Megan1190

Hi! So I am brand new to this group- joining at the airport at 6:30am with a Bloody Mary in my hand (and others around me drinking as well).

I am not what I grew up thinking an alcoholic was. I'm 27 years old, have a great job, and don't drink every day. However, traveling has had its toll on me and airports and hotels are triggers for me. My main issue is ocne I start, I can't stop. I love the taste of alcohol and I love the fact that it breaks down my anxiety and allows me to be more, well me.

I don't love that once that barrier is broken down, I continue to tell myself "just one more" until I wake up from passing out, having peed the bed and unable to get any work done that night. I don't love that my husband calls me an alcoholic and I feel the need to argue with him since I don't drink every day. I don't love that I'm joining this anonymously and refuse to tell my husband.

I love breweries and enjoying an IPA on a hot day with friends. I'd love to continue drinking socially, but can't until I get ahold of my problem.

Any advice? Ugh, this is so hard admitting.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

I loved to drink. That's what I told myself. Then I realized I didn't so much love alcohol as need it.

Needing to drink is different from loving it.

As for being a social drinker...you said, "My main issue is once I start, I can't stop. "

That sort of precludes social drinking.

tomsteve

welcome,megan.

look at something ya typed:
"My main issue is ocne I start, I can't stop. I love the taste of alcohol and I love the fact that it breaks down my anxiety and allows me to be more, well me."

2 things about that;
so, ya cant stop once ya start, yet it makes ya more well.
think about that. from this side its rather an insane thought.


"I love breweries and enjoying an IPA on a hot day with friends. I'd love to continue drinking socially, but can't until I get ahold of my problem."

once I became a pickle, I couldn't go back to being a cucumber.
basically meaning there was no chance of me being a "normal' drinker.

and one of the great facts for me was I didn't have to tell the world I had a problem before I started looking for solutions. I just had to admit it to myself- I had to surrender.

PhoenixJ

Hi Megan, thanks for the post and welcome. Your words reflect conflict. In an airport drink in hand around others doing the same. In the morning. Airports are a trigger. It seems with your great job- airports are part of that. That socialising is great and booze reduces anxiety- but after a while you do not like all the crap that happens afterwards- and you are aware you are still young. Your partner has noticed stuff and you get defensive because you do not drink everyday. That you do not or cannot control the alcohol. I get that- I did that. Similar- good job, booze, some travel (by self in car).
You recognise this is an imbalance,. That you have anxiety. Booze alleviates that for a while- but booze is a depressant, so it makes you feel worse. It did for me and the only way to get rid of that was to drink more.
You are in conflict. Alcohol destroyed my life. I remember being exactly your age and driving into a bottle shop and thinking it was getting out of hand. I then chose to ignore that thought and be damned- I was young, right?
Read around more. Weigh up what it is that is happening to you. You can believe the narratives many- thousands of others have shared as to that slippery slope. I hope you can learn from what has been shared and not have to bottom out first.
Perhaps go quietly to an AA meeting. Just listen. They are meetings of people with booze problems offering and getting support. If there are reasons (like me) that you drink or even to address the anxiety- perhaps see a counsellor, psychologist for professional support. No judgements here. Perhaps join the Class of March 2017 thread? Keep posting.
Empathy and support to you . PJ.

biminiblue

Hi, Megan. Welcome, thanks for your story. It is my story too, or close enough.

I tried every "moderate drinking" trick you'll ever hear about. From not drinking during the week to using matchsticks to keep track of how many I'd had, to only drinking "quality" drink like high % IPAs or craft whiskeys. Yeah, then I was just a drunk wasting more money. Drinkers like us don't want to sit in the sun and drink "A" drink. What's the point? How can I keep that great feeling going on one? There is no such thing as moderate drinking for one of us who has crossed that line into, "can't stop until I pass out-keep the party going" girls. It is a futile effort for us and the only solution is to not pick up that first drink.

I hope you won't waste any more of your precious life in these chains.

Your husband is losing you and he knows it.

Let it go. Please come back and keep talking to us.

Mizzuno

This is hard, ya? We like to justify what is taking place and the justification is not intentional. Its not like you are intentionally lying to yourself or others. Right now you think that maybe you can learn to control the drink? When you make statements that you cannot stop once you start this is to be questioned? A person does not have to drink everyday to have a problem with it. There are some things that are meant for us and some things that are not.
I tried to control it. I told myself all kinds of things. I stopped for long periods of time. I drank for longer periods of time.
Before I knew it, I was drinking a bottle a day and walking around with a hangover everyday all day and then drinking to ease my head. Producing more stress and more problems for myself.
We all come to our truths at some point in time. We are here for you and please keep posting.

ardy

Hi Megan.. my Pop called it the Thirst... I have to have the booze cause its the only thing that stops the Thirst.. He died of this... buried next his Mom and Dad... kiddo you are young and need to know that the more you do of this now the worse its going to get for you are killing off sections of your brain.. and the connections of the feelings and the thoughts and the ability to do your job in the days and years to come will stop.. and fail away.. go to a divvy bar and have a coke and talk to the women that are there.. look at them close and find out what they did for a job. before they ended up there forever... sorry

Anna

Once you cross the invisible line to addiction, there is no going back. You cannot then choose to drink moderately. Many of us here drank to help us with our anxiety issues. But, there are healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety, which you can learn.

thomas11

Sometimes admitting it will set you free. We are a group of people that don't drink "noramlly" and have decided alcohol needed to be eliminated from our lives. I think its something you should (and are) consider as well. It is difficult in the beginning but becomes infinitely easier with time.

least

I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Raven87

Hi Megan,

I'm pretty new to this (forums and sobriety) but I can empathise strongly with your position.

Like you I have a successful job and a happy family life. For ages I convinced myself that this meant I couldn't have a real problem. Alcoholics loose their jobs and destroy relationships right? One vital thing these forums have taught me is that there is no one model to what an alcoholic is. All I know is that I wanted to stop drinking and yet inexplicably, kept on doing it.

One of my biggest barriers to getting started with stopping was pride and fear of other people's reactions. My wife was unaware of my late night and solo drinking sessions and I was terrified of spoiling her idea of who I am. Pure idiotic pride, as she already knows my many other flaws.

19 days ago I told my wife and everything changed. Yes she was upset by the deceit, but mostly she was just really relieved I told her and wanted to help me get well. We worked out a plan together and so far things are going great.

Just being honest has removed most of the anxiety I have been feeling for years. Stupid right? I drank in large part to alleviate the anxiety I felt about my drinking. It was a vicious cycle that could only be broken by telling the truth.

Coming here is a really good start, but I really hope you consider telling someone in your real life how tou are feeling.

Keep posting what ever you decide.

All the best.

Mountainmanbob

Listen to your husband, he probably understands your condition.
M-Bob

Soberpants

Hi Megan,

So many interesting comments - I love the quote:

One drink is too many and a thousand not enough.

- Just an idea. You say drink breaks down your anxiety. Do you know where that anxiety comes from? Maybe if you could trace that you could get to the why of why you drink.

Good luck
Lantern

soberandhonest

Hi Megan. Like you (and thousands of others), I loved to drink but I couldn't stop. Here is the good news: I absolutely love being a non-drinker and so can you. Quitting is not a negative. All you are doing is giving up a terrible habit that will eventually kill you. In exchange, you get your freedom back. Your relationship with your husband can, and likely will, thrive. Your productivity will increase. Your ability to enjoy life, with all of your senses fully operating, will be increased. Trust me, it will take some work and there will be times that you wish you can have a drink or two, but you will love your sober life. Smile. Embrace the change.

BrendaChenowyth

You attach shame to the word and so you don't want to use the word. You don't have to. But the shame comes from what you struggle with, which is by definition alcoholism. And sometimes we are afraid to admit things because we know other people will think of less of us.. but why is that? Is that opinion valid? Would you look down on someone else with a drinking problem? What can you do to fix the situation?

Ruby2

Hi Megan. Your comment that drinking helped you be more yourself struck me. I felt like that. Drinking helped me relax and do things I wouldn't have normally done when not drinking. Emboldened me. I was funnier and smarter and braver. And then it stopped working for me.

I didn't want to quit. I loved the taste of beer and red wine. I can't just have one though. To paraphrase BiminiBlue, what good is one? One drink isn't good enough.

Read around here. Check out the stickies. Quitting for me was one of the hardest thing I've done but also the smartest. If you're peeing the bed and your husband is commenting, I'd suggest doing some soul searching. The funny thing about drinking and alcoholism is that we tend to rationalize things to justify not quitting. Accepting really bad things as not being SO bad until they actually seem normal. Meanwhile, you spiral down. Take care of yourself.

Nonsensical

Neither could I. Fortunately I never had to. I didn't do anything about it and it became glaringly obvious all on its own.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

ReadyAtLast

You don't have to publicly admit it. Just admitting it to yourself is enough.

I thought drinking helped to break down my anxiety. Only once I quit did I realiuze how much I was pretending to be somebody I'm not. My anxiety also reduced hugely and I know drinking causes it not cures it.

Mizzuno

This made me laugh hysterically! Its so dang true.

Megan1190

Thank you all. I'm now at the second airport (water in hand) with tears pooling in my eyes.

The anxiety has always been there, but the sudden death of my mom (by heart attack) when I was 22 and she was 55 changed everything. It was 4 weeks before my college graduation and I broke down. My father began drinking heavily and was emotionally absent.

Reflecting now, this is when I began drinking more to ease the anxiety rather than just to have a good time with friends.