abbccj03

Hi. I am new here. Haven't even put in a profile or avi. Been living with a HFA with a perfectionist personality. He has stopped and started drinking many times over the years. We have 4 children. Youngest is in 2nd grade. I asked him to move out this past weekend after another violent alcoholic episode. I am heartbroken. I am lost. But I find comfort knowing that there is a place I can come and know I am not alone in this battle.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Apart from his alcoholism, you mention violence. Violence is a totally separate issue from his drinking (and, incidentally "HFA"s are a myth--"high functioning" lasts only until it doesn't). Most alcoholics are not violent, and even if it becomes physical only when he is drinking, he more than likely has issues with power and control in other areas. In any event, to the extent his drinking affects his use of violence, I wouldn't say he's functioning very well.

Have you ever spoken with a domestic violence advocate? If not, I highly recommend that you make a call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and/or to your local women's shelter and speak with one. The time of separation can be the most dangerous time for someone in a violent relationship.

musiclady14

Hello. Welcome. Sorry for what brings you here.

I have 3 children (17, 13, 6) and we left my AH just over 2 weeks ago. Life has improved for us in a variety of ways. I definitely feel lost and heartbroken like you, but it is getting easier every day.

Focus on you and your children, and keep moving forward. You will always find exceptional input and comforting support here. Al-Anon and therapy can also be beneficial.

Stay safe and know that you are not alone. Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))

Spinner-007

I'm so sorry that you had a reason to look for us, but welcome nonetheless.

Lotta good stuff here: read the stickys. Ton of good insight/advise.

Once you toured the place here for a little bit, you'll find what everyone who's ever been here has found out:

We are just like you.

And through our rants you'll find we're all gagging on a smorgasbord of mixed emotions like: anger/hate/confusion/fear/anxiety/uncertainty/loss/sadness/anger(did I mention that one already? You'll come back to that and all the others ones SO many times), and a host of others I haven't mentioned.

And yes, you'll even sometimes blame yourself. (Just don't go back for seconds on THAT one, if you can help it)

In all seriousness, I really pray and hope you, and everyone else here, finds the peace we all need to move on to a wonderful and joyous life.

God bless you...and PEACE.

abbccj03

Thank you so much! I plan on spending some time reading past post. Not sure what stickeys are but I know I will learn. It is comforting knowing I have found a place where there are others that have been through or are going through similar experiences. It just stinks so much.

LexieCat

The "sticky" threads are the ones at the top of the list of threads when you land on the F & F Forum's home page. They are in a permanent list so they can easily be found.

schnappi99

In support of the high-functioning lasting until it doesn't proposition, an alanon friend of mine was married to a guy for 15+ years. She recently left with their sons because of his collapse into alcoholism. He went from a drinking but successful landscaper & equipment operator, making plenty of money to not working and not paying any bills in about 8 months. Before he quit working he easily pulled in what sounds like a nearly 6 figure income from the various jobs he had going- now nothing. All his equipment is rusting away and unrepaired all over his yard, house is a couple months from foreclosure with < $40k left to pay off the mortgage, neighbors are suing him because the pile of road salt in his yard is slowing killing their trees, and he has an upcoming court-date for shoplifting trees out of Home Depot and has not filed taxes for several years. He's getting money from his mother and drinking it away- if he loses the house he'll probably go move in with her.

atalose

I think the majority of us had hoped we would never have to be here, but for so many of us we are happy we found SR and that we stuck around.

I agree with everything LexieCat mentioned.

Functioning alcoholic is a stage of alcoholism and fast or slow, it is still downhill.

Domestic violence is separate from the drinking because most alcoholics are not violent.

In addition, it is usually during the separation period that is most dangerous. Try not to engage in any intense arguments with him over the phone and especially in person. And do not hesitate to contact the police in the event he threatens you.

abbccj03

Thank you for all of your responses. He is living with his sister right now. I know any kind of violence is bad and I am being cautious. He has never "hit" me, but he shows aggression by jerking me around, shoving me, and grabbing my arms and squeezing me. I realize this is abuse and unacceptable. I know this aggression would only escalate and is why I chose to finally have him move out. He also would grab and twist the older girls and yell and scream at them and so I realized how damaging it was to them . To all of us. I have only had contact via text messages and he said he knows he messed up and will get the help he needs. I know not to trust what he says any longer and will make sure and protect myself and the kids. This has been 14 years of struggle and it has gotten worse each year. I honestly feel strong right now and I am determined to make sure my children are safe. I have not told anyone what is going on, but I am working up the courage to finally let at least a close friend know "our family's dirty little secret". I did send his sister an email 3 days ago explaining things bc everyone thinks my husband is perfect and good and can do no wrong. I don't know if she read it or is in shock at what I sent to her bc she has not responded. I do feel reassured knowing there are others that have experienced this and know what we are going thru. I know I can read your stories and find inspiration to stay strong. Thanks again for all of your responses and replies.