Oh my...Where to begin?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Oh my...Where to begin?
Hello all. I've been lurking but this is my first post. Like I said, I don't even know where to start so I may just ramble a bit. As of right now I'm lying next to my passed out husband. Same story, different day. What a lonely feeling it is to be married to an alcoholic. We have so many issues in our marriage and drinking is the biggest! I don't even know if I love him anymore. The sound of a beer can opening makes me cringe. I dread coming home from work. I never know what level of drunk he will be. I have let his drinking consume me and I don't know how to stop. I think about his drinking all day. How much? How fast? I have come home from work to find blood everywhere from him falling down. I worry I will find him dead someday. I worry he will have to go to the hospital for pancreatitis again.
I never thought I would be here. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my AH or my marriage.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
I never thought I would be here. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my AH or my marriage.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Mrs. Darling, Welcome to SR!
I am glad you are here, but very sorry for the reasons why. You have found a place for great support and true understanding.
Sadly, your story is not unfamiliar to us. Yes, we get to a point where we realize our lives had become unmanageable because of someone else's drinking.
Others will be along to share with you soon. What a great first step to healing you have made by reaching out here!!
Sending support and prayers your way, S
I am glad you are here, but very sorry for the reasons why. You have found a place for great support and true understanding.
Sadly, your story is not unfamiliar to us. Yes, we get to a point where we realize our lives had become unmanageable because of someone else's drinking.
Others will be along to share with you soon. What a great first step to healing you have made by reaching out here!!
Sending support and prayers your way, S
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
My heart goes out to you. I, too, thought and felt the same way while married 7.5 years to my AH. It's an emotional roller coaster.
I left my husband 15 days ago. My 3 children are incredibly happy and relaxed, as am I. There are still ups and downs, of course, but they're manageable. Nothing about this is simple or easy.
All I can say is to take care of yourself. Keep posting here. Educate yourself about alcoholism, codependency and your options. Consider Al-Anon. Counseling is beneficial. Decide what you want your life to look like, and then work towards it.
Hugs to you.
I left my husband 15 days ago. My 3 children are incredibly happy and relaxed, as am I. There are still ups and downs, of course, but they're manageable. Nothing about this is simple or easy.
All I can say is to take care of yourself. Keep posting here. Educate yourself about alcoholism, codependency and your options. Consider Al-Anon. Counseling is beneficial. Decide what you want your life to look like, and then work towards it.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mrs D,
Welcome, you have taken the first step to taking your life back. They are the ones with the disease, but you are going crazy. I agree with ML, I would reach out to an alanon meeting, face to face support is great.
Sounds like your marriage is in a rough place and he has no intention to stop drinking. The ball is in your court. Reach out to an attorney and find out your legal rights. You are not signing divorce papers, just educating yourself for your future. Marriage to an alcoholic is very lonely, as they love alcohol more then us. I waited 34 years with my addict for him to get his shxt together, never happened. I wasted half my life.
Take care of you and take this time to truly figure out what you want in life. Obsessing over the addict will eventually consume you. Do your home work, read all over this forum and move forward in life. Keep posting, asking questions and you will be ok, him, I'm not so sure.
Welcome, you have taken the first step to taking your life back. They are the ones with the disease, but you are going crazy. I agree with ML, I would reach out to an alanon meeting, face to face support is great.
Sounds like your marriage is in a rough place and he has no intention to stop drinking. The ball is in your court. Reach out to an attorney and find out your legal rights. You are not signing divorce papers, just educating yourself for your future. Marriage to an alcoholic is very lonely, as they love alcohol more then us. I waited 34 years with my addict for him to get his shxt together, never happened. I wasted half my life.
Take care of you and take this time to truly figure out what you want in life. Obsessing over the addict will eventually consume you. Do your home work, read all over this forum and move forward in life. Keep posting, asking questions and you will be ok, him, I'm not so sure.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrsDarling...if you have been reading the forum for a while, you may have heard of the 3 Cs......
Didn't Cause it....Can't Control it...Can't fix it.....
I think so many people hang in for so long because they are absolutely determined to Control something that is impossible for them to fix....
You can't control another person's drinking if they don't want to stop...it has to come from somewhere within themselves...
A marriage can't be fixed by one person, alone...both have to want it and be willing to work together....
It finally, comes to the point, I think, from wanting to save the marriage and husband (partner), to needing to save yourself......
It sounds like your husband has spiraled pretty far along in his disease...
The other posters have given you suggestions that will help and support you as you begin to look at the reality of the situation and evaluate your options....
The future for your husband is not certain, but if he does decide to get sober and into recovery...it will come from within himself....not because you are still by his side and counting beer cans, and driving yourself crazy.....
this is hard, we know.....
Didn't Cause it....Can't Control it...Can't fix it.....
I think so many people hang in for so long because they are absolutely determined to Control something that is impossible for them to fix....
You can't control another person's drinking if they don't want to stop...it has to come from somewhere within themselves...
A marriage can't be fixed by one person, alone...both have to want it and be willing to work together....
It finally, comes to the point, I think, from wanting to save the marriage and husband (partner), to needing to save yourself......
It sounds like your husband has spiraled pretty far along in his disease...
The other posters have given you suggestions that will help and support you as you begin to look at the reality of the situation and evaluate your options....
The future for your husband is not certain, but if he does decide to get sober and into recovery...it will come from within himself....not because you are still by his side and counting beer cans, and driving yourself crazy.....
this is hard, we know.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Oh MsDarling, I know how you feel! I haven't found mine bleeding yet, but he has an unaddressed sleep apnea issue and I worry that he'll just stop breathing completely. I haven't left my AH yet, but these forums have been extremely supportive in my very lonely world. My heart is with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm very sorry to hear this. My only piece of advice is to start thinking about what life would be like if you left him. This doesn't meaning that you've decided to leave him or are planning to leave - just try to imagine, how would things be different if you did not have him in your life? (This is different from trying to imagine what life would be like if he stopped drinking).
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's important to realize there are steps you can take now for your own sanity. I completely understand where you are. I remember those days, being obsessed with my X's drinking all the time. It consumed me with worry and fear, and a lot of pain. I remember sticking around work even after work for a while b/c I just did not want to go home.
You are separate from this. You are still a person who deserves joy and peace in your life. I encourage you to get face to face support for you through a counselor who specializes in addiction, or through a group like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or both. In my case, I did both (group and counseling). The counselor helped me lots because I had to come to a place that I was strong enough to know that no matter what would happen next, that I could handle it. It's ok not to know in this moment what to do next.
So, what can you do to give yourself some peace? Go spend time with a friend (addiction turns so many family and friends into a recluse, it's a lonely thing) doing something fun, go to the movies, take a bath, meditate, read, whatever you enjoy. Take a class you have always wanted to take, whatever.
What I am saying is focus on YOU. Put that focus on what you can control, and keeping your own life in tact regardless of what happens.
Hugs.
You are separate from this. You are still a person who deserves joy and peace in your life. I encourage you to get face to face support for you through a counselor who specializes in addiction, or through a group like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or both. In my case, I did both (group and counseling). The counselor helped me lots because I had to come to a place that I was strong enough to know that no matter what would happen next, that I could handle it. It's ok not to know in this moment what to do next.
So, what can you do to give yourself some peace? Go spend time with a friend (addiction turns so many family and friends into a recluse, it's a lonely thing) doing something fun, go to the movies, take a bath, meditate, read, whatever you enjoy. Take a class you have always wanted to take, whatever.
What I am saying is focus on YOU. Put that focus on what you can control, and keeping your own life in tact regardless of what happens.
Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Yup, I've often told people who worry about being lonely if they were to leave an alcoholic relationship that there is NOTHING as lonely as a marriage to an active alcoholic. It's WAY lonelier than BEING alone.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It will help you to get your head on straight so you can start looking at your options. It will also help you to get the focus on the only person you CAN change in this scenario--YOU.
I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get him sober (not within your power), but rather so you can understand what it is you are dealing with. Has he ever expressed any interest or desire to quit drinking? I assume you have talked or argued about it at some point. What does he say?
Do you have any children together (or kids living with you)?
Hope you will stick around here--this is a great place for information and support.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It will help you to get your head on straight so you can start looking at your options. It will also help you to get the focus on the only person you CAN change in this scenario--YOU.
I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get him sober (not within your power), but rather so you can understand what it is you are dealing with. Has he ever expressed any interest or desire to quit drinking? I assume you have talked or argued about it at some point. What does he say?
Do you have any children together (or kids living with you)?
Hope you will stick around here--this is a great place for information and support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 48
Hi and welcome!
It has been only a week since I made my alcoholic ex fiancé leave, however, the little changes are such a big deal to me! I was driving home from work today and I was SMILING! I was thinking about coming home. Not worried about how drunk he would get today, would he yell at me or my dog, who he would complain about, what was destroyed, did he leave the doors unlocked if he went somewhere, was the dog roaming the neighborhood, did he offend the neighbors again, etc. I actually WANTED to come home! I don't answer his calls or texts. He left a lot of stuff here. I bagged and boxed it up. It's in the garage. If he asks to come get it my brother and his friends will be here, not me. I had to reach the end of my rope for this to happen. Nobody could tell me. No way I could be so strong without the input from the amazing people here. I'm still new but I'm like they are. I understand and I'm here to answer questions and give support. You will need it and you've got it. Think of yourself and what you deserve as much as you can!
It has been only a week since I made my alcoholic ex fiancé leave, however, the little changes are such a big deal to me! I was driving home from work today and I was SMILING! I was thinking about coming home. Not worried about how drunk he would get today, would he yell at me or my dog, who he would complain about, what was destroyed, did he leave the doors unlocked if he went somewhere, was the dog roaming the neighborhood, did he offend the neighbors again, etc. I actually WANTED to come home! I don't answer his calls or texts. He left a lot of stuff here. I bagged and boxed it up. It's in the garage. If he asks to come get it my brother and his friends will be here, not me. I had to reach the end of my rope for this to happen. Nobody could tell me. No way I could be so strong without the input from the amazing people here. I'm still new but I'm like they are. I understand and I'm here to answer questions and give support. You will need it and you've got it. Think of yourself and what you deserve as much as you can!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by MrsDarling 
Hello all. I've been lurking but this is my first post. Like I said, I don't even know where to start so I may just ramble a bit. As of right now I'm lying next to my passed out husband. Same story, different day. What a lonely feeling it is to be married to an alcoholic. We have so many issues in our marriage and drinking is the biggest! I don't even know if I love him anymore. The sound of a beer can opening makes me cringe. I dread coming home from work. I never know what level of drunk he will be. I have let his drinking consume me and I don't know how to stop. I think about his drinking all day. How much? How fast? I have come home from work to find blood everywhere from him falling down. I worry I will find him dead someday. I worry he will have to go to the hospital for pancreatitis again.
I never thought I would be here. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my AH or my marriage.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
I never thought I would be here. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my AH or my marriage.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
I'm new here too, going through a similar situation, I guess we all are huh? It is so hard to sort out emotions with everything. For me, separating the feelings for the man I love and was so great and happy with from the Alcoholic ***** that he is right now, is the most difficult. Trying to reconcile the fact that they are the same person is just too much sometimes. My situation is fresh, regarding a relapse, so I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer, but just know that you're not alone in your feelings and I really believe that when the time comes for you to make a decision, if you trust your gut, you'll find a way to do the right thing for yourself. I'm working on the gut thing, but I trust it in every other area of my life, so I'm getting the hang of trusting it with this too.
Best of luck and hang in there... try not to murder him unless you can arrange for an airtight alibi, lol. Just kidding
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by PistachioCake
Hi and welcome!
It has been only a week since I made my alcoholic ex fiancé leave, however, the little changes are such a big deal to me! I was driving home from work today and I was SMILING! I was thinking about coming home. Not worried about how drunk he would get today, would he yell at me or my dog, who he would complain about, what was destroyed, did he leave the doors unlocked if he went somewhere, was the dog roaming the neighborhood, did he offend the neighbors again, etc. I actually WANTED to come home! I don't answer his calls or texts. He left a lot of stuff here. I bagged and boxed it up. It's in the garage. If he asks to come get it my brother and his friends will be here, not me. I had to reach the end of my rope for this to happen. Nobody could tell me. No way I could be so strong without the input from the amazing people here. I'm still new but I'm like they are. I understand and I'm here to answer questions and give support. You will need it and you've got it. Think of yourself and what you deserve as much as you can!
It has been only a week since I made my alcoholic ex fiancé leave, however, the little changes are such a big deal to me! I was driving home from work today and I was SMILING! I was thinking about coming home. Not worried about how drunk he would get today, would he yell at me or my dog, who he would complain about, what was destroyed, did he leave the doors unlocked if he went somewhere, was the dog roaming the neighborhood, did he offend the neighbors again, etc. I actually WANTED to come home! I don't answer his calls or texts. He left a lot of stuff here. I bagged and boxed it up. It's in the garage. If he asks to come get it my brother and his friends will be here, not me. I had to reach the end of my rope for this to happen. Nobody could tell me. No way I could be so strong without the input from the amazing people here. I'm still new but I'm like they are. I understand and I'm here to answer questions and give support. You will need it and you've got it. Think of yourself and what you deserve as much as you can!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you everyone for the support! I wish everything wasn't so complicated. Today has been a decent day. At least he was sober when I got home from work. He drank while I was working but didn't have enough beer to get stupid drunk. He asked me to stop and get more on my way and I refused. It didn't even lead to an argument. Tomorrow? Who knows. He will likely stock up before I leave. Oh well. No sense in thinking about that tonight.
We had a huge argument the other day and he has cut back for now. It won't last though. Been there. Heard all those promises before!
We had a huge argument the other day and he has cut back for now. It won't last though. Been there. Heard all those promises before!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Mlo1125
HI,
I'm new here too, going through a similar situation, I guess we all are huh? It is so hard to sort out emotions with everything. For me, separating the feelings for the man I love and was so great and happy with from the Alcoholic ***** that he is right now, is the most difficult. Trying to reconcile the fact that they are the same person is just too much sometimes. My situation is fresh, regarding a relapse, so I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer, but just know that you're not alone in your feelings and I really believe that when the time comes for you to make a decision, if you trust your gut, you'll find a way to do the right thing for yourself. I'm working on the gut thing, but I trust it in every other area of my life, so I'm getting the hang of trusting it with this too.
Best of luck and hang in there... try not to murder him unless you can arrange for an airtight alibi, lol. Just kidding
I'm new here too, going through a similar situation, I guess we all are huh? It is so hard to sort out emotions with everything. For me, separating the feelings for the man I love and was so great and happy with from the Alcoholic ***** that he is right now, is the most difficult. Trying to reconcile the fact that they are the same person is just too much sometimes. My situation is fresh, regarding a relapse, so I don't really have any words of wisdom to offer, but just know that you're not alone in your feelings and I really believe that when the time comes for you to make a decision, if you trust your gut, you'll find a way to do the right thing for yourself. I'm working on the gut thing, but I trust it in every other area of my life, so I'm getting the hang of trusting it with this too.
Best of luck and hang in there... try not to murder him unless you can arrange for an airtight alibi, lol. Just kidding
Thanks for the support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by musiclady14
My heart goes out to you. I, too, thought and felt the same way while married 7.5 years to my AH. It's an emotional roller coaster.
I left my husband 15 days ago. My 3 children are incredibly happy and relaxed, as am I. There are still ups and downs, of course, but they're manageable. Nothing about this is simple or easy.
All I can say is to take care of yourself. Keep posting here. Educate yourself about alcoholism, codependency and your options. Consider Al-Anon. Counseling is beneficial. Decide what you want your life to look like, and then work towards it.
Hugs to you.
I left my husband 15 days ago. My 3 children are incredibly happy and relaxed, as am I. There are still ups and downs, of course, but they're manageable. Nothing about this is simple or easy.
All I can say is to take care of yourself. Keep posting here. Educate yourself about alcoholism, codependency and your options. Consider Al-Anon. Counseling is beneficial. Decide what you want your life to look like, and then work towards it.
Hugs to you.
Thank you and good luck to you! I know leaving is hard but I bet it feels like a weight lifted!
I will definitely keep on this board and will look into Al Anon as soon as I can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, and welcome! Yup, I've often told people who worry about being lonely if they were to leave an alcoholic relationship that there is NOTHING as lonely as a marriage to an active alcoholic. It's WAY lonelier than BEING alone.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It will help you to get your head on straight so you can start looking at your options. It will also help you to get the focus on the only person you CAN change in this scenario--YOU.
I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get him sober (not within your power), but rather so you can understand what it is you are dealing with. Has he ever expressed any interest or desire to quit drinking? I assume you have talked or argued about it at some point. What does he say?
Do you have any children together (or kids living with you)?
Hope you will stick around here--this is a great place for information and support.
I second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It will help you to get your head on straight so you can start looking at your options. It will also help you to get the focus on the only person you CAN change in this scenario--YOU.
I also suggest you learn all you can about alcoholism--not so you can get him sober (not within your power), but rather so you can understand what it is you are dealing with. Has he ever expressed any interest or desire to quit drinking? I assume you have talked or argued about it at some point. What does he say?
Do you have any children together (or kids living with you)?
Hope you will stick around here--this is a great place for information and support.
I never know what to do. I get angry and yell and threaten. I know that does no good but sometimes I blow up. My emotions are all over the place. This roller coaster is wreaking havock on my mental health! Thanks for letting me vent!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I think it's important to realize there are steps you can take now for your own sanity. I completely understand where you are. I remember those days, being obsessed with my X's drinking all the time. It consumed me with worry and fear, and a lot of pain. I remember sticking around work even after work for a while b/c I just did not want to go home.
You are separate from this. You are still a person who deserves joy and peace in your life. I encourage you to get face to face support for you through a counselor who specializes in addiction, or through a group like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or both. In my case, I did both (group and counseling). The counselor helped me lots because I had to come to a place that I was strong enough to know that no matter what would happen next, that I could handle it. It's ok not to know in this moment what to do next.
So, what can you do to give yourself some peace? Go spend time with a friend (addiction turns so many family and friends into a recluse, it's a lonely thing) doing something fun, go to the movies, take a bath, meditate, read, whatever you enjoy. Take a class you have always wanted to take, whatever.
What I am saying is focus on YOU. Put that focus on what you can control, and keeping your own life in tact regardless of what happens.
Hugs.
You are separate from this. You are still a person who deserves joy and peace in your life. I encourage you to get face to face support for you through a counselor who specializes in addiction, or through a group like Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or both. In my case, I did both (group and counseling). The counselor helped me lots because I had to come to a place that I was strong enough to know that no matter what would happen next, that I could handle it. It's ok not to know in this moment what to do next.
So, what can you do to give yourself some peace? Go spend time with a friend (addiction turns so many family and friends into a recluse, it's a lonely thing) doing something fun, go to the movies, take a bath, meditate, read, whatever you enjoy. Take a class you have always wanted to take, whatever.
What I am saying is focus on YOU. Put that focus on what you can control, and keeping your own life in tact regardless of what happens.
Hugs.
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