How to be supportive and non-judgemental

Old 04-08-2017, 02:38 AM
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How to be supportive and non-judgemental

Hi everyone,

I'm new here although I've been reading through the different threads on this forum for a few weeks now and it's been very helpful.

My boyfriend of 7 years has finally (after two years of alcohol abuse) decided to try to get sober. He was prescribed him diazepam for the alcohol withdrawals and anxiety, and today is the second day of no alcohol. So obviously it's still too early say what is going to happen.

I'm looking for insights or experiences from others who have gone through this. Obviously I have some difficulty believing that he's really going to change, there are lots of trust issues and probably some resentment from my side because of all the things that have already happened in the past.

I'm trying to work on my own codependency issues, and not focus too much on his issues, but it's constantly on my mind and I have not been able to sleep due to worrying about whether or not this will work, because if it doesn't I don't think we will be able to salvage our relationship.

Anyway, sorry for being long winded, I just wanted to express my feelings somewhere, it somehow feels good to write it all down.
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Old 04-08-2017, 02:56 AM
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Hi, TheHopeful, and welcome to SR. Glad you found us here, and glad you've already taken the opportunity to do some reading around the forum.

As you've probably gathered from your reading, there is not a single thing you can do that will make his efforts at recovery either succeed or fail. That is all on him. I hope you both understand that simply taking the meds (Antabuse is the common name) is not going to be any kind of long-term solution to the problem. Simply removing the alcohol from his life won't make everything hunky dory, as you've probably gleaned from your reading here. He will need a plan and support, either through AA or some other form of counseling/therapy/rehab.

Enough about him--what are you doing for yourself? Coming here is an excellent first step, and I'd like to encourage you to check into Alanon, too (AA and Alanon are 2 different entities--AA for the alcoholic, Alanon for family/spouse/friends). While he is the one w/the drinking problem, you've been affected by living w/the craziness. It's also likely that you have some issues of your own that got you into and kept you in the situation, too.

Keep reading, keep posting, and give Alanon a try. Oh--and take it one day at a time. I know you want a crystal ball right now, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that...

Wishing you strength and clarity, TheHopeful!
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Old 04-08-2017, 03:22 AM
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Hey honeypig,

Thanks for your response and kind words.

He isn't willing to try AA right now...but he has seen a therapist and I'm hoping he'll continue with that. But it's so early in that I don't really know what to expect. This is the very first time he has ever admitted he has a problem and has taken any steps towards changing so it's a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, feeling hopeful, yet also not wanting to put too much hope in it lest it all falls apart again.

I'd like to see a therapist myself, but I don't think we can afford it at this point. These forums have at least provided a small outlet for all my angst.

I was also finally able to tell my best friend about everything, as up until this point none of my close friends or family knew to what extent things had gotten out of control. I know it's not my fault, but it still feels like a weird and shameful thing to talk about.
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Old 04-08-2017, 03:27 AM
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I think focussing on yourself is the best idea. Manage your expectations and do not ever get your hopes up. My exah has been in detox more times than I can count. He has had 3 long term rehabs. 3 months and 6 and 3 months again and is still drinking. He came out of rehab last night and is now incommunicardo after promising to take our son out today. This only means one thing. He came out and got straight back on it. My son is resigned. Exah has died 3 times due to drinking and had cpr and has serious health issues from the amount he drinks and has never found his bottom. I no longer care. I concentrate on my own life and have no thought to what he is doing except when it is forced in front of me like today.
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Old 04-08-2017, 03:53 AM
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Don't know if you found the "stickies" in your wanderings yet, TH. They are at the top of the page--threads that have been deemed so universally helpful that they're "stickied" there, for ease of reference.

Since it sounds like your A really has no plan for his own recovery, and since it sounds like you don't have one for yours either (a saying you'll hear a lot around here is "Hope is not a plan"), you may be looking at a rocky period of time. These threads from the stickies might be useful to you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

For me, the combo of SR and Alanon was a good one, and I will again suggest Alanon for you regardless of what AH does or doesn't do himself. I will also mention that it costs nothing except the dollar or two donation that you can choose to give or not. It's an hour of your time, and worth checking into.
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Old 04-08-2017, 03:56 AM
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TheHopeful......most county social services have provisions for services to families where addiction or alcoholism is an issue....free or low fee sliding scale...
Just google county government and get the name of a social worker and phone number to call....
Of course, alanon is free...and, it is very therapeutic...

I agree, that if he is unwilling to even go to AA...the prospects for him grabbing hold of recovery look more dim.....
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Old 04-08-2017, 04:16 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
TheHopeful......most county social services have provisions for services to families where addiction or alcoholism is an issue....free or low fee sliding scale...
That's a good thought, dandy, thanks for posting.
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Old 04-08-2017, 04:59 AM
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Welcome to the forum. That is a solid step he took to get the detox covered, but the recovery is where the real work comes into play.
He needs to get into AA, outpatient rehab, or become an active member of this forum to keep the sobriety in tact, otherwise everything will fall apart back to square one.
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Old 04-08-2017, 05:08 AM
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Welcome

Usually Valium should only be prescribed for a short time so as to help with getting sober. Some drunks will end up mixing their prescribed drugs with booze and become cross addicted. I was one of these and have seen many be destroyed this way.

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Old 04-08-2017, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I hope you both understand that simply taking the meds (Antabuse is the common name) is not going to be any kind of long-term solution to the problem.
Actually, diazepam is the generic name for Valium, not Antabuse (the generic name for which is disulfiram). Valium is for withdrawals and anxiety, not to prevent someone from drinking--it's just for the physical discomfort of withdrawal.

Welcome, Hopeful,

I'd second the suggestion of Al-Anon for you. Its purpose isn't to teach you how to get him sober (or be "supportive" so he stays that way), but rather to help you heal from the effects of living with someone else's alcoholism.

Everyone has to start somewhere. His TRYING to get sober now is a mildly hopeful sign (unless it was just an effort to get you off his back). But it takes most of us (I'm eight years sober and have been married to two alcoholics--one of whom is now sober 37 years and the other who went back to drinking) a few tries and maybe several years to finally succeed. I spent four years trying to "control" my drinking after I was willing to admit there was a problem, so just the fact that he's trying to STOP is, as I said, somewhat encouraging.

You don't have to decide anything permanent this minute. As honeypig said, none of us has a crystal ball, so it's hard to say what the future holds. The more you focus on your own well-being, though, and the less you try to manage his recovery (or his drinking, if this first effort isn't successful), the better off you will be.
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Old 04-08-2017, 05:41 AM
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I think your feelings are normal response to what sounds like quit a bit of time dealing with instability and probably some chaos? I think your idea of therapy for yourself is a good idea if you can do it. I used that for myself and found it helpful. I tried Alanon. It is a program for family members. Its based on beliefs of AA and I found it didnt tie into much of what I was learning in therapy with Addiction specialist, so I stopped after a while as it caused too much emotional conflict for me. However, It can be a place to meet people and vent during the share session.

I regret that I didnt reach out to my family and friends. The people who knew me & knew my husband. Sometimes I know people can be judgmental, over protective and make things harder for you both, but its something to think about if you havent yet done this.

My husband tried and fell down several times. I think if you do some research about addiction you will see its common. Its not really failure because its part of the process. So in terms of being supportive and non-judgmental -- I think its good to recognize that he is admitting a problem and has taken steps to find a solution. That is really BIG. With my husband what helped me was when he told me his plan, and I felt like he was open to altering the plan if it wasnt working well for him. They can get really frustrated too if they try and find its harder than they thought, or worse if they slip. Its hard to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start trying again - Maybe with an adjustment here or there.

So educating yourself on the process of change is something I did through therapy. Think of times when you tried to change a behavior and the feelings associated. When I think of this I know at times I needed support, and at other times I needed space. I also know I learned from my mistakes but sometimes it took a while. Thats how my husband was during this process. AND thats how Ive also been coping as I face this journey with him.

My husband tried an outpatient but it was hard because he was working , then he got into an inpatient but hated it, and also did not like AA forced on him and he left that program. He has stuck with therapy and seems to like it. Ive seen positive change, and he is doing well. Therapy is good because it can deal with more than the alcohol abuse and get into underlying issues, coping skills, and even help them deal with their part in relationship issues.

This is getting too long so I will stop. One last comment to make is that while his journey may be smooth or bumpy.. what you said in your post makes me think you are almost at the end of your rope.. just remember that you have to do whats best for yourself. There was a time when I had to physically leave for a while because my husbands behaviors were so bad. I came back, and that was also a choice. I have no regrets over that and we are working together on things now. Family counseling might also help you both at some point.

Please message me if you ever want to chat.
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Old 04-08-2017, 05:49 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Actually, diazepam is the generic name for Valium, not Antabuse (the generic name for which is disulfiram). Valium is for withdrawals and anxiety, not to prevent someone from drinking--it's just for the physical discomfort of withdrawal.
That's what I get for trusting to memory and not looking it up--sorry for the error. However, NEITHER drug is a "cure" for alcoholism, unfortunately.
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Old 04-08-2017, 06:03 AM
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I just wanted to share one more story about my first husband. When we met in college, he was 18 and I was 20. We were together for a couple of years till I graduated, and then I moved back to my hometown while he stayed where we had been going to school, about an hour and a half away.

He was an insane drinker from the time I met him. I was drinking a lot, myself, and in college it just seemed like the thing to do. When I graduated, though, and stopped my partying, it became obvious how bad and uncontrollable his drinking had become. I'd beg him not to drink for the weekends we were together, but he'd get off the bus with a bottle of brandy in a paper bag. He wrecked my car, driving drunk without a license, driving into a tree.

A co-worker of mine gave me her copy of AA's Big Book, suggesting that I give it to him to read. I read it, and he read it--we both recognized HIM in the pages. He was reluctant to go to AA, and insisted he wanted to try on his own, first. That didn't work. He agreed to go to one meeting to see what it was about. I went with him (which I don't necessarily recommend), and we both liked the people, and the meeting, but he again wanted to try on his own.

When that effort went south, I said I needed a break from the relationship because I couldn't deal with it any more. I said three months, and we'll see where we are at.

During that time, he went to AA ON HIS OWN, and quit drinking. He was 21 years old. He's still involved with AA, never picked up another drink, and just celebrated 37 years of sobriety.

So there ARE success stories. We eventually divorced, for reasons that had nothing to do with his alcoholism, and we are good friends to this day. He was a terrific husband, and a great dad to our kids. And when my own alcoholism materialized much later in life, he was a role model and a support for me when I recovered.

Of course, not every story has a happy ending. My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of alcohol-related causes, and I eventually had to leave. As far as I know, he's still drinking himself to death, and it's been 20 years.
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Old 04-08-2017, 06:49 AM
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Glad you found us, welcome.

I personally do not believe that you should use one chemical solution in an attempt to fix a problem from another chemical issue.

The fact he does not want to attend AA and only see a therapist should be setting off your radar with warnings. Not saying AA is the only program to help support sobriety but it's one of the biggest and if he's shying away from that, he probably has other plans or is not fully ready to truly quit.

With that being said, your focus should be one you to get yourself independent of this relationship and not defined by it. Al-anon would be good, therapy, counseling anything you can do for you that does not relate to him.
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Old 04-08-2017, 08:54 AM
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hopeful, concentrate of living your own life and let his recovery be his own business. Once you start fussing, monitoring or over thinking how you should behave you're showing a lack of faith in his ability to deal with it himself.

Have confidence in him, until he shows you otherwise and let him get on with it. As for the issues of resentment about the past, if he remains sober you may be able to do some couples counselling to clear the air.
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Old 04-08-2017, 08:02 PM
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this might sound counter-intuitive, but you do not HAVE to SUPPORT anything. when we codependents say "support" we mean - what can i fix or do or say or bake or buy to make sure THEY never drink again. because that has become our mission.....to chase their drinking problem around - like brooms to bats.

when they make moves to get sober, our anxiety level can INCREASE. our JOB has been to count the beers, watch the bank account, gauge the slurred speech, try to time dinner, try to mold life AROUND their drinking and not rock the boat. but if they get sober.......

WHAT ARE WE TO DO THEN? they are taking our JOB away from us. so we want to make their sobriety our job too.

when all along it was and is THEIR job to own.
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Old 04-09-2017, 04:00 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
when we codependents say "support" we mean - what can i fix or do or say or bake or buy to make sure THEY never drink again. because that has become our mission.....to chase their drinking problem around - like brooms to bats.
Truer words were never spoken, Anvil!

I remember sitting at the computer, searching the AA site for the meetings that would be the absolute most convenient for XAH to attend, b/c he was unwilling to do anything that inconvenienced him or affected his routine in any way.

Turned out the reason he was so set on preserving his routine was that he'd never stopped drinking and had no plans to. And in fact was not even going to meetings, just leaving the house for an appropriate amount of time and then coming home w/stories of the "meeting", as I found out later. I guess if you're not even actually attending the meeting, it doesn't much matter how close or convenient it is, right?
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Old 04-09-2017, 05:57 AM
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The Hopeful- good intent needs to be supported with action. That means, for me- daily on the ground support. A plan on what to do when I am in physical pain, grieving, lonely- whatever. A counsellor for me is good- but it is not daily. No one support is -except SR. I hated the idea of AA- the label, the myths. BUT his choices- not yours. So many wise words already, look after YOU first. You are not his mum, he is not a child. Diaz. is only to stop the physical stuff, but is not a long term measure for sobriety.
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Old 04-09-2017, 06:00 AM
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oops- so make sure you do not put your life on hold. Stuff like promotions, studying, holidays with friends- in the long term. You do not want to be responsible (which you cannot and are not) for what he does. So if he does not feel good one day, or does not to a therapy session- it is not fair to blame you. Empathy and support to you. Empathy for your partner. Keep posting.
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Old 04-09-2017, 11:11 PM
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Hi,

Your post struck a chord in me because I am going through a very similar process. I agree with what everyone else has said, just wanted to add that the sharing and telling the family/friends can be an important step. You might feel a great burden lifted if you don't have to hide from your near and dear ones. And even if people don't know enough about alcoholism, they should be supportive (if they aren't you might want to reevaluate their place in your life).
Your boyfriend's admitting to a problem is a big first step but it sounds like he is still some way away from fully accepting the situation and genuinely deciding to do something about it. In the meantime you have to take care of yourself; walking away or at least separating for a while etc might be something to consider. When things got just too out of hand I asked my AW to move out for at least 6 months. It's only been a month but I've been feeling so much more relaxed and free, and I think - and she agrees - that it was the best thing to finally get her moving towards recovery. Of course it may not last, or it may not work for your bf and he might fight you, but that is not something you can control. You need to focus on your own happiness. The decisions you make have to be about what is best for YOU, not about what you think might help him.
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