merhaba

Hi to all of you. I don't know who you all are or where you are on your journey but I am really struggling right now and I am very grateful you are all here.

I feel overwhelmed by all the problems that seem to be never ending at the moment - mostly created by my AH who is off who knows where doing who knows what - but he is certainly not dealing with any of the mess he left behind him.

Both of my daughters are so fragile right now. My elder DD has just unfriended me again and won't speak to me - which is heartbreaking, my YDD is struggling at school and frequently moody/angry (they are 20 & 16)
The people he owes money to are sending threatening messages of what they will do...I was paying them to try and save our family home but it looks like they were still trying to force a sale. My solicitor is sooooo slllooowwww.

But mainly I just feel so down and tearful most of the time. I am getting on with life but my heart is not in it. We go on holiday tomorrow YDD and I. I hope it will give me perspective on things.

I don't even know how I feel about AH. Just numb I guess. There was an incident 2 years ago between my EDD and AH and she feels I took his side....I kind of did although I tried to keep the peace mainly.
Now I am wondering if she was right...so difficult to decide. He is a lying, manipulative A and he was drinking away a business failure at the time..and she was in full adolescent mode which for her included constant lying, promiscuity and running away.... I felt trapped between them both.

This is really hurting me and she blames me a lot and is very angry with me. Our relationship has been fractured ever since...any slight upset and she blocks me ( we are not living in the same country).

I am constantly firefighting issues and never seem to have any time to stop and think. I work full time in a demanding teaching job

and OMG I sound full of self pity!!!

AnvilheadII

i imagine your EDD is hurting too. i know it's hard to understand why she seems to turn on you, but for now, she's doing what seems best for her. time takes time and it may be a while before your relationship is healed.

you have a lot on your plate. it's exhausting. lots of hugs.

firebolt

No, hun, you sound exhausted. Anyone in your position would be!

I hope your vacation gives you some clarity, and peace.

SmallButMighty

*hugs*

My daughter is now 23 and we are great friends. This was not always the case.

She was a good girl compared to many teenagers, but she definitely came with her share of trials. With teen girls EVERY thing is so much drama and trauma. The screaming and the tears... (from both of us) was awful. She moved out at age 17 (in grade 11) and never did come home. Things stayed strained for the next two years but we did manage to communicate and of course she let me buy her a beautiful dress for prom....

When she was 20 her and I went on a tropical vacation, just the two of us. It was relaxing and bonding. Things were back on track between us...but then I broke up with her alcoholic father. And again she put me through the wringer. She said and did some intensely painful things. I was going through the hardest most painful most terrifying thing in my life and she felt the need to add fuel to that fire. Who knew a broken heart could get MORE shattered?!

I don't have any advice Merhaba, but I did want you to know that I understand what it is like to have a young adult child, with very little life experience, who thinks that they know exactly how things should be and then pitch fits when we don't fit into their mold.

For what it is worth, my daughter has since apologized, both for the teenage drama and for her part in the pain surrounding my break-up from her Dad.

Now, her 18 year old brother... he is still in the "angry at mum for changing everybody's life" stage and I'm just holding out hope that he too will outgrow his sanctimonious attitude the same way his sister did. I have learned in my own recovery from codependency , that I can't control how he feels or what he understands. My mommy heart still hurts sometimes, but I'm giving him the time and space he needs to figure out the life he wants to lead. I did my best now it's up to him to figure out the rest.

Hang in there. I know it's hard and I know it hurts....but the relationship I have with my daughter now, is proof that eventually they can come around.

dandylion

My grandmother used to always say....."Leave them alone, and, they will come home...wagging their tails behind them"......

maia1234

M,
You sound so overwhelmed. You are doing fine.

It takes time for people to "forgive". You have to and she has to, accept that you did the best you could do at the time. It might not have been what was "right" for her, but in time she will see that.

Time heals wounds, and her I hope she will stay "angry" with you for a shorter period of time, this time. She has a lot of anger, as you do. Try and find some "compassion" for her issues also.

You are a good, caring mom and just trying to do your best. Deep breaths and have an amazing, much deserved vacation, my friend!!

PhoenixJ

Empathy and support to you.

LexieCat

I have no doubt that you did what you felt was best at the time. There are plenty of things that, in hindsight, I wish I had not done or had done differently. That's called being human.

You were all hurt by everything that happened, but you each have to find your own paths to healing. I have a feeling she will come around, if you keep the door open and give her space to do her own processing.

Hugs--I know this feels like it's been going on forever, but there WILL be an end to it.

hopeful4

You have gotten some great insight, just sending support and a hug! You are not alone!

qtpi

You are not alone. For the moment I have lost d d and d s. I feel like I have no family. I am going through such intense mourning. This is ten times worse than leaving x a h. I cry At the drop of a hat. Crying now. And the real knife to the gut is they have a relationship with x a h. D d even told me he is coming to visit.... And when we were talking she told me she did not want me to visit her. Anyway... Prayers for both of us. I don't know how I will get through this. If and when d d calls or d s I am afraid I will dissolve into tears... And make things worse.

dandylion

qtpi...did she say why she didn't want you to visit her?
I suspect that there are some dynamics going on within them and their father that have nothing to do with you.....even though it feels, to you, like it is.....

I don't even know if this applies to your situation, at all....but, I think, that, sometimes, if the kids have not had as much attention from that parent (which they year for)....and,....if that parent starts m ore attention toward them...they just gobble it up. because they are kids, and if there was conflict between the parents...they may assume that they "have" to pick sides. Also, the other parent may be wanting them to "pick sides" and telling them "their side of the story". In a way, the kids are caught in the middle.
They may feel like they can trust that you will always be there waiting for them...but, they have to grab what they can from the other parent.
They are young and they probably cant see the bigger picture (yet).
I think that, given time, things will fall into place, better....

I would leave them alone.....because you know that if they loved you at 6yrs. old...they will always love you.....

Remember, I am just spitballin, here.....

qtpi

I have to let go of them. So hard. It is the only option I have now. Fortunately between alano n friends work and s r I am getting a lot of support.

dandylion

qtpi.....don't think of it as a goodbye....because it isn't...
Think of it as "I'll see you, later"......because it will be....