Need to tell someone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Need to tell someone
I know this is off topic but I need to talk. I have posted about my father before and how he suffers from chronic back pain and depression. Well he ran out of his pain medication and because I refused to take him to an extremely bad section of town last Saturday night at 10:30 pm to someones house that he knows has pain medication I am now the bad daughter only now he's getting worse. I went to pick up his dirty clothes on Sunday and he had gone with his neighbor to the store. Since we haven't been getting along I haven't been cleaning his apartment. When I walked in, I was speechless. I have never seen such a mess. It was absolutely horrible. I picked up the trash, straightened up a bit, got his dirty clothes and left. Well he has now accused me of stealing $500 from his apartment when I picked up his clothes. He called at 1:00 am, I didn't answer the phone so he left the message that he can't understand why I'm stealing from him, how common I am, blah blah blah. He left another message at 7:30 this morning saying if I didn't bring his money back today he was going to have me arrested. At 11:00 this morning he left me a message saying that his father was a common SOB and I'm just like him. He also said again how common I am, I shouldn't be stealing from him, I've been stealing from him for a long time, and he hopes he never sees me again. Under his breath I also heard him say MF'er. I have never heard my father say that before especially not to me. I have done everything for this man. I've spent my own money on him many, many times. I've paid his bills for him, cleaned his apartment, done his laundry, took off from work to take him to the doctor. I'm sorry I'm rambling but this is so frustrating and it hurts. I don't know how much more I can take from him. My doctor put me on Lexapro a couple of months ago because of him. 
I feel so sorry for him but I can't let him do this to me anymore. He had the Visiting Nurses coming in for awhile but made them stop because they bugged him. I am his only child. Do I have to just cut all ties with him and let him do the best he can on his own? Any suggestions?
I feel so sorry for him but I can't let him do this to me anymore. He had the Visiting Nurses coming in for awhile but made them stop because they bugged him. I am his only child. Do I have to just cut all ties with him and let him do the best he can on his own? Any suggestions?
See my horse, Angel!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Land of Cheese
Posts: 45
:rose Your not alone hun, you hang in there! I can't get over how much we have in common. If you EVER want to email me and talk let me know. My shoulder is here for you.
I am also the only child, and my Mother passed away about 2 yrs ago. She did EVERYTHING for the household because she was very controling. My Dad didn't have a clue how to write a check, pay bills, anything till I been showing him!! So when she passed I had to try to figure out it all and it was horrible. I barely could make heads or tails.
She was VERY private and secretive and that meant more to her, then trying to explain things when she knew she didn't have much longer to live. So I could help my Dad. If you can't tell I have SO much resentment about the whole thing.
Now his memory is SO bad words can't even express. But his WHOLE focus on life has become his checkbook and his money. He does nothing but go over his checks that come back from the bank. It is an obssession!!
He accuses ME of writing checks and shows me the check, it is in HIS hand writing. He took out a LARGE amount of cash and put it into some thing the bank talked him into. A month later he calls and accuses ME of the one who took that money that was not in his checking account. I am not on his account, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to!!!
I could go on and on. I have tried so hard to help him and be there for him. I have tried to dicusss going to a laywer to help get things in order to protect him and me. He is 82 yrs old!!! I think it is time. I DO NOT want to be left in the dark like my Mother left me about everything.
I feel so hopeless about this. Dealing with that and my AH is why I am had a breakdown 2 weeks ago.
I am also the only child, and my Mother passed away about 2 yrs ago. She did EVERYTHING for the household because she was very controling. My Dad didn't have a clue how to write a check, pay bills, anything till I been showing him!! So when she passed I had to try to figure out it all and it was horrible. I barely could make heads or tails.
She was VERY private and secretive and that meant more to her, then trying to explain things when she knew she didn't have much longer to live. So I could help my Dad. If you can't tell I have SO much resentment about the whole thing.
Now his memory is SO bad words can't even express. But his WHOLE focus on life has become his checkbook and his money. He does nothing but go over his checks that come back from the bank. It is an obssession!!
He accuses ME of writing checks and shows me the check, it is in HIS hand writing. He took out a LARGE amount of cash and put it into some thing the bank talked him into. A month later he calls and accuses ME of the one who took that money that was not in his checking account. I am not on his account, I couldn't do anything if I wanted to!!!
I could go on and on. I have tried so hard to help him and be there for him. I have tried to dicusss going to a laywer to help get things in order to protect him and me. He is 82 yrs old!!! I think it is time. I DO NOT want to be left in the dark like my Mother left me about everything.
I feel so hopeless about this. Dealing with that and my AH is why I am had a breakdown 2 weeks ago.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey luv,
It seems to me that the ones that are closest to us put the most blame on us. It is a heavy burden to have a parent tell us we are incapable, wrong, or bad. I put a lot of stock in what my parents thought of me, until I began to understand that their pain wasn't about me. Then I started to look at them as emotionally and spiritually sick.
I still struggle with how I choose to interact with them. They are disruptive and constantly invite me into their craziness. It is hard not to take those invitations. They're my parents. But when I detach and try to see them as people, and not put them on a pedestal, I can deal with them a little better.
The holidays seem especially hard for me in dealing with them. They whip themselves into a frenzy and become very demanding and disruptive. And people who are not in recovery think I am a meany for the way I deal with them. That is why it is important for me to have a recovery support group like Al-Anon and this forum. I don't have to feel all alone in my decisions to decline the invitation to feel bad.
You have to make your own decision on how much you will allow your dad to disrupt your life. You have the choice how bad you let him make you feel. I know for me, it is a constant balancing act. Hugs, Magic
It seems to me that the ones that are closest to us put the most blame on us. It is a heavy burden to have a parent tell us we are incapable, wrong, or bad. I put a lot of stock in what my parents thought of me, until I began to understand that their pain wasn't about me. Then I started to look at them as emotionally and spiritually sick.
I still struggle with how I choose to interact with them. They are disruptive and constantly invite me into their craziness. It is hard not to take those invitations. They're my parents. But when I detach and try to see them as people, and not put them on a pedestal, I can deal with them a little better.
The holidays seem especially hard for me in dealing with them. They whip themselves into a frenzy and become very demanding and disruptive. And people who are not in recovery think I am a meany for the way I deal with them. That is why it is important for me to have a recovery support group like Al-Anon and this forum. I don't have to feel all alone in my decisions to decline the invitation to feel bad.
You have to make your own decision on how much you will allow your dad to disrupt your life. You have the choice how bad you let him make you feel. I know for me, it is a constant balancing act. Hugs, Magic
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Luv,
You're not off topic. It still involves addiction and that's what this site is all about.
We went through basically the same thing with my father-in-law who was an alcoholic and came from an alcoholic family. But he accused us of trying to steal his house. He lived in filth and ate fast food all the time. He wouldn't bathe nor change clothes.
Seems that when a spouse dies, the remaining one goes to hell in a hand basket Maybe because they were pampered and taken care of all their lives and either don't know what to do or just don't want to do it. I remember my father in law blaming his wife for dying. He said she did it on purpose. She passed from brain cancer.
My husband is 1 of 6, with 1 living out of state. Only 1 other child had anything to do with him after their Mom passed. Being the baby, the rest of the family said that he, "had no life and no kids, so he should take care of him". Mean nasty siblings. We were dating at the time but not really involved yet.
The old man did get a housekeeper of sorts and she sucked him dry financially, had the house ridden wtih roaches and was addicted to alcohol and meds. My father in law actually accused my husband, his son of sleeping with the housekeeper he was so crazy. After he got rid of her, I took over cleaning his house, washing his clothes and trying to get decent food into him.
So, in the meantime, he's having little strokes, and we and the one sister are taking him to the docs, etc. He finally gives in and sells his house and the sister in law and I split his time up into 2 week increments. He was sweeter then honey for her because she resembled her mother. For me, he was a mean nasty disgusting old bastard. He would crap himself and laugh. Getting him to bathe was almost impossible. Here's something really disgusting he used to do and excuse me, but I want you to know that your dad isn't the only one. My father in law would splash dirty toilet water onto his butt to clean it then wipe his hands on the handtowel.
Eventually, a couple of the other kids got involved and took turns having him stay with them for a week or two. I got disgusted with the last time he sh** himself and made my husband clean it up. I then kicked him out of the house.
So, he's put in a nursing home and the kids really are starting to care about him. He's getting ready to die. There's some money involved. Otherwise, they couldn't care less.
He passed 2 years ago on the 21st of this month. The other siblings have gone their separate ways after they got their money. And I sit here missing the old bas****. Go figure.
With my grandfather who raised me, when my grandmother died, I took him in because his daughter (alcoholic) that lived with him "couldn't stand the old bastard." He lived with me for 3 months and began controlling our lives. It wasn't worth the $100.00/month he paid me.
His other daughter (alcoholic) that lived in GA took him in for about 1 year. She got about $25,000.00 out of him during that time. Then the nasty Bi*** who didn't want him initially decided she wanted him because she discovered he had a huge stash of cash in a safety deposit box. And he's already 86, so how much longer could he live. So he moves back with her and begins calling me and accusing me of stealing his money. The trick here was that I refused to have my name linked in anyway to his financially; thereby avoiding any confrontation regarding $. The family was very very greedy and selfish. I would ask him what he was talking about because I had absolutely no idea what he was referring to. He called me a lying bi*** and would hang up.
This went on for several years. One day I made the decision I was going to confront him and his daughter because I was walking around feeling guilty as hell. And had absolutely no idea why. I went to the house and my grandfather told me to get out of his house. I left, thinking I was closing the book on that part of my life.
My aunt, his daughter called me back and we sat and talked. She had found her higher power and was reaching out for love and sanity. Or so I thought. Anyway, she wound up screwing me when Pop died (5 years after he moved back in with her), eventhough the will stated I would share half. I also found out after he died that the money he continually accused me of stealing was the money he had given/loaned his daughter that lived in GA. He thought she had split it with me and wanted it back. At the funeral, I confronted her and asked why she let me take the fall all those years, for money I never had and she had no answer.
Four months after his death, the B**** married a real pig who was twice as greedy and wiley as her, who got all the money the old man left her, made her quit her job and move to Delaware in the boonies and gave her no money. She went back to drinking and living on plastic, and made the decision she was going to divorce him even before their 1st anniversary. She died suddenly of a CVA a week before the anniversary. He got it all. I walked away with the book from the funeral home to send thank you cards and he got every memento from my grandparents that went back to Europe. He then died of cancer 1 year later.
Don't let yourself get wrapped up in messes like I did. If you decide you will continue to be a part of his life, get help. Do alanon, ACOA, therapy. Anything, because you will probably need it in the end if you don't learn to detach and protect yourself now.
If I've offended you, I apologize for being brutal, but this is reality. I've never, and I repeat, never have seen a scenario such as yours and mine that ever worked out to be a bed of roses.
Even after my aunt died, her next door neighbor would call me and say things like, "I know what you did. She told me everything". I'm still trying to figure that one out. Weird stuff.
There are lots of stories similar to yours and mine. For some unknown reason, they prefer to trust a complete stranger then family. Or their trust is often misguided.
Think this through and think of yourself only. Not him, not your kids if you have any or your partner. This is a time in your life that you need to really take care of yourself. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
We are here for you to offer support. You're in my prayers and I hope the Spirit of God guides you in the right direction.
Blessings, Kathy
You're not off topic. It still involves addiction and that's what this site is all about.
We went through basically the same thing with my father-in-law who was an alcoholic and came from an alcoholic family. But he accused us of trying to steal his house. He lived in filth and ate fast food all the time. He wouldn't bathe nor change clothes.
Seems that when a spouse dies, the remaining one goes to hell in a hand basket Maybe because they were pampered and taken care of all their lives and either don't know what to do or just don't want to do it. I remember my father in law blaming his wife for dying. He said she did it on purpose. She passed from brain cancer.
My husband is 1 of 6, with 1 living out of state. Only 1 other child had anything to do with him after their Mom passed. Being the baby, the rest of the family said that he, "had no life and no kids, so he should take care of him". Mean nasty siblings. We were dating at the time but not really involved yet.
The old man did get a housekeeper of sorts and she sucked him dry financially, had the house ridden wtih roaches and was addicted to alcohol and meds. My father in law actually accused my husband, his son of sleeping with the housekeeper he was so crazy. After he got rid of her, I took over cleaning his house, washing his clothes and trying to get decent food into him.
So, in the meantime, he's having little strokes, and we and the one sister are taking him to the docs, etc. He finally gives in and sells his house and the sister in law and I split his time up into 2 week increments. He was sweeter then honey for her because she resembled her mother. For me, he was a mean nasty disgusting old bastard. He would crap himself and laugh. Getting him to bathe was almost impossible. Here's something really disgusting he used to do and excuse me, but I want you to know that your dad isn't the only one. My father in law would splash dirty toilet water onto his butt to clean it then wipe his hands on the handtowel.
Eventually, a couple of the other kids got involved and took turns having him stay with them for a week or two. I got disgusted with the last time he sh** himself and made my husband clean it up. I then kicked him out of the house.
So, he's put in a nursing home and the kids really are starting to care about him. He's getting ready to die. There's some money involved. Otherwise, they couldn't care less.
He passed 2 years ago on the 21st of this month. The other siblings have gone their separate ways after they got their money. And I sit here missing the old bas****. Go figure.
With my grandfather who raised me, when my grandmother died, I took him in because his daughter (alcoholic) that lived with him "couldn't stand the old bastard." He lived with me for 3 months and began controlling our lives. It wasn't worth the $100.00/month he paid me.
His other daughter (alcoholic) that lived in GA took him in for about 1 year. She got about $25,000.00 out of him during that time. Then the nasty Bi*** who didn't want him initially decided she wanted him because she discovered he had a huge stash of cash in a safety deposit box. And he's already 86, so how much longer could he live. So he moves back with her and begins calling me and accusing me of stealing his money. The trick here was that I refused to have my name linked in anyway to his financially; thereby avoiding any confrontation regarding $. The family was very very greedy and selfish. I would ask him what he was talking about because I had absolutely no idea what he was referring to. He called me a lying bi*** and would hang up.
This went on for several years. One day I made the decision I was going to confront him and his daughter because I was walking around feeling guilty as hell. And had absolutely no idea why. I went to the house and my grandfather told me to get out of his house. I left, thinking I was closing the book on that part of my life.
My aunt, his daughter called me back and we sat and talked. She had found her higher power and was reaching out for love and sanity. Or so I thought. Anyway, she wound up screwing me when Pop died (5 years after he moved back in with her), eventhough the will stated I would share half. I also found out after he died that the money he continually accused me of stealing was the money he had given/loaned his daughter that lived in GA. He thought she had split it with me and wanted it back. At the funeral, I confronted her and asked why she let me take the fall all those years, for money I never had and she had no answer.
Four months after his death, the B**** married a real pig who was twice as greedy and wiley as her, who got all the money the old man left her, made her quit her job and move to Delaware in the boonies and gave her no money. She went back to drinking and living on plastic, and made the decision she was going to divorce him even before their 1st anniversary. She died suddenly of a CVA a week before the anniversary. He got it all. I walked away with the book from the funeral home to send thank you cards and he got every memento from my grandparents that went back to Europe. He then died of cancer 1 year later.
Don't let yourself get wrapped up in messes like I did. If you decide you will continue to be a part of his life, get help. Do alanon, ACOA, therapy. Anything, because you will probably need it in the end if you don't learn to detach and protect yourself now.
If I've offended you, I apologize for being brutal, but this is reality. I've never, and I repeat, never have seen a scenario such as yours and mine that ever worked out to be a bed of roses.
Even after my aunt died, her next door neighbor would call me and say things like, "I know what you did. She told me everything". I'm still trying to figure that one out. Weird stuff.
There are lots of stories similar to yours and mine. For some unknown reason, they prefer to trust a complete stranger then family. Or their trust is often misguided.
Think this through and think of yourself only. Not him, not your kids if you have any or your partner. This is a time in your life that you need to really take care of yourself. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
We are here for you to offer support. You're in my prayers and I hope the Spirit of God guides you in the right direction.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Thank you
It's nice to know I'm not alone but not nice that any of us have to go through this with parents, in-laws, or g-parents. I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning although I did get a phone call from the Visiting Nurses today that he hasn't been home when they've went there. I was dumbfounded because as far as I knew they stopped going there 2 months ago because he refused to let them do anything. Gelfling, I'm not offended by anything you said because I know how they can live. One day I went over there to clean and couldn't figure out where the smell of urine was coming from. I discovered it when I was going to take out the trash and the bottom of the bag was leaking. 
I still have his dirty clothes in the back of my Trailblazer because when I got home with them Sunday I found out my dryer died. Sears delivered a new washer and dryer today. Thank goodness. I am trying very hard to detach from him but it's hard because I keep trying to justify his actions by telling myself he also has mental issues. Then I tell myself it's not my fault. He is choosing to live like this. I've tried to make things better for him. I'm really glad he gave me the money to pay his bills before he got so mad at me. Thanks for your replies. It always helps to know that someone else understands what I'm going through. Barbara
I still have his dirty clothes in the back of my Trailblazer because when I got home with them Sunday I found out my dryer died. Sears delivered a new washer and dryer today. Thank goodness. I am trying very hard to detach from him but it's hard because I keep trying to justify his actions by telling myself he also has mental issues. Then I tell myself it's not my fault. He is choosing to live like this. I've tried to make things better for him. I'm really glad he gave me the money to pay his bills before he got so mad at me. Thanks for your replies. It always helps to know that someone else understands what I'm going through. Barbara
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