bluedog97

I've written before about the terrible struggles I've had with my relationships with my family. I limit contact with them as much as possible. Well tonight I had an unavoidable encounter with one and it set me off, per usual. I've been fine for a month since the last encounter, and it's like I devolve into an apoplectic fit of rage whenever I get around any of them. I realize no contact is likely the solution.

Anyway, I suddenly want to drink terribly. I think the wretched reality of my family situation puts me into the emotional abyss. Their behavior is almost unbelievable. No not almost, it is. Selfish and self-centered. They have no interest in showing any respect for what I want out of life, including my sobriety.

I just needed to vent. Right now it's either post another maniacal rant or risk drinking. Arghhhhhh!

CreativeThinker

Hey Bluedog...I can relate! Don't let them make you do something you'll regret tomorrow morning. You said that you've moved through a similar encounter with them in the past, you can do it again. You've got this...

Hang in...

Maudcat

Yep. Families can mess with you in ways you never thought possible.
Think you have it covered and it's all good, then BAM.
Right between the eyes.
If you are a Walking Dead fan, it's like Lucille.
I wish I had the magic, bullet- proof formula for creating a family deflection shield, but I don't. My alcoholic sib pushes all my buttons, and then some.
You are wise to limit contact. Peace.

Delilah1

I'm so glad you came here and posted!! SR is another family, and you will always find support on here.

Sending lots of love.

❤Delilah

Dee74

It really is possible to change our responses tho bluedog...in time, even lose the rage.
Every time you get triggered and you don;t drink you get a little closer to where you want to be

D

bronzie

Hi bluedog, I completely understand that angry feeling that family members can bring about. I have the same issue with some unbelievable behaviors from others that I just cannot comprehend, but we just can't control other people. We can only control our emotional response. I think that's a big part of recovery, learning how to cope and not let things get the best of you. Now if I could just remember this myself when I get angry! I hope we can all find better ways of dealing with distress and people/situations that bring it. Just don't drink, and the feelings/cravings will pass. Hugs!

bluedog97

Thanks for the responses. I managed to stay sober, even sleep a little. I woke up reeling though, like from a nightmare, only it's real. Like when things are going smoothly and you get hit upside the head with a 2x4, triggering feelings from almost 30 years ago, before you ever even started drinking. It's probably why I started drinking!

I needed these responses and to be reminded I'm not the only one who gets worked up by family, or any relationship for that matter. It's like exorcising demons.

I can't help but think about how I'd like to get a them back for the grief they've caused. I know that's not healthy, and probably part of my addicted thinking, trying to convince me to drink.

I'm grateful to vent. Without it I was real close to caving.

Berrybean

Yep . That's definitely an AV line. " Yeahhhhh. .. take a drink. That'll show em!" Our AVs really are SO full of bull! !

Try to remember as well, that dwelling on resentments, plotting revenge, mentally raking over who said what, how they looked, etc really only harms us in the end. The first step to ridding ourselves of the pain of resentments is having the genuine desire to let them go. To feel better. (Sometimes anger can feel less vulnerable to sad or hurt, so we cling onto it like some kind of invisible armour. But that anger keeps us in pain). No matter how much your family deserve you to be angry with them, you do not deserve to be in the pain that being angry with them puts you in. Why not resolve to put what you deserve first and start the process of ditching those resentment. If we're willing it can be done. Honest.

BB

Madnellie

Thanks for that, Dee. I really needed to read that this morning

August252015

Glad you posted.

Quoting the above bc of the "don't let them make you..." comment....no one ever makes us dink. Once I accepted that the choice was always, always mine- relationship "pressure" ceased. I am also a hardliner- I forget the exact details of you situation but DOR me, I am not around anyone, including family, who doesn't have a positic

August252015

Sorry on iPad and can't edit-
A positive effect on me and my sobriety. Ex- I didn't go to Christmas with my family in part due to my brother.

Please stay with us sober.

tomsteve

this would be a great situation where the steps can come into work. start at step 1.powerless over people and its makin your life unmanageable......

bluedog97

My therapist tells me this, that I can't change them. I have an extremely hard time accepting this. Like Berrybean said about stewing over being angry and plotting revenge. That's what I do.

I do think there's a difference between seeking justice and plotting revenge. Like if someone does us wrong. This is what I'm currently grappling with. It's hard for me to just let it go.

It's like when they say would you ever be right or happy? I'm still stuck on being right. Like I had a legitimate excuse for being a drunk. Like I have a legitimate excuse to drink. I think we all think that at one time or another. The ol' "If you had my problems, you'd drink too". Guilty as charged.

bluedog97

^^ This too. I need to just cease contact with them altogether.

tomsteve

ooooooo doggie,bludog, ya sound a lot like I used to be. that revenge- yup, im guilty. did it a LOT when I was drinkin. didn't just think abouyt it, but acted on it,too.
and when I got sober? welp, I had this lil misconception that that stuff wasn't gonna happen- thought I wouldn't have people,places, and things bother me. BIG misconception. it would happen, id get frustrated and resentful and the main thing that buggered me up?
I didn't want to let other people live rent free in my head yet it was happening. I was DOING what the program and my sponsor suggested and would still have it happening.
and my sponsor? well that jerk, after givin me suggestions, would say," keep up with the footwork and give time time.
but he was right- the longest distance known to man is the distance from the head to the heart. although I had everything in my head, it took time to get to my heart- took time for me to understand,comprehend, and accept.

personally I didn't make a choice of being happy or right- I wanted both! I wanted to be happy AND right!
the miracle that occurred for me is that by working through the steps and putting in the footwork, I am now both- happy and right. I am right in that NOTHING I could do would change anyone and the more I tried the sicker I got. I am right in that it is me that allows other people to live rent free in my head and no matter what retaliation I do it STILL doesn't keep them from living rent free in my head. I am right in that what others think or say about me doesn't bother me one bit TODAY( notice I said today- I still get times I open the door and put up the "room for rent" sign, but not today). I am right in that its a waste of energy to try and retaliate. I am right in that other people have the right to be how they want to be just as I have the right to be how I want to be. I am right in that the ONLY solution for me is to remove the other people completely and look in my own mirror.
all of that is a part of what makes me happy- I have accepted I am powerless over people, but not powerless over whether I am around them,allow them into my life, or if I allow them to live rent free in my head.
today, I am happy and serene.
I had to WANT to be happy and serene to start.
there was no happiness or serenity in retaliation. there was nothing but pride,ego,fear, and quite a few other character defects.


Like I had a legitimate excuse for being a drunk. Like I have a legitimate excuse to drink.
and that's all it is- an excuse to say,"ill show you by hurting myself by getting drunk. how do you like THAT!"
and it only will hurt you.

Berrybean

Sometime there is no justice. Plenty of evidence of that in the news today. Thing is, we always have that option of making our life worse by hitting the bottle. Any time we like. No excuses and no permission required. Because the only person we'd be screwing over is ourself. But it sounds like you've got the rest of yiur family doing that bit for you, so you don't really need to join in, do ya?

I'd suggest just strengthening the boundaries you've got to keep you emotionally safe from them. Sounds like no contact would be the way to go, at least for a while.

BB

bluedog97

Another thing is I recently reduced the dose of my script meds. I wonder if that is affecting me.

I don't want to drink because I know where that road leads. But I'm miserable, I'm not gonna lie. I feel like I'm 15 years old again, and I think that pisses me off more than anything.

Dee74

I had to learn it's ok to be miserable (especially with valid reason) and that it will pass...of course if you've been miserable for weeks over one encounter that's something I'd speak to your Dr or counsellor about?

D

bluedog97

No it hasn't been weeks, just the last couple of days. At 11 weeks sober (tomorrow), I guess it just threw me for a major loop that I wasn't expecting. I guess I figured I had come a long way and suddenly I feel like im back to square one. Maybe some sort of PAWS, or med change, combine of course with longstanding family issues.

I have settled down but remain angry. I one of those people who has trouble not winning. I'm sober at least. A lot of good feedback on this thread, and I'm grateful for that. Trying to focus on some positives instead of dwelling on what isn't working, as best I can.

Dee74

I think I've said this before but I never won with my family - For me to 'win' they would have to change as completely as I have - and I can't see that happening because they can't even see a problem much less feel inclined to make amends.

My win, if you like, was to accept that what they said was not necessarily or inherently true, and that they were never going to give me what I wanted/needed.

Once I really accepted that I felt a great weight lift off me. I dunno if its a win but it feels pretty good

D