musiclady14

So...pretty big breakthrough for me today.

After years of trying to figure out my AH's behaviour and 'fix' his alcoholism, leaving him on the 13th has allowed me the time and distance to really look at ME without distractions.

I had done a lot of reading about codependency in the past but I didn't feel as though I had a complete grasp on it and how I fit into it. Suddenly today, it all made sense. Poof...epiphany! And now I can work on my recovery from a place of more advanced understanding. This obviously didn't just start with my AH. It has been in play over the course of the majority of my life.

So...it's time to tame the beast! Armed with knowledge and determination, it's time for some major growth and change.

Just had to share. Any input is always welcome.

PhoenixJ

Bekindalways

Musiclady, you seem to have quite the learning curve.

My own learning curve was flattened by a crap load of arrogance. Over the decades I have slowly slowly seen my own hang-ups and hurts and how that has affected me.

Congrats on the epiphany!

Ituvia

I admire your strength and courage. My ABF dumped me 2 months back and I am still not at a place where I am researching my own recovery or even attempting it. I really need to take control of my life like you have. Hugs.

dandylion

musiclady....Eureka! While there are many definitions of "co-dependency"....this is the one that I favor---"Co-dependency is less about relationships with others than it is about the lack of relationship with one's self"...
Wouldn't it be wonderful if all children were able to know that they were important...just because they are...?

FeelingGreat

musiclady are you getting your breakthroughs because you're more relaxed now?

Maudcat

Hi, ML. Amazing how much clarity we find when we are away from the alcoholic's chaos. Good for you.

musiclady14

FG...Relaxed, viewing life free of the alcoholic's chaos, new perspectives, thinking with clarity again, desperately wanting to return to a life of 'normalcy'. In addition to these boards, I have an awesome friend who went through all of this with his alcoholic ex-wife. We talk often and I find that his experiences have been helpful to hear about. I need to find an Al-Anon group in my new area, and definitely a counsellor. Those will also be helpful in my recovery.

atalose

Along with the wonderful definition dandylion quoted above, I also like the below one.

Codependency is the agreement that I will work harder on your problems and your life then you do.

That was always my issue, working hard on other people’s issues and problems, making time to help them, rework my schedule to fit in their issues and making other people high priorities, which did not leave much room for me, myself or I and my own problems.

One of the biggest hurdles for me to get over was with me thinking that I was being selfish if I had to say no to someone asking me to drop my life and rush into theirs and feeling guilty about it. And with anything we do the more we do it the easier it gets.

I love when me have those epiphanies!!! So happy to see all the progress you are making.

Westexy

Same here ML - For years, I wasn't able to grasp what co-dependency really meant, even after reading lots of things including SR. Once I separated from my husband, I experienced a true epiphany. The clouds parted and I was like "Holy s#%@! I've been doing this forever!" I'm a fairly intelligent person that solves complex problems on a regular basis but I was in such a fog, I couldn't see comprehend it then, no matter how it was explained to me.

firebolt

Youre giving me goosebumps! I remember this realization for myself vividly...and it set in motion an unstoppable HEALTHY, life-changing series of events for me. <3

musiclady14

Westexy- sounds exactly like me, right down to the "Holy s#%@! I've been doing this forever!" It's amazing what the mind is capable of once it's out of the fog of dysfunction. 😊

2ndhandrose

What a fantastic epiphany, musiclady

I hope you don't mind if I add one of my own.

I was talking to my sister and used the term "double winner", which I have learned from this site. She asked me to explain it so I told her that as an alcoholic (in recovery) and a codependent (a work in progress) it made me a double winner. But then I added "I must be a triple winner because I am married to an alcoholic" (not in recovery).

Then I wondered why I have never seen that term here.

Not sure what tipped me off, what made the penny drop, but I finally understand the idea of a double winner and why there is no triple winner.

His stuff isn't my stuff. Oh duh! His stuff isn't my stuff!!

That little epiphany is helping me to stick to my side of the street.

So much wisdom here with all of you fine folks

I don't know where I would be without you all

musiclady14

2ndhandrose: ❤ Thanks for sharing. Hugs and best wishes to you. And I totally agree with not knowing where I'd be without all of you here at SR.