Sasha4

Struggling a bit today.

Difficult situation with my BIL.
We had a row nearly a year ago. Full on shouting match from him.
Words were said I cannot ever forget.
He said he has 'always hated me', along with me being 'trouble'. The trouble bit goes back to my drinking days.
I don't visit her house anymore if he is there.
I had to apologise with a written letter after the row.
I didn't mean a word of it.
It was humiliating and I did for the benefit of my sister.
He sent a text saying he was 'delighted' to receive the letter and we should kiss and make up.
To this day, I have never responded to his text.

My sister finally asked me today why I never accept her offer to come over to her house on a weekend. She asked if it was him. I said it was. She said can we not all just get on, and I said no.
I am fine with her and her children, but I never want to be anywhere near him again.
My feelings are so strong I cannot look him in the eye. I avoid conversation.
I have never felt such a strong dislike of a person before.
She said he would take it out on her that I won't socialise with them when he is around.
To me that proves what a bully he is.

I'm not proving a point.
I don't want to be difficult.
But I will not making friends with him.
I have nothing to say to him anymore.
We used to get on, but now I struggle to be anywhere near him.
I also don't want an apology from him. It truly will not change anything for me. I wish he would disappear.
I won't be attending any family functions if he is there - weddings, christmas, birthdays etc.

Has anyone else ever experienced that instant dislike of someone?
Did the dislike get any less over time?
I sometimes cannot believe how strong my feelings are toward him.
I know that bearing a rude can be harmful, but I really do not want his friendship in any capacity.
There is no need for me to speak to him ever again.

Am I wrong?

neferkamichael

Sasha4, move on and be happy, rootin for ya.

Soberwolf

I don't think you're wrong Sasha if that is how you truly feel - it's a shame no reparations can be made by him to make the situation better with you - Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge and if that is truly the case then so be it

You're not wrong the situation isn't right & know you always have us x

Delilah1

Hi Sasha,

I felt/feel that way about an ex who was at first verbally abusive, and then physically, which is why he became an ex. He lives 3000 miles away, and it has been 24 years since I have had any contact, but my feelings about him are still that strong.

If you are worried about the bullying behaviors I can see how it would cause such a strong emotion. I also think you are smart to avoid situations where he will be of it causes you to feel the way it does.

❤️Delilah

Sasha4

I don't think it even occurred to him to say sorry to me.
Or that he even owed me an apology.

But that is him - he is Mr angry and goes around reprimanding others about their behaviour, but he never considers his own behaviour.

I have silently waited for them to realise I do not want be in his company.
It has taken nearly a year for him to see all is far from normal.
That speaks volumes to me.

Outonthetiles

Move on. This is toxic. Cut him out of your life at all costs.

JustTony

You're not wrong.

It will never be the same anyway.

Been there many times and never regretted it.

BrendaChenowyth

He taught you what to expect from him. You don't want to be hurt again, so you can't be around that person. You're right. If he really takes it out on your sister, that's not your fault, he's just a nasty toxic person. And why the hell does he care if you visit him anyway? You and your sister can do stuff together elsewhere.

Sasha4

So true - it will never be the same again and yes he did teach me what to expect from him.
I went on holiday with my sister and our kids a few weeks after the row.
He threatened to cancel it and told him to go ahead.
Even thought he had not paid anything towards it.
Almost like it was up to him who my sister spent time with and that she would not be spending time with me.

We had a great time.
Mostly great because we never once talked about him. It was like he didn't exist.

Grymt

"He made me angry, made me feel bad one time. I will show him. I'm going to feel angry, feel bad many times. He doesn't even have to know about it. I'm going to bury this rotten feeling deep inside myself and stew in it. It's going to control where I go, what I do and when I do it. That'll fix him."

I'm going to be aware of what I'm doing to myself. I'm going to learn what passion feels like without it consuming me. I'm going to let love dictate my actions. That'll fix me.

Anna

Sasha, you are not wrong and you should never be in the company of someone who affects you so negatively. This is toxic and you don't need to allow it into your life. He didn't even bother to apologize to you for the words he said. It took him a year to realize you had backed off. You don't need this. I'm glad you can still see your sister and children and I hope that relationship continues. And, yes, I removed some toxic people from my life, too, and I never looked back.

Sasha4

Thanks everyone.

Anna you are right in terms of not needing that in my life.

I think one amazing skill that I have learnt from SR is not engaging and removing myself from arguments and bad atmospheres.

I just can't move on from someone saying 'I have always hated you'.
It changes so much for me.

saoutchik

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant individual Sasha4 and it is absolutely right that you should have nothing to do with him. With some people life is just to short to tolerate their company.

Anna

Sasha, I hope you can move on in the sense that this person doesn't deserve any of your energy thinking about him. Move on in the sense of stepping away. I don't think it's something you should forget, but perhaps you will be able to forgive in the sense of letting go of the burden of emotions you are carrying.

Sasha4

I think I am getting there Anna and I agree with you about emotionally stepping away.
I don't feel as much anger as I did.
Time and distance have helped immensely.

tomsteve

I have to accept people the way they are but do not have be around unacceptable behavior or allow it in my life.
best thing for me to get over resentments it to pray for them- pray that they get everything I want ( I don't think rationalizing that I want to get hit by a truck works too good. ).
and remember they are sick.

GroundhogDay

Sounds like it would be best for you to not interact with him at all. Your sister had no business trying to manipulate you with that "he will take it out on me" nonsense.

Personally, I wouldn't go as far as avoiding all family functions he might attend.

I do think you need to move on emotionally. I mean, he's just your BIL. I barely know mine exists, lol.

Dee74

Hi Sasha
I'm a big believer in avoiding toxicity - I don't need or want it.

I think it is important tho not to let folks 'rent space in your head'.

The novel The Shack was really helpful to me in this regard:
I understand that you may not be ready for forgiveness per se - much less wanting to pray for his wholeness - it's an admirable aim, but a tough ask.

But it's an undeniable truth it is pretty hard to move on with your hands around someone elses throat.

I hope you can let go, in time, for you

D

tufty13

Be the peacemaker and wherever you go, you will be loved and be able to love.

Sasha4

I can only be at peace with us not being friends and getting on with life from this point on.
But I understand what you mean thank you x