firebolt

I've distanced myself from the ex's friends and some of his family because they are addicts. Some of them I cared about deeply.

Since I've left, I can still see the spiral around him between the newspaper and social media.

One is under federal investigation for transporting meth - this was found out from the prosecuting attorney in a domestic violence case against him.

One got arrested for her 7th DUI this winter for doing cookies in an icy parking lot with her 7 year old in the car.

And another is in critical condition in a San Jose hospital after being shot repeatedly by the police....for going on a chase in his truck, and pointing a caulking gun at them after chasing a woman and her kid - all while naked.

I've blocked his cousin after calling me drunk.

Another friend xabf always suspected of doing meth died of natural causes at 40 a few weeks ago.

I worry that one day I will read about the x in the paper after some crazy incident. And I am so glad I am removed from that kind of chaos.

We tend to surround ourselves with like minded people...and that unfortunately tells me exactly where my mind and spirit have been for the better part of my life.

Now I have some people that are naturally distancing themselves from me and that's a good thing. I just don't party like I used to, at all, really. At the moment, I'm feeling the pain of at 40 years old, not really knowing how to meet healthy friends. And realizing that through the years, I have let the healthier ones go. I understand that for some reason, I am not as attracted to healthy personalities as I am to unhealthy ones! It's very slowly changing, but I'd love to light a fire under that growth if any of you have pointers how!

I have a kinda crazy personality - I want people in my life that help balance my crazy...not feed it.

I have the biker gals - but once kickstands are down, the booze is too...
My healthy fishing buddy got a girlfriend and I'm so happy for him, so I don't see him much lately...and a good portion of the river rats like me are not fishing and camping sober. I am feeling some empathy for alcoholics trying to change their lives...where do they find healthy friends outside of the rooms?!

FireSprite

I wish I had a great answer for you friend. Truth is that I struggle with this A LOT. And I'm not even opposed to being around drinking - which is good because it would be dang near impossible to manage that AND ever get to see a decent live music performance.

That is some crazy stuff though - it's unreal that we ever settled for that as part of our "normal".

I want to join a women's self-defense class & have been on the lookout for a new spiritual center. (I like ours, but feel like the more the merrier) I would jump into a new yoga or zumba class if I could control my schedule a bit more too - I figure I'm more likely to meet like-minded people in activities that interest me.

It's terrible & WRONG but my first thought when RAH recently joined a new band was "maybe I'll make a new friend!"..... but probably not, if history repeats. Just 'cuz the guys get along doesn't meant the girls do.

Smarie78

I feel your pain, but congratulate you in finding the strength to distance yourself from unhealthy persons - it's near impossible to do it especially when you still care for them deeply, as you put it.

I would suggest looking at a site called meetup.com where you can find local clubs and groups that share your same interests. I have always loved figure drawing so stumbled upon a group one day that met at did this each Thursday and Saturday. It was a great way to discover something I really enjoyed and helped unearth a hidden passion.

It gets harder to make friends as we get older, but finding like minded folks via Meetup is your best bet. Also, I'm not sure if too soon and how long you have been without your ex but have you thought about dating again?

LexieCat

I know a whole boatload of sober bikers who go on cross country trips and stuff. AA is full of bikers and their significant others. Actually, that's part of the reason I wanted to learn to ride--it seems like they have so much fun.

If you have any AA friends, you might ask if they know of any sober biking groups around. I'm sure you'd be welcome. The bikers tend to be some of the most serious-about-sobriety people I know. But they have great fun on those trips!

firebolt

HAHA FS!! There is ALWAYS a YOKO in the group!!!

THose are great ideas, guys. An exercise group (eek, I would have to commit lol), meetup.com and I'll check into any sober biking groups. My boss it the only person in AA I know, and she is still crazy lol...but, I've met a couple of her friends and her sponsor and they seem like people I'd be right peas in a pod with.

THanks - I've always been really outgoing and had plenty of friends...in hindsight...we had partying in common. I don't mind a couple drinks here and there, or even to have a once a year blow out, but it's not the every weekend life I want anymore. Maybe I never did - I just needed the people around me?!

AnvilheadII

this might sound kind of out of left field, but what if you pretended you were NEW to town - what would you do? probably do some sightseeing, tours, walking tours etc? maybe beginner kayaking or goat milking? hit the museums, art galleries, public library, etc.

try to see where you live with fresh eyes, maybe look up "new to town" activities. i also like the idea of learning more about sober bike clubs. ok, i kind of giggle when i imagine an Alanon Biker Gang, i mean club!

i just looked up alanon in my city and then events and there is a ton of stuff!!!

LexieCat

I just gotta share this story. I was at a meeting several years ago (one of my two home groups at the time), when this woman stands up to share (that should have been the first clue--nobody stands up to share), and it turns out she's the wife of an alcoholic. So even though it's sort of frowned upon for non-alcoholics to share at a meeting, everyone was polite as she went on, and ON, and ON about her alcoholic and his problems, and their life, and OMG--I thought she would never end. Finally, after about 10 minutes, I suggested we go outside and talk (though I didn't say it, so others could have an actual AA meeting).

We go out to one of the other classrooms (it's in the church's parish hall), and talk for a bit. She leans over and says that she doesn't think her husband really "belongs" in AA. I asked her why that was. She sort of looks left and right (even though we were the only ones in the room) and says, in this low, confidential tone, "There are BIKERS out there. With TATTOOS."

I tried to keep a straight face, as I assured her that the BIKERS were just ordinary people like anyone else there--we all had drinking problems and we'd found a common solution.

I never saw her again. Maybe she found a higher class of drunks, lol.

schnappi99

Speaking of bikes- sorry to hijack your thread firebolt, but hows the vmax? Weather is finally shaping up, I've been riding a fair bit this last week shaking out the cobwebs. An alanon friend of mine rides too but she hasn't got her bike going yet- slacker!

firebolt

Smart, Anvil - I've only changed towns once in my life and that was to leave my parents home and start college...and I just stayed here! That's how much I hate change LOL - Interesting take, I'll think about it!

Lexie - that's hysterical!

Schnappi - oh you know it breaks my heart to switch gears to bike talk...lol

It's great!! I've given it a facelift already. Superbike bars, 4 blinkers, headlight, grips, mirrors, and black levers are on the way. Now I can see all the brackets that need powdercoated black. No big deal....but if I do that, might as well black out the wheels. Then damn...swing arm, and shaft....haha. It's never ending but so much fun! I posted a before and after here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-22.html

Glad you're getting some riding in. I am too for sure, but spring in MT is 60 degrees one minute, then a snowstorm that same night, so I've been stealing a ride when I can! Shes running a bit rich (mostly at idle I think) and I am terrified to back off the A/F mix - those tiny brass screws scare me...

Wisconsin

I struggle, too, fb. I have a huge work project that has been going on for the last six months (and which totally just went to h***, through no fault of my own) that gave me the benefit of meeting some new people at my work. It's waaaay outside my comfort zone, but I have made a point of trying to forge a real life honest to goodness friendship with a couple of them, and that has helped. I am fortunate to work for a government entity that employs over 4,000 people, so it's a big universe (and my job puts me in contact with LOTS of diverse people). With my kids, and the fact that my girls live an hour away during the week and I do a lot of driving, and my gentleman friend's daughter, I don't have a ton of free time. I am learning, though (slowly but surely) to make time for friendships where I can. Right now work seems to be the biggest source for me.

Hang in there, my friend. I, too, still watch from afar the trainwrecks for STBXAH and some of his friends and family. It makes me so, so sad.

schnappi99

Yeah those af screws are a pest on the bandit. I had to modify a screwdriver- cut it off short and put a marks on the handle ridges so I could count partial turns. My prev owner left one way out made the engine run horribly. The difference between rich and normal amounts to < 1/4 turn on mine but they don't seem to drift once set.

Looked at your other page your max looks fantastic!

TropicalWinter

We moved to Florida in 2009, right after my middle child was born.

I had been rather isolated between having very young children (I've since had another child, he's 3 now) and other circumstances in my life (I'm an introvert, shy, addict spouse, etc).

When STBXAH left, I was basically forced into the position of figuring out what the hell I was going to do. So, with the promise of financial support until I could get on my feet after being an at-home mom since 2000, I returned to school.

Despite some massive amounts of various kinds of BS, it has been an amazing experience. I've gotten to know people, and I've been completely accepted as a peer by the other students even though I'm by far the oldest one there.

This has bolstered my confidence bigtime.

I love the idea of checking out my town like a tourist!

Skedaddle

I am positive you can find a sober biking community. I can think of at least three bikers I know who got into it through their AA groups.

If you're that kind of person, though, I've got another hobby for you to try: skydiving. There's a definite beer culture involved, but only at the end of the day (the "beer light" is on, as they say). While jumping is happening--right up until sunset--not a drop of alcohol in sight.

Give it a try. It's an amazing activity and, if you like your first tandem and decide to get licensed independently, will give you a ready-made group of friends.

firebolt

Really great ideas, guys. Wisconsin, I definitely can look for friends wherever I go. I feel like I really keep people surface level at work because I have to - but that's my own making, for sure!

TW - I'm glad you fit right in! I volunteered for a holiday toy drive, and I think I get so nose - to - the - grind when I work that I forget to enjoy it and the people around me!

Skedaddle - that's a great idea. I've always wanted to skydive or hang glide - maybe both! THey do jumps about 70 miles from me in an area called "Paradise Valley." Maybe this'll be the year I try it!

Scnappi - I am going to have to do something similar. I have thick screwdrivers but they are too wide and the screws are in a hole. Sounds like if your tool doesn't fit perfectly, you can bugger them up. THanks for the modification idea - I looked around at the parts store and didn't see one that would fit. And thanks - i'm loving getting to know the ins and outs, and she's shaping up well!

schnappi99

My af screws weren't hard to turn- so no issue with damaging the slots when using a small screwdriver. The big problem on the Bandit mikuni's is the pressed in covers have to be removed to provide access to the screws, which means pulling the carbs. With the covers pulled the af screws can be adjusted with the carbs installed. IIRC motionpro sells a right-angle screwdriver that makes such adjustment easier but I've never used one.

What might work great is a stubby regular screwdriver with the shank & tip ground down for fit, I didn't have one of those so hacked up a small screwdriver instead. OTOH clearances on the bandit are such that the small diameter handle is necessary.

firebolt

They are in a bit of a hole but I don't need to pull the carbs for them. They do have plugs on them, and it sounds like they have to be drilled out sometimes. I'm mainly worried about buggering up the slots. I'll tackle it this weekend - fingers crossed! I don't have a bench grinder, just a handheld and a bench vise - well see how the first screwdriver mod goes too lol.