Sunshine1234

I am lost on how to do this. How am I supposed to communicate with my ex addict? He is no where near practical and will never see eye to eye with me. Our children are everything to me and it deeply concerns me that he will have some sort of timesharing in the very near future. Especially since they are so young. I just need advice on how to do this. I'm devastated about my current situation. I feel like I have kept a brave face but it's getting harder. We are getting close to a ruling on timesharing and I pray every day the judge won't give him 50/50. Please help!

RDBplus3

I hate to suggest this, but ...
maybe express your concern to the judge and ask for drug testing right after he returns the kids, or during the time he has them?

Maudcat

H, Sunshine. What does your attorney say? Why do you think the judge might go 50/50? Just wondering.

CherryVanilla

So many questions, rather than answers.... off the top of my head: How far along in the divorce/custody suit are you? Has each of you submitted your proposed parenting/custody plan? If yours is reasonable and his is off the wall, that's going to speak to the judge. What kind of support system does each of you have... if you're at work on a parenting day, do you have grandparents/extended family/good friends/established daycare to help out? Does he have anyone reliable to help him on his days? If you do, and he doesn't, that's another consideration for the judge. Perhaps you can provide character references -- children's teachers, principal, sports coaches, religious teachers, other parents from school, who would be willing to write to the judge stating that from their perspective you function as the primary parent and are the parent present and participating in XY&Z with the chidren. Do you have an attorney? Even if you're pro se, you can get assistance from a law student clinic or from an advocacy group for women. If all else fails, let Child Protective Services know you suspect him of drug use and are afraid for your kids' safety... if it comes to that.

(And how old are the children? Old enough to be interviewed by the judge as to with whom they'd prefer to be, and why? This can be done en camera, which means in Chambers, between the judge and the child -- no parents or attorneys in the room.)

Sunshine1234

I'm hoping to get a year of drug testing and keep with the supervised visits until he can show a year clean. I'm not sure if the judge will go with that time frame or think I'm being unreasonable.

Sunshine1234

My attorney said if he consistently tests clean he may get 50/50 although I have some things that I would hope would work in my favor. #1 he has 2 other children that he has basically abandoned...they are not in his life and haven't been for 90% of their lives. #2 he owes back child support in excess of $100k #3 he has no drivers license for failure to pay this support so he would be relying on his parents to transport our children around #4 he drives daily and has admitted to this so he consistently breaks the law #5 he took a year to submit to a drug test in our custody case. So...with all that I am praying a judge says 50/50 is not in the best interests of the kids.

Sunshine1234

We are about 6 months into the divorce/custody suit. We haven't submitted parenting plans yet because we haven't agreed on anything. He has stated though that he wants 50/50. I have a very large support system and he has his parents here. His argument is they can watch the kids on his days if he has to work. I have the kids in a very reliable well rated school. Unfortunately they are both young (under 5). I like the character reference idea...I'll have to run that by my attorney. My Peditrician said he will be happy to help as he has only ever seen me come to doctors appts. I'm the one who has always done everything for the kids from day 1. He's been absent and now he's fighting me for 50/50 just because he knows he will pay less in child support and also just to spite me.

Mountainmanbob

Those do indeed carry weight.
Now is the time to pull them together.
Even later down the road may come in handy.
M-Bob

CherryVanilla

I wrote on here once before, perhaps to you, that I see custody evaluations as part of my job. I'm not a psychologist or attorney or social worker, etc., but these reports do pass my desk. Also, if you cannot agree on a parenting plan, it is possible the judge may order a custody and parenting time evaluation to be performed by a psychologist. If the judge is concerned about drug use (and since you have an attorney, I'll bet your attorney will make it his/her business to ensure the judge is concerned), the judge very well may order drug testing, and may order supervised parenting time with no overnights until your ex has "whatever" amount of clean time. The supervised parenting time can be as simple as he can visit with the children at his parents' home and the exchange of the children would be between you and the grandparents, not you and him. Or the supervised parenting time could be by an unbiased third party (for fee) who would make reports to the court of anything of concern. The judge could also order that you and your ex work with a parenting coordinator if the judge feels that either of you would be unreasonable toward the other. The parenting coordinator would be your go-to person in any disputes between the two of you in interpreting the judge's parenting time order, and would have "say so" in resolving or would direct the issue to the court.

I would also think it would be reasonable that if you ever see your ex driving with the children in a vehicle or if they tell you that he's driven them, and you know his license is suspended, call the police.

I don't know if your ex's history with his first children (lack of interest) or his child support arrearage in their child support would effect the decision regarding time allowed with your children. )

Maudcat

Good luck going forward, Sunshine. Sounds like you have a good case for supervised time, but I am not an attorney, nor do I have experience in this realm so can't really speak to it.
My feeling is that judges know what is what in custody cases and act in the best interests of the children, but I know too that things don't always go as hoped or expected.
Sending you good thoughts.

atalose

In my experience and some others I know. That 50/50 split often comes down to child support and paying less. My ex attempted that by trying to add in Wednesday nights from 6-9 which equaled $100 less in child support each month. I knew he'd never follow through with that, heck he didn't even end up following through with every other weekend. But had I agreed, it would have been less money for my children each month and big hassle for me to take him back into court and begin playing that game all over again.

It might be worth putting it on the table just to see if money is playing a factor with him wanting 50/50. Make an offer of a lessor amount in child support each month for him having less time with the children, the truth will be revealed.

Sunshine1234

Thank you! I would hope that the judge can see what's best for the kids. I hear so many stories of how the system doesn't act in the best interest of the kids. I pray my story is different.

Sunshine1234

Good idea...I don't care about any money. I just want my kids safe and happy.

hopeful4

Myself, I would offer for him to pay lower child support if that is the only reason he wants the kids 50/50. That's just my two cents, and I know that's not even really legal. My X should be paying a ton more, I don't make him b/c I know he would enforce all visitation and that is so damaging to my child.

So much really depends on the judge you get. I had the option to strike a judge, and I did so based on my attorney's advise, that ended up being a good move. Educate yourself as much as possible and make sure your attorney knows all of your fears and will fight for you.

Good luck, my heart is with you.

Sunshine1234

We have a very tough judge who is pushing for us to come to an agreement. What does that mean when you strike a judge? Dismiss him? My attorney did say we can appeal if we are unhappy with the judges decision. We have a guardian ad litem and I have expressed to her all of my fears as well as my attorney. I just pray every day that things work in my favor.

Thank you so much for your well wishes<3

hopeful4

I think you are too late to strike your judge. Yes, I struck our judge, however, it was right after I filed, I was allowed to have it randomly assigned to another judge. I did this on the advise of my attorney b/c I was assigned to the worst judge on the bench.

The thing is, in this state, the amount of child support is calculated based on your parenting agreement of time, and incomes, etc. There is not any wiggle room. So if you make a deal with him for less money, it would have to be off the books so to speak. It was not until later that my X started using less visitation in that he elects not to see his children on days he could. I could go back and ask for support for those days, however, I don't do that b/c I know he would start using all visitation just to avoid paying more.

So, my situation is some different. I think you have done all you can. You communicate with your attorney and GAL truthfully, you pray. That's all you can do at this point.

solicitude

I spoke with some GALs from my state and have heard many bad things from other people. They seem to have this idea that as a mother you should be punished for making the poor decision in a mate and not getting an abortion. The one I spoke to in a legal forum kept reminding me that I "spread my legs" for that man and I was shocked because they cared more about that than the safety of my 2 year old with a full on heroin addict.

Sunshine1234

That's pretty sick if you ask me. In my case and I'm sure yours as well, I believed my husband when he told me his drug use was in the past. He was so good at hiding it. Thankfully my GAL seems to be very in tuned to his manipulation. She did say in other words that I knew what I was getting into, however I don't believe that she will hold that against my children. I believe in my heart that she will make the best decision for my kids. That's what I pray for every day.