Need to decide whether to rescue him...as he asked
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Need to decide whether to rescue him...as he asked
Hi, I am new to these forums. In the last year, I have started dealing with my husbands alcohol/drug/gambling addiction. I have become a full fledged co-dependent. In fact, I am starting to realize maybe I always have been. He has always been a heavy drinker 1x/week, he used to gamble a lot and I was definitely affected and trying to control both these situations.
Anyways, my husband and I have been living apart now for about 1 year and 11 months (8 years of marriage). The marriage was fine when we started living apart, but my family needed me at that time, and they were in a different province. Well, I still haven't left. The family's situation is worse than ever.
My husband got a new job last May, a very, VERY good job. He moved to a new town (still in a different province than me), and pretty much as soon as he got there, a drug addiction started.
He is on the verge of losing everything right now. He is severely in debt (all credit cards and line of credit maxed out). He is living pay cheque to paycheque. For the past two cheques, he has started to spend on Friday (drinking first, drugs next, gambling to finish). By Saturday/Sunday he has nothing left. I have been sending gift cards for groceries and gas, even though I am not working. I have been relying on my family to help. (Is this wrong to do?)
I have been cycling with him through periods of what seems to be a genuine desire to stop ruining his life, 1-day attempts to be clean (friday night), and succumbing to cravings. This last time, he begged me to come down there and stay with him for two months. He believes that this will help him. I want to run and help him. I do. It's just that I have to drop my entire life to go there.
I have so many things going on...or maybe I don't, and I just don't want to go. I am not sure. I know for sure that in 5 months I am supposed to go to grad school at the university of my dreams. I am in no way prepared for that. If I go to him, I know I will be throwing away what I need to do to be prepared (get a healthier mind and body).
If I go there, he wants me to stay in his drug-apartment (it's a crappy apartment in a well-known drug complex). He hasn't paid his rent, so there will be an eviction imminent. He has no TV or internet. I don't know what he expects me to do all day there.
On top of that, my family is still sick. My 91 year old grandma broke her hip and can move around on her own, but she is super wobbly.
I feel so much guilt for saying no. I am just wondering what people on this forum would do....would you say no? or would you go?
Months ago, his sister asked me "would it be selfish to ask you to go stay with him?"
BTW: I told his family what is going on back in December. I didn't want to, but when he went to visit them for his sister's wedding, his behavior was so out of control that they knew something was up and they contacted me. I felt that it was okay to tell them because I was not keeping this type of secret. Plus, it gave me someone to talk to about his problems, and backup.
Anyways, I need advice. Should I go help him (maybe even save his life) or not (and deal with the intense guilt I feel and fear of losing him)? If I stay, is it okay to keep sending gift cards for food (because I know he has nothing left by Monday) - $150/2 weeks?
I just want to add one more thing: when I told him I wasn't going, he told me things like:
'You abandoned me in my hour of need. I won't call you or take your calls from this point on.'
'What if I died tonight? Are you really not able to come help me tonight?'
'Please come tonight or else I'll be dead.'
'You've made your choice. Fair. Just don't call my fam or else I'll haunt you.'
'Love all, trust a few, do wrong to NONE! See you later.'
He hasn't spoken to me since.
Anyways, my husband and I have been living apart now for about 1 year and 11 months (8 years of marriage). The marriage was fine when we started living apart, but my family needed me at that time, and they were in a different province. Well, I still haven't left. The family's situation is worse than ever.
My husband got a new job last May, a very, VERY good job. He moved to a new town (still in a different province than me), and pretty much as soon as he got there, a drug addiction started.
He is on the verge of losing everything right now. He is severely in debt (all credit cards and line of credit maxed out). He is living pay cheque to paycheque. For the past two cheques, he has started to spend on Friday (drinking first, drugs next, gambling to finish). By Saturday/Sunday he has nothing left. I have been sending gift cards for groceries and gas, even though I am not working. I have been relying on my family to help. (Is this wrong to do?)
I have been cycling with him through periods of what seems to be a genuine desire to stop ruining his life, 1-day attempts to be clean (friday night), and succumbing to cravings. This last time, he begged me to come down there and stay with him for two months. He believes that this will help him. I want to run and help him. I do. It's just that I have to drop my entire life to go there.
I have so many things going on...or maybe I don't, and I just don't want to go. I am not sure. I know for sure that in 5 months I am supposed to go to grad school at the university of my dreams. I am in no way prepared for that. If I go to him, I know I will be throwing away what I need to do to be prepared (get a healthier mind and body).
If I go there, he wants me to stay in his drug-apartment (it's a crappy apartment in a well-known drug complex). He hasn't paid his rent, so there will be an eviction imminent. He has no TV or internet. I don't know what he expects me to do all day there.
On top of that, my family is still sick. My 91 year old grandma broke her hip and can move around on her own, but she is super wobbly.
I feel so much guilt for saying no. I am just wondering what people on this forum would do....would you say no? or would you go?
Months ago, his sister asked me "would it be selfish to ask you to go stay with him?"
BTW: I told his family what is going on back in December. I didn't want to, but when he went to visit them for his sister's wedding, his behavior was so out of control that they knew something was up and they contacted me. I felt that it was okay to tell them because I was not keeping this type of secret. Plus, it gave me someone to talk to about his problems, and backup.
Anyways, I need advice. Should I go help him (maybe even save his life) or not (and deal with the intense guilt I feel and fear of losing him)? If I stay, is it okay to keep sending gift cards for food (because I know he has nothing left by Monday) - $150/2 weeks?
I just want to add one more thing: when I told him I wasn't going, he told me things like:
'You abandoned me in my hour of need. I won't call you or take your calls from this point on.'
'What if I died tonight? Are you really not able to come help me tonight?'
'Please come tonight or else I'll be dead.'
'You've made your choice. Fair. Just don't call my fam or else I'll haunt you.'
'Love all, trust a few, do wrong to NONE! See you later.'
He hasn't spoken to me since.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It sounds like you're in Canada? Are you legally separated or just living apart? I would be worried about financial consequences to myself, quite honestly.
The second thing is that there is no way I would go to him. If he's messed it all up, he can un-mess it. Of course his sister and his family would like you to go and White Knight him, then they don't have to deal with him.
Sounds bad. I would not go, and I would not send money - but I've gone through enough in life to know that about myself.
Keep posting. There is also a Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum in case you'd like to take a look around. There are many in your situation over there who understand.
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The second thing is that there is no way I would go to him. If he's messed it all up, he can un-mess it. Of course his sister and his family would like you to go and White Knight him, then they don't have to deal with him.
Sounds bad. I would not go, and I would not send money - but I've gone through enough in life to know that about myself.
Keep posting. There is also a Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum in case you'd like to take a look around. There are many in your situation over there who understand.
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
What on earth makes you think you can rescue him?
He needs to stop drugging / drinking to save himself. And guess what, he'll only do that once he's desperate enough, and maybe not even then. If you and his family run round after him, not only will he carry on regardless, he'll probably blame y'all for the fact he's doing it.
Completely up to you, but I'd say that you should focus on your own healing and stay away. He may have a sickness (alcoholism) but there is a way of getting better - it's just not one he's desperate enough to consider (yet anyway). Bit like a diabetic who refuses to take their meds or eat properly. No one can force this stuff on anyone.
Sorry if this sounds negative and uncaring. It's not meant to be. You know, you have a chance at life and happiness here. It's your responsibility to do that work towards your own serenity and security. Likewise, it is his responsibility to work for his.
And of course, his family know that was a completely selfish request that they made.
Have you considered AlAnon or NarAnon at all?
Wishing you all the best for your recovery from this experience.
BB
PS sending money is basically enabling him. What do you honestly think that money will go on?
He needs to stop drugging / drinking to save himself. And guess what, he'll only do that once he's desperate enough, and maybe not even then. If you and his family run round after him, not only will he carry on regardless, he'll probably blame y'all for the fact he's doing it.
Completely up to you, but I'd say that you should focus on your own healing and stay away. He may have a sickness (alcoholism) but there is a way of getting better - it's just not one he's desperate enough to consider (yet anyway). Bit like a diabetic who refuses to take their meds or eat properly. No one can force this stuff on anyone.
Sorry if this sounds negative and uncaring. It's not meant to be. You know, you have a chance at life and happiness here. It's your responsibility to do that work towards your own serenity and security. Likewise, it is his responsibility to work for his.
And of course, his family know that was a completely selfish request that they made.
Have you considered AlAnon or NarAnon at all?
Wishing you all the best for your recovery from this experience.
BB
PS sending money is basically enabling him. What do you honestly think that money will go on?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you
I just want to clarify that I was sending him gift cards, and not money. In either case, I won't do that anymore. I didn't think it was entirely the right thing to do, but I needed some validation on that.
I appreciate the perspective everyone who replied brought. I have decided to stay away from him. The only reason I considered going was because he was begging me to come help him be clean.
I feel a tonne of guilt and sadness, because although he is a drug addict/alcoholic/gambler now, we had over 7 years of clean time together where he was none of these things (or very mildly, to the point it could be thought of as young, reckless behavior). But now, it's become desperation for the next drink/drug/game and full-fledged addiction.
Thank you to everyone who replied.
I appreciate the perspective everyone who replied brought. I have decided to stay away from him. The only reason I considered going was because he was begging me to come help him be clean.
I feel a tonne of guilt and sadness, because although he is a drug addict/alcoholic/gambler now, we had over 7 years of clean time together where he was none of these things (or very mildly, to the point it could be thought of as young, reckless behavior). But now, it's become desperation for the next drink/drug/game and full-fledged addiction.
Thank you to everyone who replied.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Girl, you have been given an amazing opportunity to make your dreams come true. This is your time to shine. People change and circumstances change. Reaching your full potential in life is beautiful. Reach for the stars and honor yourself. All I see here is a gift for you.
(Im taking these words in as I write them)
(Im taking these words in as I write them)
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