Took his cards
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Took his cards
I have posted another thread about my general misery with my AH but I started this to talk about my specific current situation. Before I left for work, AH went to the store and bought a six pack. I was gone 10 hours and expected to come home to him not drunk. He generally drinks way more. So he sends me a few drunken text and I knew he bought more and hid it. He woke up and I asked him about it. He admitted to hiding because he "knew I would b*itch about it and he didn't want to hear it". I told him I'm not doing this anymore. I will no longer allow him to spend money on beer. I took his bank cards. I just can't let him spend our money (that I work so hard for) on alcohol. Of course he was so mad. Said I was controlling and had no right to control all of our money.
I'm on the fence about whether or not this was a bad move on my part. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to do this.
I know tomorrow will be an argument about it. I've done this before and caved. He makes me feel so guilty. Im not going to give them back this time though! He may leave because I'm a "controlling b*". Idk if I even care at this point. I don't even know what to say or do anymore.
I'm on the fence about whether or not this was a bad move on my part. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to do this.
I know tomorrow will be an argument about it. I've done this before and caved. He makes me feel so guilty. Im not going to give them back this time though! He may leave because I'm a "controlling b*". Idk if I even care at this point. I don't even know what to say or do anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Hi there and welcome!
Sorry you are going through this. Rest assured than many of us had to do the same thing.
He will most likely call you controlling - he is an alcoholic and you are making it harder for him to drink. It is, however, the right decision. He is not acting like responsible adult. I don't know what the law says about this - what I ended up doing when he straightened up after one of his relapses - all salaries were deposited in my account and then he would get allowances. At the end of the day - I got tired of monitoring his sobriety and left him after his last relapse. But short term-wise you have to protect your finances
Taking the cards may not do the trick - is his name on the account? He may just order a new one, write a check, get a withdrawal from the bank. If so - set up a new one and move your money/direct deposit there. You can then close the account that has his name on it. It strikes me as odd, but you don't need signature to close the account he is on, but you do need his signature to remove him.
I did just that and avoided the drama of having to search for the drunk (he was missing), and having to pry card out of his hands.
Sorry you are going through this. Rest assured than many of us had to do the same thing.
He will most likely call you controlling - he is an alcoholic and you are making it harder for him to drink. It is, however, the right decision. He is not acting like responsible adult. I don't know what the law says about this - what I ended up doing when he straightened up after one of his relapses - all salaries were deposited in my account and then he would get allowances. At the end of the day - I got tired of monitoring his sobriety and left him after his last relapse. But short term-wise you have to protect your finances
Taking the cards may not do the trick - is his name on the account? He may just order a new one, write a check, get a withdrawal from the bank. If so - set up a new one and move your money/direct deposit there. You can then close the account that has his name on it. It strikes me as odd, but you don't need signature to close the account he is on, but you do need his signature to remove him.
I did just that and avoided the drama of having to search for the drunk (he was missing), and having to pry card out of his hands.
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 
Hi there and welcome!
Sorry you are going through this. Rest assured than many of us had to do the same thing.
He will most likely call you controlling - he is an alcoholic and you are making it harder for him to drink. It is, however, the right decision. He is not acting like responsible adult. I don't know what the law says about this - what I ended up doing when he straightened up after one of his relapses - all salaries were deposited in my account and then he would get allowances. At the end of the day - I got tired of monitoring his sobriety and left him after his last relapse. But short term-wise you have to protect your finances
Taking the cards may not do the trick - is his name on the account? He may just order a new one, write a check, get a withdrawal from the bank. If so - set up a new one and move your money/direct deposit there. You can then close the account that has his name on it. It strikes me as odd, but you don't need signature to close the account he is on, but you do need his signature to remove him.
I did just that and avoided the drama of having to search for the drunk (he was missing), and having to pry card out of his hands.
Sorry you are going through this. Rest assured than many of us had to do the same thing.
He will most likely call you controlling - he is an alcoholic and you are making it harder for him to drink. It is, however, the right decision. He is not acting like responsible adult. I don't know what the law says about this - what I ended up doing when he straightened up after one of his relapses - all salaries were deposited in my account and then he would get allowances. At the end of the day - I got tired of monitoring his sobriety and left him after his last relapse. But short term-wise you have to protect your finances
Taking the cards may not do the trick - is his name on the account? He may just order a new one, write a check, get a withdrawal from the bank. If so - set up a new one and move your money/direct deposit there. You can then close the account that has his name on it. It strikes me as odd, but you don't need signature to close the account he is on, but you do need his signature to remove him.
I did just that and avoided the drama of having to search for the drunk (he was missing), and having to pry card out of his hands.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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My addicted loved ones are family members, never married to an alcoholic, so I don't have an experience to share. I suppose if he has access to the joint account, and he has some of his own money in it, you can't really keep him from spending that money on beer.
But you can keep your money safe from him so that you can cover the household expenses. If he wants spending money, he can earn his own, right?
But you can keep your money safe from him so that you can cover the household expenses. If he wants spending money, he can earn his own, right?
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Originally Posted by Seren
My addicted loved ones are family members, never married to an alcoholic, so I don't have an experience to share. I suppose if he has access to the joint account, and he has some of his own money in it, you can't really keep him from spending that money on beer.
But you can keep your money safe from him so that you can cover the household expenses. If he wants spending money, he can earn his own, right?
But you can keep your money safe from him so that you can cover the household expenses. If he wants spending money, he can earn his own, right?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Welp, I guess he's going to have to get a 'beer job' somewhere then! If he re-directs his child support payments for beer (not that that has never happened), that is not your responsibility and the legal weight of that will fall on him.
Is he disabled in some way and unable to work...I mean other than being an active alcoholic?
Is he disabled in some way and unable to work...I mean other than being an active alcoholic?
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
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Gosh, I know there was a time in my life I wanted someone to take my cards. Personally, I would just get a separate account with to operate the household. If he has an income, he should contribute x amount to the household and it should go into that account. It is not about controlling, but about protecting yourself and the home/budget. Even a good man if he is controlled by alcohol will not make responsible choices. I know this.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I think the problem is bigger than taking cards. Or only giving small amounts of cash. Or keeping a breathalyzer on hand. Or checking the receipts or my bag when I came out of the grocery to see what I had (or hadn't) bought. Or.....
All things my parents tried in their increasingly desperate attempts to get me to quit drinking.
I didn't quit- and my life, and their lives by extension- didn't change til I wanted to quit drinking and did.
All things my parents tried in their increasingly desperate attempts to get me to quit drinking.
I didn't quit- and my life, and their lives by extension- didn't change til I wanted to quit drinking and did.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Actually, think about if the shoe were on the other foot. He's the breadwinner, you have a teensy check, and he won't let you spend money because it's "his" and he doesn't approve of what you buy. A lot of abusers do that.
I'd suggest separating your finances somehow, such that after joint or necessary expenses you each have "x" amount of money to spend (and it should be equal). If he chooses to spend his on booze and you choose to spend yours on whatever, that's your individual choice.
Of course, you can also be sick of the whole deal--that he's not working and you income is supporting his habit. Divorce or separation are options, too.
I'd suggest separating your finances somehow, such that after joint or necessary expenses you each have "x" amount of money to spend (and it should be equal). If he chooses to spend his on booze and you choose to spend yours on whatever, that's your individual choice.
Of course, you can also be sick of the whole deal--that he's not working and you income is supporting his habit. Divorce or separation are options, too.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Glad to see you came back and posted again!! Sorry about your AH lying and hiding, the insults and accusations are a normal behavior from the alcoholic. Mine called me Hitler and told me that I run the house like a concentration camp (insert eyeroll here). Keep posting, you're not alone.
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He's in a position where he can't earn for himself except with casual jobs as you move around a lot, which puts him in your power financially. I may be wrong about that, but I understand its your career he's with you moving for.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
He's in a position where he can't earn for himself except with casual jobs as you move around a lot, which puts him in your power financially. I may be wrong about that, but I understand its your career he's with you moving for.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
But in our case, RAH was fully capable of working & earning money & choosing not to in a lot of ways. I wasn't the breadwinner by design, but by default & it wasn't enough to afford us the lifestyle he was funding. The money he was draining from our accounts was needed for household & life bills - he had already blown through our combined savings & ripped into his retirement account. When I set these financial boundaries for myself it was out of self-preservation not only for myself but for DD who was about 6-7 at the time. One of us had to be responsible enough to keep the mortgage paid & food in the fridge for her, if nothing else.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Not quite buying the moving for career as a cause of unemployment. I mean - one could be sober and volunteer if all fails. Plus - how frequently do you move anyway?
I agree starving him of money won't solve anything - but at least will protect you short term somewhat
We did not move and XAH still behaved like he is a stay at home dad trapped in the house. DS was in full time childcare till school started, and then XAH did pick him up after just because he was not doing anything else. If he found any sort of job that exceeded aftershool care - I would totally go with that. He did not. He still claims he gave up his career for mine. I have met and married him when he was my age. So technically he had just as much time as I did to build his career - without childcare responsibility or an addict trying to take him down.
Nah. He saw himself as being financially dependent because it was convenient for him and allowed him to sit on his arse. And complain about how controlling I was while not paying any bills and writing checks from my account for who knows what. He had options - they just required effort.
I agree starving him of money won't solve anything - but at least will protect you short term somewhat
We did not move and XAH still behaved like he is a stay at home dad trapped in the house. DS was in full time childcare till school started, and then XAH did pick him up after just because he was not doing anything else. If he found any sort of job that exceeded aftershool care - I would totally go with that. He did not. He still claims he gave up his career for mine. I have met and married him when he was my age. So technically he had just as much time as I did to build his career - without childcare responsibility or an addict trying to take him down.
Nah. He saw himself as being financially dependent because it was convenient for him and allowed him to sit on his arse. And complain about how controlling I was while not paying any bills and writing checks from my account for who knows what. He had options - they just required effort.
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
He's in a position where he can't earn for himself except with casual jobs as you move around a lot, which puts him in your power financially. I may be wrong about that, but I understand its your career he's with you moving for.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
No judgement from me, but from his POV he's in your power. Hanging around doing nothing is not good for someone with his tendencies.
If you really can't stand coming home to him drunk you may have to consider separating. Starving him of money will raise other problems.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Actually, think about if the shoe were on the other foot. He's the breadwinner, you have a teensy check, and he won't let you spend money because it's "his" and he doesn't approve of what you buy. A lot of abusers do that.
I'd suggest separating your finances somehow, such that after joint or necessary expenses you each have "x" amount of money to spend (and it should be equal). If he chooses to spend his on booze and you choose to spend yours on whatever, that's your individual choice.
Of course, you can also be sick of the whole deal--that he's not working and you income is supporting his habit. Divorce or separation are options, too.
I'd suggest separating your finances somehow, such that after joint or necessary expenses you each have "x" amount of money to spend (and it should be equal). If he chooses to spend his on booze and you choose to spend yours on whatever, that's your individual choice.
Of course, you can also be sick of the whole deal--that he's not working and you income is supporting his habit. Divorce or separation are options, too.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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A little financial history He hasn't had a stable job our entire marriage. He would go months between jobs and only get a new one when electric was cut off, child support not paid, etc. My job alone couldn't take care of EVERYTHING. That would be ok for a while until his drinking or a health problem got in the way. Then the cycle would start over. We were about to lose our house (one I bought before we were married) my car, etc because he wasn't working and we got so far behind. I took a job making a lot more money and the opportunity to see the country. It was a job I had always wanted. We sold our house and everything we had to make it happen. We made a deal that we would do this together, he would get odd jobs and such everywhere we go. And he did halfass for a little while. But nothing the last few months. We move every 3 to 4 months. As I type this I think who in their right mind would continue this. Wth is wrong with me??
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It sounds like you have three options:
1. Let him use the bank cards and spend the money that you earn on beer.
2. Give him an "allowance" that he can spend on beer if he wants.
3. Tell him to get a job if he wants to spend money on beer, you're done with paying for his habit.
4. Separate/divorce. His drinking is his problem.
I think that in the short term #2 is the easiest, even thought it's a bit infantilizing to give a grown adult an "allowance". However, if he isn't bringing any money in, that's how it's going to be. In the long run, either #3 or #4 will probably bring you some peace.
I am still new to this recovery stuff, but one thing I've observed is that every single alcoholic thinks that any person who disapproves of their drinking or tries to influence them to stop or reduce their consumption is a controlling b*tch. Certainly my ex would describe me that way, and your husband probably thinks that about you. But you aren't being controlling, you're being self-protective and making the best choices you can in a very challenging situation where there are no "good" options. He's the one who's screwing up, not you.
1. Let him use the bank cards and spend the money that you earn on beer.
2. Give him an "allowance" that he can spend on beer if he wants.
3. Tell him to get a job if he wants to spend money on beer, you're done with paying for his habit.
4. Separate/divorce. His drinking is his problem.
I think that in the short term #2 is the easiest, even thought it's a bit infantilizing to give a grown adult an "allowance". However, if he isn't bringing any money in, that's how it's going to be. In the long run, either #3 or #4 will probably bring you some peace.
I am still new to this recovery stuff, but one thing I've observed is that every single alcoholic thinks that any person who disapproves of their drinking or tries to influence them to stop or reduce their consumption is a controlling b*tch. Certainly my ex would describe me that way, and your husband probably thinks that about you. But you aren't being controlling, you're being self-protective and making the best choices you can in a very challenging situation where there are no "good" options. He's the one who's screwing up, not you.
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So now what? There's only a few things that can happen now.
1)we argue, I feel guilty and give his cards back and this continues.
2)we argue, I hold my ground, he gets angry and leaves me.
The thought of either scenario is equally terrifying.
3) he decides to get help (I KNOW in my heart that wont happen)
1)we argue, I feel guilty and give his cards back and this continues.
2)we argue, I hold my ground, he gets angry and leaves me.
The thought of either scenario is equally terrifying.
3) he decides to get help (I KNOW in my heart that wont happen)
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I would never again open a joint account with an alcoholic. After all, there's nothing to legally prevent him from cleaning out the account, or running up a huge balance on a joint credit card (or one in your name where you've made him an authorized user).
How money is handled is generally a personal decision that couples reach jointly, and it's ideally based on trust that both people will behave responsibly.
I left my second husband (who had gone back to drinking after almost dying from an alcohol-related medical condition) after he had lost his job, was doing nothing to find another (and refusing to apply for what he considered "doofus jobs"), while I was trying to find a SECOND job to support us, and he then signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I had explicitly told him not to, as we could not afford it. He was spending his "own" money (he was still receiving disability payments from his illness) on his booze habit. I told him that's it, I'm moving out, here's one month's rent and after that you're on your own.
It was a huge relief--the resentment was eating me up. He wound up finding a tiny efficiency. I eventually moved back across the country, getting my old (well-paid) job back, and after some lean years am now prospering financially. I have no idea how he's living (or how he's even still alive), but it's not my concern.
But I'd shut down any joint credit cards. The one thing worse than having him spend money you've earned on booze is having to pay interest on it.
How money is handled is generally a personal decision that couples reach jointly, and it's ideally based on trust that both people will behave responsibly.
I left my second husband (who had gone back to drinking after almost dying from an alcohol-related medical condition) after he had lost his job, was doing nothing to find another (and refusing to apply for what he considered "doofus jobs"), while I was trying to find a SECOND job to support us, and he then signed a new lease on the house we were renting after I had explicitly told him not to, as we could not afford it. He was spending his "own" money (he was still receiving disability payments from his illness) on his booze habit. I told him that's it, I'm moving out, here's one month's rent and after that you're on your own.
It was a huge relief--the resentment was eating me up. He wound up finding a tiny efficiency. I eventually moved back across the country, getting my old (well-paid) job back, and after some lean years am now prospering financially. I have no idea how he's living (or how he's even still alive), but it's not my concern.
But I'd shut down any joint credit cards. The one thing worse than having him spend money you've earned on booze is having to pay interest on it.
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MrsDarling.....here is my suggested answer to your question of "So, now what?
Begin going to alanon for your own support
Continue reading here, and posting. Especially read "Co-dependent No More" and the stickies on the front page above the threads...especially the one called "Classic Reading".....
This will prepare you for any eventuality that will happen.....
Begin going to alanon for your own support
Continue reading here, and posting. Especially read "Co-dependent No More" and the stickies on the front page above the threads...especially the one called "Classic Reading".....
This will prepare you for any eventuality that will happen.....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
MrsDarling.....here is my suggested answer to your question of "So, now what?
Begin going to alanon for your own support
Continue reading here, and posting. Especially read "Co-dependent No More" and the stickies on the front page above the threads...especially the one called "Classic Reading".....
This will prepare you for any eventuality that will happen.....
Begin going to alanon for your own support
Continue reading here, and posting. Especially read "Co-dependent No More" and the stickies on the front page above the threads...especially the one called "Classic Reading".....
This will prepare you for any eventuality that will happen.....
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