First post - need advice
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
First post - need advice
Hi, I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 3 years. He is an alcholic and has been in recovery over the last year. Prior to recovery his drinking was unbearable, 3 day binges full of black outs. All in which affected his job, relationships and health. Jeckle and Hyde. I feel I had to tip toe around his "behavior of the day". His past year of recovery Included many relapses, he has not been able to remain sober more than 3 months. His life has been the best it's ever been, his relationship with his children, parents, work, us. His thinking is much clearer and our relationship was going really well. I noticed over the past two weeks he was struggling. He was withdrawaljng from me, snappy, not loving like normal so I knew it was coming. But I didn't expect this when we sat down to talk - he told me he was going to start drinking again. He did quite a bit of blaming me for different things, which i understand is probably pretty common. His perception of reality is sqewed. I told him I couldn't be together if that's what he was choosing to do. He was upset by this, but stood by his decision. We hugged and cried, but he packed his belongings and left. I've done this so many times with him and am so beat down trying to save him. Staying with him is hurting me, affectingy self esteem and I am very co-dependent. He's not a good person when he drinks, and says hurtful things and at times has cheated. I can't understand why doesn't see the reward of how wonderful his life and relationships are when he is sober. I can't continue to do this any longer, but need to find the strenghth to not take him back or bail him out of trouble. I feel that i base my value on the worth of the relationship and that's not a good place to be. I am hurting and feel alone and don't want to discuss wih my family and friends. I've kept this a secret. Advice?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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You took the first positive step to take care of you - you talked about it. I'm only two weeks sober, but this site has been a Godsend. I can talk to anyone about anything and there's no judgment. The advice isn't always relevant or helpful, but it's given from the heart with no agendas, and that in itself means the world to me. Give the folks here a chance, and give yourself a break. Sounds like you deserve it.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Stay safe, do not ghost social media. Perhaps go to an AL-anon meeting and see a counsellor for support and guidance. You cannot change the behaviour of an addict- only they can do that.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
Stay safe, do not ghost social media. Perhaps go to an AL-anon meeting and see a counsellor for support and guidance. You cannot change the behaviour of an addict- only they can do that.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by grayghost1965
You took the first positive step to take care of you - you talked about it. I'm only two weeks sober, but this site has been a Godsend. I can talk to anyone about anything and there's no judgment. The advice isn't always relevant or helpful, but it's given from the heart with no agendas, and that in itself means the world to me. Give the folks here a chance, and give yourself a break. Sounds like you deserve it.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Remember HALTS if Hungry, Angry, Lonely ,Tired (or Thirst) or Sad- what can you do? Eat, hydrate, sleep. If you can't - who can help you? Also mindful breathing- take stuff by the minute if you have to.
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I think the key to breaking that cycle of come here -go away, on again-off again roller coaster ride is that WE need to do something different. WE need to break our own codependent cycle and stick to healthy boundaries.
At this point it has nothing at all to do with him or his issues and everything to do with you and yours.
Much like the alcoholic, abstinence from our drug of choice (them) needs to be put into place. Block him from contacting you, don't answer the door if he shows up. Don't go seek information about him, follow him on social media or check up on him.
Accept what he honestly has told you, he wants to drink again, this is the life he choices for himself. You have chosen something different, something that no longer will allow an alcoholic to run your life.
Keep posting, try al-anon and do what ever it is you have to do to keep away from what hurts you the most, which is him and his choices.
At this point it has nothing at all to do with him or his issues and everything to do with you and yours.
Much like the alcoholic, abstinence from our drug of choice (them) needs to be put into place. Block him from contacting you, don't answer the door if he shows up. Don't go seek information about him, follow him on social media or check up on him.
Accept what he honestly has told you, he wants to drink again, this is the life he choices for himself. You have chosen something different, something that no longer will allow an alcoholic to run your life.
Keep posting, try al-anon and do what ever it is you have to do to keep away from what hurts you the most, which is him and his choices.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm sorry this has happened, but at least he has been clear with you. He can't remain abstinent at this stage of his life, even if it costs him his relationships with loved ones, job and clarity about life. Its so sad that he can make the decision deliberately when he knows the cost.
Look after yourself now. Try Al-Anon or counselling, and stay clear in your mind about why you can't be together. Life does move on, and hurting becomes less acute over time and hopefully you'll be rewarded for being strong now.
Once you've taken care of the practical matters it will help you if you can go no contact with him, especially as you're susceptible to changing your mind.
I suggest you confide in some close family or friends you can trust. It will make this process so much easier for you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Its common for secrecy to surround an A, and not telling anyone is part of the co-dependency mindset. You don't have to keep his secrets for him any more.
Look after yourself now. Try Al-Anon or counselling, and stay clear in your mind about why you can't be together. Life does move on, and hurting becomes less acute over time and hopefully you'll be rewarded for being strong now.
Once you've taken care of the practical matters it will help you if you can go no contact with him, especially as you're susceptible to changing your mind.
I suggest you confide in some close family or friends you can trust. It will make this process so much easier for you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Its common for secrecy to surround an A, and not telling anyone is part of the co-dependency mindset. You don't have to keep his secrets for him any more.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, mmdillon. Welcome. I am sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
I guess I would second what others have said. Take care of yourself and take the steps you need to take to move on.
Sadly, the only thing alcohol dependent people love is alcohol. Everything else is a distant second. At least your SO was straight enough to tell you that he is not ready to give up drinking. In a way, he gave you a gift.
Life without an alcoholic in it.
Peace.
I guess I would second what others have said. Take care of yourself and take the steps you need to take to move on.
Sadly, the only thing alcohol dependent people love is alcohol. Everything else is a distant second. At least your SO was straight enough to tell you that he is not ready to give up drinking. In a way, he gave you a gift.
Life without an alcoholic in it.
Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by atalose
I think the key to breaking that cycle of come here -go away, on again-off again roller coaster ride is that WE need to do something different. WE need to break our own codependent cycle and stick to healthy boundaries.
At this point it has nothing at all to do with him or his issues and everything to do with you and yours.
Much like the alcoholic, abstinence from our drug of choice (them) needs to be put into place. Block him from contacting you, don't answer the door if he shows up. Don't go seek information about him, follow him on social media or check up on him.
Accept what he honestly has told you, he wants to drink again, this is the life he choices for himself. You have chosen something different, something that no longer will allow an alcoholic to run your life.
Keep posting, try al-anon and do what ever it is you have to do to keep away from what hurts you the most, which is him and his choices.
At this point it has nothing at all to do with him or his issues and everything to do with you and yours.
Much like the alcoholic, abstinence from our drug of choice (them) needs to be put into place. Block him from contacting you, don't answer the door if he shows up. Don't go seek information about him, follow him on social media or check up on him.
Accept what he honestly has told you, he wants to drink again, this is the life he choices for himself. You have chosen something different, something that no longer will allow an alcoholic to run your life.
Keep posting, try al-anon and do what ever it is you have to do to keep away from what hurts you the most, which is him and his choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, mmdillon. Welcome. I am sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
I guess I would second what others have said. Take care of yourself and take the steps you need to take to move on.
Sadly, the only thing alcohol dependent people love is alcohol. Everything else is a distant second. At least your SO was straight enough to tell you that he is not ready to give up drinking. In a way, he gave you a gift.
Life without an alcoholic in it.
Peace.
I guess I would second what others have said. Take care of yourself and take the steps you need to take to move on.
Sadly, the only thing alcohol dependent people love is alcohol. Everything else is a distant second. At least your SO was straight enough to tell you that he is not ready to give up drinking. In a way, he gave you a gift.
Life without an alcoholic in it.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
I'm sorry this has happened, but at least he has been clear with you. He can't remain abstinent at this stage of his life, even if it costs him his relationships with loved ones, job and clarity about life. Its so sad that he can make the decision deliberately when he knows the cost.
Look after yourself now. Try Al-Anon or counselling, and stay clear in your mind about why you can't be together. Life does move on, and hurting becomes less acute over time and hopefully you'll be rewarded for being strong now.
Once you've taken care of the practical matters it will help you if you can go no contact with him, especially as you're susceptible to changing your mind.
I suggest you confide in some close family or friends you can trust. It will make this process so much easier for you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Its common for secrecy to surround an A, and not telling anyone is part of the co-dependency mindset. You don't have to keep his secrets for him any more.
Look after yourself now. Try Al-Anon or counselling, and stay clear in your mind about why you can't be together. Life does move on, and hurting becomes less acute over time and hopefully you'll be rewarded for being strong now.
Once you've taken care of the practical matters it will help you if you can go no contact with him, especially as you're susceptible to changing your mind.
I suggest you confide in some close family or friends you can trust. It will make this process so much easier for you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Its common for secrecy to surround an A, and not telling anyone is part of the co-dependency mindset. You don't have to keep his secrets for him any more.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 15
I am going through the same thing and it helps so much to read through everyones advice.
It's so hard to break this cycle of co-dependance especially if you have kids. But the more I read the more I realize with him there will be no normal live. I can not take responsibility for him any longer. I'm hurting myself and my kids.
Hope everything works out well for you.
It's so hard to break this cycle of co-dependance especially if you have kids. But the more I read the more I realize with him there will be no normal live. I can not take responsibility for him any longer. I'm hurting myself and my kids.
Hope everything works out well for you.
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