help but I can't force him to get it, he needs to want it. And I'm trying to leave but this just makes everything worse because I love him, I want him to live for his daughter, and I'm scared, because after this conversation I left, and he told me that if i leave don't bother coming back. Because I don't love him. But I don't know what else to do! I'm wreck so emotionally and can't handle these things.
What should be my next step.
Thanks, anything will help at this point
I have a situation here, been dating this guy for about a year now, and expecting a baby on the 11th of this month.
He's gotten two DUI's one when he's been with me and the other before I meet him.
He stopped drinking because the law forced him too, for about 3 months, since he didn't have any slip ups I thought he really didn't have a problem, but it seems he does. We argue every time he does because I don't want to be in a relationship like this and he know this, and says he will stop, but it seems like every time I'm not around him babysitting him, he does it. Even tho with the baby coming I thought he would stop more than ever since she's suppose to be due here any minute now.
I have threaten him with leaving before, and it worked for a week or so, but then again he does it again and apologizes. But now I finally stopped seeing him for a week unless it was for my Dr. appointment. Other than that I just txt him or call him (im trying to punish him to see if that would do anything) but I decided to go see him this morning because I had a feeling that he did it again, and I needed proof for myself if he has done it again.
Sure enough, he drank the night before. He tried to deny it, but I knew. So I'm already emotionally stressed with this pregnancy, so I'm already hurt.
Now here comes the "reasons" why he did it.
I think he needs help, not with just the drinking but psychologically, he lost his brother to Cancer, a few years back maybe 8, and then his mother about 4 years ago due to over dose, and he found her on the ground already passed away.
He was crying and said he doesn't have anyone left but me, and if I leave him he's going to die. So I need to stay with him to help him go through this, of course I love him and this just makes me want to help him even more. But I seen that even if I'm around it didn't change anything! He still did what he wanted to do. But suicide is something I think I need to take serious, it could of been the alcohol but I don't know. And he doesn't "believe" in therapist or counseling because he thinks he doesn't need it.
I told him that drinking doesn't solve anything, it just makes the matter worse. I don't know what to do. He needs help but I can't force him to get it, he needs to want it. And I'm trying to leave but this just makes everything worse because I love him, I want him to live for his daughter, and I'm scared, because after this conversation I left, and he told me that if i leave don't bother coming back. Because I don't love him. But I don't know what else to do! I'm wreck so emotionally and can't handle these things.
What should be my next step.
Thanks, anything will help at this point
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he threatens suicide, call 911 and let them deal with it. You're not a mental health professional, and not equipped to deal with a seriously suicidal person. His threats to kill himself IF YOU LEAVE are effectively hostage-taking. If you call 911 and he was just trying to manipulate you, he won't try that again. If he IS serious, he can get the help he needs.
Your love won't get him better. You've seen that over and over. "Punishment" won't work either. You've seen that, too. The bottom line is that IF he is ever to get better it will have to be because he wants to, not because you want him to.
I think you need to step away from him. You're having a baby soon. This isn't good for you or for the baby-to-be.
And alcoholics don't need a reason to drink. Once alcoholism sets in, it doesn't matter whether life is good or bad, they live to drink and drink to live. You and your baby are not going to thrive with this man in your life.
Your love won't get him better. You've seen that over and over. "Punishment" won't work either. You've seen that, too. The bottom line is that IF he is ever to get better it will have to be because he wants to, not because you want him to.
I think you need to step away from him. You're having a baby soon. This isn't good for you or for the baby-to-be.
And alcoholics don't need a reason to drink. Once alcoholism sets in, it doesn't matter whether life is good or bad, they live to drink and drink to live. You and your baby are not going to thrive with this man in your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so sorry that you're here. Please make sure that you take care of your baby -
that's your number one priority right now. If your partner was sober, he would most likely want you to do that too.
I can only tell you my story. When my mother threatened suicide (she had decided to stop taking her meds), I called her doctor. Her doctor called 911. She was forced to undertake a psych evaluation. She told me she would never speak to me again - I told her I loved her and if that's what it took to get her the help she needed then so be it.
It's been almost a year, but she's never threatened suicide again, and I don't think she ever will.
I would recommend that the next time he threatens suicide, call 911, for many reasons. If he's truly suicidal, he will get the help he needs. If he's manipulating you, he will have to go through the exercise of having somebody call him on his crap.
that's your number one priority right now. If your partner was sober, he would most likely want you to do that too.
I can only tell you my story. When my mother threatened suicide (she had decided to stop taking her meds), I called her doctor. Her doctor called 911. She was forced to undertake a psych evaluation. She told me she would never speak to me again - I told her I loved her and if that's what it took to get her the help she needed then so be it.
It's been almost a year, but she's never threatened suicide again, and I don't think she ever will.
I would recommend that the next time he threatens suicide, call 911, for many reasons. If he's truly suicidal, he will get the help he needs. If he's manipulating you, he will have to go through the exercise of having somebody call him on his crap.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fiera....very soon, you are going to have a new person in your life...and, she is going to have to be the number one person in your life, from now on.
She deserves that much.
I suggest that you step away from him because the drinking usually gets worse after the baby comes......
She deserves that much.
I suggest that you step away from him because the drinking usually gets worse after the baby comes......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How sad for you and your baby, this should be the happiest time in your life and instead it's filled with a selfish alcoholic making it all about him and his issues.
Certainly not any kind of father figure for that baby and I hope you see that and take a stand for your sake and the babies.
Please learn as much as you can about alcoholism, addiction and addict behaviors. You can't punish him sober, you can't add responsibility like a child onto his shoulders, he'll probably only drink more.
When the suicide threat comes out, call 911 and allow the professionals to handle it because if you really deep down think he might then there should be no hesitation on your part to do so.
Certainly not any kind of father figure for that baby and I hope you see that and take a stand for your sake and the babies.
Please learn as much as you can about alcoholism, addiction and addict behaviors. You can't punish him sober, you can't add responsibility like a child onto his shoulders, he'll probably only drink more.
When the suicide threat comes out, call 911 and allow the professionals to handle it because if you really deep down think he might then there should be no hesitation on your part to do so.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you don't live together, is that correct? you said you stopped "seeing" him. so you have a safe place for you and the baby. that HAS to be your only concern. yes this man may have contributed to the conception, but he in NO WAY sounds like bf material, dad material, or guy driving in the car behind you material.
as others have said, the recommended way to deal with suicide threats is to call 911. he's holding you hostage emotionally, which is cruel and selfish.
as others have said, the recommended way to deal with suicide threats is to call 911. he's holding you hostage emotionally, which is cruel and selfish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Fiera. I'm so glad you found us.
With a little one expected any moment, your life is about to get even crazier. If possible get ahold of the book Codependent No More. It's a bit of a bible around her.
May angels surround you and may your labor and the birth go smoothly.
With a little one expected any moment, your life is about to get even crazier. If possible get ahold of the book Codependent No More. It's a bit of a bible around her.
May angels surround you and may your labor and the birth go smoothly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
Firstly- if he is serious about suicide- he needs to get professional help. You are not that- or his mum or a superhero. Emotional blackmail- dependency. You need to look after you. Stay safe. Get help/support- for you. ? Doctor- can he be put on a mental health order/ Police? Al-anon, counsellor?
STAY SAFE. Do not put your health/pregnancy on hold or in stress because of his actions. You cannot control him or take responsibility. You have a real child now.
Take care, support to you.
STAY SAFE. Do not put your health/pregnancy on hold or in stress because of his actions. You cannot control him or take responsibility. You have a real child now.
Take care, support to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
You are being held hostage, plain and simple. Mentally held hostage. Let that sink in. Let me tell you, raising a child with an alcoholic is the most painful thing you will ever do. To see your innocent children deal with the affects of having a depressed and alcoholic parent and have to watch them be hurt, while it's out of your control....is simply awful.
You need to get out now. There is lots of help out there for him, he simply would rather have it from you, and is mentally trying to convince you he will die without you. The thing is, he has to want help, from whatever means he can get it, to actually change.
I would find a place he can go for counseling and services and direct him there. Then, you need to focus on you and your child. If he makes threats to you, call 911, every single time. This will do two things. One, get him the help he needs if he actually needs it. Two, if he is bluffing, he will stop b/c you are showing you will simply call 911, which is not his desired outcome. What he is doing, even if he does not realize it, is a form of abuse. It's not right to hold a person hostage in this way.
Please, get yourself a counselor who deals with addiction as well, this will help you tremendously.
Hugs to you.
You are being held hostage, plain and simple. Mentally held hostage. Let that sink in. Let me tell you, raising a child with an alcoholic is the most painful thing you will ever do. To see your innocent children deal with the affects of having a depressed and alcoholic parent and have to watch them be hurt, while it's out of your control....is simply awful.
You need to get out now. There is lots of help out there for him, he simply would rather have it from you, and is mentally trying to convince you he will die without you. The thing is, he has to want help, from whatever means he can get it, to actually change.
I would find a place he can go for counseling and services and direct him there. Then, you need to focus on you and your child. If he makes threats to you, call 911, every single time. This will do two things. One, get him the help he needs if he actually needs it. Two, if he is bluffing, he will stop b/c you are showing you will simply call 911, which is not his desired outcome. What he is doing, even if he does not realize it, is a form of abuse. It's not right to hold a person hostage in this way.
Please, get yourself a counselor who deals with addiction as well, this will help you tremendously.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My ex used to threaten suicide. He'd tell me I was his "whole world, life wasn't worth living with out me ..... he was so sorry for the lies and drinking he'd never do it again".... blah blah blah blah...quack quack quack.... it went on and on for years. He didn't ever change and I just got sicker and sicker with my own codependency.
My children were raised in that lifestyle of "functioning" alcoholism/codependency, as was I with my own parents. I hope I broke that cycle when I left him. I hope my children make wiser choices both for themselves individually and in their adult relationships.
I wish my mum had set a better example for me.
I wish I had set a better example for my children. Maybe by not tolerating it to the "end" like my mum did, I did (at least) set a somewhat better example than she did. I can only hope.
Best of luck to you and your precious daughter as you make these tough choices.
My children were raised in that lifestyle of "functioning" alcoholism/codependency, as was I with my own parents. I hope I broke that cycle when I left him. I hope my children make wiser choices both for themselves individually and in their adult relationships.
I wish my mum had set a better example for me.
I wish I had set a better example for my children. Maybe by not tolerating it to the "end" like my mum did, I did (at least) set a somewhat better example than she did. I can only hope.
Best of luck to you and your precious daughter as you make these tough choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
sorry about your situation. is he suicidal about anything else except you leaving?
agree with other posts about suicide - mental health hotline.
offer him the option to get and stay sober
would be interesting and he can get his life back.
Have a look at suicide laws by country Is Suicide Illegal? Suicide Laws By Country
apparently the US currently has no laws against suicide.
Japan: Committing suicide is considered illegal, but it is not punishable.
How exactly would they punish a dead person?
agree with other posts about suicide - mental health hotline.
offer him the option to get and stay sober
would be interesting and he can get his life back.
Have a look at suicide laws by country Is Suicide Illegal? Suicide Laws By Country
apparently the US currently has no laws against suicide.
Japan: Committing suicide is considered illegal, but it is not punishable.
How exactly would they punish a dead person?
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Dump him and run. His life is not your responsibility. It's his. He's making excuses not to get the help he needs. Do you really want to be stuck raising two children? Because that's what's going to happen. He's a grown man and needs to learn to step up and take care of himself, mentally and physically. You'll have a baby to take care of very soon and your bf is dead weight.
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