AlwysConflicted

Messed up big time. I came on here what I thought was a while ago to write a long disappointed post in my relapse with cocaine, following a very complicated nasal surgery which I honestly believed at the time to be the end of my cocaine use altogether. I remember that day, seeing as it's not long ago, and remember how crappy I felt after I finished the limited amount I allowed myself to buy. I felt crappy but determined to not slip back and continue on being happy and sober.

Well it did slip, badly. That mistake seemed to open up the floodgates of my addiction and I went for it head first. I realise now that I wrote that post 12 days ago... I honestly wasn't expecting that. I didn't think it was more than a week...

Ive only had a couple of breaks in between. Following my relapse I binged for 3 nights then stopped for 2 as was attending a friends wedding and slept. After last weekend I think was another 3 day binge or so followed by another 2 days of sleep and bed. I thought it was over then. Again I failed. I recognise why, my biggest trigger - food urges. When i'm not binging on cocaine I tend to turn my bad habits towards my relationship with food either severely controlling and restricting or binging. The moment I couldn't get my mind off pizza was the moment I also decided in my twisted mind that cocaine was the lesser of two evils (how the F can I even believe this **** at the time?) and without further thought sent the text, awaited delivery, it was as quick as a pizza delivery would have been...

Its been 2 days since i've slept now and 12 days of abuse to my body and health. I am exhausted. I am fatigued but not tired. I finally ran out and even in the sense of absolute gloom I get at the end of a binge a part of me feels so relieved I could cry. I have barely eaten for the past 12 days that I had to sit in the shower for lack of energy. I forget to drink water during binges and I am severly dehydrated. My lips are cracked and bleeding, my skin has changed colour to a greyish tone, my body is generally unhappy.

Aside from the physical discomfort, my thoughts and brain are all turning negative. I know i'm being paranoid and overly suspicious in general but I don't really know if it's justified somewhat or just completely in my head. I feel mentally fatigued but my eyes are peeled open and my brain and thoughts are in full on ADHD overdrive. Quite a few times now writing this post i've gone completely blank in the middle of a sentence and just sat there wondering what it is I wanted to write.

And then theres the effect it has on morale. I find a positive outlook on this extremely difficult right now. I really took my nose op as the final straw. It forced me to stop and was such a blessing in disguise at the time. I took it as a sign that I got away lucky and I vowed not to push that luck. But here I am, pushing it. Ungrateful really that I was given a golden opportunity to quit. I had no choice. My nose was non functioning and was starting to collapse. Ego apparently is a good motivation against addiction. But fix it up, let a few months pass and the problem is fixed and forgotten, I can take advantage again.

I can pinpoint why I initially relapsed, I understand the triggers, I am a logical person but it seems that when it comes to it my addictive voice can be so overpowering, blinding and persuasive that I do not even offer a counterargument to myself when the idea sets into my brain. I thought I had gained control, I didn't realise how quickly and dramatically I could lose it again...Why does it consume me this way? Why am I letting it win again and again when i'm the only one who loses from it. Why can't I just be stronger like the person I pretend to be...

On a positive note - I am going away back home in 2 days. I never use there or take with me. A change in my environment will definitely put an end to this and i'm thankful I am able to switch up my routine like this. On the other hand, i'm so full of doubt in myself now and my abilities. If my nose wasn't enough to stop me then what will it take? Am I really going to continue this way until something more permanent stops me next time. A heart attack, a stroke...I've always held a real belief that nothing too bad will ever happen to me. Just a strong sensation from out of nowhere. Logic reminds me it will given time. As a generally logical person, why am I allowing myself to be so easily fooled.

AlwysConflicted

Just realised I posted in the wrong thread. Sorry about that

Soberwolf

bump

Midwest1981

wow that is pretty scary. I hope this is your wake up call to quit. I felt a lot of those emotions when I quit drinking 10 months ago. The paranoia scared me so bad I haven't drinked again.

I hope you take care of yourself. Eat good, drink a lot of water, gain your strength back, keep posting here and come up with a plan to handle the cravings.

don't listen to that feeling that nothing bad could happen to you. It sounds like that is your addicted voice trying not to get you to quit.

Algorithm

Did you ever actually look into AVRT, as soberlicious suggested in your previous relapse thread, to gain some insight into your dilemma regarding your internal conflict, and your addictive voice (AV)?

Your AV is the rational expression of a false survival drive, which lives to get high, and gets high in order to live. It will not be deterred from its agenda by any 'logical' counter arguments you may have, because it is simply very illogical, and very irrational, to not try and stay alive, especially for a survival drive.

When faced with the prospect of death by deprivation of ITS precious survival stuff, your new, healthy nose becomes just another commodity to be cashed in for a fix, as was your old nose. No different than the money that buys the cocaine.

There is more information on AVRT in the secular connections forum, if you are interested in learning more. You can also find a free crash course on AVRT via Google search.

AlwysConflicted

I had briefly looked at it when it was first suggested but the next day I just went back into binge mode and before I wore it out it wouldn't even cross my mind to acknowledge what I was really doing. It's as if I told myself that I messed up and so would 'make the most of it' (as if its a thing i missed so much) and just went back into my hole. Its just so disappointing. I will read up more about AVRT because it seems from what you're saying to agree with the methods ive naturally been trying with myself and hopefully will give me some better techniques so I can make my rational voice stronger in bad times. thanks

AlwysConflicted

even knowing this is a typical feeling 'nothing bad will ever happen to me' ive been google searching a lot today and that idea with cocaine addiction seems to be very common. and very dangerous! I was scared earlier, i took anti-nausea medication as i for the first time experienced severe nausea and vomitting which is a new side effect for me and it has passed now but it was as if my body just begging me to stop abusing it and a warning of things to come..thanks for posting!

Algorithm

Your addiction is essentially a false survival drive, and the AV is not an irrational belief that can be disputed away. The feeling of intoxication from cocaine is interpreted by your body as being necessary for survival, just as with other survival drives for food, water, and oxygen.

When addicted, people are of two minds about using, with one party wanting to quit using for survival reasons, and the other wanting to continue using, also for survival reasons. This is why people often take only half-measures to solve the problem, such as moderation.

Both parties to the conflict are acting quite rationally, insofar as their own survival interests are concerned, but the stakes are high for both, hence the persistence and ruthlessness of the AV. The addiction simply does not want to die, any more than the true self does.

With such high stakes on the table, rational arguments and other half-measures are often not enough, and AVRT might be likened to a chosen irrationality, patterned after the very ruthless and single-minded focus of the addictive voice itself. In order to defeat the addiction, AVRT teaches us to match it.

MarkTwain

That is really frightening. The most frightening part to me is the rationalizations we can come up with....cocaine better than pizza (and quicker to get???).

Yikes.

AlwysConflicted

'When addicted, people are of two minds about using, with one party wanting to quit using for survival reasons, and the other wanting to continue using, also for survival reasons.'

What you posted is so true and I've never really thought about it in that way. I've always considered my AV to simply be my irrational, destructive escapism side but as I read quote above I did tend to and still somewhere in my mind believe that my binges were a necessary and welcome escape from reality and life and ironically some peace from my mind (as real life stresses and worries don't factor into my thoughts during binges, it's as if reality fades away).

While one side of me fully knows how big of a lie and how my continuous acceptance of this lie was basically brainwashing, another side to me in difficult moments just takes over and makes me believe its deserved and needed.

I really relate to all you posted. I feel reading up on this and really acknowledging this way of thinking could be a source of great strength. Thanks

AlwysConflicted

yes really is crazy the level of denial I can hide behind at times to justify to myself how it may be a good idea. And whatever I find as a justification i'll grab onto it and not even reconsider or argue it. Its only now at the end where I can reflect and its just so massively disappointing.