Theresa96

Long story short, my boyfriend said for me to send letters and visit him in rehab. He's out now, and he won't talk to me. Says I'm a trigger. I'm sober as well and have been always, it's not my thing. However he will talk to and hang out with our old friend we hung out with who their friendship was 90% drinking. I've shown nothing but love and support and encouragement, so how am I more toxic than an old drinking buddy? He's only been in transitional housing for a month now. Any good advice or explanations to things I maybe don't understand?

Bekindalways

Welcome to SR Theresa and so sorry for what you are going through.

As you may know, going through rehab doesn't get an Alcoholic very far down the road of recovery. Read the stickies at the top of this forum for more information. It's a bit of a mish mash of the best that folks have written about being in relationships with alcoholics.

Also look into Alanon. Dealing with the fall-out from a relationship with an addict is no joke. You will need all the support that you can get.

Let us know how you get on. There is almost always someone around here.

Big hug.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry for your hurt.

I'm a sober alcoholic (8 years) and I personally don't believe in the concept of "triggers," though lots of rehabs apparently do. I think it's possible that he views you that way because he associates you with his drinking. IOW, it's nothing you did, but rather something that makes him afraid he will drink again. Some people feel quite fragile when they are first out of rehab. They won't stay sober for long unless they learn to manage real life.

Regardless, though, the fact is that he apparently is not available for a relationship right now. It's painful, but breakups happen every day, and all we can do is to work through them, grieve them, and go on.

Theresa96

I just don't understand how hanging out with and talking to an old drinking buddy is okay for him?? But not me

Theresa96

And thanks, time really helped heal a lot. My friend, who's had a lot of experience with loved ones in rehab, she said I'm very strong and handling it well. I said really?? Lol but I think I'm more level headed than most girls my age (I'm 20 going on 21). Everything that happened I called it long before it really did happen but I gave in anyways. And I no way ever enabled him and his drinking. I tried to get him to leave for months, although I know it's not easy to just pick up and go. Thanks everyone for the help.

SparkleKitty

Intimate relationships are considerably more challenging than casual friendships. People in recovery are trying to build entirely new coping mechanisms for everyday life. The pressures of a relationship are often just too much considering that not being able to find the tv remote used to be enough reason to drink.

I know this is annoying to hear, but do try not to take this personally. His addiction and his recovery are all about him, not you.

Theresa96

Yeah I just wish he could've at least told me why he's ignoring me. It's like he just left me out to dry. It's not fair to me. And I wasn't expecting to be in a relationship with him for a long time, I know it's not recommended in early recovery, I just didn't expect him to leave me with nothing and he knows I'm upset and stressed.

dandylion

Theresa....this disease, is, by nature, very selfish.
Do you think that you deserve better than this? Or not?

The Universe is, actually, doing you a big favor....saving you from more heartbreak, down the line....
You are heartbroken, right now...but, that will heal...you will get over it...
short-term pain for the long=term gain.....

Next year, this will all look so different to you!

Theresa96

Very true! I know I'll live lol. Thanks for the advice

AnvilheadII

you are just 20....get this insanity behind you.....there will be more men you encounter, some you care about, some you might marry, divorce, or just remember wistfully. the very best thing you can do is LEARN from this experience. make it a "growth opportunity" rather than a "mistake".

empower yourself with knowledge and wisdom. don't waste time wondering about the way someone else's brain works, just keep stimulating your own!

PhoenixJ

I can not advise something, to me I cannot understand. It is certainly nothing to do with you. It does not devalue your worth as a person. You are certainly worth a happy life. I think the al-anon is a good idea. Perhaps that may help you rethink where you are and what you want to do.
I empathise and offer support. Do not put your life on hold- would he?

Nilobrian33

I am also not able to advise you in this case. May be you boyfriend got something special to his old friend. So, he left you now.