Coping with loneliness
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Coping with loneliness
It's been two months since my AXBF ran off after a kinda sorta-breakup and I have started seeing a therapist along with Al-Anon whenever possible but I feel empty and lonely ALL the time. When I think back, I see that I've been in relationships which were clearly not right for me but stayed due to the fear of being with myself. Alone. I also feel like I don't know what "normal" is. I don't know if feeling lonely all the time is normal. As long as I can remember, I've never felt normal. I felt unsure about my jobs, my life, my relationships and felt this dark cloud over my head all the time. I am going to be discussing this with my therapist when I see him next. I worry that it could be some mental illness or depression or something. I am also unsure if I'd ever find someone. The AXBF has messed me up for sure because I am constantly worried that people around me are also manipulators. I have alienated everyone. I just feel like I don't know who I am. Maybe I never knew who I was. If I think about what makes me happy, I can't think of a single thing. It's so scary.
I just want to know how to be happy with myself. How to improve my self-worth and self-respect?
I just want to know how to be happy with myself. How to improve my self-worth and self-respect?
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I know the loneliness is scary, but use this alone time to discover yourself. You said you don't know what makes you happy, find out! Go get your nails did. Go kayaking, go on an adventure by yourself. Find a barn near you and take riding lessons, go to the pound and walk dogs and play with kittens. Go shopping and buy all the clothes. Take yourself out on dates, find new favorite restaurants and eat alone (I know that sounds scary, but take a good book and try to enjoy it). Eat ice cream out of the tub in your undies and go on a netflix binge! The possibilities are endless! 
<3
You will learn to love yourself the way you've never loved yourself before, this alone time can be a new beginning for you.
<3 You will learn to love yourself the way you've never loved yourself before, this alone time can be a new beginning for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
working with a therapist on these issues is an EXCELLENT action. it won't happen over night. it's a process. peeling back those layers of the onion.
you aren't alone. i think most of us here feel like something is either outright WRONG with us, or at least "not quite right". we have some holes to fill. low self esteem. lack of confidence. fear.
baby steps. stay away from toxic people.
you aren't alone. i think most of us here feel like something is either outright WRONG with us, or at least "not quite right". we have some holes to fill. low self esteem. lack of confidence. fear.
baby steps. stay away from toxic people.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hi Ituvia. I know exactly how you feel. It's not pleasant to be by yourself when a person is used to being in a relationship of some kind or other over a long period of time. I've had the same thing happen to me. Begin a relationship with someone who I knew was the wrong kind of person for me just to keep from being alone, or botching a relationship with someone who probably was the right kind of person for me just out of my own selfishness and stupidity. For the longest time I just could not under any circumstances picture myself single, without a romantic interest in my life. I'd lunge at any opportunity at all, no matter how feeble, just to keep from being alone. In hindsight, I was looking for someone to fill me up. Someone else to take away that ache and emptiness and to fill that big gaping hole inside of me. Problem is, the more I sought for someone else to fill that hole inside me, the bigger and more pronounced it became. Now that I'm on my own for the very first time in my life, I realize that as much as I would like a relationship, that's not going to take away the loneliness and the hole inside me. I have to do that myself. I have to search and find what it is that is really going to fill me. That's different for everyone. But I know I won't find it in someone else. And asking someone else to do that for me is an impossible task. It's putting a burden on them that they shouldn't have to bear. It's my responsibility, not theirs. For me, the answer right now is to walk alone. To bear the discomfort as best I can until I learn to be comfortable with myself as my own best friend and advocate. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely. But sometimes going thru really hard situations is the only way out of them. Not to go around them or avoid them, but thru them, suckiness and all. I don't know if this helps any. Just my own experience. Wishing you well.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I hear you, ltuvia.
For me, it was a combination of therapy and taking esteemable actions. Learning to love yourself in a way that you've always looked to others to love you is a marathon, not a sprint, but the small steps really do add up.
I also consciously started spending time with people who seemed happy and confident and seemed to genuinely just like me for who I was (even if I didn't always understand why). I let go of a lot of toxic relationships. I took care of myself physically. I wrote a book. I spent time outside. I told myself, every day, "What other people think of me is none of my business" until I really believed it. In therapy I delved into my family's dysfunction, my role in it, and how I brought that into all of my past relationships.
The miracle happened gradually for me. My time became precious and I became very discriminatory about how I spent it rather than just giving it away to whomever asked out of fear of disappointing someone. I stopped complaining about my job and decided to see what would happen if I really gave it my 100% attention (since I had to be there 40 hours a week no matter what) -- not long after I was able to make a conscious decision to seek another position, because even after committing to 100% to doing all *I* could do to make it a better place, it was still dysfunctional in ways I could not affect (and my previous thoughts of 'no one else will ever hire me' were just a distant memory by then).
And I did all that on my own. No romantic relationships. Mind you, potential suitors were hardly beating down my door...but three years into this endeavor I found myself suddenly beseiged with offers! I kept thinking "What's changed? Why the sudden bounty?" And the fact was, *I* had changed. I was projecting confidence and faith in myself and that was attractive to people.
As it happened, I stumbled a bit getting back into dating and wound up with an alcoholic for 10 months. But the moment I really understood what I was doing--trying to find out whether my MOTHER's alcoholism was really my fault as I'd long believed--I was able to end that relationship without looking back. Which left me available to meet my now-husband, my best friend, my partner for as long as we are lucky to get.
But you know...even if I hadn't met him? I'd still be okay. More than okay, I'd be thriving. Because the most important relationship I will ever have is the one I have with myself. And whatever else happens for the rest of my life I will always have that, because I took the time to build it, to nurture it, and to let it grow, without distractions.
You can have that, too, but it's a fair amount of discomfort on the way. No one ever died from being uncomfortable, though, and it's worth every moment to get to a better, healthier place that is unwavering and true.
For me, it was a combination of therapy and taking esteemable actions. Learning to love yourself in a way that you've always looked to others to love you is a marathon, not a sprint, but the small steps really do add up.
I also consciously started spending time with people who seemed happy and confident and seemed to genuinely just like me for who I was (even if I didn't always understand why). I let go of a lot of toxic relationships. I took care of myself physically. I wrote a book. I spent time outside. I told myself, every day, "What other people think of me is none of my business" until I really believed it. In therapy I delved into my family's dysfunction, my role in it, and how I brought that into all of my past relationships.
The miracle happened gradually for me. My time became precious and I became very discriminatory about how I spent it rather than just giving it away to whomever asked out of fear of disappointing someone. I stopped complaining about my job and decided to see what would happen if I really gave it my 100% attention (since I had to be there 40 hours a week no matter what) -- not long after I was able to make a conscious decision to seek another position, because even after committing to 100% to doing all *I* could do to make it a better place, it was still dysfunctional in ways I could not affect (and my previous thoughts of 'no one else will ever hire me' were just a distant memory by then).
And I did all that on my own. No romantic relationships. Mind you, potential suitors were hardly beating down my door...but three years into this endeavor I found myself suddenly beseiged with offers! I kept thinking "What's changed? Why the sudden bounty?" And the fact was, *I* had changed. I was projecting confidence and faith in myself and that was attractive to people.
As it happened, I stumbled a bit getting back into dating and wound up with an alcoholic for 10 months. But the moment I really understood what I was doing--trying to find out whether my MOTHER's alcoholism was really my fault as I'd long believed--I was able to end that relationship without looking back. Which left me available to meet my now-husband, my best friend, my partner for as long as we are lucky to get.
But you know...even if I hadn't met him? I'd still be okay. More than okay, I'd be thriving. Because the most important relationship I will ever have is the one I have with myself. And whatever else happens for the rest of my life I will always have that, because I took the time to build it, to nurture it, and to let it grow, without distractions.
You can have that, too, but it's a fair amount of discomfort on the way. No one ever died from being uncomfortable, though, and it's worth every moment to get to a better, healthier place that is unwavering and true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I completely relate to what you have written. There are no easy answers and there is no way to fast forward thru the pain. You are taking great steps forward. Keep going to meetings and seeing your therapist. Try to get out. Make yourself meet up with a friend or read a magazine or do something else that you you find relaxing. Keep posting here. This forum is full of amazing people who understand and want the best for each of us!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
It sucks. It is indescribably painful.
I understand completely. I had to go on meds to cope. I initially resisted but knew I needed help and it was okay for me to take it. I still have my crying jags. Had one as I was reading your post. The visions of my husband in bed and loving someone else is a bitter pill to swallow. Really, mucks up your self esteem.
I realized one day last week that I hadn't taken Xanax that day. And some days I don't need them at all. I consider that progress.
Go to therapy ( I go to Family with my sons and individual)
go to Alanon, read self help books, keep looking at SR posts.
Pray. All that is good.
It is only now 2.5 mos since he left, that I realized that I need to do some fun stuff too. I also find this hard to do. Finding your joy can be elusive at this early stage. But, as I read the posts of the folks that are farther along and came through it, I am encouraged that I will.
Does burning his clothes in the chiminea count? Too bad it's so windy today...lol
Much good luck to you
I understand completely. I had to go on meds to cope. I initially resisted but knew I needed help and it was okay for me to take it. I still have my crying jags. Had one as I was reading your post. The visions of my husband in bed and loving someone else is a bitter pill to swallow. Really, mucks up your self esteem.
I realized one day last week that I hadn't taken Xanax that day. And some days I don't need them at all. I consider that progress.
Go to therapy ( I go to Family with my sons and individual)
go to Alanon, read self help books, keep looking at SR posts.
Pray. All that is good.
It is only now 2.5 mos since he left, that I realized that I need to do some fun stuff too. I also find this hard to do. Finding your joy can be elusive at this early stage. But, as I read the posts of the folks that are farther along and came through it, I am encouraged that I will.
Does burning his clothes in the chiminea count? Too bad it's so windy today...lol
Much good luck to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I am finding it so hard to not think of all the things we did together. We took numerous trips with our dogs and we backpacked four countries. One trip as recent as December 
I've kicked him out so many times but always took him back but this time he left and hasn't even bothered to ask about the dogs. I feel scared all the time. People used to think I am a strong person but I am just breaking down every hour and crying.
I've kicked him out so many times but always took him back but this time he left and hasn't even bothered to ask about the dogs. I feel scared all the time. People used to think I am a strong person but I am just breaking down every hour and crying.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Ituvia,
The dog thing, I can relate. We slept with our little dogs every night. One is almost 14 yrs old and has had health problems. When he first left, I sent him a pic of both dogs.
He has never once asked our sons (he refuses to talk to me) about how the dogs are. WTF! Both boys drive now, so they could bring the dogs to see him. Nope, it is as if they, along with myself do not exist.
Of course he is sleeping with a new dog (Home wrecking ho), so I guess he isn't missing them.
At least you got the dogs!!! Ultimately, more loyal!
Dina
The dog thing, I can relate. We slept with our little dogs every night. One is almost 14 yrs old and has had health problems. When he first left, I sent him a pic of both dogs.
He has never once asked our sons (he refuses to talk to me) about how the dogs are. WTF! Both boys drive now, so they could bring the dogs to see him. Nope, it is as if they, along with myself do not exist.
Of course he is sleeping with a new dog (Home wrecking ho), so I guess he isn't missing them.
At least you got the dogs!!! Ultimately, more loyal!
Dina
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
Ituvia- loneliness sucks. To me- it is my inability to be at peace with myself. It means going outside of my safety zone (which used to be drinking and isolating) and doing what I can to adapt to a new world. Every day. I found- for me, depression- which I have is kept in bearable parameters with a-d's monitored carefully with my counsellor and doc. Your self respect and esteem comes from you. Not from others. A hard one for me to work on, but necessary.
Support to you, keep posting.
Support to you, keep posting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What are you doing with your time alone BESIDES sitting around replaying your relationship in your head?
I'm not suggesting it is easy, or comfortable at first. I'm not suggesting it's even possible to banish every thought of him from your mind. But constantly running the tape will keep you stuck. Try some activities that require some concentration on other things. Redecorate your home, for instance--changing the look of your surroundings can give you a "fresh start" feeling. Take a class--cooking, pottery making, basket weaving, learn a language. That has the advantage of widening your social circle to include people who never knew you as part of a couple.
Seriously, grieving is appropriate, but you shouldn't spend every waking non-working moment dwelling on it.
I'm not suggesting it is easy, or comfortable at first. I'm not suggesting it's even possible to banish every thought of him from your mind. But constantly running the tape will keep you stuck. Try some activities that require some concentration on other things. Redecorate your home, for instance--changing the look of your surroundings can give you a "fresh start" feeling. Take a class--cooking, pottery making, basket weaving, learn a language. That has the advantage of widening your social circle to include people who never knew you as part of a couple.
Seriously, grieving is appropriate, but you shouldn't spend every waking non-working moment dwelling on it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I am not doing anything at the moment. I don't go out. I don't even know where to go because everything reminds me of him. I went out and had a breakdown and returned home in tears.
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
What are you doing with your time alone BESIDES sitting around replaying your relationship in your head?
I'm not suggesting it is easy, or comfortable at first. I'm not suggesting it's even possible to banish every thought of him from your mind. But constantly running the tape will keep you stuck. Try some activities that require some concentration on other things. Redecorate your home, for instance--changing the look of your surroundings can give you a "fresh start" feeling. Take a class--cooking, pottery making, basket weaving, learn a language. That has the advantage of widening your social circle to include people who never knew you as part of a couple.
Seriously, grieving is appropriate, but you shouldn't spend every waking non-working moment dwelling on it.
I'm not suggesting it is easy, or comfortable at first. I'm not suggesting it's even possible to banish every thought of him from your mind. But constantly running the tape will keep you stuck. Try some activities that require some concentration on other things. Redecorate your home, for instance--changing the look of your surroundings can give you a "fresh start" feeling. Take a class--cooking, pottery making, basket weaving, learn a language. That has the advantage of widening your social circle to include people who never knew you as part of a couple.
Seriously, grieving is appropriate, but you shouldn't spend every waking non-working moment dwelling on it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Are you going places and doing things you used to do TOGETHER? My point is to do some things that DON'T remind you of him. Different things. Spend some time thinking of things you're going to wish you had done or accomplished in your life. Everything doesn't have to be shared with a partner. Your life isn't over because this one relationship didn't work out. There will be other relationships. Spend some time getting to know YOU. You weren't put on this planet solely for the purpose of being in a relationship with a specific person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I know and I understand that. My previous relationships didn't send me into depression like this one. My therapist feels there is some underlying depression too. I've been put on SSRIs for now but had a freak out on the first day so he reduced my dosage. I feel like no one really cares. I *want* to be able to live alone and not be in a relationship because I am scared of being alone. I just don't know where to start.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Are you going places and doing things you used to do TOGETHER? My point is to do some things that DON'T remind you of him. Different things. Spend some time thinking of things you're going to wish you had done or accomplished in your life. Everything doesn't have to be shared with a partner. Your life isn't over because this one relationship didn't work out. There will be other relationships. Spend some time getting to know YOU. You weren't put on this planet solely for the purpose of being in a relationship with a specific person.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And here's one more thing to think about. If you go out and you start to feel bad, the answer isn't to go home and cry so you can think some more about how terrible you feel. That's exactly like the alcoholic's running to pick up a drink when sobriety gets uncomfortable (trust me, I know this). You are reinforcing the problem. You have to push through those feelings of discomfort.
I remember the first time I went to a concert (one of my favorite bands) after I'd been sober. It felt very weird--not right at all, and I didn't have a great time. I went to another, and to another, and just let myself feel weird. After two or three solo sober concerts, I started enjoying myself, enjoying the music. I didn't need a drink to enjoy it. I now love going to concerts, do not miss drinking one bit and I go to a lot of them alone. If I'd gone home, or picked up a drink to feel comfortable, I never would have gotten past it.
I remember the first time I went to a concert (one of my favorite bands) after I'd been sober. It felt very weird--not right at all, and I didn't have a great time. I went to another, and to another, and just let myself feel weird. After two or three solo sober concerts, I started enjoying myself, enjoying the music. I didn't need a drink to enjoy it. I now love going to concerts, do not miss drinking one bit and I go to a lot of them alone. If I'd gone home, or picked up a drink to feel comfortable, I never would have gotten past it.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
Ituvia- I am alone for the first time in my entire life. BUT like me- there is a supportive community of people- here. Living, breathing real people. People who share and support. That is a start, is it not? To be able to post here- and read what other people, all over the world are doing, now. Not in the past- but now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
SR is the only thing that's keeping me going. Most of the people/friends keep asking me to "gather myself" and "get over it" when I mentioned about the therapist and meds. I had an anxiety attack at work on the first day on the meds which gave me suicidal thoughts and my friend asked me to pull myself together. I feel like I can't reach out to any of them. They think it's trivial and tell me that people break up all the time and no matter how long you've been together, you just have to accept that it's over. I can't even accept that I am *****ng alone with my dogs and in debt. My folks worry about me constantly so I have to put up a front. I hate myself for giving someone so much power to hurt me and to walk out on me when it should've been me. My sister is having a baby and in a happy marriage while I've had series of failed relationships even though I gave my everything with my AXBF. He didn't think I was worth changing for. Even after telling me that he feels the same despair like me, he is now off galavanting and drinking and going on *****ng treks. I want to hate him. I want to think I am better than this. I want to be able to look him in the eye and ask him to f*ck off but I keep going back and forth. Just pathetic with no self respect or self worth. I think I held on because I didn't want to admit that this is yet another failed relationship. And because I thought this is it. FML.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
NO NOT PATHETIC. You are grieving. That takes time. And courage and bravery. Breathing for me helps get through that minute with anxiety. Lots of tools in the Sticky's on this. Being mindful Also keeping a journal helps me- as does painting- art, not walls.
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