BreezyBoo

Hi guys...

I've been in every corner of the internet, trying to find answers/advice of some sort. But, I can read it all until I am blue in the face, I think I need some real advice now.

Please, bare with me.. Another morning that I'm close to tears because of him.

My ex (or, on/off) partner has issues, I get that and I support him in that. Or, I try to.

He is 40+ and had drank and used recreational drugs for most of his adult life (drinking is much more frequent) We were together for 12 months before the pinnacle moment that soul destroyed me.

For the majority of our relationship, he drank, most days. I didn't see the problem at first as I presumed it was the "ice breaking" part of the new relationship. But, it got worse and worse.
Arguments started, vile and derogatory name calling. I can't explain how bad the messages were, seeing is believing in this instance. But, after every 3 day binge, came the apologies and promises.
I fell for them each and every time.

I then discovered I was pregnant. What should have been the most wonderful 9 months, was the worst!

Drinking increased and the lies started (I'm not drunk etc)

At 12 weeks pregnant, he was arrested as police witnessed him man handling me. Charged with a common assault.

I thought that would be an eye opener for him. Still at this point, pleading with him to stop drinking.

It didn't.

At 6.5 months pregnant, he brutally attacked me. I HAD to walk away at that point.

So, fast forwarding... He got a 12 month sentence (and served half) for the assault on myself. He missed the birth of his daughter and a few other things. Think I was more heartbroken to be honest.

I STILL tried to support him, in a friendship capacity.
Well, that brings me to today. In the depths of dispair. He's crushing me and I don't feel I can escape it.
I can't help someone that lies about everything and believes their lies?

Does it EVER get better? Or is this him?
I'm so sorry for waffling on with myself.
X

LexieCat

It's him. He is obviously an abuser, in addition to being an alcoholic.

When he was charged and tried, did you work with an advocate? If so, I suggest reaching out to that person again. If not, contact your local shelter and talk with someone.

Look, he assaulted you--twice--when you were PREGNANT. You need a protective order in place. It's not safe for you to have ANY relationship with him. He verbally and emotionally abused you before it escalated. It will NOT get better with him. It can get a LOT better for you and your child if you decide to protect both of you.

He doesn't need or want your "support," so let go of that idea. An advocate can set you up with counseling or a support group for YOU to help you heal from the effects of this abusive relationship.

BreezyBoo

Sorry, I should have stated that I have no contact with him in person and I won't allow him to see his daughter unless it's via family courts.

The contact was from him, evidently been drinking again and was the usual horrible crap. See, I agree 100% with what you said but, other people say to me that it's the drink and that he doesn't mean it. They say he needs support. I cannot mentally doit any longer though. He doesn't seem to care (as you stated).

Think I needed a reality check again to be honest. It's all too easy for him to blame the alcohol when he sees fit.

Thanks for your reply x

LexieCat

One other thing. If he served "half his sentence," presumably he's on parole. There is more than likely a condition requiring him to have no contact with you, as well as alcohol-related conditions.

He OUGHT to be held accountable for those violations, though I suspect you aren't interested right now in having him arrested. At the very least, though, you should be protecting yourself.

LexieCat

"Other people" aren't living your life, and they also don't understand abuse. Abuse is a completely SEPARATE issue from the drinking. I do this work professionally, and have for many years (prosecution of violence against women). Even if the abuse is worse when he's drinking, getting him sober won't address the underlying sense of entitlement and control that leads him to be abusive.

If his friends want to support him, great. Let them do it. It isn't your job and it puts you at risk--emotionally, even if you aren't in physical contact.

BreezyBoo

You know What, you're bloody right!!

So many are excusing things because of drink that everything else has become irrelevant.

Sometimes, having an outsider look in, really helps!

Thanks, again

Maudcat

Welcome, Breezyboo. I don't know who is telling you that he needs support. Family, friends? That is really an outdated and dangerous way of thinking. Kinda "stand by your man" stuff that belongs in a country and western song, not in real life.
Be your best self for you and your child. Your ex, as I read your post, is best left to himself. Peace.

honeypig

Breezy, I'm glad you found us here at SR. I'm going to piggyback on the comment about the "stand by your man" thing--there is nothing heroic or romantic about hanging around to "support" someone who abuses you, and he's not going to suddenly straighten up in awe of your self-sacrificing actions and get his crap together.

As Lexie said, she has tons of experience in this area thru her professional life. Many other members here have lived with and left abusers, too, and I'm sure they will stop in to say a few words as well.

I hope you keep coming back to post and read, as I think there is a LOT here that will resonate w/you and help you stick to your decision to protect yourself and your child.

dandylion

BrezyBoo......the people who are telling you these things are totally ignorant of what they are talking about...On this subject of abuse...and alcoholism...ignorance abounds!
Best to talk only to those who are experienced and have been through it themselves. These are the people who truly understand and can have y our best welfare at heart....

AnvilheadII

if it helps.....remember that when he brutally attacked you WHILE you were pregnant, he attacked the baby. he may as well have punched the infant in the head. that neither of your were too seriously hurt - or worse - is a miracle.

i'll just say it. this "man" is not worth it. block him every way you can. keep him far far away from you and the baby. move to Antarctica if you must.

maia1234

BB,
Welcome and glad you found us. I agree with the other posters, you are not only thinking of yourself now, its the baby also. Her safety is the utmost important thing in your life. Please don't take any chances and jeopardize your, or her safety. He tried to hurt you and the baby, he could do it again.

Could you imagine if anything happened to you, that he could fight for custody. Please seek therapy and support for all you have gone through. You are a survivor my friend, keep moving forward, without your baby daddy!! He is not worth any space in your brain!!!

SimplyFree

There are lots of types of abuses, physical, emotional, financial, and the all involve manipulation. Behavior is the only truth. If he is sorry or cares or really loves you.....He needs to deal with the alcohol, and he needs counseling for anger and domestic violence...now. Talk doesn't mean anything....nothing. That being said....."once the dog bites...You can never trust it again." Protect your daughter...Move on. Just my opinion......

aliciagr

Sorry for what your going through Breezy. I thought Id post because my husband was abusive when he was actively using. I think there are two things I see. First, all of the professionals Ive talked to have said that family support is important to someone with an addiction and while they go through recovery. BUT the catch is that you have to take care of yourself first. When my husbands behavior became dangerous then I had to physically leave because I couldnt take the risk of being around him, I think your in the same situation possibly and to this day it looks like nothing has changed with his behavior due to the recent nasty texts. There is too much potential for danger.
I wanted to comment because I dont think the people in your life are trying to mislead you, but I cant believe they think you should put yourself in harms way. To be honest, I would tend to believe there is more than alcoholism going on with him. Possibly something psychological that hasnt been diagnosed? If you want to be supportive, then do what you can like saying a prayer. Maybe in the future if he takes some action that proves he has changed, gets some help.. then it would be safe for you to express different form of support or have contact, but I dont think now is the time.

LexieCat

Very few abusers have psychological disorders. Most behave the way they do because they CAN and because they learned somewhere they have the right to treat their partners the way they do.

PuzzledHeart

My nanny abused me when I was a child. When I revealed it, my sister told me I was exaggerating. My dad told me to forgive her. Now when I think about it, my dad hasn't really mentioned anything since it has become clear my sister has descended into drugs.

I mention this because I'm not surprised that you are getting this reaction. But just because they say "support him", it doesn't mean you have to listen.

If people feel he needs support, then they themselves should provide it. If they say it's not their place, you can say it's not your place either. He abused you while you were pregnant - he shows evidence that he is beholden to uncontrollable rage. Why should they expect you to put yourself and your child at harm's way AGAIN? What are you, their guinea pig? Would they be the ones taking the consequences if something happens to your daughter? Would they be explaining to Child Protective Services why you chose to go back to him? Would they go on the stand and testify on your behalf that they encouraged you to continue a relationship with him?

The more I think about this, the madder I get on your behalf.
You've been through enough.