Not sure if I am doing the right thing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Not sure if I am doing the right thing
I have been with my BF for almost two years. When I first met him he was such an amazing person, and seemed so responsible. He had a good job and took care of his son. Then a few months in one night he just blew up for no reason and left. I then realized I was dealing with an unstable person so I ended things. A few days later he begged and begged for me to take him back and I always refused, until one day I went to meet him and he was hammered drunk hadnt showered in days and had been living out of his car and sleeping in it, because he had nowhere to go. He agreed to go to detox because he knew he had a problem with drinking. After detox he started going to Alanon meetings sometimes two or three a day, it was amazing. I felt like he was making progress and changing for the better so I told him we could try again. He stayed sober for about three months and then went to drinking 2 or three beers a day. This hurt me but I was blinded by how much I loved him so I let it happen. It's now a year later and he has gone back to all nighters and weekend drinking binges. He drinks at least 6-12 beers a day and cannot go a day without drinking. The last two arguments we have gotten in were because I asked him not to have anymore beer for the night. He blows up and its like a totally different person, the most hateful things come out of his mouth and he has now started to hit me. This last time I told him he had to leave the house, the verbal abuse is one thing but now he is destroying the house and hitting me. he has never done anything like this when the kids are home but I feel like its gone,so far where I never know what person I am going to get. I can't risk it anymore. He has burned so many bridges that he is basically homeless, he only has a few friends and they are all drinkers as well so he is couch hopping. I feel horrible, so many emotions but I keep going back to am I doing the right thing? I want him to realize how far he has gone and that he needs help. He did call and try telling me he loved me and he is so sorry and he is going to stop but he can't do it living on peoples couches. I feel like I need some kind of action on his part to prove to me he means it this time. I love him and I know how much good he has in him. Alcohol just cannot be in the picture anymore? Did I do the right thing by abandoning him?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,900
You didn't abandon him, you stood up for and protected yourself. Physical violence should always, always be a deal breaker. If he wants to get better, he knows what he has to do and yes, he can do it while staying on the couches of friends.
You have already given him a second chance but things went back to the way they were with the added physical violence. He is showing you who he really is...believe him.
You have already given him a second chance but things went back to the way they were with the added physical violence. He is showing you who he really is...believe him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you
Originally Posted by suki44883 
You didn't abandon him, you stood up for and protected yourself. Physical violence should always, always be a deal breaker. If he wants to get better, he knows what he has to do and yes, he can do it while staying on the couches of friends.
You have already given him a second chance but things went back to the way they were with the added physical violence. He is showing you who he really is...believe him.
You have already given him a second chance but things went back to the way they were with the added physical violence. He is showing you who he really is...believe him.
I think I just need to hear these things. Living with an alcoholic can be very mentally exhausting and you second guess yourself. I have forgotten how to stand up for myself. And now that I have it feels alien to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
violence/abuse is a dealbreaker.
the help he "needs" to remedy his illness is far beyond what your love for him can do. he CAN change things. but he will have to figure that out for himself. if he ever does.
you and the kids come first. your safety and the security of your home.
the help he "needs" to remedy his illness is far beyond what your love for him can do. he CAN change things. but he will have to figure that out for himself. if he ever does.
you and the kids come first. your safety and the security of your home.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He HIT YOU.
The End.
Alcoholism is not a "get out of jail free" care for inexcusable behavior, no matter how sorry he says he is. Where he sleeps is no longer your problem and if you let him blackmail you into letting him back, it will be more of the same...and worse.
You absolutely, completely did the right thing.
The End.
Alcoholism is not a "get out of jail free" care for inexcusable behavior, no matter how sorry he says he is. Where he sleeps is no longer your problem and if you let him blackmail you into letting him back, it will be more of the same...and worse.
You absolutely, completely did the right thing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome from another Green Day fan (just guessing here).
I really recommend that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a long time. The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
An advocate can help you process what happened with the physical and emotional abuse, and can help you make a safety plan in the event he shows up on your doorstep at some point. You would be eligible for a protective order if you choose to get one--that would require him to stay away from you and to have no contact with you. Talk to the advocate about it--there will be no pressure if you don't want one, but you should know your options. The advocate can also help with other resources if you want to take advantage of those.
Just one thing--you referred to his going to "Al-Anon"--where he went was to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Al-Anon is a totally separate organization. It's for family and friends to help them recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. You might find a lot of support there--I highly recommend it.
I really recommend that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a long time. The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
An advocate can help you process what happened with the physical and emotional abuse, and can help you make a safety plan in the event he shows up on your doorstep at some point. You would be eligible for a protective order if you choose to get one--that would require him to stay away from you and to have no contact with you. Talk to the advocate about it--there will be no pressure if you don't want one, but you should know your options. The advocate can also help with other resources if you want to take advantage of those.
Just one thing--you referred to his going to "Al-Anon"--where he went was to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Al-Anon is a totally separate organization. It's for family and friends to help them recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. You might find a lot of support there--I highly recommend it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, and welcome from another Green Day fan (just guessing here).
I really recommend that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a long time. The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
An advocate can help you process what happened with the physical and emotional abuse, and can help you make a safety plan in the event he shows up on your doorstep at some point. You would be eligible for a protective order if you choose to get one--that would require him to stay away from you and to have no contact with you. Talk to the advocate about it--there will be no pressure if you don't want one, but you should know your options. The advocate can also help with other resources if you want to take advantage of those.
Just one thing--you referred to his going to "Al-Anon"--where he went was to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Al-Anon is a totally separate organization. It's for family and friends to help them recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. You might find a lot of support there--I highly recommend it.
I really recommend that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a long time. The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
An advocate can help you process what happened with the physical and emotional abuse, and can help you make a safety plan in the event he shows up on your doorstep at some point. You would be eligible for a protective order if you choose to get one--that would require him to stay away from you and to have no contact with you. Talk to the advocate about it--there will be no pressure if you don't want one, but you should know your options. The advocate can also help with other resources if you want to take advantage of those.
Just one thing--you referred to his going to "Al-Anon"--where he went was to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Al-Anon is a totally separate organization. It's for family and friends to help them recover from the effects of living with someone else's drinking. You might find a lot of support there--I highly recommend it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
An advocate can hook you up with a counselor specializing in abuse issues, so keep that in mind. And yes to changing the locks. If you have any problems with the cost, there might be discounts or compensation for that--check with the advocate.
I've seen GD live like six or seven times--twice this year already, and another show coming up in July. I also went to see American Idiot on Broadway TWICE--had to go a second time to see BJ playing the role of St. Jimmy.
Just another addiction, what can I say, lol.
I've seen GD live like six or seven times--twice this year already, and another show coming up in July. I also went to see American Idiot on Broadway TWICE--had to go a second time to see BJ playing the role of St. Jimmy.
Just another addiction, what can I say, lol.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I think you have been more then patient with "helping" your addict, get his act together. I agree with all the other posters, you can never take the risk of letting him in your home again. Not only for the abuse to you, but you risk your children's safety.
Please call the DV hot line. They are so wise and they can help you. I would also cut contact from him, facebook, phone, email and all social media. Gettting the locks changed is a really good idea. Angry drunk people are very scary. If you have any fear with him returning, please just call the cops and get him taken off the property. Men and women are hurt and killed all the time from people in rage.
Please don't take any changes, and believe what he is showing you. He is not to be trusted at all!! Hugs my friend, and stay safe!!
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I think you have been more then patient with "helping" your addict, get his act together. I agree with all the other posters, you can never take the risk of letting him in your home again. Not only for the abuse to you, but you risk your children's safety.
Please call the DV hot line. They are so wise and they can help you. I would also cut contact from him, facebook, phone, email and all social media. Gettting the locks changed is a really good idea. Angry drunk people are very scary. If you have any fear with him returning, please just call the cops and get him taken off the property. Men and women are hurt and killed all the time from people in rage.
Please don't take any changes, and believe what he is showing you. He is not to be trusted at all!! Hugs my friend, and stay safe!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome Iheartbillyjoel. I'm so glad you found us. Also I second everything everyone is saying.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on. Being in love with an addict is no joke and it takes a lot to get away and stay away.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on. Being in love with an addict is no joke and it takes a lot to get away and stay away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
He hit you, he verbally abused you, he emotionally abused you.
You know, I went through this also for years and years. (26 years) I was always thinking of what I did wrong to bring on his wrath. Thing is, normal people don't act this way. I was always trying to give explanations or excuses, I think now, it was only trying to rationalize to myself for why I stayed.
There is no reason for a person to act like he did to you. You didn't ask for it, you didn't cause it, you can't control him, and you can't cure him.
I also wanted to say welcome to SR.
You know, sometimes you really feel like you have no place to go, or no one to talk to. I felt like that a lot. I felt like I was isolating myself because I became afraid to talk about the situations in my life.
I think you found a really good support system here.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))), and thinking of you
amy
You know, I went through this also for years and years. (26 years) I was always thinking of what I did wrong to bring on his wrath. Thing is, normal people don't act this way. I was always trying to give explanations or excuses, I think now, it was only trying to rationalize to myself for why I stayed.
There is no reason for a person to act like he did to you. You didn't ask for it, you didn't cause it, you can't control him, and you can't cure him.
I also wanted to say welcome to SR.
You know, sometimes you really feel like you have no place to go, or no one to talk to. I felt like that a lot. I felt like I was isolating myself because I became afraid to talk about the situations in my life.
I think you found a really good support system here.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))), and thinking of you
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, and welcome from another Green Day fan (just guessing here).
The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
The abuse is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Even if he hasn't hit you when he wasn't drinking, alcohol doesn't MAKE someone violent.
There are people that will lay their hands on others regardless if drunk or sober. You're totally right about that not being strictly related to alcohol.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
You absolutely did the right thing and being with a emotionally, and especially physically abusive person should having you running as fast as you can from the situation.
I would not talk to this person ever again, and if he does try to contact you, tell him to never do so again or you are going to contact the police. Situations like this are no joke.
I would not talk to this person ever again, and if he does try to contact you, tell him to never do so again or you are going to contact the police. Situations like this are no joke.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
