aliciagr

Taking a gigantic next step !

We booked a flight last weekend, and are going to spend a week at my parents over the Easter holiday. Same place we used to live and also have a lot of friends there.

Addiction made me lie. Lie by omission. I havent told my family (who Im close to) anything about last year. Nothing beyond we hit a rough patch, but we would work it out and everything was ok. We went through a lot with the move and the changes it brought on. It was all true but it was barely the tip of the iceberg.

With the help of therapy, I figured out its things like this that have helped to knock out my self esteem. Ive strayed from my core values, and the person who I used to be. I value my close relationships especially with my family, but with all these secrets it makes me feel distant from them. I feel ashamed of what I went through, and Ive felt ashamed of being married to my husband at times during all of this. Ive felt ashamed of myself!

With the help of thearpy, Ive been figuring out why I didnt reach out to them immediately, and have explored how it would have been helpful to me. Ive also explored the positive of what Ive learned from the choice I made to deal with this alone and look inside myself.

But now I need to get back to my authentic self and I feel this next step is necessary for my own healing.

I am working on what, and how much to tell them beyond the exact facts. There are a lot of facts and it all points to my living in complete chaos with a crazy man. (Thats with leaving out some of the worst details)

Some may not approve, but I had a discussion with my husband about my feelings, and how I think its time. He agreed and understands where Im coming from. He used to have a very good relationship with my family (and says they he feels closer to them than his own family). He and I have gone back and forth over what to tell them. But he has been very supportive and says that I should go to whatever depths I need to.. including sharing about the abuse with my mom if I feel the need.

He is terrified, and says he thinks they may ask him to leave their house. So I have been thinking, if that happens -do I go with him?
He is afraid of my dad and that he will kill him, not literally but use his resources to do it professionally. This is a problem because we have both been thinking it might be best for us to move back home, but we want peace there.not more conflict. I dont think my dad would ever do that because he is not that type of person, his ethics are too high. I also have the one final secret not yet shared with them, and it that they are going to be grandparents. Where to put that in all this disclosure??

Now Im rambling but there are a lot of twists and turns to getting back to ones authentic self !

Jaeger

This is a huge step! I think it will be great for you. I too understand the shame you said you felt for staying in that situation. It's getting better to some degree now with the help of Al-Anon. The only thing I worry about is if you tell them and then also tell them you are expecting, you may not get a happy exciting moment most get. I'm not suggesting to not tell them, I would just not have high expectationsof their reaction. It might take some time.

dandylion

I can only share my own experience with this....during my adult life there were lots of things...details of my personal life that I never shared with my parents.
There were things that I shared, also.
for me, I don't feel bad about that...nor, do I feel that it made me any less close.
I have lived in another state from them during my adult life.....

I always used the "need to know" rule. I only told them what they "needed to know" (if it involved my personal life)....

I realize that each person has to work this out on their own.

LexieCat

I'd add to the notion of "need to know" "need to tell." It's worth considering whether sharing information, or feelings, with a parent will help YOU in some way--maybe to lay the groundwork for emotional (or practical) support you might need from them in the future.

I don't think it's necessary to share every detail of your personal life--part of being an adult is managing things on your own to the extent that you can. And in some families, sharing information is an invitation to having other people in your business constantly, when it's not welcome. OTOH, there's the fact that HIS family knows quite a few details at this point, so just for the sake of balance, you might want your family to be as aware as his is.

It's a pretty individual decision, though, and you know your family much better than we do.

AnvilheadII

what do you hope to gain by telling your family? and have you considered that if anyone should talk about your husband's drug addiction, your husband's abusive behavior upon your person, and your husband's legal troubles it should be............your husband?

think of this in reverse....if you had family coming to VISIT with you over the holiday, would that really be the time to unload some really heavy stuff like coke addiction and rape???

aliciagr

Thank you !!

That is a lot to think about. I dont want to do anything harmful to my parents. I know based on our relationship, they would want me to feel comfortable sharing with them, but maybe its selfish to share something so dark with them?

And then it does get complex because what if something happens in the future and then the lies build?

They are not overly pushy. I told them we were having some rough times and they wasnt a lot of pressure to get into details but my mom kept saying anytime I needed to talk about it, she was there, My mom would be the only one I could share some stuff with, and I guess it would be her decision if she couldnt keep it from my dad.

Ive debated a lot but mostly because I dont want them to turn on my husband.

I also didnt think about how it would be nice for me to be able to make a baby announcement in a really happy way. Some cute thing like people do on Facebook to tell everyone the news.

I thought I was doing good, but more to think about now. Seeing different perspectives helps.

mylifeismine

Something else to consider is your overall stress level
during your pregnancy. I don't think you need anymore
stress right now, and you don't know how your parents
will react.

A very happy moment, sharing the news of your pregnancy,
would forever be overshadowed by a dark episode in
your life.

Harmony and less stress hormones floating around is the
best for baby. Anxiety and fear = stress hormones.

Timing is key here. You have no deadline if or when you
choose to inform them.

aliciagr

We plan to tell them together. It was something we both went through and parts he feels he needs to talk about, and parts i feel I need to explain. I dont think my parents will be upset over the act of relapsing itself. It would be about the behaviors, and how we are dealing with it now.

I want to share mostly the positive things we are doing, and what we have both learned.

I just dont want to hide the bad stuff that has made me feel ashamed. And husbands parents know a lot, and neither of us want them to be the ones to come forward and discuss it with my parents if they might happen to be together in the future.

I have always had a relationship with my family where we could talk about things, rely on each other for support. I dont feel authentic to myself because of the way I isolated, and hid the truth. I feel scared and anxious but also think I will be relieved to have it out there. It feels like a process of healing that I need.

dandylion

Alicia....there is another perspective that you may not have considered....because you have not walked in the "Mother shoes", yet.
I am a mother of three adult children....so, naturally, I see it from my perspective, also. I have been a child/and , I have been the mother.
I can tell you that the news that you are about to deliver will be received with the impact of a ton of bricks. How can it not? Forever, they will not be able to 'Unknow" it. Forever it will be a worry, in the back of their minds...sort of like it is with your MIL. This is how parent's are.
Your mother will probably share it with your dad...because, that is what husbands/wives do.
Your "shame" (undeserved shame) comes from within yourself...and, is something you will have to deal with....and, I don't think you will get the "absolution" from your parents that you might expect....
I think that an issue of boundaries that comes into play, here....There are boundaries that keep the roles of parent and child well defined....
For adult children, there is usually an area of intimacy relationships that is kept within one's own information pool. Thus, sharing has to be considered very, very carefully. And, one has to look at the whole picture...not just one angle...

I believe that timing is everything, also. Not just what to tell...but WHEN to choose to tell.....
Just don't fantasize that your parents are going to embrace him and do a Maypole Dance of happy family....

Understand that I am being candid from my perspective and experience.....I do have experience...lol....

aliciagr

Thanks Dandy. I was thinking about writing you a p.m. after thinking about the reply you left yesterday. I was thinking about what you said in regards to " need to know" but it goes along with what you posted here I think about " healthy boundaries between parent and child"
so I will just reply here and maybe other can chime in if they have feelings on it.

I think I have two separate issues going on in my mind. I feel like in therapy I have worked on the shame I felt over what happened, including any feelings I had about my husband. But I still feel like I drifted away from myself because I kept so much to myself instead of being honest with the people who care about me, and those I consider my support system like my immediate family, and a few close friends. Of course I would go into different details depending on the relationship.

But what you said about " need to know" ... I keep thinking about that and it sort of makes sense, but then dont we share things with our friends or family just because we trust them, and feel like we can be vulnerable with them but still feel loved and accepted regardless?
And in return if they are having a struggle or conflict, they share with us. So part of the relationship is that of a support system?

And then I was thinking about healthy boundaries with a parent and adult child. I can think about some things I would not want to know about my parents relationship. It would be uncomfortable and I would feel like some things are private just between them.

But what would examples of a healthy boundary be with a parent?

I think I feel like my parents and I have developed a respectful friendship as adults, but that they are also a bit like mentors or life coaches - people I can turn to when I need their wisdom or life experience and they will always have my best interest at heart.

The other thing is that I have thought about the fact that I cant undo anything once I tell them. And I know if I tell my mom that when my husband was high on coke and drunk that he didnt stop when I asked him to stop... that would be forever stuck with her. And maybe I shouldnt tell her this because its private between me and my husband . But at the same time - not telling them almost makes it like I am ashamed of what happened because I was at fault, instead of it being something that happened that I had to deal with. Most of my reason for not telling them would be to keep them from being upset, worrying, or hating my husband. This part I need to think deeply about I guess.

Maybe I should rethink all of it, and just go and not tell them he relapsed or anything. Maybe at some point later when he has more solid footing and we are further away from it all would be better, or maybe then it wont feel like such a big part of my life and I wont even feel the need to share it because there will be so many new things to share?

Dont mean to ramble. this is a good place for me to think about all of this and write it out at least.

anyone have thoughts on the parent child boundaries or the need to know concepts, your comments are welcome.

FireSprite

Did you previously have a "we share everything" type of relationship with them & stop that sharing in direct relation to the increasing "behaviors"? Are you trying to repair the relationship with your parents that has been damaged by your relationship with your husband, or is it just about YOU? Are you simply trying to "cover your own butts" by outing yourselves before his parents possibly can so that you can manipulate the way the information is presented? (i.e. "sharing mostly the positive")

You say you want to be able to have a support system in them, but have they given you any indication that they won't provide that now, based on what they do know? I'm reading between the lines here that this is all about your discomfort & you are trying to discharge it by controlling the situation.

I'm not about secret-keeping, I just think you need to be confident & clear about your intentions before rocking this boat so hard. There is no telling what kind of long-term chain reaction this could set off. Again, just my opinion. Best of luck whatever you decide!

atalose

My two cents …..

I think instead of thinking in black or white, all or nothing we need to find that grey area which to me is where……”need to know” falls.

Black area…………it was terrible, I felt so ashamed and alone he would not stop when I asked him to stop so he raped me while high on coke and alcohol.

White area…………it was not that bad I‘ll be ok, no big deal.

Grey area………..he had some substance abuse issues and things between us got intense but we are both working towards making a better marriage and family.

LexieCat

I think that's an excellent point. All of the gory details are not necessary to avoid "keeping secrets." Sometimes what's necessary to disclose varies according to what's going on at a particular point. It's easier to disclose more, as circumstances require, than to unring the bell or stuff the cat back into the bag.

dandylion

Alicia...since you asked...I will try to give you an example from my life....
Many years ago, my sister met a very attractive man, from Europe, who would travel to D.C. every few months, and stay for a few weeks, to do business with the company that she worked for. She dated him during these times....but, when, after a couple of years, she developed stronger romantic feelings for him. When she shared this with him, he confessed that he was married and that maybe they shouldn't see each other any more, due to her romantic feelings. Well, this really hit her hard. She rarely drank...but she drank most of a bottle of wine and landed in the Emergency Room, crying and depressed. They felt that she should be admitted for a couple of days for observation, and to "settle herself".....
She called me from the hospital room of the hospital psych floor....and, she truly was a hot mess. Well, long story short...in addition to grieving, she was mortified and "ashamed" of everything.....ashamed of dating a married man, ashamed of caring more than he did, ashamed of being admitted to a psych unit.
She did get over the experience, of course, and she did do a few months of supportive therapy to help her through it.....And, as her sister, who lived locally, she spent many, many hours talking to me and sharing details of their relationship. I listened as her sounding board.
My parents lived in another state,,,and when talking to my mother, she would always ask "How is Margie"....and, I would always tell her true and neutral things about my sister...like...."she is planning to move to a new apartment, I think", "She is thinking about taking a post-graduate course"..."She is going to adopt a kitten", etc. But...I never mentioned anything about the affair...and neither did my sister.
We both, just instinctively "knew" that our mother would never get over the worry and always wonder what she had "done wrong" in raising my sister that didn't protect her from harm (older woman from a different generation and a different culture than D.C.).....My mother could have done nothing to change it...or, prevent anything in the future. My sister dealt with it, got over it, and just moved on, nicely, with her life (with lesson learned). My mother would always remember it as a really big deal.
My sister shared some intimacies with me...that siblings/sisters commonly do...but, she had different boundaries of how far she would/could carry that with my mother.

Now, I realize that this is not exactly your kind of situation....but, it does represent how boundaries can work between different generations of family members....Also, how different contexts can make a difference in how much and how far to go.
Now, had my sister made a suicide attempt or fell into a l ong term depression, I probably would have told my mother.....Luckily, for all, I did not have to cross that bridge.....

aliciagr

I think it has some similarities Dandy. In that time of crisis your sister did reach out to you. I wonder why she made that decision and decided to tell you everything that happened at that time?

And I do see the difference in the parent / sister relationship. It looks like you both felt your mom would take on a feeling of responsibility and would feel bad and worry. She must not have felt you would feel that being a sister. Maybe she was even afraid to divulge what happened because of the shame she felt. Telling a parent is different I think because they are usually the ones who instill certain values in their children,.

To answer a question above from Firesprite: I dont think I have ever told my parents every detail of my life by any means, but yes we have always been open about things and YES I did stop that once he relapsed due to what was going on with his behaviors. That is why I feel like I changed and its had a negative impact on my self esteem.

One thing I feel good about is not worrying so much about my parents taking in the information and coping with it on their side. Of course I dont want to make them sad, or have them worry unnecessarily. I will really have to think more about the impact on them vs what I need, and what my husband feels he needs for healing.

The concern over his parents talking to mine is low. Its not the driving force. They have only been together a few times as in when we married. Im not sure now that we are expecting if they might be thrown together again. Id hope they would never bring up such a topic if they were all at the hospital waiting for the baby or something, but Lord only knows. At least I might be medicated if that happened.

Thank you all for sharing. I am going to think a lot about what everyone said. Happy I posted to get feedback.

PuzzledHeart

Late to the party. No advice, but just questions for you.

If you disclosed everything (as opposed to going grey like atalose suggested), do you think your parents would respect and honor your decision to stay with with your AH?

If you tried to go grey, do you have the type of relationship with your parents where they'd end up wheedling the info out of you anyway?

On a side note, maternity nurses can be very good at detecting tension in the labor room. I know a number of people who told the staff about sticky family situations, and the nurses were more than happy to play bad cop when the time came.

aliciagr

Thank you, your questions were helpful as I think about this.

For some reason I really think they will be more upset with me than they are of him. Because his behavior is explained by use of drugs and alcohol, but I have no excuses for my actions. And probably one of their biggest concerns is that I didnt let them know what was going on and ask them for help. I think their mouths will drop open when they hear about things like the police getting involved and the interactions with his parents, and the various rehab experiences. They will just ask how everything got so far out of control and I didnt even let them know.

I have worked on this in my therapy sessions so I can share some of those things with them,

My husband thinks they will point their anger at him, and I think their main concern will be how did that happen, why did you turn to drugs and start drinking? And what are you doing now to ensure it doesnt happen again. The stuff in the middle will be explained by the substances. The issue with sexual abuse, I would only tell my mom if I decide to do that. And Im not sure she even needs to know. That would concern them because it points to violence and no one wants their child to be exposed to potential future violence.

I think they will respect any choice I make in staying with him, or leaving him. My parents are calmer and more analytical in things. -- -----What happened, why, what are you doing, how do you feel, what have you learned, what are the future concerns, are you both thinking realistically, what do you need, where can we help, answer all our questions, and lets reach an understanding.

He thinks they are going to want him out of my life because he is not worthy of me.

By telling them the gray area, they would probably poke some with their questions and if they hit on something then I would either have to be truthful, avoid, or lie. I think I would be truthful with them as to not keep secrets which I feel are bad for my healing.

OT4Kids

I don't think you should tell them. I think you should just say that you had some problems and are working on them. You can't take it back once you tell them and you don't know how they will react.

Jaeger

alicia,
You've received a lot of great feedback here. I want to clarify my earlier comment. I was thinking that your parents had no knowledge of his substance abuse. I personally think that would be ok to share but all the details may be best to keep between yourself and your therapist. Unless someone has gone through what a lot of us have, even well intended advice, is not useful. I don't think I could hear my own daughter tell me those things and ever feel the same way about my son-in-law. Ultimately it is up to you and you should do what you think you need to do to heal but I would suggest giving it a lot of thought first. Once those words are spoken, you can never take it back. Huge props to you for continuing to work through this and being open!

LexieCat

This is more black-and-white thinking. You aren't obligated to RESPOND (truthfully or not) to any questions you don't care to answer. All you need to say is something like, "I consider the details to be private and I'm not comfortable discussing them with you. I have a therapist I confide in, so don't worry--I'm getting all the help I need. I know you love me and care about me, and if there's anything I need your help with, I know I can come to you."

I think something like that adequately conveys your position. It might help relieve any worry because they know you aren't struggling alone with anything. And if you need them, you'll call them.

If they continue to ask, you can continue to repeat. It's totally your right to share or not share any details of your private life as you see fit. It's not "lying" and it's not "keeping secrets" as long as you are sharing the secrets with someone--in this case, your therapist.