The Agony of Not Knowing if Dead or Alive
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
The Agony of Not Knowing if Dead or Alive
My only sibling, a sister, is an alcoholic. She had a traumatic event in her childhood and looking back it seems that she chose maladaptive behaviors to cope -- substance abuse, food, eating disorders, online gambling. She seemed to do pretty okay with life even though she has had lifelong anxiety, shame, probably PTSD, and problems with relationships/intimacy.
She's 42-years-old. Her drinking as a serious problem first showed up a few years ago. She was probably drinking for a while before that but she hid it well. Her alcoholism has progressed to where she consumes copious amounts of alcohol, mouthwash, has gone through withdrawals dozens of times.
Recently she completed a seven-day detox plus 30-day inpatient rehab and got out and started drinking again. Before she went into rehab she was fired (for the second time) from her job. She has an 11-year-old child with an ex-husband.
Currently she is in her home with a guy she met in rehab. It looks like he has no vehicle, no job and they are in her house using. He is an opioid addict. She has had no contact with her son in about two weeks. She spoke to him on the phone while in rehab and saw him for a few days when she got out. My parents and I are helping take care of my nephew while her ex-husband is at work.
She took off for four days five days after getting out of rehab. Nobody knew where she was, dead or alive. She finally Facebook messaged me on a Sunday because her phone was stolen in a bar. She said that she was home and alive. I said that I was so worried about her and then she said she wanted to die and she took all of her pills, so I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. Come to find out, she never took any pills and they released her after one day.
I'm afraid she is going to die and I will never see her again. I have communicated with her a couple times over Facebook Messenger and spoke with her on the phone over FB messenger. I told her I loved her and there's always hope and her family is here for her and what about her son---he needs her, etc. She responds that she cannot confront the pain and can't even think about it.
The opioid gut that she is with was posing as my sister when on Facebook Messenger. I knew it wasn't her when there were emoticons and thumb's ups and phrases my sister would never use. That scared me and creeped me out. Why is this guy speaking for my sister? It is so scary that when I message my sister, I don't know if it's her or him.
She doesn't want me checking in on her and I have learned that I can't do anything about her addiction and calling her, lecturing her, acting as her therapist, etc. does not work. I leave her alone and I have stopped enabling her. She wanted me to add another cellphone to my plan and I refused because why should I pay for her phone?
I am overtaken with fear, sadness, and despair that she's going to die and I won't be able to say goodbye.
I haven't messaged her in a few days and I probably won't again but I wonder if I should keep reaching out and reminding her that her family is here for her and that we love her. Sometimes I want to send her pictures of her son. My mother thinks we should stop reaching out for a while. My mom thinks she will contact us in the future when she needs something. I don't know. I think she's on a suicide mission to drink herself to death. I don't know what to do. I know there's nothing I can do. I'm just sad and full of despair for my sister who is terribly addicted and troubled.
She's 42-years-old. Her drinking as a serious problem first showed up a few years ago. She was probably drinking for a while before that but she hid it well. Her alcoholism has progressed to where she consumes copious amounts of alcohol, mouthwash, has gone through withdrawals dozens of times.
Recently she completed a seven-day detox plus 30-day inpatient rehab and got out and started drinking again. Before she went into rehab she was fired (for the second time) from her job. She has an 11-year-old child with an ex-husband.
Currently she is in her home with a guy she met in rehab. It looks like he has no vehicle, no job and they are in her house using. He is an opioid addict. She has had no contact with her son in about two weeks. She spoke to him on the phone while in rehab and saw him for a few days when she got out. My parents and I are helping take care of my nephew while her ex-husband is at work.
She took off for four days five days after getting out of rehab. Nobody knew where she was, dead or alive. She finally Facebook messaged me on a Sunday because her phone was stolen in a bar. She said that she was home and alive. I said that I was so worried about her and then she said she wanted to die and she took all of her pills, so I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. Come to find out, she never took any pills and they released her after one day.
I'm afraid she is going to die and I will never see her again. I have communicated with her a couple times over Facebook Messenger and spoke with her on the phone over FB messenger. I told her I loved her and there's always hope and her family is here for her and what about her son---he needs her, etc. She responds that she cannot confront the pain and can't even think about it.
The opioid gut that she is with was posing as my sister when on Facebook Messenger. I knew it wasn't her when there were emoticons and thumb's ups and phrases my sister would never use. That scared me and creeped me out. Why is this guy speaking for my sister? It is so scary that when I message my sister, I don't know if it's her or him.
She doesn't want me checking in on her and I have learned that I can't do anything about her addiction and calling her, lecturing her, acting as her therapist, etc. does not work. I leave her alone and I have stopped enabling her. She wanted me to add another cellphone to my plan and I refused because why should I pay for her phone?
I am overtaken with fear, sadness, and despair that she's going to die and I won't be able to say goodbye.
I haven't messaged her in a few days and I probably won't again but I wonder if I should keep reaching out and reminding her that her family is here for her and that we love her. Sometimes I want to send her pictures of her son. My mother thinks we should stop reaching out for a while. My mom thinks she will contact us in the future when she needs something. I don't know. I think she's on a suicide mission to drink herself to death. I don't know what to do. I know there's nothing I can do. I'm just sad and full of despair for my sister who is terribly addicted and troubled.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I think it's wonderful you are taking care of her son.
I think your mom is right about continually reaching out. I don't think that doing so will get through to her right now. Sadly, there's not much you can do other than what you've been doing, like call 911 if there's a direct threat to her life. She knows how to get in touch if she wants help. I'd back off for now, and concentrate on your own self, family, and your nephew.
Have you or your mom been to Al-Anon? I think that might be a huge help to both of you.
Hugs, glad you're here.
I think your mom is right about continually reaching out. I don't think that doing so will get through to her right now. Sadly, there's not much you can do other than what you've been doing, like call 911 if there's a direct threat to her life. She knows how to get in touch if she wants help. I'd back off for now, and concentrate on your own self, family, and your nephew.
Have you or your mom been to Al-Anon? I think that might be a huge help to both of you.
Hugs, glad you're here.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this is the really, really tough part of addiction.....where we realize we are truly helpless to stop them AND we cannot possibly prevent bad outcomes. and that means in some cases, the bad outcomes are as bad as they can get.
my husband works in masonry construction. he tends masons that are up on scaffolding that can be 3 or 4 stories high. at any time things can fall OFF of the scaffolding. in masonry there is no such thing as anything LIGHT or non-lethal. a trowel or a brick could cause injury or worse. then there's the physical falling OFF of the scaffolding and plummeting to the hard earth. there's the possibility of getting mowed down by the cement truck delivering grout, or run over by a forklift. the list of THINGS THAT CAN KILL you goes on and on.
as i sit here in my office there is not ONE thing i can do to prevent any of that. yet every day i "let" him go to work. it's not within my power or my rights to keep him from my vision of HARM.
your sis is 42 years old. and as wretched as it might look to you, she has the "right" to live it however SHE chooses. yes she does have an "obligation" to her son, but no one can MAKE her be a real mother to the child. it's harsh, but addiction is harsh.
FB'ing isn't any way to communicate. nor any way to keep tabs on someone. she KNOWS she has family. she KNOWS how to get help.
just take care of her sweet boy. he needs a lot of love and reassurance. at 9 years old he is already SEARED with the hot poker of ABANDONMENT.
my husband works in masonry construction. he tends masons that are up on scaffolding that can be 3 or 4 stories high. at any time things can fall OFF of the scaffolding. in masonry there is no such thing as anything LIGHT or non-lethal. a trowel or a brick could cause injury or worse. then there's the physical falling OFF of the scaffolding and plummeting to the hard earth. there's the possibility of getting mowed down by the cement truck delivering grout, or run over by a forklift. the list of THINGS THAT CAN KILL you goes on and on.
as i sit here in my office there is not ONE thing i can do to prevent any of that. yet every day i "let" him go to work. it's not within my power or my rights to keep him from my vision of HARM.
your sis is 42 years old. and as wretched as it might look to you, she has the "right" to live it however SHE chooses. yes she does have an "obligation" to her son, but no one can MAKE her be a real mother to the child. it's harsh, but addiction is harsh.
FB'ing isn't any way to communicate. nor any way to keep tabs on someone. she KNOWS she has family. she KNOWS how to get help.
just take care of her sweet boy. he needs a lot of love and reassurance. at 9 years old he is already SEARED with the hot poker of ABANDONMENT.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so sorry. My sister was sexually abused when she was 11, and she turned to pot/alcohol/relationship with pot addict to cope when life got too much for her.
You can't expect to run a marathon if your sister does all the training herself, and your sister can't enter recovery if you do all the work. Unfortunately for everyone involved, your sister (and my sister for that matter) won't enter recovery until she's sick of being addicted. When that point is reached is anyone's guess.
I do wonder if your sister asked her BF to answer FB messenger on her behalf. If she doesn't want to talk to you, that might be her way of avoiding you and a confrontation all in one go. Avoidance may have been her coping mechanism when she endured her trauma, and that's exactly what's she's doing now.
Anvilhead is right: she knows where to get help when she decides she's had enough of it. But SHE has to decide that she's had enough of it, and you can't make the decision for her. My sister has made that clear a number of times, and it sounds like your sister has said the same too.
The best thing you can do is be the best aunt you can be for her son, and let him know that you'll be there for him. I'm sure in her sober state, that is what your sister would want you to do.
You can't expect to run a marathon if your sister does all the training herself, and your sister can't enter recovery if you do all the work. Unfortunately for everyone involved, your sister (and my sister for that matter) won't enter recovery until she's sick of being addicted. When that point is reached is anyone's guess.
I do wonder if your sister asked her BF to answer FB messenger on her behalf. If she doesn't want to talk to you, that might be her way of avoiding you and a confrontation all in one go. Avoidance may have been her coping mechanism when she endured her trauma, and that's exactly what's she's doing now.
Anvilhead is right: she knows where to get help when she decides she's had enough of it. But SHE has to decide that she's had enough of it, and you can't make the decision for her. My sister has made that clear a number of times, and it sounds like your sister has said the same too.
The best thing you can do is be the best aunt you can be for her son, and let him know that you'll be there for him. I'm sure in her sober state, that is what your sister would want you to do.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do, and trying to keep pushing her will fall on deaf ears, possibly might make things worse.
I agree with your mom to just leave her be. Until she's ready to get clean on her own, nothing is going to stop it. That is great to hear though at least her child is in a safe environment and not in that madness.
Alanon also would be a great option for yourself and your mom.
I agree with your mom to just leave her be. Until she's ready to get clean on her own, nothing is going to stop it. That is great to hear though at least her child is in a safe environment and not in that madness.
Alanon also would be a great option for yourself and your mom.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,586
I am so sorry you are going through this, I do understand.
When your sister says she cannot confront or look at the pain, did you say to her that this is exactly what is needed, over time, to extinguish the pain? And that it's possible?
As with Anvilhead, I have a friend who has had a stroke, alcohol related. She is very impaired both physically and cognitively. She lives in a house with 3 flights of stairs with steep descents. She has fallen many times, and broken her leg 4 times.
Her house is built for a mountain goat, but she will not move to more appropriate housing. She continues to drink and smoke copiously. She is very troubled from early childhood too. It is very sad.
It is not a matter of if, but when, she is found at the bottom of the stairs dead, and all we can do is stand by and watch. It is cruel. But it IS her life, and she will demand it.
I've had to stand back from it, not engage on the phone when she is intoxed, and let her run her own race. I've found that it works better for us both. I've had to set boundaries as I know it assists her too, but definitely not my sole reason.
She has been advised, and knows of all of the support that is available to her, and knows that she is loved. From that point forward it is SHE who gets to choose. It is a very painful to witness. Slow, cruel.
Must say that I find the bf masquerading on fb pretty creepy too. If they are both involved in the ploy it is very spiteful. Just my opinion.
Look after yourself, and feel OK about it. It's a good and healthy feeling.
I wish your sister well, and also know that children do grow well, if they are surrounded by love and protection.
When your sister says she cannot confront or look at the pain, did you say to her that this is exactly what is needed, over time, to extinguish the pain? And that it's possible?
As with Anvilhead, I have a friend who has had a stroke, alcohol related. She is very impaired both physically and cognitively. She lives in a house with 3 flights of stairs with steep descents. She has fallen many times, and broken her leg 4 times.
Her house is built for a mountain goat, but she will not move to more appropriate housing. She continues to drink and smoke copiously. She is very troubled from early childhood too. It is very sad.
It is not a matter of if, but when, she is found at the bottom of the stairs dead, and all we can do is stand by and watch. It is cruel. But it IS her life, and she will demand it.
I've had to stand back from it, not engage on the phone when she is intoxed, and let her run her own race. I've found that it works better for us both. I've had to set boundaries as I know it assists her too, but definitely not my sole reason.
She has been advised, and knows of all of the support that is available to her, and knows that she is loved. From that point forward it is SHE who gets to choose. It is a very painful to witness. Slow, cruel.
Must say that I find the bf masquerading on fb pretty creepy too. If they are both involved in the ploy it is very spiteful. Just my opinion.
Look after yourself, and feel OK about it. It's a good and healthy feeling.
I wish your sister well, and also know that children do grow well, if they are surrounded by love and protection.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 55
Thank you very much for the replies. It's weird that she pays more attention to a guy ( a stranger essentially who she met in rehab a month ago) than her kid. I know addicts do maddening things. It's bizarre that I can literally walk or ride my bike to her house in minutes and there is nothing I can do. I don't see her and she lives one subdivision over from mine. She doesn't see or take care of her child and she lives right there. It's so sad. I know it's beyond my control, but still so insane.
Thank you again for allowing me to vent and talk about it.
Thank you again for allowing me to vent and talk about it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
While we use logic to try and understand the addict and their lack of wanting to participate in life, be a mom/dad, husband/wife, responsible person we have to remind ourselves that their drug/drinking usage is to escape reality.
She is in the depths of her addiction sharing the high with someone new. Once the drugs and money run out, so will he and she will come around again, needing something, your mom is right about that.
I wouldn't contact her and I wouldn't respond to any contact she may make right now. Addicts are master manipulators, they know exactly what buttons to push on each person in their lives to get what they crave at that moment, attention, money, sympathy/absolution for their bad behaviors, the list goes on and on.
She is in the depths of her addiction sharing the high with someone new. Once the drugs and money run out, so will he and she will come around again, needing something, your mom is right about that.
I wouldn't contact her and I wouldn't respond to any contact she may make right now. Addicts are master manipulators, they know exactly what buttons to push on each person in their lives to get what they crave at that moment, attention, money, sympathy/absolution for their bad behaviors, the list goes on and on.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
That really is so sad about her neglecting her child. So sad. She is in a really bad place right now and it's hard to get addicts in active addiction to be willing for help. Her new guy is clearly enabling her to carry on with her addiction and that is sad too. You do feel helpless and have great grief at the same time as you realize you can't fix them and they don't seem to want real help.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by atalose 
While we use logic to try and understand the addict and their lack of wanting to participate in life, be a mom/dad, husband/wife, responsible person we have to remind ourselves that their drug/drinking usage is to escape reality.
She is in the depths of her addiction sharing the high with someone new. Once the drugs and money run out, so will he and she will come around again, needing something, your mom is right about that.
I wouldn't contact her and I wouldn't respond to any contact she may make right now. Addicts are master manipulators, they know exactly what buttons to push on each person in their lives to get what they crave at that moment, attention, money, sympathy/absolution for their bad behaviors, the list goes on and on.
She is in the depths of her addiction sharing the high with someone new. Once the drugs and money run out, so will he and she will come around again, needing something, your mom is right about that.
I wouldn't contact her and I wouldn't respond to any contact she may make right now. Addicts are master manipulators, they know exactly what buttons to push on each person in their lives to get what they crave at that moment, attention, money, sympathy/absolution for their bad behaviors, the list goes on and on.
so true. i recall my ex aw choosing to hangout in very low class places rather than being with nice people doing healthy things as before alcoholism.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's because she feels no guilt with this man. I am sure she feels guilt and feelings she does not want to deal with in regards to her son. This man is nothing to her, so she does not have to FEEL.
I am so sorry. Tight hugs.
I am so sorry. Tight hugs.
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