bronzie

Sorry for the ranting this morning on my previous posts. It was a rough Saturday morning here in our disfunctional household. But I stuck thru, I didn't leave to go get alcohol, I just went into my room and watched some cartoons and did a fun little art activity with my daughter. I decided I'm just going to focus on my sweet children instead of getting sucked into other people's problems. They can blame me all they want, but I am only taking responsibility for my part in it, not the entire issues that this family has!
So I'm here and trying to plan out the rest of our weekend.

Maudcat

There you go. Easier said sometimes, but it's a good start. Might give ignoring your mother's verbal antics a go. They hate it when you don't engage.

bronzie

I just feel so much depression and anxiety today! I feel like I'm going to die if something doesn't change!
I don't want to drink. Why is it so hard for me? Because I feel so crappy when I don't. My doctor says to take my medicines at the right times and keep doing that to feel better. Well that worked for the last 3 days, but this morning I forgot in all the chaos here. I just now remembered. Ughhh!!!

Maudcat

I am feeling a tad anxious myself, for different reasons. Chagrined by the current political situation, but enough said.
Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and keep your head up. Your higher power won't let you down.

bronzie

I will try. I just have anxiety attacks and then start crying and trying to take deep breaths. But I hate crying!
I saw my dr last week, and she wants to see me once a week. Well I can't talk to anyone on the weekends!
I hope you feel better too!

JustTony

I think you did absolutely brilliantly today.

You should be massively proud of yourself. I think you're far tougher and stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Don't let anybody put you down and affect the belief you have in yourself.

Tony

bronzie

I'm crying while my daughter naps, how stupid is that? I have literally taken her to a sitters house and just sat in my car and cries. I want everything to be so perfect for her, she deserves everything. But it my parents eyes, that involves a lot of money, not a teacher's salary as a single mom. But I love teaching, and everyone is so nice there. It's like the only place people are nice
to me is at work.
I held it together all week, I am literally crying right now because I cannot drink alcohol, and the physical and emotional pain and anxiety without it is so difficult!
I'm tired of being a disappointment to my parents, but I know no matter what I do, it will not be good enough. They are just like that.
Day 5 or 6 comes on a weekend and is so rough, i'm afraid things will never get better. Im scared for the world really. I'm not even a negative persons just realistic. I'm really nice and I love people.

Caramel

Brighter days will come for you, bronzie.
Be kind to yourself - do some little thing right now if you can - breathing mindfully, something beautiful or funny to look at, give yourself a hug.
We're here for you

Berrybean

Stick with it Bronzie. Make some wise choices. Long term happiness and serenity over short term relief followed by more chaos.

These early weeks are not an indicator of what life sober will be like long term in sobriety. If it were then there wouldn't be so many people here saying that sobriety can be, and is for them, sustainable, comfortable and preferable to the chaos of drinking. I (and those other people) are being honest when we say that. And if you were to go to an AA meeting you'd meet others with long term sobriety and healthy recovery who could tell you the same. Things will get better. As long as you stay sober and work on your recovery xx

2muchpain

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Look at it this way; the weekend is almost half over. John

Soberwolf

You have our shoulders to lean on Bronzie you are doing great

bronzie

This anxiety is too much, I don't even WANT to drink now, I have worked thru some of the emotional part of addiction (crying it out basically), and now I am not craving drink, I just want the anxiety to go away. I've just went downstairs and made some herbal tea called "Tension Tamer" and it's suppose to be calming. I sprayed some lavender essential oil around my room.
(My mom just came out of her room, saying she would rather spend a couple days in jail instead of paying her tax bill, and fussing about how I haven't cleaned up their mess in the kitchen). I just paid my rent here, if I wanna relax on a Saturday after working all week, I should be able to).
Going to clean now.

Berrybean

One of my favourite prayers...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the person I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I think is was Sandy Beach (but I could be wrong ) who talked about a TV sitcom where the mum from hell was staying with her son. She drove him nuts, criticising everything, telling him what to do, being obnoxious. All weekend he was fit to bust a gut. In the next episode she went to stay with her daughter and was just the same way there. BUT the daughter, somehow or another, had found acceptance for what her mum was like. She didn't agree with her, but she could laugh at her mums antics. Every time her mum did something that would have driven her brother insane, the daughter just laughed and said "Ohhhh Mom" and carried on doing things her own way despite the criticism.

I know parents can be tricky. My dad is the one who could always get me in a rage. And he still can if I don't work my program. Last time he had me spitting feathers I went to an AA meeting straight after. One of the old timers shook his head when I told him about my Dad, and tssked a bit. Then he asked me "Has your dad been like that before Berry?" "YES!" I told him "he's always been like it!" (which he has). "Oh." Says that old timer. "So why did you expect him to be different THIS time?" Lol. I could've socked that old guy right on the nose. I stomped off to find some sympathy from someone nicer. But he was right of course. When I keep my expectations of my Dad right-sized and realistic (rather than Berry-sized and based on how I think the world shouldbe) then things tend to go much smoother for me emotionally. We can't make other people change their behaviour, but we can change the impact that their behaviour has on us.

Big hugs Bronzie. Xx

bronzie

Thank you Berry, I read your posts and it really helped me, that makes so much sense, and I am staying close to SR. And will be going to see an individual counselor next week as well as my doctor. Headed outside a while before the rain returns...

Dee74

Just focus on getting the money together to get out of there Bronzie.
You can do this

D

PhoenixJ

Bronzie- yes- remember the serenity prayer. I shared- just then about not fighting things out of my control on Whiner's. The serenity prayer is what I was going to post as well. Look past the emotional hurt. I can 'if only' until my last breath, but there are no if's with memories. I have today- then the future. To dwell on the past without growth for me means I stop living now. Stuck in an endless loop of regrets, hurt and anger. Serenity- (now would be nice!) is something to want.

Anna

It makes no difference whatsoever if what you do is not good enough for your parents. That is on them and it's their problem. You need to know that what you do is good enough for you. That's all! Don't waste your life trying to please parents who will never be satisfied.

bronzie

Thank you all so much! I've gotten it together a little more now. I will definitely keep the Serenity prayer in mind....my great grandmother had that on her wall.

Anna, you are so right....I shouldn't let their opinions and unkind words get to me like that. I'm just going to focus on being the best Mom that I can be, and make sure my own kids are happy and loved....which they are very much!

We enjoyed most of the afternoon outside, and I think that's just what I needed. To get out in nature, enjoy the fresh air, even a little drizzling rain, spend time with my baby girl, seeing her so happy, and to just breathe!