How do I cope?
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How do I cope?
I saw my son yesterday for the 1st time in about 3 weeks and he has gone downhill so fast I am scared. He has lost almost 2 pant sizes and his eyes are sunken in his head. How do I stand by and watch my son die? Isn't there anything that can be done? I am new at this so please be patient with me. Knitting Needles
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Needles....
Pernell recommended this site to another poster last week... www.intervention.com
I frankly don't know a lot about intervention, but I understand wanting to do whatever you can to try to help your child. Just remember that sometimes we try everything and the disease is more stubborn than we are. Please get some help for YOURSELF... alanon or naranon, church, counseling... whatever you are comfortable with. The final choice is with your son. It is not your fault.
Smoke
Pernell recommended this site to another poster last week... www.intervention.com
I frankly don't know a lot about intervention, but I understand wanting to do whatever you can to try to help your child. Just remember that sometimes we try everything and the disease is more stubborn than we are. Please get some help for YOURSELF... alanon or naranon, church, counseling... whatever you are comfortable with. The final choice is with your son. It is not your fault.
Smoke
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Needles.
We all find it hard to accept. That's why you see over and over in 12 step literature that we have to keep going back and reworking step one. "We admitted that we were powerless over the addict. That our lives had become unmanageable."
Dino is the same age as your son. He is pretty intelligent, too. HE doesn't accept the magnitude of his problem. At least, I haven't seen evidence that he does.
Get this. The last time Dino went on a tear, I wound up on the phone with his mom. They had been sending him scads of money for "emergencies" on what was supposed to be a short trip out of town. She asked "what is he doing with all the money?"
"I expect he's back up to his old tricks."
"What old tricks?"
"Using drugs."
"Oh, but he swore to us he wasn't using drugs."
"Umm.... didn't he just get out of a drug rehab program?"
"Oh, no. He said that was for depression and anxiety."
Please realize that his parents have bailed him out of jail on crack charges. They've lost their HOUSE paying for his drugs, but won't acknowledge the problem. How's that for not accepting? You're way ahead of them.
Once you get past enabling behavior, the only thing you can do is find resources, tell him about them and pray he decides to use them. Now worry about YOU.
Smoke
We all find it hard to accept. That's why you see over and over in 12 step literature that we have to keep going back and reworking step one. "We admitted that we were powerless over the addict. That our lives had become unmanageable."
Dino is the same age as your son. He is pretty intelligent, too. HE doesn't accept the magnitude of his problem. At least, I haven't seen evidence that he does.
Get this. The last time Dino went on a tear, I wound up on the phone with his mom. They had been sending him scads of money for "emergencies" on what was supposed to be a short trip out of town. She asked "what is he doing with all the money?"
"I expect he's back up to his old tricks."
"What old tricks?"
"Using drugs."
"Oh, but he swore to us he wasn't using drugs."
"Umm.... didn't he just get out of a drug rehab program?"
"Oh, no. He said that was for depression and anxiety."
Please realize that his parents have bailed him out of jail on crack charges. They've lost their HOUSE paying for his drugs, but won't acknowledge the problem. How's that for not accepting? You're way ahead of them.
Once you get past enabling behavior, the only thing you can do is find resources, tell him about them and pray he decides to use them. Now worry about YOU.
Smoke
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You are so right, my son has been denying even though he knows that I know better, and has all the answers for AA or any other organization that he attends or has attended. He was avoiding me purposely, but it still hurts to see him so skeletal. I am trying so hard to push this image out of my head, and eventually I will do it, but for now it is hard. thanks again.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Why Rev... why would I blow your head off? You never once said "whining" or "only way".
This site functions on good solid information from anybody who's got it. Thank you.
Smoke
This site functions on good solid information from anybody who's got it. Thank you.
Smoke
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Thank you Roven Rev and I did go on that sight briefly earlier, but I got interrupted. I doubt that his father would participate (an ex-alcoholic) and his brother is in Massachusetts, but I will check into it. I have heard good things about this in the past but my mind has been clouded with this terrible image. I will also check out that book. I appreciate your imput.
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Your son has to want to change before there can be any change. My son has a drug problem also. It is hell watching him go down the wrong road. He is 25 years old and I can talk till I am blue in the face, but he has to admit that he has a problem. All we can do is to stop enabling the person and work the steps for our self. I think it is so horrible, this disease that the more we try to fix it, the worse it gets.
I wish you the very best.
Becky
I wish you the very best.
Becky
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 12
Hi Knitting Needles (love that name by the way),
My advice is the reinforce what roven rev said, never give them any money, regardless of what story he may come up with! There will be some good ones most likely. Lock up your house tight and keep an eye on the valuables too. If he goes to jail, leave him there~ no matter how much he whines or screams at you. That time can be spent getting sober/clean. This may sound harsh and down right mean, but I know from experience they are necessary or our wonderful addicts can bleed you dry both financially and emotionally. He is absolutely old enough to make his choice as to whether he wants to use or not, it has NOTHING to do with you or how he feels about you. The last time I said this, I got accused of being somewhat hopeless, but I am going to say it again anyway. First you should know I once could have been the poster girl for codepenceny and so I say this truly from the heart and not with the intention of not keeping hope alive. I do not think interventions are the first thing on the hit parade. I think they are risky and do not ALWAYS work. If they work, it is, as rev said a win-win situation (assuming you work on yourself too), but the hard truth is that they do not always work. When this happens, if you are a candidate for codepedent poster girl, it can leave you feeling that you have failed and that somehow it is your fault that your son/loved one chose drugs over a chance at a good life. Sorry, I think I have rambled once again. Hope is alive in everyday things and whatever you decide you to do (and I am by no means telling you not to consider intervention), I just want you to start taking care of you. Give your son gently over to God, he will take care of him. Realize slowly or quickly that you are entitled to having a happy life and that your son gets to make his choices all on his own ~ both good and bad. I wish you much love and support. I am proud to meet you, and hope I don't seem like there is no hope for you or your son.
As always~
The Wife
My advice is the reinforce what roven rev said, never give them any money, regardless of what story he may come up with! There will be some good ones most likely. Lock up your house tight and keep an eye on the valuables too. If he goes to jail, leave him there~ no matter how much he whines or screams at you. That time can be spent getting sober/clean. This may sound harsh and down right mean, but I know from experience they are necessary or our wonderful addicts can bleed you dry both financially and emotionally. He is absolutely old enough to make his choice as to whether he wants to use or not, it has NOTHING to do with you or how he feels about you. The last time I said this, I got accused of being somewhat hopeless, but I am going to say it again anyway. First you should know I once could have been the poster girl for codepenceny and so I say this truly from the heart and not with the intention of not keeping hope alive. I do not think interventions are the first thing on the hit parade. I think they are risky and do not ALWAYS work. If they work, it is, as rev said a win-win situation (assuming you work on yourself too), but the hard truth is that they do not always work. When this happens, if you are a candidate for codepedent poster girl, it can leave you feeling that you have failed and that somehow it is your fault that your son/loved one chose drugs over a chance at a good life. Sorry, I think I have rambled once again. Hope is alive in everyday things and whatever you decide you to do (and I am by no means telling you not to consider intervention), I just want you to start taking care of you. Give your son gently over to God, he will take care of him. Realize slowly or quickly that you are entitled to having a happy life and that your son gets to make his choices all on his own ~ both good and bad. I wish you much love and support. I am proud to meet you, and hope I don't seem like there is no hope for you or your son.
As always~
The Wife
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Thanks to all of you, and Becky, it must be harder for you since your son is only 25. It is good to know that I am not alone in this horrible nightmare. I have heard about intervention in the past with lots of successes, but I need to look into it further before I act on it and I also need the cooperation of the rest of the family.
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It is also nice to meet you "The Wife" and to hear what you have to say. My ex has been sober for over 20 years and he advised me not to give money etc. which I really don't have to give being retired, but I recently went back to Massachusetts for 3 months to take care of my sister who had terminal cancer, I left my house key with my neighbor and left specific orders with the office that my son was not allowed access to my home. He never asked for them in fact he has been deliberately avoiding me, but I had to see him the other day and immediately I broke down because he looks like death. He re-assured me that he was ok which I let him know that he wasn't but I did not pursue it and told him I was here if he needed me. It is a totally helpless feeling and I know that I have to get myself together and think of me. These letters have helped immensely and I cannot thank all of you enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Queens,NY
Posts: 13
As someone who's been there (on both sides). Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Keep the focus on yourself, and read the literature. The literature (Al-Anon approved books only) has all the answers. Use the Steps. The 3rd step will make life easier.
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I agree 90 in 90
& I didnt see my addict for a long time. I got the steps worked them & worked on me. I was the focus.
when he relapsed I was ALERT AWARE & gone.
I took a picture of him last time he was here.
They always say they are O.K the same way aneroxics think they look FAT!
well I have it frozen in time & had it blown up ( u get a free 8x10 with ur developments.)
Good luck needles
sounds like u are on the road to U
gold is best!
& I didnt see my addict for a long time. I got the steps worked them & worked on me. I was the focus.
when he relapsed I was ALERT AWARE & gone.
I took a picture of him last time he was here.
They always say they are O.K the same way aneroxics think they look FAT!
well I have it frozen in time & had it blown up ( u get a free 8x10 with ur developments.)
Good luck needles
sounds like u are on the road to U
gold is best!
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