Kcas

Never written anything like this before, and I'm hoping for some guidance. I recently broke up with my 3 year boyfriend over the issue of alcohol-and I'm having a hard time accepting my choice. We met when I was 25 and out of state-our relationship started online and blossomed from there. We met on trips and one year later I took the plunge to move back to my home state (where he lived) with him as my primary reason (though I told myself different at the time). Throughout our early courtship in different states he would regularly go out with friends and get intoxicated and drive home completely impaired-all the while I stayed on the phone with him to make sure he made it home (he is a single child that still lives at home with his parents-he is now 28). Practically moving in with him and his parents when I first arrived, he devolved quickly. He couldn't seem to control his alcohol consumption when he drank (didn't seem dependant on it to live), one led to two, three ect. At times he would be a happy intoxicared person, at others he was an insecure verbal abusive person (brought out his inner demons). We separated for a week, and in that time he went out late one night-got drunk, drove home and got into an accident that should have taken his life (car rolled down an enbankment 4 times). He luckily walked away with a few scratches and a DUI. The next year and a half was full of therapy, dui classes, and personal growth that I had never seen in him before. No drinking involved, completely sober.New car, new job, new improved relationship together and we were finally saving to move out together. About a month ago, he told me he wants to drink again-right after we started picking out furniture. He told me to trust him, that he fixed the problems with himself in therapy and he can control his drinking now. He wouldnt give me any security, he felt con trolled if I even suggest a no. Of beverages per day. His enabling parents told them they trust him-and I flat out said I dont- not with alcohol. He has even admitted to me earlier in our relationship he is a compulsory personality.He refused to accept my attempts at limits on beverages, and said he wants validation for his year and a half recovery. My conclus in that I don't want it in our relationship anymore (my boundary) was met with: "I respect your opinion, but I reserve the right to make that choice for myself". Never once did he acknowledge my viewpoint of past fear and inability to trust to even compromise-the answer was always "this is about trust, you need to trust me". My gut told me signing an apartment lease without knowing his relationship to alcohol was unfair and not safe for me-and his utter lack of respect or acknowledgment to my feelings showed his prioritization of his choice to drink over our relationship. Was this right? He didn't fight when I left just let me waltz out the door with his parents comforting him the whole time, I haven't heard from him either. I understand that I made the big sacrifices in this relationship to leave my family and start a life with this guy...was it wrong to ask for him to sacrifice a substance that caused so much emotional destruction in our relationship?

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR.

You have EVERY right to set boundaries on the behavior you find acceptable or unacceptable.

He made his choice. Don't second guess yourself.

Mizzuno

Welcome!
As nonsensical said, you have EVERY right to set up boundaries. If his choice is to drink, then the decision has already been made for you.

You inherently know where he is going with this. This boundary you have shows respect for yourself and I would not waver for one second.

I am sorry for your hurt. I truly am. May you stay strong, healthy and live a beautiful life.

MIRecovery

Unfortunately as long as an alcoholic is drinking you are in a three way affair. Alcohol will always come first, the alcoholic second, and you will be a distant 3rd. When I was an active alcoholic I was willing to sacrifice anything including my life so that I could continue drinking.

This is just a sad reality of who I was and who he is

Kcas

Thank you all for your responses it helps to know there are other people out there who know this pain-and can help to heal. I understand there is a distinction between an alcohol abuser and an alcoholic? I thought he was an abuser-he didn't seem to need it to function...but choosing a substance over a person (his parents backed him up btw, though his father drinks every day in excess)...is that being selfish or being an alcoholic or both?

NewRomanMan

You were right to walk away. Any man who chooses alcohol over another human being is not the person you want for a mate. His future is going to be one of chaos and frustration. All of the sign of full blown alcoholism are there. Year and a half of sobriety or not. He's going to find out the hard way. Spare yourself the misery.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcoholics (I am one...) are notoriously bad at romantic relationships. I don't know you, this is just an online forum, but if I'm honest: this guy sounds like bad news for your sanity.

suki44883

Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better unless the addict gets help and never drinks again. He may be an alcohol abuser today, but if he continues to drink, he will become an alcoholic.

You are not being selfish...you are saving yourself years and maybe a lifetime of misery. He is acting exactly like an addict.

Nonsensical

I find this distinction is mostly important to the person with the alcohol problem.

In 1990 I sat in an AA meeting and listened to stories about things I had never done and could never imagine doing. I decided I was an alcohol abuser and didn't belong in AA.

In 2013 I sat in an AA meeting having done nearly ALL of those things. Was I not an alcoholic in 1990? Does it matter what it was called and when?

You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.

tomsteve

"was it wrong to ask for him to sacrifice a substance that caused so much emotional destruction in our relationship? '

in an alcoholics eye- yes.
in sober eyes- no.
stay around me when I was drinking and ill drag ya down with me.
and there was a LOT of gloom,dispair, and agony on the way down.

glad ya walked away.

tomsteve

personally I didn't have relationships.
I took hostages.

Done4today

I was a partier/alcohol abuser, until I went to AA and learned what an alcoholic is.

Sounds like you're a grounded healthy type person. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the best you can do.

Good luck and many prayers.

ScottFromWI

It's both, or one in the same. Addiction is a very selfish affliction unfortunately. Glad you came here seeking help, I think you made the right decision regarding your relationship.

puddlejumper70

Nope. He's an alcoholic. Alcohol has kept him irresponsible and immature... in a perpetual state of adolescence. This is a near universal characteristic of an alcoholic.

I'm in my forties and while I don't act juvenile, I never took on the normal responsibilities that men my age normally do. As a result, I actually look at people my own age --particularly women-- as being somewhat parental... like you do when you're 17 and go to your friend's house. I never even realized it until I went sober for a long time and got back out into the world. I was in a sort of purgatory, too old to hang with those I could identify with, and too uncomfortable to socialize with those my own age

From age 20-30 I had two women in my life. For some reason, both tried so hard to "fix" me. I always ignored their pleas to stop, took them for granted, and eventually became a lonely bum stuck in a destructive cycle of self-pity and self-medicating once they gave up and left.

If you love him, you should probably stay away. Alcoholics need to be shaken to their core before they will even consider the hard slog of healing themselves.

Kcas

Thank you again everyone for your thoughtful responses- you never want to give up on a person regardless of what they are going through...and it's tough when you want to shake that person to realize what priorities there are in life. But when you realize that they live in an enabling environment with enabling people who think drinking is a "right"....I guess you have to throw in the white towel. Can't change them unless they want to change, and if they don't think they have a problem-nothing will change.

IN2Q

I am fairly new, but welcome, every hurdle is success.

I don't know much about not being a drinker, I know less about giving up the drink...... but I know a WHOLE lot about human to human relations, I as a under profession write human resource contracts, some are still being used after 15 years. One thing i learned early in to my part time career was that humans have choices after singing the dotted line, and even after a contract corrects them, chances are they will do it again, I am sorry.
In my opinion if you want a non-drinking partner, this person is not the one. paying the difference of the lease to ensure you are not responsible would be easier than asking him to pay it, cause that is the only real concern involving you moving on that I saw.
P.S. you can love your EX's, as long as you take care of yourself first.

Alan6154

What you have Kcas are priorities and self-respect. Keep both.

Lava256

You made the right decision to leave him. Don't second guess yourself for any reason.

MLD51

He is the one being selfish. And his parents are enabling him to stay that way. You have every right to set boundaries and decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with in a partner. The fact that he had a severe car accident, got and stayed sober for that long and then wants to drink again anyway, even knowing you don't want him to, is all the proof you should need that he's headed down a self-destructive road that you DO NOT want to go down with him. He may think he's "healed" and can drink again with no consequences, but ask almost anyone here on this site and they will tell you the odds of that being true are slim to none. He might be an exception, but the fact that he's willing to put alcohol above his relationship with you is a very bad sign.

I'm facing a somewhat similar situation right now - I won't go into details, but I'm realizing that now that I've been sober for over two years I cannot have a partner who drinks to excess. And he has told me he's not quitting. He's choosing booze.

I wish the best for you to have a happy life and find a partner who takes your feelings into account.

Anna

I hope that you find some peace in your life.