TexasTrouble

Wife hiding vodka?
Two years ago I started trying to change - be more active. Found a sport. My wife had a group of friends and became less active - they seemed to be regressing to the 'go out and party' era. She's 46, I'm 47. At the point she asked about going to a strip club, I kinda lost it and finally brought up she had shown NO interest in activities I was building knowldege in for when the kids were gone. In other words, I was prepping us for 'active old people' stage - and she was regressing. Then she made a stupid decision at work and nearly got fired, her horrible parents 'broke' somehow when she tried to talk to them about being 'kinda' horrible - and suddenly all their 'family silence' erupted into evidence as to why they never talk normal to each other. Basically her dad is an amoral ***** it turns out, but this isn't revealed until he loses his sense of controlling you somewhat.
So fast forward, my wife just seemed to not want anything - not acting on needed things - less interested than even before in sex - and oddly becoming MORE subservient to me. She started gaining weight, won't exercise, and just sits at the table looking at the GD phone - waste deep in social mediocrity - and wants to wait on the kids and me hand and foot. Falls asleep and the snoring is horrible- within seconds of sitting or laying down.
We've talked over the last year - and none of it seems relevant now - except I was almost sure I didn't want to be with her anymore, but would be forced to stay for my kids. I could never be 'divorced dad', NEVER do that to my kids, so the resentment and disgust in her has grown because of this fact. The fact [not sure if she knows] that I could never leave. Instead I'll work my 50 hours per week, do sports with kids - and give up the small remainder of my life to try and 'fix' her. And for what? When the kids are gone I have a fat, lazy, old lady with no desire to watch me run marathons?
So - I allowed myself to vent for YOUR pleasure. Opening up here. I go through cycles of waking up and saying, "Lord, I'm going to be positive - and FIX this." Then another day goes by and my impatient - selfish self gets angry and I start feeling sorry for myself and start hating her again.
Then yesterday the bathroom door was locked again - just for a minute. She's doing weekend sports tournament duty out of town - while I got the other kids. I assume now the door gets locked [we have a separate poop room] just due to her embarassed of the extra 40 lbs. ...but I guess I knew - images in my subconscious -smells - actions - weird moments - so yesterday I searched.

A GIANT plastic bottle of vodka in the corner of her closet. Wow. Pardon me, but F'ing A. I actually just kept looking. Said to myself - 'heck, it doesn't fit in the cabinet above the stove and she doesn't want the kids to see it' - but this morning at 5am I woke up thinking. What this? Why can't she just be mean, and hate, and internalize, and lash out, then apologize, then exercise - an alcohol problem? really? I took a picture of her from the side the other day on my phone, with no intentions - but the hint of an intention - in it she looks like a 'bag lady'. Now I find a plastic, gallon, 2 foot tall bottle of vodka hidden in the back of her closet. I need this to change something - to somehow wind back the clock so I care enough to help her right - but i'm just so disgusted. This is the worst. Or is it just a really tall bottle from a girl trip she thought was cool and wanted to keep? Maybe it's always had 3 inches left in the bottom! Is continued denial the answer? Any advice and criticism is fine. Will never talk to any friend or family about this - because it's embarassing - and I don't trust anybody.

Thanks for reading.

TheClaw

You need to talk to her. As a dad who was on the other side of this it took my wife telling me to move out for me to make changes. I've done enough damage, had to apologize to the kids, admit to being an alcoholic. But if I want to keep the family together its something I have to do.

I wasn't always a fan of my wife, we've had our ups and downs. there was a time if she said she wanted my to move out I would of probably agreed. I love my kids too much so I'm here. Now I have to earn their respect back. I'm running out of time, son graduating from HS this year.

If you love her, you need to help her.

Forward12

Welcome to the forum. She may not be an alcoholic, but seems to be having a massive mid-life crisis, with friends supporting this.
A good sit down with her would be in order.

Berrybean

Oh dear. Sorry for what brings you here. I can understand that things must seem to be crashing down around you. Thing is, it may well be that things have been secretly crashing down for your wife for a while. Sounds like some of the trauma of her family background may have left it's mark, and this can often prompt some weird behaviour. In my case codependency issues and alcohol dependency.
The good news is that once things got bad enough and I realised that there were options available to me, I chose recovery. Perhaps she will do the same. Perhaps not. Either way, it sounds like a good heart to heart discussion is in order. Whether she will be capable of this is another thing altogether. It took me being sober a good while before I was able to be honest with a sponsor. It would have been much harder to do this with a nearest and dearest because the risk of rejection would have been so much higher.

Maybe have a read up about codependency and see if you think that sounds like it could be an issue, and try to get in a calm state and think how best to broach this with her (when she is def sober) so she is most likely to feel safe talking to you without you getting upset, or angry or ut turning into a big row. Any of those things would be counterproductive right now. Alanon might be an option if it turns out that a drinking problem has manifested itself in your wife, as would the family and friends of alcoholics section on here.

Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency

What is Al-Anon? | Al-Anon UK

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good luck. Prayers for you and for your wife. BB

Mountainmanbob

You might want to suggest couseling for you two.

My wife dragged me to Christian couseling 9 years ago.
Worked out very well but, I also didn't wish to lose her.

It's a bummer if our mate doesn't stimulate us.
How you break that to her, probably won't be easy.
But, keeping these things to ourselves only builds resentments.
I see those growing in your post.

M-Bob

Zebra1275

If it were my wife I would talk to her about the vodka. I would also be supportive and caring, because that is how my wife talked to me. If she had shown nothing but anger, resentment, and condescending behavior towards me, it would have furthered my depression and climb into the bottle. I'm glad she didn't do that. It's likely your wife knows that she is an alcoholic, but she is trapped in the addiction cycle, is depressed, scared and doesn't know what to do to.

She needs outside help, and your support. Despite your anger and resentment, it would help her if you make a good faith effort to provide that. Marriage vows typically include "in sickness and in health" and this is one of those times. Your wife is not healthy and likely has the disease of alcoholism.

I'm not saying, do this forever, but give her a significant amount of time to get outside help (she can't do this by herself). Maybe in patient treatment might be an option?

The good news is, that with treatment, she can recover and become the person she once was. Seven years ago my marriage was in trouble and I was trying to quit drinking, but just couldn't do it for any length of time.

Now, thanks to AA and this website I've got 7 years sober, and my marriage is as strong as it every was. I'm partially retired and my wife is going to retire soon and we are excited about the things we have planned for this next phase of life. Our future is so bright we gotta wear shades.

Fly N Buy

Ask her about the vodka, perhaps alcohol is a symptom of deeper problems in her life. I suppose that is why you posted on SR ? There are solutions and prompting her to seek them is certainly what a spouse should do - especially with kids involved. Had this not been done for me I'd still be drinking.

I can't fix anyone - especially my wife if 34 years. I can only work on my hula hoop.
But I don't have to be part of moral decay either.

FreeOwl

I never wanted to be the divorced Dad either. As a child of divorce, never wanted to do that to my kids.

Fortunately, my ex made it easy for me when she kidnapped the kids and took them 2,000 miles away without my permission or knowledge. I got them back and divorced her immediately.

Point is: sometimes staying in a tragically unhealthy marriage is a lot worse for your kids than showing them a healthy parent draw healthy boundaries and take healthy steps to take care of themselves and the kids.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Seems to me, though, it's worth giving some of your assumptions about the best interests of everyone involved some critical review.

You might read up a bit on co-dependency too.

MarkTwain

TT, your chances of working this out on your own are nearly zero.

Maudcat

Hi, Texas. Welcome.
Agree with the others that you and your wife should talk. If she is drinking too much, the signs, now that you have seen the bottle, will be there.
Honestly, I wouldn't go there about the vodka initially. I would try to come from a place of love and express real concern for her physical and mental health.
I stopped drinking when my spouse, who I thought was clueless about how much I was drinking, gently confronted me, saying he was worried about me.
It was powerful stuff.

Marissa41

I know it sounds bad, but I sense a lot of resentment.
Counseling may be in order?

dcg

Sounds like it, and it's better to be honest rather than lie just because she's the mother of your children, imo.