sj0117

Hi, I am new to these forums. I have been dealing with my husband's alcohol/drug/gambling addiction. He lives 8+ hours away from me right now, and most of our communication is done through the phone. Why do we live apart? Well, last year he got an impressive job that was a doorway to a lifelong career. It was his dream job. I had other commitments where I was staying.

Although his alcohol/drug/gambling addiction is fairly new (8 months), it is in full effect, as though he has been using for years. His life is falling apart in a huge way, and I can't watch it without being affected. I am losing my sanity learning of bills going unpaid, coworkers possibly knowing his behavior, cops being called to his party apartment, him having no money for food or gas, rent going unpaid, etc.

Recently, we started having periods where we are not talking (right now is the second time). I don't want to be in a repetitive cycle of talking and no talking.

The first cycle of this, we didn't talk for four days. Once we did, he did the whole promise thing, saying he wanted so badly to be clean. He convinced me that this is what he wanted. He said he didn't want to lose his job, so a treatment center was not an option. I could hear small indications in the things he said that made me question him in my mind. Things like "I like using drug X. It's fun." I doubted the questions in my mind and spent my days/nights worrying about how to help him. He asked me to watch his financials. I did. He asked me to stay on the phone with him through his withdrawal on Friday nights. I did. It had me totally exhausted. I started feeling stress every Thursday, before Friday/Saturday even came. He used several times over the next few weeks, and it was a repetitive cycle of expressing desire to quit and using.

So, here we are to this last weekend, where he drank/used/gambled his entire cheque. I was so disappointed and I told him so. I had put so much energy into helping him as he asked! He begged me to come help him by staying with him in his town, but I said no. He was very angry and told me various mean things including goodbye (implying forever).

Since then, I have set my boundaries very clearly (by email). l told him that I have to distance myself while he continues to use. When he is ready for treatment, I will be there for him. I was sending him gift cards for food/gas. I told him that the cards I sent on Sunday were the last. I gave him a one/two liner about how it was time for him to take responsibility for himself and get himself out of this mess -- that only he could do it. So now he hasn't called in four days. I'm both glad and sad. But what happens next?

Should I expect more manipulation? How do I protect myself from falling into a series of cycles like this? How do I know when he is really ready to be clean? Does it have to be treatment (where he leaves his job) or can it be counselling? What is your experience?

And most importantly (for my sanity), has anyone had an addict family member do a 180 and get clean? I need some hope too!

musiclady14

Hi sj...

All I can say from my 7.5 years with my AH is that the entire relationship was cycle after predictable cycle. And non-stop manipulation and dishonesty. Talking, fighting, silent treatment, broken promises. All cornerstones of addictive behaviour. Long story short - I left my AH 16 days ago. I did everything...detachment, supporting, reading about addiction and codependency until my eyes hurt. He chose the bottle and got worse rather than better. Daily drinking every day after work and binge drinking all weekend. On top of the damage within our family, he was self-destructing physically, mentally and emotionally.

My 3 children and I are doing well now. Thriving. Welcoming this fresh start. We couldn't live like that any longer. AH was in deep denial. And he was depressed, angry and abusive. Sad.

Take care of yourself. Keep moving forward. Decide on what you want your life to look like, and go for it. He needs to sink or swim on his own. You deserve peace and happiness. Best wishes.

Jo2017

SJ-I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, his behavior is pretty predictable & will continue to progress. You are doing the right thing to draw your boundaries-stay strong & stick around SR for support. My STBXAH had our family in this cycle for close to a decade. He left me for a woman he met in rehab. It's been horrible but I'm grateful he left-not sure I could have been strong like you & stuck to my boundaries! This forum has been my lifeline. Praying for you!

LexieCat

My first husband DID do the 180--he got sober after a couple of false starts, and has now been continuously sober for 37 years. So it does happen. Unfortunately, the majority of alcoholics/addicts continue until they've had significant losses, and some NEVER quit. They drink/use until they are dead or in prison.

So there is always hope, but for right now he doesn't sound too serious about it. He's far more likely to lose his "dream job" from his addiction than he would be from going to rehab. I'm assuming you're not in the US (based on "cheque"), but here it would be against the law to fire someone for going to rehab.

sj0117

I do feel strong right now. If it had been one year ago, I wouldn't be like this. While he was starting his new job and alcohol/drugs, I was going to counselling for my past. I was abused by my mother and her disgusting boyfriend until I was 15. Then I told the school counsellor what was going on and I was moved to live with my dad's family. So much nastiness within my mother's family happened after that (hatred and complete ignorance)!

Between age 20 and 30, I did drugs myself to cover my feelings of the past. I was an addict. I don't know what made me change. I did rehab twice. No change. Then I just quit one day. I know it's possible to quit, but I don't remember why or how I quit. I ruined my life for 8 years. Quit university repeatedly. Drained family finances. I know what it was like -- it was all about fun (with no consideration for others). I've been clean for 8 years and I am absolutely against doing drugs. Part of the counselling I did recently was about how I ruined my life and how to move forward from feeling like a failure.

So that is why I feel strong. It's funny how life works. I never imagined going to counselling -- it happened because I felt stuck trying to pursue my dream (grad school). I never imagined my H becoming a substance abuser. Especially knowing my past! I never imagined being faced with such a huge problem right when I got accepted into my dream university. I never knew I could be this strong and even consider walking away.

I have been thinking everyday about how my absence may make this worse for him, force him to really reach a bottom. I had been hoping for reconciliation after treatment. However, after your replies, I realize that I have to let go of that hope that I am clinging to. I have to let go of him. Care about him, love him, pray for him, but not cling to the dream of having him back.

Thank you for sharing your stories. And for everyone struggling out there, stay strong!

These forums are amazing and are truly helping me through this!

Bekindalways

This ^^^^^

Sj you sound like one smart lady. Also it sounds like you have been around the block and gained quite a bit of wisdom.

As others have said, focus on yourself. Get a plan for when he tries to contact you; he most likely will.

We usually recommend no contact but it is up to each individual. Everyone has a learning curve as far as understanding the situation. Even more so, everyone has their own pace of emotional acceptance of what is happening and what the addiction means to the relationship.

I'm so glad you found us. Keep posting.

aliciagr

Your husband sounds a little bit like mine so I thought I would comment.

But it would be helpful to know if your husband has had any prior issues with drugs, alcohol, or gambling, other addictive behaviors that might not even be considered negative like working a lot? Because my husband has a pattern of such things and sometimes he can channel it in positive ways.

Anyway, I dont think it would be responsible for me to say that he is an alcoholic or an addict based on 8 months of use or knowing more details. He sounds physically dependent on drugs if he was going through withdrawals, and I think an emotional dependence. Do you know what kind of drugs he is using?

Getting help in my experience is not necessarily a whopping big event where a person stops and never falters. If you read around here on this website, its filled with people who are trying to overcome using different substances. They falter, get back up, sometimes they do it in one big effort and never look back. Its not really predictable and rarely follows a straight line. That has been my husbands experience also.

It also looks a little bit like a college kid who goes away from home and has a party house? Sometimes they grow out of it when negative consequences pile up, or it can become a lifestyle.

Its probably good you are not close by. Its something he needs to work out, and if you are feeling stressed with him on the phone then it would be worse if you were there in person I think. How are you doing about taking care of yourself right now? I know all of this is stressful and confusing. I didnt do so great at taking care of myself in the beginning. Its easy to forget to make ourselves a priority.

Oh the other part. My husband went to an outpatient program but it was not easy because of his work. He also didnt like the inpatient, BUT he does like therapy and can make his own schedule. Its helped him a lot. His crisis point was last year and since therapy he has slowly improved. I am feeling a lot better. Part of it is because he has improved, and part is because I entered therapy myself. I was so conflicted for a while, and its all coming together now.

I know you will figure out your path too !

sj0117

When I first met him, a year before we were married he was a gambler. He spent the money he needed for rent/food/school on gambling. However, after we started spending time together, this dissipated. He did do the occasional gambling, but never with money required to fulfill our basic needs. Maybe this is because I was the money manager...?

He has always drank socially. Occasionally, much more than I thought was normal. It would shock me sometimes when he would pass out from alcohol somewhere random. All of his family are big drinkers.

Yes, he is mainly using cocaine. He has used meth twice and heroin once (very recently). I think the heroin freaked me out the most.

Right now, this whole thing is fairly fresh to me. I found out he was using drugs for the first time in December. I went to go stay with him in December to help him be clean, and I believed he was not using after that. Then in March, he told me that he was still using, and had been the entire time. In fact, he told me that he used the weekend after I left him in December. I knew he had no money between January and March, but I assumed he was catching up on unpaid rent/bills from his last round of use. I had idea he was still using!

So, truth is, I haven't really been doing anything to take care of myself. My life stopped in March. Everything....going to the gym, training my dogs, etc. It just stopped. I'm trying to relax and come to terms with what is going on. Trying to refocus my mind.

I need therapy. I know it.

He needs it too. I want him to be willing to do therapy. I paid for one session for him and he came out saying it wasn't worth the money. He liked the guy a lot, but he didn't see the value in it.

Bekindalways

sj, have you looked into Alanon yet? It isn't for everyone but might be worth checking out.

Let us know how you get on.

Smarie78

Read my threads. Going on 18 months of cycles. Bender to Sober to promises to change to meetings to less meetings, back to bender to sober to promises to change to sober, meetings, less meetings, bender to sober to promises to....

You get the idea.

atalose

If he admitted to using meth twice and heroin once............you can bet it's 10 times that amount. Addicts always minimize, that way you don't think it's as bad and they can continue on.

You can't micro manage an addict with setting up therapy, talking, etc. and you certainly cannot know the full extent of things while not present on a daily basis.

Please learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors.

His words can calm you, sooth you into hope and ease your worry and pain , that's the whole idea of their words!!! to get you off of their back and to take the focus off his drug usage.

Actions mean everything and actions that are consistent and sustainable are what matters the most.

Protect yourself and your finances and try not to get lost in the forest of "hope". We can always have hope but hope is not a plan!