incomprehesible

New to this, so apologies for lack of any abbreviations or Jargons I haven't quite yet learnt!

Met a man just under 3 years ago. Charismatic and successful. So unbelievably charming, pursued me for a few months until I finally told him I loved him too about 4 months in. It was the relationship we both wanted (or so I thought). We had money, travelled to the most unbelievable destinations, had fun, got on like a house on fire, had a similar lifestyle.

A year ago, we moved in together. Things slowly started going downhill from there. In hindsight his insomnia became very apparent, he turned out to be dismissive of my feelings and my needs and behaved in a very selfish manner at times, took very little responsibility and left me pretty much alone with doing things in the house that weren’t a necessity for him (such as laundry) and kept forgetting things he’d said. He reduced his exercising, spent more time sleeping and missing/being late for commitments. We decided to start relationship counselling last year, but didn’t go to the first session until 3 months later, at which point he still seemed committed to resolving our issues.

Looking back, he’d spent a lot of December out partying until 7am and sleeping the next day. He became quite nasty towards me verbally too (again, in hindsight that had sporadically happened before). We went on holiday over New Year’s – the first few days of which were strained and included a huge fallout, but then actually became nice and it felt like we were reconnecting. We got back home, his behaviour reverted to how it was before. He spent most nights awake in the lounge, having to “catch up on work” and slept in during the day.

Then I started noticing the cocaine traces on the kitchen table. He had told me from the beginning that he was the occasional recreational user (once every few months when out with friends). I am not tolerant of drugs (other than the odd glass of wine) and was very clear that drugs were not to be brought into my vicinity or into my house, but clearly cocaine use was happening in my kitchen while I was asleep. I expressed my concern of his “occasional use” spiralling out of control to which he replied that he was aware it had been too much recently, he wasn’t sure why he was doing it so much, he was unhappy at home, felt and needed to distract himself, but knew he needed to “cut down”. We continued a few more counselling sessions together, but he turned up late, presumably either high or on a comedown, and spent most of the session blaming me and expecting me to reflect on what I had done. He wasn’t willing to take any responsibility or action to resolve our issues, left all of it to me and spent most of the session lecturing me with jargon about how I needed to find my own happiness, ideas about Buddhism and how he was concerned about me. He maintained that he loved me and wanted us to work, but couldn’t see how.

I then found some of his bank statements with transactions of online dating/mating websites from the nights in which he’d been downstairs up all night.

One evening he’d agreed to go out for dinner with me, but then told me he was going to a party instead with some friends, where he will get high and have loads of fun, but he will pick up his daughter the next day (who was then supposed to be spending the week with us) and I should join them at his parents’ for a family dinner. There was no way I could agree to this for so many reasons – there is just so much wrong with the combination of all of this, so I packed my bags.

I have my own apartment, so I got into action to move back in. I spent the next 6 weeks living a slightly nomadic lifestyle until I was able to move. Meanwhile, I discovered the contents of the bottom drawer of his wardrobe. Debt, sleeping tablets and painkillers, cocaine paraphernalia, Viagra, supplements for low mood and sleeping issues – and his daughter’s drawings and photographs all piled up on top. The bin was constantly full of tissues, saline rinses everywhere and a lot of empty bottles of alcohol. I am not sure he’s aware I have seen/registered all of this.

Throughout this period, I have not contacted him. He sporadically contacts me – at times about logistics that have been confirmed already (he is still in the house we shared), and keeps mentioning he wants to remain friends, completely oblivious to the fact that I have not responded to any of his messages other than any required logistics ones. He wished me a happy birthday twice, again, I didn’t respond. The one time I saw him (I did everything to avoid seeing him, but he always managed to still be in the house, as he seems incapable of sticking to a schedule), he waffled on about 3 of his friends who were having a hard time, and went on again about remaining friends because “that’s what normal people do”. I asked him if he was truly completely oblivious to the reasons why I was not speaking with him, and he responded that he didn’t know. I gave no response to this and just walked away.

I know I have done the right thing by walking away so quickly and I am sure all the evidence I have found points to a combination of addiction and personality issues, but it all seems so incomprehensible to me. Were the first two amazing years of our relationship a complete lie? Why would anyone want to give up what we had (and, in the process hurting his daughter who loved me, and who, in hindsight I think he treats just as dismissively as he treated me)? Was I a short term cocaine/dopamine/endorphin high until I expressed needs too? Did I come too close to finding out the truth about his personality? How can he at this stage be so completely oblivious to what’s really happened and why is he insisting on remaining friends?

Sorry this is long. I can’t ask him these questions and I will probably never know the answers. It’s just all still in my head and I can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts and the upset and sadness.

Ann

Stop right there, no "but's" you are doing the wise and healthy thing to put this all behind you, as painful as that may be.

You saw what you saw and know what you know...he is an active addict. He doesn't need to confirm that (nor is he likely to) or try to explain why, you know what you know and can trust yourself to get to a safe place away from all this.

I'm sorry you are going through this, take a read around and you will see that you are not alone.

Welcome to SR, a great place of healing and learning a better way to live.

Hugs

incomprehesible

Thank you Ann for replying so quickly, for your hugs and welcome and essentially repeating the words of my fantastic mum.

You're absolutely right, there's no point denying to myself that I saw what I saw and that it means what I think it means.
I've been lucky in that I'd not really come into contact with anything like this before, so this forum has been incredibly helpful in educating me, assisting me in taking the decision I took and remaining strong and focused. I also realise I am very lucky in having a huge network of supportive friends and family and a safe place to live.

It's a painful time and it's hard to understand how a great human being can be so (self) destructive and try to take so many good things down with them, but through this forum I have learnt that there is absolutely nothing I could have done other than to walk away, both for me and him.

Many hugs back to you and thank you so much for your support!

Maudcat

Welcome to SR, incomprehensible. Good for you for recognizng a toxic situation and getting out. I don't have much experience with cocaine addiction, but I believe that addicts can keep it together for periods of time, until the wheels inevitably start coming off the bus. This is a great, supportive site. I hope you will keep posting. Peace.

incomprehesible

Thank you for replying maudcat and your words of support.

I do keep wondering if the addiction was there right from the beginning of our relationship and I just didn't realise it or if it started throughout, but realistically I also know that the answer to that question doesn't really matter, just like Ann says in her reply to me. I suppose there's always this small doubt in me, maybe I overreacted? Maybe it's all in my imagination, maybe it really was just a phase, etc.

However, by reading the stories of people in this forum, I have understood how much I need to trust myself and my instincts, I am certain I'm not wrong. I truly wish I'd been able to stop it, but I can't. I can't make someone see something they themselves don't want to see.

Both your responses have helped enormously, thank you.
Ann's "you saw what you saw and you know what you know" together with your "the wheels come off eventually" have become my new go to statements when the doubt comes back.

Lots of love and hugs to you

Ann

Beware of the "maybe's", the "if only's" and the "woulda, coulda and shoulda's". I lived in this illusion for years and years with my son, hoping beyond hope that he would see the light, see how destructive addiction was and then stop. Sometimes he did stop, once for 3 years, but each time he went back to the dark abyss of addiction and continues there, somewhere, today.

Some do recovery...some quickly, some after almost dying, some after years and years, and some never make it back at all...and we never know which may apply to our loved one.

The difficult part for us who love them is that we have seen the good person they are underneath the addiction. We have experienced good days and precious moments before the disease stole it all away and left only memories of the person they used to be.

We want that good person back, but it's not ours to fix, it's not ours to save...it never was and that's where the illusion tricks us into thinking that something we say or do will change things. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

Good luck, keep your balance and on day you will see with clarity, that his addiction has nothing to do with you.

Hugs

PhoenixJ

Empathy and support offered to you