Just need a bit of support, I think
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Just need a bit of support, I think
I am usually just reading on here and sometimes post a reply to someone if they write something that triggers me. SR has been an absolute rock for me for this past winter.
I hope that this makes some sense. I am so upset right now.
I just now made the leap to absolutely no contact with xabf. I had maintained just a bit of contact through an online game that we have played since last year. The contact got less and less with nothing personal shared in the past few months. I kind of held on because he owed me money, which was paid last week. I kind of held on because of guilt, pain, and my own weakness. If he brought up anything personal (always about HIM, of course), I ignored it.
He is not just an alcoholic and drug addict, he is an abusive, controlling, hateful man. He hides behind the guise that he is a gentle, supportive man. He fooled me until about a month into my living with him when his first blackout drunken rage came out at me.
I left him in October. It ripped my heart out, but it was literally killing me (I was down to 67lbs and having major panic attacks along with constant anxiety). He did not want me to leave, but his treatment of me sure did not say that he wanted me to stay. He had said that he was "bitter" over it. After all, he had said that every day is a new day and what happened yesterday did not matter. It was as if it was easy for me to turn around and move 300 miles back to where I had come from with all of my animals and all of my belongings. Yes, it was the fantasy of what he had promised that I lost, not the reality. The reality was (and will be for the next volunteer) nothing short of brutal.
It was a year ago this month that I moved in with him. I have since been moving on with my shattered life and have to remind myself that he no longer deserves a place in my head, or heart, or my computer.
I left the game guild that he had invited me to last fall today. I had been invited to 2 other guilds in the past two months and finally decided that I should go. I sent a note a few hours ago saying thank you for letting me be a part of the guild and good luck in the game. He messaged me just a few minutes ago that he wants to end our point swap that we had been doing for over a year because HE "wants closure". I sent him back one word...."Agreed". I removed him from my friend list and went on FB and removed him as a friend. I had not been checking up on him on FB, but I had not removed him as a friend, only clicked the button that hides everything that someone posts. I do not like to even go onto FB because that is where we had reconnected. I have been inactive on there for a year now because of how much this all ripped me apart mentally and physically. I do not want to see what he is doing, who he is doing it with, etc. I really don't miss the overall FB drama and will only peek on there to see if there is anything good in my feed having to do with my hobbies (and even then, that was not until the past month).
So, it is done and I am just sitting her crying.
No, I was not expecting us to get back together. I am too angry for that. I am not as angry as I was for the entire winter, but I am still in fight or flight mode and trying my best to work my way out of it. I did not get "closure". I did not tell him what an abusive, lying, jerk that he is. I did not tell him what an ***hole that he is for asking me a couple of weeks ago to return a present that he gave me over a year ago. I will not return it. I will destroy it first. I did not tell him the things that I feel. I just did not go there. He won't get it anyhow. He is too far gone in his sick world of constant buzz and drunk and lortabbed. I am sure that I am the loser and the one that had all of the problems in his mind. Well, yes, I did have a problem. I had a problem trying to adjust to my third, and final, abusive relationship. My first one was a 10 year marriage that was abusive in every way. Next came a highly verbally abusive man that I lived with for a year and a half (if ever someone says to you "now that we have met I can quit taking the meds".....RUN). Then xabf that I lived with for 6 months. I truly did love xabf, though. I really and truly did. I don't know if I still do. I don't know if I would care if he died. That sounds mean, but it is true.
I am done. I don't hate men, I just hate the men that I attract and that I am attracted to. It will be best for me to just stay unattached emotionally.
Now I just have to accept my position as relationship loser in life. I am too old to start over and past the age that I can spend a lifetime with someone. I wish that there was a way to unplug the needing companionship wiring that we have as humans.
Thank you for reading.
I hope that this makes some sense. I am so upset right now.
I just now made the leap to absolutely no contact with xabf. I had maintained just a bit of contact through an online game that we have played since last year. The contact got less and less with nothing personal shared in the past few months. I kind of held on because he owed me money, which was paid last week. I kind of held on because of guilt, pain, and my own weakness. If he brought up anything personal (always about HIM, of course), I ignored it.
He is not just an alcoholic and drug addict, he is an abusive, controlling, hateful man. He hides behind the guise that he is a gentle, supportive man. He fooled me until about a month into my living with him when his first blackout drunken rage came out at me.
I left him in October. It ripped my heart out, but it was literally killing me (I was down to 67lbs and having major panic attacks along with constant anxiety). He did not want me to leave, but his treatment of me sure did not say that he wanted me to stay. He had said that he was "bitter" over it. After all, he had said that every day is a new day and what happened yesterday did not matter. It was as if it was easy for me to turn around and move 300 miles back to where I had come from with all of my animals and all of my belongings. Yes, it was the fantasy of what he had promised that I lost, not the reality. The reality was (and will be for the next volunteer) nothing short of brutal.
It was a year ago this month that I moved in with him. I have since been moving on with my shattered life and have to remind myself that he no longer deserves a place in my head, or heart, or my computer.
I left the game guild that he had invited me to last fall today. I had been invited to 2 other guilds in the past two months and finally decided that I should go. I sent a note a few hours ago saying thank you for letting me be a part of the guild and good luck in the game. He messaged me just a few minutes ago that he wants to end our point swap that we had been doing for over a year because HE "wants closure". I sent him back one word...."Agreed". I removed him from my friend list and went on FB and removed him as a friend. I had not been checking up on him on FB, but I had not removed him as a friend, only clicked the button that hides everything that someone posts. I do not like to even go onto FB because that is where we had reconnected. I have been inactive on there for a year now because of how much this all ripped me apart mentally and physically. I do not want to see what he is doing, who he is doing it with, etc. I really don't miss the overall FB drama and will only peek on there to see if there is anything good in my feed having to do with my hobbies (and even then, that was not until the past month).
So, it is done and I am just sitting her crying.
No, I was not expecting us to get back together. I am too angry for that. I am not as angry as I was for the entire winter, but I am still in fight or flight mode and trying my best to work my way out of it. I did not get "closure". I did not tell him what an abusive, lying, jerk that he is. I did not tell him what an ***hole that he is for asking me a couple of weeks ago to return a present that he gave me over a year ago. I will not return it. I will destroy it first. I did not tell him the things that I feel. I just did not go there. He won't get it anyhow. He is too far gone in his sick world of constant buzz and drunk and lortabbed. I am sure that I am the loser and the one that had all of the problems in his mind. Well, yes, I did have a problem. I had a problem trying to adjust to my third, and final, abusive relationship. My first one was a 10 year marriage that was abusive in every way. Next came a highly verbally abusive man that I lived with for a year and a half (if ever someone says to you "now that we have met I can quit taking the meds".....RUN). Then xabf that I lived with for 6 months. I truly did love xabf, though. I really and truly did. I don't know if I still do. I don't know if I would care if he died. That sounds mean, but it is true.
I am done. I don't hate men, I just hate the men that I attract and that I am attracted to. It will be best for me to just stay unattached emotionally.
Now I just have to accept my position as relationship loser in life. I am too old to start over and past the age that I can spend a lifetime with someone. I wish that there was a way to unplug the needing companionship wiring that we have as humans.
Thank you for reading.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you were wise to cut off that lingering contact--no good would have come of it.
Don't count yourself out of the relationship game. I'd suggest you take some time, though, and work on figuring out how to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself, first. Make some good friends. They can be great companions.
Don't count yourself out of the relationship game. I'd suggest you take some time, though, and work on figuring out how to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself, first. Make some good friends. They can be great companions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Olow...I know exactly how you're feeling. There are many ups and downs to this process. Some days are great. Others are a challenge from morning until night.
I think you have taken many great steps towards going no contact. I also dropped off FB for a variety of reasons. Not missing it at all, time-waster that it is...lol! My AH and I share a child -he'll be 7 on Friday - (I have sole custody) so I can't go 100% no contact. I also have 2 kids from my first marriage but he barely spoke to them when we lived in the same house so I don't expect he'll ever talk to them again. Really pitiful. But I do have boundaries where he is blocked online and from texting or calling my cell. He can call my parents' landline, mail a letter, or email me. That's it. In the 3 weeks since we left, though, he has not once asked about our son, inquired about seeing him, or called to talk to him. Such a great Dad...not. I digress...😞.
It does get easier. Do some reading on codependency. It will help YOU to sort some things out about yourself, and then the 'right' kind of man is more likely to enter your life. I'm focused on me now and it's paying off. "Co-dependent No More" is awesome! And I just received "Codependency for Dummies" in the mail today. Can't wait to read it. Apparently there's lots of info on healing.
Best wishes and hugs. Take the positives and lessons from this experience, and move forward to peace and happiness. Hugs.
I think you have taken many great steps towards going no contact. I also dropped off FB for a variety of reasons. Not missing it at all, time-waster that it is...lol! My AH and I share a child -he'll be 7 on Friday - (I have sole custody) so I can't go 100% no contact. I also have 2 kids from my first marriage but he barely spoke to them when we lived in the same house so I don't expect he'll ever talk to them again. Really pitiful. But I do have boundaries where he is blocked online and from texting or calling my cell. He can call my parents' landline, mail a letter, or email me. That's it. In the 3 weeks since we left, though, he has not once asked about our son, inquired about seeing him, or called to talk to him. Such a great Dad...not. I digress...😞.
It does get easier. Do some reading on codependency. It will help YOU to sort some things out about yourself, and then the 'right' kind of man is more likely to enter your life. I'm focused on me now and it's paying off. "Co-dependent No More" is awesome! And I just received "Codependency for Dummies" in the mail today. Can't wait to read it. Apparently there's lots of info on healing.
Best wishes and hugs. Take the positives and lessons from this experience, and move forward to peace and happiness. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
I have no words of comfort - just that I can really relate to what you are saying here.
In between my abusive relationships I stayed alone for 10 years and adopted and raised 2 children....then went straight back in to a relationship/marriage with an A. He left 6 months ago and I am trying...sometimes more successful than others...to try and pick up the pieces of my life and solve the financial/emotional/situational mess he left me with...and own that I allowed it to happen to me - again.
In my case time taught me nothing. You sound strong though and I hope you get through this. Hugs
In between my abusive relationships I stayed alone for 10 years and adopted and raised 2 children....then went straight back in to a relationship/marriage with an A. He left 6 months ago and I am trying...sometimes more successful than others...to try and pick up the pieces of my life and solve the financial/emotional/situational mess he left me with...and own that I allowed it to happen to me - again.
In my case time taught me nothing. You sound strong though and I hope you get through this. Hugs
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