5 months sober and so grateful
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
5 months sober and so grateful
Hi, 154 days ago I woke up with no recollection of how I'd got home or what had happened the night before. Waking up like this had started to become the new normal. As I had on countless occasions before, I lay in bed and waited for my husband to wake up to tell me just how appalling my behaviour had been this time. Fear and shame consumed me but they too were beginning to feel normal. When my husband woke up, it wasn't what he said that shocked me. It was his demeanour, the sad look in his eyes. He looked resigned to my behaviour, like he accepted that this was who I am now; the intelligent, funny, loving woman he married who turned into a monster everytime she started to drink. It wasn't the worst blackout I'd experienced but something inside clicked. I didn't want to see that sadness in my husband's eyes again. I sure as hell didn't want to be the cause of it. I haven't drunk since that day and I can honestly say that sobriety has given me more in 5 months than alcohol gave me in 20 years.
I love being sober. It's still early days but I'm beginning to feel like a proper part of the universe again. I feel connected to people again. I smile and look people in the eye and no longer feel like I'm living a lie. There are days when it is so hard not to drink and on those days I read through the posts on these forums and always find something that resonates with how I'm feeling. On these pages I have always found a strong enough argument not to drink for today. I want to thank everyone who posts on this site; hundreds of you have posted and don't realise that your words saved me. They continue to save me. I feel so grateful to everyone who has already paved a way through recovery, it gives me hope that I can too.
Thank you all so much. I look forward to not drinking with you today.
I love being sober. It's still early days but I'm beginning to feel like a proper part of the universe again. I feel connected to people again. I smile and look people in the eye and no longer feel like I'm living a lie. There are days when it is so hard not to drink and on those days I read through the posts on these forums and always find something that resonates with how I'm feeling. On these pages I have always found a strong enough argument not to drink for today. I want to thank everyone who posts on this site; hundreds of you have posted and don't realise that your words saved me. They continue to save me. I feel so grateful to everyone who has already paved a way through recovery, it gives me hope that I can too.
Thank you all so much. I look forward to not drinking with you today.
thanks
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Thanks everyone. I've been reading the posts on this site more than ever over the last couple of days and posted today for the first time because ever since Friday my addiction voice has become extremely loud and demanding. I think it must be because I'm away from home for the first time since I stopped drinking. The voice keeps telling me that as I've managed to stop drinking for 5 months on my own, I probably don't have a proper problem with alcohol after all. The voice keeps suggesting that maybe I should try moderation; maybe 5 months of sobriety has somehow turned me into a normal drinker. The truth is, I've never been any good at doing anything in moderation, especially drinking. My all or nothing personality has allowed me to excel in some stuff but totally sabotaged everything else. The voice also keeps droning on about all my bad behaviour in the past; all the people I've pushed away. Then it says that I don't deserve the rewards of sobriety; that I'm not good enough to be truly happy so I might as well get drunk.
I'm listening to my addiction voice with the respect it deserves because it is one hell of an opponent. I know I need to keep my guard up against it because one ounce of complacency could see everything come crashing down. So I'm listening to what it has to say but somehow I'm finding the strength to challenge it and to ever so politely tell it to f*** off and leave me alone. I do deserve to be happy. I am entitled to apologise for past mistakes and to build a new future. I am not going to drink today.
I'm listening to my addiction voice with the respect it deserves because it is one hell of an opponent. I know I need to keep my guard up against it because one ounce of complacency could see everything come crashing down. So I'm listening to what it has to say but somehow I'm finding the strength to challenge it and to ever so politely tell it to f*** off and leave me alone. I do deserve to be happy. I am entitled to apologise for past mistakes and to build a new future. I am not going to drink today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Wow, your post is exactly the same as my journey. 5 months ago I awoke to the same disappointed and resigned look on my hubby's face.
And my AV has been a little whinger the last few days also.
Congrats on your sobriety
thank you for reminding me that I too deserve a great life which is only possible without alcohol.
xox
And my AV has been a little whinger the last few days also.
Congrats on your sobriety
thank you for reminding me that I too deserve a great life which is only possible without alcohol.xox
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Thanks everyone for reading and Poppy79, it is so comforting to know that someone in the world is at exactly the same stage of recovery as me. I sometimes feel like I'm fighting this battle on my own, surrounded by oblivious normal drinkers who don't really understand why I can't stop at 2 glasses of wine like they do. And why should they understand? This isn't their fight.
Knowing that there are people in this world who understand, who I can connect with at the click of a button makes me feel that this battle is winnable. Thank you for being there. Have a good day xx
Knowing that there are people in this world who understand, who I can connect with at the click of a button makes me feel that this battle is winnable. Thank you for being there. Have a good day xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Thank you Kenton for posting our story
It certainly does make me feel a little more at ease knowing someone else (probably lots of someone else's) had a toxic relationship with wine and understands the feeling of doom when you see the look of defeat and disappointment on a loved ones face. It's an image that I will never shake and I don't want to either because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. No way will I (we) ever be the cause of that look again. We just need to stay far far away from the poison.
You should join the November 16 group, it would be great to get to know you more
It certainly does make me feel a little more at ease knowing someone else (probably lots of someone else's) had a toxic relationship with wine and understands the feeling of doom when you see the look of defeat and disappointment on a loved ones face. It's an image that I will never shake and I don't want to either because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. No way will I (we) ever be the cause of that look again. We just need to stay far far away from the poison.
You should join the November 16 group, it would be great to get to know you more
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